Raven Baxter’s (and Anonymous with a name’s) Agony Aunt (and uncle) show

By Anonymous with a name

(Anonymous with a name stumbles on to the stage)

Anonymous: (muttering angrily to himself) that’s perhaps the third time that…(sees audience) Oh hi, didn’t see ya. We have a problem here so if you could hang ten for a moment.

(Raven Baxter storms in)

Raven: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO LEAVE MY SHOW!! LEAVE NOW OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE!! (starts hitting Anonymous)

Anonymous: Hey, ouch! OK –ouch!- I’ll –ouch!- leave –eina!- you –ichu!- alone if you’ll –ouch!- let me explain. (Raven stomps on Anonymous’ foot) OOOWEEEEEE!!

(Chelsea comes in with Eddie)

Chelsea: (to Eddie) I’d never thought that this show would start so good. (sees Anonymous). Hey Rae, cut that out!

Raven: (ignoring Chelsea) you little saboteur, you ape, you Eddie!!

Eddie: WHAT??

Anonymous: (Voice hoarse) there are people watching.

Raven: (stops, turns to audience) (sweetly) Oh, hiya! Please could you be patient while I waste this preteen maniac. (Glares at Anonymous)

Chelsea: Rae, you do know that he was the one that made this show a success?

Raven: (skeptically) in which way?

Anonymous: I write this stuff

Rae: (laughs but is awarded mean stares from the audience, stops) O-o-ok, he could be the co-host.

Anonymous: Good with me, anyway, a warm welcome to all you readers. I will explain how this whole thing to you. Oh, and if Rhino7 is there, thank you for letting me borrow your concept. (My penname used to be Zenisha de Figuero con Ausertz) Anyway, this fic ranges between a Q and A and an Agony Aunt show. In your reviews, you must state your fictional problem whether it be your love life, school, university, or anything of that sort. We will then refer to our Know-hows to give various….

Rae: (interrupts Anonymous) Who are our Know-hows.

Anonymous: They are!

(7 screens appear on the back wall. The first one is turned on and it shows a girl with brown eyes and blonde hair)

Audience: HANNAH HANNAH HANNAH!!

Anonymous: HANNAH MONTANA FROM THE SERIES OF THE SAME NAME!!

Hannah: Hi.

(The second screen gets turned on and it shows a boy with brown hair and blue eyes)

Anonymous: TROY BOLTON FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SERIES!!

Girl Audience incl. Chelce: He’s soooo hot! (fall in an attractiveness-induced coma)

(The third screen gets turned on, showing two almost identical twins)

Anonymous: ZACK AND CODY FROM THE SUITE LIFE!!

Audience: YAYYYY!!

(The fourth screen gets turned on, revealing an Asian girl)

Rae: London Tipton?

Anonymous: Yeah, she forced me with Robert Mugabe manipulation to be on the show. Speaking of him here he is now.

(The fifth screen gets turned on, showing the Zimbabwean dictator)

Mugabe: Hello

Audience: BOOOOO!!

Mugabe: Hey, do you want me to start another Gukurahundi homicide? (gets thrown by minibus taxis)

Anonymous: From South Africa’s ministry of health, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang

(Sixth screen gets turned on)

Manto: Hello, everyone, I hope you took your cabbage today. AAH!! (gets chased by live cabbages with feet while the audience boos)

Anonymous: (mutters) that’s going to happen a lot in this show. Anyway, last but not least, Xemnas from Kingdom Hearts 2.

(Last screen gets turned on)

Audience: (crickets)

Anonymous: Yep, that’s the lot. Coming back to what I said, you can also ask us questions and make any suggestions or stuff like that. Ok. And if I don’t answer them speedily enough, please be patient. I don’t have internet at home (I do all my emailing and reviews with my phone) And I’ll answer them as soon as I get to an internet terminal. Got that memorized. Good, see ya’ll after this commercial break.

Audience: (Clap hands)