Hard To Find

L’amoureuse

A quick thank you to all of my reviewers… you guys made my day! Without further ado, here’s the fourth chapter. I put up a version of it yesterday but it wasn’t what I wanted up, so I revised it into what you’re reading now. I hope you’ll be surprised! Enjoy! Also, I’d like to warn you guys that the rating is going to go up to M after this chapter… you’ll understand soon enough! Read and enjoy, and as always, please review!

Lily Evans and her best friend Arabella Figg were often noted as brilliant and beautiful loners, girls who were mysterious in every way. Golden boy James Potter and his best friends were always in the center of attention. How can these two unlikely characters ever fall in love? Slightly AU.

X

Chapter 4- This Is Me Now

‘Lily, could you take a look at these figures?’ A brisk nod.

‘Lily, could you look over the list I made for the ball?’ another brisk nod.

‘Lily, could we talk about what happened last week?’ Nothing.

Slowly, the clock ticked on.

X

Ara was taking a mock-NEWT when Lily stormed in and dropped all of her things on the bed.

‘Why does Potter even try to be my friend? Can’t he take the bloody hint and leave me alone?’

‘He’s trying to be your friend, Lily. Remember those? They do what I do.’ Ara’s tone was humorous but her gaze was questioning. ‘Why won’t you at least try?’

‘Because he’s a prat. And because he kissed me.’

‘Way to bury the lead. Do tell, please.’ So slowly and painfully, Lily told her story.

‘Well that’s dead strange. I’m a bit buggered that you waited so long to tell me, but it’s alright. Don’t worry, really. I understand. But how are things going since the big kiss?’

‘Oh, they’ve been going very well. We haven’t spoken. Well, he’s spoken. An awful lot, actually- he doesn’t shut up. But I don’t answer. He gave a whole speech yesterday; quite funny actually. But- well- I don’t know.’ Lily finished lamely.

‘Back to what I said before- why don’t you try and be his friend? I know you two don’t get along, but I wish you could see it, Lily. The two of you are so alike its absurd.’

‘Give me one way in which we are alike.’

‘You’re both bloody brilliant. You’re both stubborn as anything. You both fight for what you believe in, and believe in right and wrong. You’re both attractive people, both physically and mentally. You have the same ideas, the same morals, the same beliefs. If you two would stop fighting long enough to notice that, I have a feeling things would be very different around here.’

X

‘Welcome to yet another of my classes. I daresay they are becoming boring by now.’ Dumbledore looked at his ten students over his glasses and smiled. ‘Today, I will give you your biggest challenge yet. We will be dueling in pairs, and hold a tournament. This is not to make you feel poorly about your skills but to see realistically where you are all at. Dueling today will be: Ara and Sirius, and James and Lily. Tomorrow, three other pairs will go. The winners will duel, and so on and so forth. You can use any spell that isn’t an Unforgivable. We have Madam Pomfrey on hand to make sure no one suffers… lasting damage.’ Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled merrily.

‘Sirius and Ara, begin!’

Ara looked at Sirius and smirked. She didn’t move, she just stood still and watched Sirius. He raised his wand smoothly and quickly but-

A flash of light and the spell was turned back at him-

Ara threw up a shield and the spell that hit her made a loud clang.

She shot another spell at him, and smiled when he crumpled to the ground.

‘Ah, very effective. A deviation on the standard Stunning Spell, yes? The one invented by Miss Evans, if I’m not mistaken. Good, good. Can you wake him up, please?’ She obliged and pulled him up.

‘Bloody hell, girl, you don’t mess around.’ He smirked, though, and slung an arm around her shoulders before sitting down. Ara looked uncomfortable but- pleased?

‘Lily and James, begin.’

Lily stood as Ara had, immobile and smiling. She knew that he wanted badly to beat her, but she knew he wouldn’t. She had much, much more experience than he did in this area. He lifted his wand and she nonverbally cast a shield. He moved at the last minute to avoid his deflected spell.

The class looked on in amazement, Lily didn’t seem to even be trying. She was playing with him.

Frustrated, James lashed out nonverbally as well, and Lily found herself in the air before-

Bang! James was on the floor. He got up, though, and the duel continued.

Lily continued to go easy on him. After five minutes of James trying to find away around her defenses, she looked at Dumbledore for a split second. He nodded and smiled.

The next second, James was on the floor.

X

It was a quiet morning; the week after the Heads meeting and Lily’s disquieting conversation with Ara, and a day or two after the duel.

‘Hello, Lily.’

‘Oh hi, Sirius. How are you?’

‘I’m good. The same as always, really. Yourself?’

‘I’m fine.’ Lily’s answer was in clipped tones, making it clear she didn’t want to talk about that.

‘How’ve you been holding up since the kiss?’ Sirius smirked over his cereal at her.

‘Potter told you about that?’

