Author: Kipling Bunny PM
Diana has to undergo an issue that every woman has to deal with. It's something that excluded Amazons. Until now.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Diana of Themyscira/Wonder Woman - Words: 2,121 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 8 - Published: 08-24-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4495342
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine.
Thank you, Geeky, for the beta and all the assistance. You get Batman, the icecream. :D
Consider this a warning that this one-shot deals with a slight taboo subject, but ...eh, oh well. I've had the idea for awhile, and I thought it would be funny. Especially because I'm female.
Thank you for reading!
Diana stood right outside the doorway to her room and remained there until she heard her door seal shut. Pressing her lips together in worry, she took off towards the infirmary while switching on her com to contact J'onn. At the moment, he was the only member her clouded mind could focus on. The Martian could aid in her current dilemma, she figured numbly.
"J'onn? This is Diana."
Diana was completely oblivious to the strange looks other League members were giving her as she walked down the hallway. Before she had left her quarters, she contemplated changing out of her sweatpants and Gotham Knights t-shirt, but decided against it. Even the thought of entering a public area wearing such garments hardly seemed to bother her.
J'onn's calming voice filled her ears, allowing her mind to ease up slightly. "Yes, Diana?"
"I have a slight... uh, issue." Diana was unsure how to go about the description of her plight. In every essence of the saying, she felt as though she was dying. But that hardly seemed befitting to say over a com. "A health issue."
"I see? What is wrong?"
Diana opened her mouth to explain further, but she paused upon looking around. Although there was hardly a soul in ear-shot, Diana wanted to remain as confidential as possible. "Could you meet me at the infirmary?"
"Yes, of course, Wonder Woman."
After taking extra seconds of avoiding human traffic along the first level of the Watchtower, Diana found herself standing inside the sterile environment of the League infirmary.
One nurse Diana had recognized came forward, smiling. She was also grateful that the woman didn't comment on her outfit. "Wonder Woman? May I help you with something?"
"I'm meeting J'onn J'onnz here, is it alright if we share a single room alone?"
Usually Diana silently delighted in the fact that, being a founding League member, no one questioned her dealings on the Watchtower. But, instead, Diana hardly gave it another thought. She wordlessly followed the nurse into the infirmary and took a seat on the cold, white chair inside the small room.
All she had to do now was wait. Which didn't take long. J'onn entered the room, via phasing through the wall, merely a second or two later.
His typically emotionless face seemed slightly etched with concern as he studied Diana.
"I can see you're worried. What is wrong, Diana?"
It wasn't every day that you saw the world's greatest female superhero wearing sweatpants and staring down at her open palms blankly.
Diana swallowed and blearily looked up at J'onn. She took in the faintest of breaths before rambling on.
"I don't know what's wrong." Her eyes became misty. "I feel... sad. And angry. It's almost as though I can't control my emotions. I don't want to change into my outfit, nor do I care what happens the rest of the day." She sniffed quietly. "And..."
J'onn seemed to know where this was heading. Still, he took a seat next to Diana and tried to console her.
"And," She continued while placing her hand on her lower abdomen, "I'm in such pain. Pain that's different somehow, pain I've never felt before. I also saw-..." Diana paused and looked over at her Martian friend. She seemed unsure if she wanted to share everything with him.
But he, having his Martian psychology and physiology, already knew what was ailing Diana. Because he could read it directly from her mind.
"I see," He stood up slowly. "I know perfectly well what is happening."
"You do?" Diana lightened up ever so slightly.
"But, perhaps, it would be better if I found a better way to explain it to you."
"What do you mean?"
J'onn smiled, but paused for a moment. It was as though he was choosing his next words carefully. "Are there certain females here, on the Watchtower, that you... trust?"
Diana became confused for a moment, but still she thought it over. "I suppose Shayera."
"I see, I will be back in a moment."
With that, J'onn exited the room. And Diana merely stared after him, wondering what this was all about.
Even though only ten or so minutes had passed, it felt like an eternity while she waited. The pain in her lower abdomen had increased, but she tried her best to ignore it. As hard as that feat was. Her pain tolerance was on the highest level known to sentient beings, however, if she couldn't pinpoint what exactly was bothering her, the unknown made it almost unbearable.
Diana stood up from her chair and started to walk around, hoping to ease the strange discomfort.
Just then, Shayera and J'onn opened the door. Diana saw a flash of pink and stared down at the bag Shayera was holding.
"J'onn told me everything; I brought essentials."
Diana was still confused as to what was wrong in the first place. She was hoping for at least a small explanation.
J'onn responded immediately, most likely after reading her mind. "Do not worry, Diana. You aren't dying."
Shayera smirked. There was a hint of devious glee decorating her face. "On the contrary..." But instead of saying more, she picked up the flashy pink bag that read ' Victoria 's Secret' and set it on the table before them.
Diana gave her an incredulous look.
"What? So I shop there... often." Shayera then shook her head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is..." She pulled out a large human anatomy textbook and handed it over. There was a blue sticky note poking from the center. Curiously, Diana flipped the book open.
Diana's eyes widened when she saw the words staring back at her. Guide To The Menstruation Cycle.
Her breath hitched for a moment before speaking. "Wait. What is this?"
