First, I have to thank medievalaggression for being awesome and beta-reading this chapter for me.

Previously: Bella finds herself trapped at Edward's house, due to a storm that passes over their area. This results in a blackout, and Bella struggling, and somewhat succeeding in getting closer to Edward. The chapter ends with Bella falling asleep.

Chapter 13

Edward

After Tanya, a lot had changed for me. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I didn't think. I didn't breathe.

I needed to disappear and become nobody. It would be heaven if I could just evaporate like fog on glass and retreat into nothingness. I hadn't eaten because the emptiness felt good and cold and bitter and I knew that was how Tanya was feeling –she was empty too. I didn't sleep because Tanya couldn't (I'd left her eyes open). I didn't think because my head was as empty as my belly and I wasn't here anymore -I was with Tanya; that was the last I had felt myself, anyway.

It'd been three days of being alone with myself. I was on the verge of ripping my hair out. I slipped out of the house at seven-thirty (after Dad left and before Mom got up) and left a note saying that I was going to school. I trudged through the rain and was glad for my numb face and toes and fingers. I liked the hurt.

Alice was the first to see me when I arrived. She touched my arm with one hand delicately, like I was made of china. Her eyes widened and she said, "Edward, you really shouldn't be here."

"I want to, though," I said. My voice tasted funny in my mouth.

"Edward," she said again, quietly, "I think you still need more time. You look terrible."

I stared down at her.

"Are you okay?"

I moved my arm away from her hand. "Yeah," I said. "See ya, Alice."

I turned away from her, and walked out of the parking lot, and didn't look back. I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked. All I did for miles and hours was walk and breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.

The road I found myself on was lined by prim, square houses, each one just like the one before it, on one side, and a deep ravine down the other. At the bottom of the ravine was a chain link fence that went on for miles in both directions up the road. Beyond that were big trees, tall, still, and photosynthesizing.

I found it. I was not looking for it, but I found it. Or maybe I was looking for it without knowing. Everything was so out of place –as if someone shook my head up like a snow globe and all the little glittering bits were still in motion, still churning, still a blizzard.

The car was no longer there—it had been fished it out— but the fence was still mangled. That one pole –the pole- was completely gone. Yellow caution laced up the gaping hole—a mere flesh wound.

It looked as if nothing of importance had happened here. Maybe the weather did it. Maybe some vandals. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But who knows?

I slowly made my way down the ditch in a half-crouch one hand on the side so I wouldn't slip and tumble right into death. Maybe I wanted that though. Maybe I'd like to have a reunion with Tanya and see her one last time. Maybe for enough time to apologize. Or time enough to love her better. Or maybe time enough to tell her it should have been me.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

I reached the bottom of where the car had raped the fence. I felt the cool metal cross-hatchings. I expected it to feel hot, angry, scary, tangy, like the taste in my mouth that night. But it was cold. Rough. Tasteless. I dropped my hand and there was nothing there. I could feel it. Tanya wasn't there. I wasn't there. It didn't add up, though. That was the last place I'd left Tanya and myself. I'd retraced my steps precisely. That was where they should have been.

oO0Oo

It was so quiet I could feel it in my ears like pressure on a descending plane. The rain had slowed at this point to a faint drizzle. Bella snored softly. I rolled over on my side after laying on my back on stiff as a board for over an hour. An hour and twelve minutes exactly. I'd been counting.

Bella's face was hard to see. My room was too dark. I could just see the dark lines of her eyelashes against her cheek, the part between her lips, a curl of dark hair against her temple. She looked so peaceful. Even her brow was smooth for once.

I felt an urge to roll back over the other way so I couldn't look at her. I shouldn't have let myself. I should have resisted. It wasn't right.

But I wanted her.

I.

Wanted.

Her.

That was it. I had to get up and out of that room. I needed to breathe some fresh air and get my blood flowing. Not that my heart wasn't hammering in my chest. I needed something to drink.

I padded downstairs as noiselessly as I could manage. What I was really looking for was a distraction. Maybe if I could just clear my head, I would fall asleep and stop thinking BellaBellaBellaBellaBella.

Thinking about Bella was dangerous. I could feel my molecules changing, transforming. I could feel the creaking snap of bones twisting and the twanging strain of muscle reshaping. I was turning into a whole new person. And I didn't like it. I may not have liked the way I was, but it was familiar. Safe. With change came the unknown, like a snow whipped mountain –and I was the poorly equipped climber. There was no way I could make it out alive.