‘Yes, he did, and I’m assuming you told Arabella. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course.’

‘No, you’re right. I just- well I don’t understand. We don’t even like each other, yet he kisses me right after I’m done telling him off. It’s ridiculous. Sirius- you boys are a mystery.’

‘The funny thing, Lily, is that most boys think that you’re the mystery. Not us- you.’

‘Well they’re bloody wrong. You blokes are so confusing. And I know I’m supposed to be Lily Evans the mystery woman, but honestly- being private doesn’t mean I’m a frigid bitch, and I wish people would understand that. I’ve been through a lot- I don’t need their whispers and judgments added to that. And now James Potter kisses me and expects that it’ll all be okay. Who dropped him on his head as a child?’

‘His mother, I expect.’

‘Yes well be sure to thank her for me for causing all of these problems. Can you explain to me why he did it? I mean you two are practically the same person- can you tell me why he attacked me after I called him an idiot?’

‘He didn’t attack you- I expect he was just trying to thank you. If I were you, I’d get over. He’s embarrassed about it- don’t get me wrong. But I think that just forgetting it will be the best thing to do.’

‘I’ll try.’ Lily closed the conversation shortly.

A flap of wings announced the owl post. Lily wasn’t accustomed to receiving anything, so when a letter landed in front of her, she dismissed it.

‘Must be a reminder of something- I don’t know. I never get letters from home.’

‘What do you mean, you never get letters from home?’

‘I don’t have a home. One day when we have hours, I’ll tell you a story, Sirius.’ At Lily’s comment, Ara threw her a sharp glance. Lily wasn’t often this open about her life. Lily smiled at her to let her see that she wanted- no she needed Sirius to know this about her.

‘I don’t- I don’t understand, Lily.’

‘I didn’t expect you to. I expected you to-’ Lily abruptly quieted, as if the air had been snatched from her very lungs. She had opened the letter and was now looking at it with a mixture of anger, fear, and pity on her face. Sirius, Ara, and James all looked at Lily with a questioning glance on their faces. ‘I expected you to drop it.’ Lily’s tone was no longer cheerful, it was angry and cold.

‘Are you okay, Lily?’

‘James Potter, when I need your help and your comfort, I’ll ask for it.’ James actually flinched at the malice and hatred running through Lily’s words. ‘But don’t hold your breath- I won’t ever ask. God, you think I need you for every little thing- oh, Lily is upset, let’s infiltrate my way in. Well I don’t need you, Potter. I never will. Whereas you clearly need me, don’t you.’ Lily smirked, but this was the first time that anybody had seen Lily so upset; her hands were shaking but her voice was a steady and as cold as ice.

‘I wasn’t-’

‘Of course you weren’t, Potter.’ Her tone was scathing. She threw the letter down in distaste, and calmly strolled out of the Great Hall. The minute the doors were closed, she took off running.

Ara read the letter and paled dramatically. She rose to go after Lily when-

‘I’ll go.’

‘Sirius?’ Her tone was undoubtedly a challenge.

‘Look, I just- I know what its like to have family problems. If I figured right, I can help her with this. You’ll go after, Figg. Just please- please leave this to me.’ He walked away before she could answer.

‘What on earth just happened?’ A pale Remus Lupin had just walked up to the table. Leaving James the task of explaining, Ara walked away.

X

Sirius’s first stop was the dorms to find Lily with the Marauder’s Map. When he located her in the North Tower, he took off sprinting.

‘Hey, Lily.’ His voice broke her out of her reverie. She was smoking and sitting on the rampart. Her feet were dangling into the void that spread out, inky blackness hiding the ground.

‘Hey, Siri. How did you find me?’

‘I had some help. Want to tell me what’s wrong? I didn’t read the letter, but I assume that had something to do with it.’

‘I- I’d rather not talk about it.’

‘I think you’ll find that talking about it is the best way to feel better.’

‘I suppose- well, it’s a long story. Get comfortable.’ It was clear that if Lily was going to do this, she was going to do it her way.

‘When I was six, my parents were killed. I didn’t know yet that magic existed, so I didn’t understand who the men in black cloaks were and what the green serpent over the house meant. My sister and I- yes, I have a sister- we were placed into an orphanage. The two years I spent there were- and still are- the worst memories I have of life. I don’t make friends easily, so when I went there it was hard to get along with people. And they were constantly coming and going- my only ally was Petunia, my sister. When I turned eleven, that all changed. Dumbledore came to see me- he told me the truth about the night my parents had died, and that not all magic was as evil as the one I saw that night. He told me that there was a way to escape the orphanage- a way to be free for ten months a year. I didn’t have to pay, that was taken care of, and I could leave right away. That left the problem of my sister. Because of the death of my parents, she distrusted magic and magical folk immediately. She offered me an ultimatum- her or Hogwarts. For a month I couldn’t choose. My family or escape? In the end, another student pushed me to leave when she told me that if I stayed with Petunia forever, I’d always regret not going. So I left and from then on, my sister made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. In two years, I lost my home, my parents, and my sister. But I also gained Ara and Hogwarts- something I’ll never regret. Every summer, I go back to the orphanage and live there for two months in misery. I never visit anyone, and I never get adopted. No one wants me, not back then and not now. The letter I just got is one informing me that I can’t go back- ever. You can read it if you want, Ara’ll have it.’