Diana knew of 'periods', or so they had been called, but she had always thought she was granted the wonderful ability to not have them. Female leaguers, most definitely including Shayera, often complained about them once a month. The majority of the women on the Watchtower that had spoken of them decidedly called the monthly occurrence 'evil' or 'the worst thing ever'.
Naturally, Diana concluded that her Amazonian heritage allowed her to avoid the vile things. That now didn't seem to be the case. A knot of dread started festering in her stomach.
She was doomed.
Shayera rolled her eyes. "Oh, you know perfectly well what it is." The Thanagarian's smirk then widened into a cat-like grin. "Welcome to the club."
Sensing Diana's confusion, J'onn stated calmly. "The gods protecting Themyscira most likely prevented you and your Amazonian sisters from receiving this-" To Diana's surprise, J'onn almost appeared uncomfortable, "issue."
"Issue?" Shayera asked, sounding offended. "It's a way of life."
J'onn ignored her. "An only female population guarantees zero percent pregnancies. Therefore..."
Diana was taken aback. "Pregnancy?" She glanced down at the textbook in her hands. "But I'm not."
"No, you're not." Shayera stated curtly, but then paused. She and J'onn shared a concerned glance, before she refocused on Diana. "Do you know anything about...this?"
"No." Diana was simply being honest. Other than the sparse information she had overheard or what she had seen on tv or movies, there wasn't much to guide her about this 'problem'.
Shayera chuckled. "How old are you? Extremely ancient? And suddenly you're a teenager all over again."
Whether Diana (or J'onn, for that matter) wanted it or not, Shayera seized the textbook and started explaining various organs and their duties, including different tissues and hormones. Diana couldn't help but make a face as she listened to the lecture.
She also couldn't avoid feeling extremely exasperated. "But... I didn't want this! Why can't I go back to normal?! I don't even want a baby. At least not now!"
Shayera narrowed her eyes. "Oh yeah? Tell that to the three billion women on this planet and the two billion on my home planet. Nobody wants this. But it's a way of life! So deal with it."
J'onn intervened before the heated argument ended with Diana making a Shayera-sized hole in the wall.
"Diana," his calm demeanor wasn't helping as well this time around. Diana stopped glaring at Shayera, at least. "Now that you are no longer under the protection of Themyscira, the dormant hormones have awakened after prolonged exposure to Man's World. Especially after spending time with the opposite sex. Bodies are fascinating instruments, only the slightest change in the environment, and they follow suit. Your feminine qualities are now at their full potential." He smiled, hoping that it would soften the blow.
Hera. Diana scowled slightly and clenched her fists. "Men ruin everything."
Shayera reached into the bag and pulled out a shiny, green package and a small, pink cardboard box. "You haven't even heard the worst part yet."
Diana spun the package around, eyeing it carefully. J'onn's discomfort towards the situation seemed to heighten. He started glancing at his possible exits.
Once Diana realized what she was looking at, her face blanched. "I put what, where?"
Looking somewhat smug, Shayera nodded. "It's not as terrible as it looks." She pointed to the pink box. "These, on the other hand, can be more difficult. You'll need to practice."
Diana grabbed the pink box and read its label. Her face fell. "Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. I'm already preferring the green package over the pink."
Shayera seemingly dropped the slight attitude and started to feel for her Amazonian friend. It was a lot of news to learn in one day. "There is one thing..." she said, while reaching into the bag. "That can make you feel better." She revealed a pint of ice cream. It had a funny name, but the description promised a lot of fudge and nuts. "Chocolate. Though, you might want to take this back to your quarters. It's starting to melt."
Diana roughly grabbed the pint, lifted the lid and picked off a piece with her fingers. As the cold sample of ice cream started melting in her mouth, Diana decided that it was the perfect solution to her day, and somehow the horrible news didn't seem so gut wrenching.
"Isn't that good?" Shayera asked. "It's like an ooey, gooey pint of Batman. All for you."
That was the tip of the iceberg for J'onn. He mumbled something about needing to fix a fusion generator on level five. Before the women realized it, he was gone.
Diana frowned. "Batman's part of the problem. We spend too much time together..."
Her friend grinned. "Oh, really?"
"No, it's not what you think. We aren't like that. Yet."
"Well, now you have to be careful." Shayera seemed quite serious about this.
Diana shook her head. "You have nothing to worry about."
Shayera started packing up all of Diana's goodies back into the shiny bag. "You're all set. I'd stay and help you out more, but I have monitor duty in less than ten minutes."
"You've been more than helpful." Diana looked into the bag and sighed. "I suppose I have reading to do. Being female just became more difficult."
"You're telling me."
After they went their separate ways, Diana contemplated all she had learned. Her body had frustratingly gone through changes without her knowing. Shayera was right; she was a teenager all over again.
Even still, Diana had the desire to tell someone. It was big news. Although she had dignity and a sense of propriety, she had to inform someone.
Once she reached her room and opened the door, that certain someone was clear in her mind.
Pressing in her com to the designated individual, Diana waited as the milliseconds went by.
"This is Batman," the low baritone answered.
"It's me." She then grinned. "Guess what?"
Fin- Well, I hope I didn't offend anyone. And as always, thank you for reading!