But why, then, did I feel so much hope around her? Why did I feel like it wouldn't be so bad, and the water wasn't so cold, the cliff face not so sheer? How did she melt the snow and ice where she walked? Why did she make me want to do things that I'd had no problem not wanting to do for so long? How could she have broken me? It was like she'd dug her fingers between the rungs of my ribs and cracked them wide open –a Pandora's Box of blood, guts, and Tanya. And it was worse, because there was a part of me that was glad Bella was ripping me open so recklessly.

I was beginning to realize how much I'd lost track of what it felt like to have healthy emotions. What was wrong and right to feel? If Bella had never moved here, I probably would never have had to ask myself this and wouldn't be in this position of questioning my own judgment.

But did I actually wish that Bella never moved here? The accompanying hurt with that thought was surprising. I was more than just infatuated with her –I was attached.

I opened the fridge and got the carton of milk, and poured myself a tall glass.

What was I going to do about Bella? What could I even do about Bella? What could I feasibly do? Befriending her was about as far as I felt completely capable of doing, but it was not enough either. Could I stand to walk in the teetering existence between the two, the thin wire it was?

Not likely. That line was completely temporary –you were meant to fall off one side or the other. It wasn't built to last. What was I supposed to do, then?

Unfortunately there was nothing in my immediate vicinity to bang my head against and bang out all these muddled and confusing things in my head and from under my skin. Alas, I was left with my glass of milk to down alone.

After finishing my glass of milk, I rinsed it out, and put it in the half-full dishwasher. I paced around the kitchen. I finally made the decision to call Emmett.

It rang eight and a half times before he picked up.

"Why the bastard fucking hell are you calling me at fucking three in the goddamn morning?"

"This is a crisis," I said, voice even. "You have to help me out."

"Fuck," Emmett said. "I don't have to do jack shit at three in the fucking morning."

"Come on. Please."

"Ah, fuck," Emmett sighed. I could hear bedsprings creak, as he rolled over, or sat up. "This better be fucking good."

"I think I –I. Uh. I like Bella," I finally was able to blurt out.

"Are you shitting me?" Emmett said. "You called me at three in the morning because –Hallelujah- you like Bella?"

I rubbed my fore head with my hand. "Okay –I more than like her. But. Uh. I don't know what to do."

He sighed, loudly. His voice sounded muffled when he spoke now. "What the Christ, Ed. What. The. Christ. I'd been under the impression that you sort of knew what to do when you More Than Like a girl."

"Well. I do. But not really. This isn't normal for me. I—"

"What!" Emmett whisper yelled. "Edward you stupid little shit! Jesus Christ! Okay: this is normal for you. Everything else –the insomnia, and all the other weird shit you've been going through is not normal. More Than Liking Bella is normal. That's why you have to take the plunge and ask her out already."

"Emmett," I said, "I can't."

"Well, I don't know, Ed. It's your thing to figure out." His voice was starting to slur more, and the bedsprings creaked again. I pictured him slumping back in bed. "Do whatever feels right, I guess."

"But I don't even know what is right," I said.

He yawned. "She's just a girl, Ed. Plenty of 'em. Fish and all that." He finished with a second yawn.

I spluttered, unable to join the idea of Bella and just-a-girl. "Emmett –no. You don't even –You know what? That is just –I can't believe—"I stopped myself to articulate a discernible sentence. "She's not just a girl. If she was, none of this would be happening."

He laughed. "You're acting like she infected you with herpes."

I rolled my eyes. "You aren't helping."

"Sorry," he said, unapologetically. "That's all I've got. Besides, it's your business anyway."

I started to feel panicky. I couldn't figure this out for myself. There was no way. How did Emmett not have a plethora of advice to share? He was currently dating, after all, and I hadn't been on a single date, much less had a crush for ages. How was I expected to just know what I was doing like I'd been doing this all along?

"You there?" Emmett said.

I struggled to regain composure. "Is that it?"

"Is what 'it'?"

"Your advice. That's all you have."

"Yeah, pretty much."

I didn't say anything. Somehow I was still hopeful that Emmett would suddenly come up with something brilliant and useful to tell me, but all that he said was, "I'm tired. See you later," and hung up.

I stood there listening to the dial tone. I looked at the phone, as if expecting it to ring –wishful thinking- and set it on the counter.

I wondered what would happen if I did follow Emmett's advice. Tell her how I feel. Ask her out. Kiss her. Fall in love with her.

Something shot through me at my imaginings, hard and fast like lightening –a shock to remind me that it wasn't okay to think like that. I couldn't just get away with being alive while she wasn't. I had to face some kind of penalty beyond eternal mourning –it really wasn't fair that Tanya was dead and all I'd had to deal with was a few lacerations to the forehead and bit of insomnia. What did that really amount to? At least I got to exist. Now this, however –this thing with Bella. That was really a nice bit of karma. I couldn't do anything with her, and yet, I had to. Every cell in my being sang at her mere glance, and yet I had to steel myself against it. I couldn't let myself be a normal person.

I had to stop thinking about it. It was A) giving me a mind blowing head ache, and B) depressing. I went to watch TV in the living room, in hopes that it would eventually lull me to sleep. It didn't really. Mostly infomercials were on. I watched a few episodes of Jack Ass, but even that started to depress me. I finally turned the TV off and lay on the couch for a while. I tried to imagine sinking into it like vapor or a ghost. Through the fabric, the stuffing, the springs, and the floor, I would descend. I would lie, just like this, on my back, hands laced on my stomach until I found my own grave, beneath the concrete basement floor. I would let out a sigh of contentment and close my eyes and slip away.

I opened my eyes. This was more depressing than when the TV had been on. I got up from the couch, and wandered about the first floor, then went back upstairs to check in on Bella. She was still sound asleep, now though curled up on her other side. She was twitching and making small noises. I drew closer to her, fascinated. She was so incredibly asleep.

I knelt down so my chin rested on the mattress. My fingers gripped the edges. She didn't seem to have noticed or minded my presence. Maybe she was just ignoring it. Could you intentionally ignore some one in your sleep? I couldn't remember. "What are you dreaming about, Bella?" I whispered.

Her answer was a sigh. She rolled over the other way, so she was facing me. I jerked back, startled by the movement. She opened her eyes. I froze. "Uh," I said. All my reasons for looking at her sleep were lodged in my throat.

She blinked blearily. "Hm?" she hummed quietly and closed her eyes again.

"Bella?" I whispered.

Nothing.

I sighed and sat back. Relief pounded in my chest. I hoped she wouldn't wake in the morning –well, later in the morning- and remember.

I went to go take a shower, more as something to do than anything else. Insomnia does that –nights are endless and the day isn't long enough. I turned the hot water all the way up until my toes curled from the heat and stood under the spray until the hot water ran out and I was standing under a frigid downpour. Even then, I savored the feeling. It took my fingers turning purple and my teeth clattering to get myself out. I dried off and put on clean clothes before wandering back out into the drafty hallway.

BellaBellaBellaBellaBella.

Oh, God. I wasn't getting anywhere. If anything it was getting worse. I went back downstairs. I was afraid to be near Bella. I was afraid to think about Bella. But she was all I could think about and she was the only person I wanted to be around. Why? That was all I wanted to know. Why did this have to happen? And why couldn't this just be easy? Why couldn't I just do what Emmett told me to do? Why couldn't I just make myself do something about my situation?

I laid on the couch again in the living room, but didn't turn on the TV. I wished there was a way to turn off my thoughts, like the handle on a faucet. If I could just stop thinking so much, maybe, then I would finally sleep. If only I could sleep as deeply, as easily as Bella did.

I sighed. I tried to feel relaxed. I did feel tired. It was just a matter of falling asleep, at this point. Which was all it took to keep me awake for days. But no. Tonight I needed to sleep. I wanted to sleep, so I could be normal. I wanted to sleep so I could let what I felt in my bones should happen to me and Bella. I wanted to not have Tanya hanging over my head in wait for the moment I should feel the smallest bit better. I wanted to be sure and healthy.

Somehow, then, while I was unaware, I tripped and fell right into sleep.

oO0Oo

In my dream, I'd been sitting in front of Tanya. Everything was dark, except for us –for some reason we were illuminated. That hardly mattered to me; I was looking at Tanya anyway. We were having a conversation, and she told me she was really hurt and disappointed by something I did, but I didn't know what I did, and she wouldn't tell me. "Edward," she said, "I think it's really inappropriate that you're joking around about this. I'm serious."

"So am I," I said. "I don't know what I did." I put my hand on her knee. "Please, can you tell me?"

She pushed my hand off her knee. "This is no time to be flirtatious Edward. I can't believe you."

"Tell me," I insisted.

"I don't get you," Tanya said. She rose slowly to her feet, and the light over her flickered for a moment and suddenly she was Bella.

I stared, surprised to see her but not confused, in that way that you never seem to be in dreams.

"One day, I hope you open your eyes, Edward," Bella said, in Tanya's voice. "I hope you see what's become of you." She turned and walked away.

I awoke with a start and my forehead cracked against something hard.

"Ow," Bella said.

"Christ," I said, in return. I put my hand against my head. My heart was pounding for some reason. I knew I'd just been dreaming, but of what?

"I'm sorry," Bella said. Her own hand was rubbing where she'd hit her head against mine. "I didn't think you were going to do that."

"Wake up?" I said, sitting up.

"No, I mean attack me with your granite forehead."

"I've been know to do that," I said. "Why were you leaning over me like that?"

She blushed. Her hair was pulled back into a hasty pony tail and her eyes were still puffy with sleep. "Sorry. I need to call Charlie and I don't know where your phone is."

I led her to the kitchen and handed her the phone. While she talked to Charlie, I tried to think of something to do so I wouldn't just be standing around feeling kind of awkward. But I just ended up standing around feeling awkward until her phone call was over. She put the phone down on the counter.

"So," she said. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I guess," I said. It wasn't really a lie. I slept well for the time that I was asleep. "You?"

"I slept fine," she said.

Quiet.

Say something. "Do you want anything to eat?" I repressed a wince. And to think how easy it had been last night. All my thinking hadn't done me any good. I knew it wouldn't.

She leaned her hip against the counter and crossed her arms. "Sure."

I would have done something elaborate –like, pancakes, or waffles, or even just scrambled eggs- to impress her. But my breakfast making skills were limited to pouring a bowl of cereal, or setting the right level of heat on the toaster, for a Pop Tart. I went to the cereal cabinet. "What do you feel like having?" I asked.

I felt her walk up, and stand just behind me. I couldn't help it. I turned to look at her. She was standing very close to me. Her cheeks were red. Her dark eyes were big. Her lips chapped. She smiled, just a little. She was beautiful.

I swallowed hard.

"I'll just have whatever you're having," she said. She stepped back, as I moved to get two bowls, from a different cabinet. I remembered last night, how close I stood in front of her, and the feeling in my palms that I could do just about anything in that moment. Wouldn't it be great if I felt like that all the time? Did she feel it too? I peeked at her side long. Sometimes I thought so.

I finished pouring the two bowls, and filled them to almost over flowing, with milk. When I was little we used to have these bowls with straws attached to the insides, just for the purpose of drinking the rest of the cereal residue and milk. I mourned the loss of them. I told Bella this as I put the bowls on the table. She sat down. I realized, too late, that I had put her bowl in the place next to mine, rather than across. I then realized that I didn't really mind.

Bella smiled. "When I was little, my mom went through this whole health nut phase, and she decided she didn't want me eating cereal because of the sugar or something. She made whole grain, vegan, sugar free waffles for me every morning instead. They tasted like cardboard." She stuck a spoonful of Captain Crunch in her mouth. Milk dribbled down her chin. I looked away.

"At least you could use syrup," I said.

She snorted. "Not really. That would sort of defeat the purpose of the waffles, wouldn't it?"

"I guess," I said. "Unless it was sugar free."

She raised her eyebrows. "Is that possible?"

"Not any less than dividing by zero," I said.

"Funny," she said, rolling her eyes. "Real clever."

I shrugged.

"When did you go to sleep?" she said, suddenly.

"Uh. I don't know. After you did."

"Yeah, I figured. You were sleeping down here."

I took in a spoon of cereal, chewed and swallowed. "Why?"

She shrugged. "I was just wondering. Was I talking too much? Was that why you went downstairs?"

I went downstairs because I wanted to be near you while I slept, but I couldn't, and I was afraid. "I just was having trouble sleeping on the floor. What do you mean 'talking'?"

Her face flushed. "Oh, I just have this habit of talking in my sleep."

"Sleep is a strange thing," I said.

"It's very mysterious," she said. "You know scientists don't even know what the purpose of dreams is. Like, scientifically or biologically."

"What do you think it is?"

She hummed to herself thoughtfully. "I think it's to help sort out all the things in our heads that we can't put together when we're in control of what we're thinking."

I considered this for a moment. "My dreams never make any sense. When I dream that is. And when I remember them." For example, the dream I had last night. So far I all I'd been able to dredge up from my memory of it was darkness.

She chewed her mouthful of cereal. "Maybe you just really have to think about what they mean. Maybe they don't mean anything." She shrugged. "Like I said –dreams are mysterious."

"I guess," I said, grudgingly. Now that Bella had put it in my head, I wanted my dreams to mean something. "What do you dream about, Bella?"

"Oh, nothing really," she said. Pink brightened her face. I didn't believe her.

I felt a smile tugging at the edge of my mouth. "Come on. Tell me."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because. You made me curious. Tell me."

"Uh-uh."

"Why not?"

She unhooked the hair from behind her ear to hide her face. "I don't remember."

It was with out any rational thought, that I reached forward, and re-tucked the hair behind her ear, so I could see her face. And then, again, when I dropped my hand from her face, I slid my fingers against her cheek, just to know what it felt like, to have Bella's skin against my own.

Bella was staring at me. She'd turned her face into my hand as I withdrew it. Her stare was intent.

"How do you not remember any of your dreams?" I said. I tried to smile, but it fell flat. My hand was still tingling and my heart racing.

"Um, I don't know. They're just not very interesting."

"Good morning!" Mom said, as she swept into the kitchen.

It took me a moment to respond. "Hey, Mom."

Bella looked almost relieved. I pressed my lips together. If she thought I was about to let it drop, she didn't know me very well.

After we both finished breakfast, I offered to drive Bella home. I sat on the steps while we waited for Bella while she got her shoes. Mom came over and handed me a coffee mug identical to her own.

"Did you get any sleep?" she asked me.

"Some," I admitted. I took a long gulp. It burned the roof of my mouth, but I already felt more awake having the caffeine in me.

She nodded, and looked up the stairwell. "Good. You two already had breakfast right?" she said.

"Yes."

She nodded. "Try to get some rest today, all right? You've been looking pretty worn out lately."

"I slept last night, though."

"Edward," she said, "I'm not asking you. I'm telling you." She went back into the kitchen.

I sipped my coffee.

Bella came down stairs, sans shoes. "I couldn't find them up there. I think I left them outside."

"Outside, where there was a raging hurricane last night, you mean?"

Bella groaned. "Of course."

"Don't worry," I said, remembering something. "So did I."

Both our shoes were intact and on the porch –though I found one of my shoes on the other side of the deck, sopping wet. I opted to go barefoot, though Bella put on her shoes anyway.

As we drove, I thought. On the one hand, there was that part of me that told me it was greedy and wrong for me to want to stay with Bella and to like her. However, on the other hand, I wasn't done with Bella and I liked her and I was selfish enough not to care that I was damaged goods, and was staying that way and she didn't even know. I came to a decision as I pulled up in front of Bella's house.

"Thanks for letting me stay at your house and everything," Bella said, breaking me from my thoughts. Her hand was on the handle, but she didn't move. She smiled timidly.

"No problem. It wasn't like I was about to let you out into that storm." I offered a smile back.

She looked down at her lap and pushed the door open.

"Wait" I quickly said, before she could leave. "Listen, I was just thinking maybe we could practice some more –for the ten K. It's next week."

"Yeah, of course. When do you want to?" She seemed confused that I was bringing this up now.

"Well, today would be good." I wanted to take it back as soon as the words left my mouth. You shouldn't have said that.

"Yeah, that would be fine," Bella said. She beamed at me. "Call me when you come over, okay?"

"Sure," I said. I felt dazed –surprised I guess by her easy acceptance.

"Bye, Edward," she said, before slipping out of the car and jogging up to her front door. I stayed to watch her reach for the key from the eaves and open the door –it stuck, so she had to shove it with her shoulder. She turned back around and saw me. She smiled and waved. I sighed and drove home.

oO0Oo

What are you doing here, Edward? I wondered to myself. I gripped the steering wheel until my finger tips turned red and my knuckles white. My heart was racing.

"I'm picking up Bella," I said, in answer to the question still ringing in my head. I got out of my car and went up to Bella's door. I didn't even let myself hesitate before knocking.

Bella answered. Her hair was wet, but she was wearing shorts and a faded concert t-shirt. "Come in," she said. "I'll be ready in a minute."

I stood by the door while Bella disappeared upstairs. Their living room was just to the right of me. I peeked inside. For some reason, I expected to see some perceptible change –much like the last time I'd been at her house- from pre-Bella and post-Bella. It was the same navy and green plaid couch with the sunken cushions. The same TV. The same frayed arm chair. The same gathering of photos on the walls.

I squinted to see them better. How many times had I looked at them when we joined Charlie for a barbeque or dinner? I tried to remember what my opinion of Bella had been before meeting her. Did I think she looked more than just pretty? Did I see her smile held a million secrets? Could I tell her presence could make your bones feel electric?

"Edward?"

I jerked, startled. "Yeah?" She was standing right next to me.

"Sorry. So I'm ready to go."

I tried not to think too much, because the more I thought, the less sure I was of myself. A colony of angry bees swarmed and buzzed in my head. Say something to her. Smile. Say something funny. Make her laugh. Why is it so quiet?

Alice had called me, telling me via Rosalie, who'd heard via Emmett, that I More Than Liked Bella. "Okayokayokay. This is –oh my God. Words? There aren't any."

"Alice, you are blowing this way out of proportion." I rolled my eyes. If Alice was blowing this out of proportion, I didn't want to know what I was doing.

"No I am not," she said. "God, I just want to kick you sometimes. You lying little jerk, you know what this is."

I sighed. There were so many conversations I'd rather be having with Alice than this one. She was melodramtic. And yelled. And when I didn't comply, called me names. And yelled. And was melodramatic. "Thanks for the input, but I have to take a shower."

"Edward, this conversation cannot wait!" I held the phone a safe distance away from my ear so my ear drum wouldn't blow out. "We need to talk about this!"

"Why?"

She didn't seem to have a real answer. She spluttered and acted outraged. I finally said I had to finish getting ready for my date with Bella because I was going to be late. I hung up, before she could say anything else. What have you just done?

I was still worrying over the repercussions of that conversation, while I drove Bella. While it seemed like a good idea at the time, now I wondered why I'd thought that at all. I was glad I'd forgotten my phone at home.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked. Her head was turned toward the window.

"This place we used to go hiking and camping all the time. It's not that long of a drive." Suddenly I wondered if this was a bad idea. I'd been having a lot of those lately. And on top of that I was questioning my judgment. Then, I came to the realization that chances were, Bella didn't feel the same way at all. Here I'd been so worried about myself, and I didn't even think that Bella might think I was weird or pathetic or whatever it was. She had plenty to choose from.

"How come we're going there?" She turned to look at me, and she didn't look like she thought I was weird or pathetic.

"I don't know," I said. In part it was because I thought that maybe if I got her out of the confines of either my or her house, I would be able to clear my head and see that this was all in fact pretty stupid of me and Bella and I could never work out and I wasn't meant for this level of happiness and Bella should give it to some one whole. "I thought it would be better than just running around the block. That can get pretty monotonous."

Bella turned her face back to the window. In her reflection, I saw her squint her eyes, thinking, and purse her lips. "Do you go camping a lot?"

"Not as much any more. When I was younger we used to go a lot with a bunch of families. Emmett's and mine went the most together."

"How come you stopped?"

"We haven't," I was quick to say. "It's just been less often."

"Oh," she said, and turned to look back out the window.

"What was it like when you visited the Chief before you moved here?" I asked. "Did you hate Forks then, too?"

Her reflection made a face. "I don't hate Forks," she said.

I raised my eyebrows. "Since when?"

She shrugged. "It's just grown on me."

I glanced at her profile. Her cheeks were all pink, and her lips all pressed together, like she was thinking really hard about something embarrassing. I guess it'd grown on me too.

oO0Oo

"Want to know something kind of weird?" Bella asked, as we got out of my car. Our sneakers crunched on the gravel in the empty parking lot. She vised her eyes against the sun, with her hand.

"How weird?" I asked. "Do I want to know?"

She spoke, as if I had said nothing. "Before now, I'd never seen mountains before."

"You're right. That is weird."

"On a scale of one to ten, how weird? Ten being mind-bendingly weird."

"Eleven."

She rolled her eyes. "It's not that weird."

"Yes. Yes it is. That's like saying –like saying you've never seen snow before, or something like that. I'm appalled, really," I said.

She burst into laughter, at that.

I raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

She laughed again. "It's just, I'd never seen snow before moving here, either."

"That is ridiculous," I said. "Do you realize how much of nature you've been missing out on?"

"Give me a break. Plenty of people have never seen snow before."

"You're right. Probably just as many people as people who haven't seen mountains before either."

She rolled her eyes. "I thought we were here to practice for the race."

I lead her up to the trailhead, choosing not to retort.

I hadn't remembered the trail being as long as it was. Bella was good for conversation though. Once she started talking, I was finding it difficult to stop asking her questions. I also realized how little I really even knew about Bella.

"Did you have a lot of friends at your school?" I asked her, after she made an offhand comment about her high school back home.

"Not really. I mean, I had a couple, but I wasn't even very close to them. I wasn't really like anyone there." She squinted her eyes to see up ahead better. "How much longer do we have to go?"

"Not much," I assured her. "So you never call them or anything? Your friends?"

She sighed. "No. I never really saw them outside of school anyway, so…"

"It's not much of a loss?"

"Yeah. I guess not."

I tried to imagine that –having no one except yourself. It pained me to think of Bella as that lonely. "This is probably kind of weird then, isn't it –spending so much time with us Forkians. You must be dying to get back to Arizona."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sort of used to it by now."

"What were your friends like?"

"Quiet. Bookish. Nice. I don't know. Nothing special." She shrugged.

"Wow. Cold."

"It's not," she protested. "I mean, I was just like them, you know? But, nothing really came out of it."

"Huh," I said. We reached the five mile marker, at that point, much like how we'd passed the one, two, three, and four mile markers.

"Why are we stopping?"

"Because I'm challenging you to a race."

She literally went white –something I'd never thought I'd see from Bella the Blushing Queen. "What? Why?" she said, in a thin voice.

I couldn't help it –I laughed. "This is just practice, Bella. Relax."

"But," she said, "I'm not ready yet."

"That's why we're doing it." I drew a line in the dirt, with the tip of my shoe. "The finish line is the four mile marker. Are you ready?"

She swallowed. "Not really. But if that's why we're doing this I don't know why you're even asking."

I suppressed a smile. "Okay. On your mark, get set… go!"

Bella immediately shot ahead, running helter-skelter, as if her very life depended on it. I let her stay ahead for a while, but soon she started to slow down, and I sped up. I passed her easily and made it to the marker. I leaned against it, catching my breath. I watched Bella come back into my view. She was hardly running –if you could call it that. It was more of a desperate shuffle.

When she neared the marker, she doubled over, her hands braced on her knees. Her back heaved, with labored breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked, having caught my own breath. "Maybe you should sit down," I suggested. I was starting to feel concerned. What if she had asthma? And I hadn't even thought to ask? Was she going to pass out? Why hadn't she told me? Unless she didn't know, or it was something worse, like lung cancer or emphysema.

Bella sat, and I hurried to take a seat beside her. It was a few moments before she spoke, but her breathing –thankfully- slowed to normalcy.
"I can't believe you just beat me like that," she groaned. "I was ahead and everything! What happened?"

I shrugged. "You used up all your energy in the beginning. You got tired."

She cussed under her breath. "I should have thought of that."

I shrugged.

"Why did we hike all the way out here, anyway?" she asked. She lay back, propping herself on her elbows.

"Because this is five miles out. So, now you know what half the distance of the race is going to feel like."

"Oh," she said. Then realization dawned on her face. "It's that far?"

I nodded, slowly.

"Ugh," she said.

"You signed up for this race," I pointed out.

She made a face.

"What's that look supposed to mean? Am I wrong?"

"No." She rolled her eyes, and lay down all the way. "It didn't mean anything."

"Yes, it did."

"Do you always interrogate your friends like this?" The quirk of her lips was the only clue I had that she was joking, though the tone of her voice was contrarily serious.

I considered my answer carefully. "Only when I know they're hiding something from me."

Bella glanced at my face then away. "Everyone is keeping something from somebody," she said. She glanced my way again, her expression more pointed this time.

It made sense, since I was trying to hide a lot from Bella. It didn't sit well with me that she could so clearly see this, but the fact remained that she could merely tell I was hiding things from her and not what it was that I was hiding. But it wasn't like I was the only one who was hiding behind a mask. "You hide a lot from me, too, though," I said. "I don't think you trust me." Though I hadn't put a whole lot of thought to it, it seemed like she was holding out on me, while she asked me to divulge my most internal of innards to her. Worse yet, I'd obliged.

"I think you don't trust me," she said, absently. She squinted her eyes against the glare of the sun.

"How is that?" I asked, though I could barely compose my voice, against my near outrage. I was absolutely placing every bit of trust I had in her –against my own better judgment. Was I not letting myself fall all these different ways for her? Did I not tell her about Tanya? Did she not see that? How can you not see that I do? I wanted to ask.

"You do the same thing you're accusing me of. You hold out on me –like, you'll say these half-truths, so you're not lying, and so you don't have to tell me the whole thing." She picked a tiny, white daisy at her side, and twisted it in her fingers. Her cheeks were red. She wouldn't look at me.

"I don't think you see how much I trust you," I admitted, softly. My voice barely managed to eke its way out my throat.

She looked at me and sat up slowly. Once she was sitting up fully, I realized how close we were sitting. How easy would it be to just reach out one hand and touch her cheek, as I had this morning? Or even to just kiss her? How hard could it be? I felt my spine go rigid at the thought.

I wouldn't let myself do that. We could be just friends and it would just be air between us –nothing else- and I could talk to her, just like that –like there was air between us and nothing else.

Except of course when she was looking at me like that. She was so serious, and so still, and her eyes bored into mine, as if all my ugly secrets could be plainly seen through the screen of my eyes. She covered my hand with her own, and said, "I trust you too."

My heart thrashed around my ribcage. Stopstopstopstopstop this, it sputtered. This is bad. It hurts. Brain told Heart it was okay. They were just hands. Hands are hands are hands are hands. Except when they're touching other people's hands. I gently withdrew my hand from under hers. "So then I guess we're on the same page, then," I said a little too lightly.

Her eyes were still serious, as if I'd never spoken. "Ask me what I dreamed about."

I hesitated. The way she asked me made me not want to know. "It's okay –you don't have to tell me that."

Her eyebrows came together. "Ask me," she insisted.

I almost did. "We should go," I said. "It's getting late." I stood up, and offered her my hand.

She looked shocked, like I'd just slapped her. She rose to her feet, ignoring my hand, and strode ahead of me, toward where we'd come. I stood rooted to the spot, before I could get my feet to work. We didn't talk for the rest of the hike back to the car. Even though I sort of knew why she wasn't talking to me, I didn't feel like rejecting her proposition –so to speak- warranted this reaction.

Once we got to my car, I had to breach the silence. "Are you mad at me?" I asked.

She shook her head, and leaned against the passenger door of my car. She avoided my eyes.

"Look, Bella –" I started to say, then stopped, not sure of how I was about to finish. "The car's unlocked."

The drive home was weird –as in unbearably silent. I turned up the volume on the music, but it didn't help. I would glance at Bella every now and then, but she never seemed to be looking at me. What could I say? What did she want me to say? I couldn't very well ask her then, because that was definitely the wrong thing to say.

"What's wrong with us, Edward?" Bella said. She was still looking out the window, and if she hadn't said my name I'm not sure I would've known it was me she was talking to.

"Uh. What do you mean?" I asked, even though I definitely knew what she meant.

She sighed. "I don't know. I'm sorry I got mad."

I felt like I should apologize too, because it was really my fault that she got mad in the first place. But then I would I have say too much, and admit to what I did. So I said nothing.

oO0Oo

Emmett has a knack for showing up unannounced and unapologetic. In fact, he was at my house, and had probably been there when I got home from dropping Bella off. He opened the door as I was unlocking it.

"Is your phone broke?" he demanded.

"Why are you here?"

"Answer the question, Masen."

"No?" I sidestepped around him. "Can you leave, Emmett? I don't feel like talking to you."

"Fuck your feelings, okay? Why don't you answer your phone?"

I went into the kitchen in hopes of evading Emmett. I had no such luck.

"I didn't have it with me." I took out a bag of Doritos from a cabinet. I unfurled the top of the bag, only to discover that the bag was empty.

"I ate those, by the way, while I was waiting for you to get back from your date," Emmett told me. He beamed, smugly.

"What date?" I asked, while I pitched the bag in the garbage. He shoots, he… misses. I picked the bag off the floor, and put it in the bin.

"A little bird named Alice told me you and Bella were going on a date," Emmett said. With the level of smugness that was literally radiating from him, you'd think he'd have been rubbing his hands together, and maybe laughing. But he was pretty composed. Which Emmett had nothing to do with usually.

"It wasn't a date," I told him.

"Whatever. The whole reason I'm here –thanks for asking- is because Jasper's game is tomorrow."

Game? "What game?"

Emmett raised his eyebrows. "His first game of the season? What do you think I'm talking about?"

"Oh. Right," I said. I'd forgotten all about pretty much everything except for my own little melodrama. "So… what about Jasper's game tomorrow?"

"Well, it was moved, because of the storm last night. Flooding, or some shit, in the field. So, they have to use a different one. I'm going to be here at the ass crack of dawn, Eddie-boy, so you better be in beast mode when I get here."

"Right. Why do we have to be in beast mode? Isn't Jasper the one who should be beasting?"

"Firstly it's beastin' –there is a difference. Secondly, of course we have to be in beast mode. I mean, we might as well not go if we aren't beastly, okay?" He took a can of beer from the fridge, gave me a mock salute, and left.

oO0Oo

Tanya came to pick me up at my house, for this date. It was pouring, like I'd never seen it pour before. I was totally soaked by the time I got to her car parked on the curb. We didn't say anything. I don't what it was, but I felt like if I spoke, I'd be disturbing the peace.

She pulled over suddenly, on the side of the road. We listened to the windshield wipers swaying back and forth over the window and never quite clearing it. We listened to the hum of the engine. We listened to the rain tapping all over the car, our bubble. But mostly we listened to our breath. She put her hand on my cheek, and I turned to look at her. We kissed. It felt like we were at the center of the universe, floating in black, and all there was, was us. We expanded and super nova-ed and imploded.

Tanya pulled away from me, slowly, and her eyes were all shiny. She stroked my cheek.

"Are you okay?" I whispered. I wiped a tear away that had slipped out of the corner of her eye. "Why are you crying?"

She kissed me softly once more, and said. "I'm fine now."

We straightened up, and she drove the rest of the drive to Port Angeles, with out saying another word. It was then I knew that she was more than I'd expected. Even though I couldn't have predicted she would be everything.

A/N: I just would like to deeply apologize for how effing long it took to get this chapter posted. I'll just say that I had an intensely busy summer.

I would also like to say that this was nominated for the Indie Twific Awards, and I'm very thankful for that (however long ago that was). I never thought that this fic would get that type of recognition, so it's pretty dang awesome. So thanks to whoever did the nominations!