Sirius blew out a breath.

‘Lily, I know you think you’re the only one with a bad situation. No, I’m not saying that to be mean- my situation is nothing like yours. And yet, we’re so alike. You told me what I suppose is your biggest secret, so I’ll tell you one of mine. I’ve been disowned by my family. Bellatrix Black- well she’s my cousin. No, not just a popular last name. And Regulus Black is my brother. My entire family- they’re obsessed with pure blood. And when I rebelled, well that didn’t go over well. I mean, my childhood was never what I’d call idyllic, but I had a home and a family, no matter how much I hated both. Then last summer, I got in a huge fight with Regulus. Broke his wrist and his nose and his cheekbone, actually. But they kicked me out. I’ve been living with the Potter’s since.’

Lily just looked at him.

‘I don’t care, you know. I don’t care who you’re related to. The thing is, Sirius- I consider you a friend now, and I hope that’s alright.’

‘It’s more than alright Lily- it’s good.’

X

‘I thought I might find you here.’

‘You were right.’

‘You really shouldn’t smoke.’

‘You really shouldn’t talk.’

James chuckled quietly. ‘Want to tell me what that was all about?’

‘Not particularly, no.’

‘Well just know that- despite all of my imperfections and annoyances, I am here for you. As a friend- even if that friendship isn’t returned. But you were there for me when I needed you most, and I won’t ever forget that. You know, we’ve known each other for seven years. And for seven years, I’ve wondered who the hell you are. You’re such a mystery, Lily, but it’s one of the things I like the most about you. I do wish you’d let people in. not just me- anyone. I know you have Arabella, and now Sirius apparently, but- well, you need more people in your life. I don’t know if I’m one to talk, considering three best friends is all I need, but I do know that the relationships I’ve built with them are the most important things in my life. Just think about it, Lily- now come on, let’s get you in bed.’

He leaned up and gently but firmly gripped her arm. In empty silence, they walked back to the dorms from the North Tower, where Lily had been hiding. James’s hand slid down her arm to her hand and Lily shivered. She hadn’t felt like that in a long time, and it came as a surprise. They walked into the room, still quiet. Not a word had passed between them since James’s speech, and when James looked down at Lily, he could see her thinking.

They walked up to the landing before parting ways for their separate rooms- the one practical thing about sharing the Heads Room was the privacy- when Lily reached up and kissed James.

Now, James had been the one to initiate their last kiss, and he had liked that one a whole lot. At the time, he hadn’t been sure why he kissed her. He figured that it was his way of thanking her for what she had done, and his thanks had been manifested as a kiss. This time, it was all Lily. Maybe she was thanking him for coming to get her; he wasn’t sure. Maybe she was letting him in- but that was ridiculous. Lily Evans would never let him in. No matter the reason, all he knew was that the kiss was mind-blowing. What he didn’t expect was for them to walk up into his room and take the kiss a whole lot further.

X

Bright sunlight was a harsh reminder that Lily hadn’t closed her bed drapes last night. She felt a pounding headache, as if she had a hangover- but wait, that couldn’t be right, she hadn’t gone anywhere last night- and she hadn’t gotten drunk by herself for a while now. So how? Lily was all too soon aware of a warm form pressed against her, holding her close to a warm, muscular chest.

Who on earth-

Lily almost- almost screamed when she saw James Potter in bed next to her.

I slept with James Potter? Of course she had been feeling upset last night, but to just turn to James Potter for some feel-better sex was something she never had expected to do. The letter from the orphanage had given way to some awfully messy emotions, and they came rushing back as she remembered the letter.

Ms. Evans,

We regret to inform you that since your sister has left the orphanage, we can no longer offer you place here. As you may remember, the deal was made with the state that you would remain as long as your sister did. Now that she has left, we can no longer legally keep you here. However, you are not yet eighteen, which poses a problem. We cannot offer you a room here; we can only hope that you will find a suitable living situation. The payment for your school does not need to be taken care of, as the state left enough gold for you to finish your last year. Best of luck to you,

The Goldfinch Orphanage

That was it. One letter and her entire life had been stripped away. One letter and she had no family, no home. It was only natural that she had seeked the comfort and oblivion of a male’s arms. But James Potter’s? That was going too far.

Slowly, quietly, sneakily, Lily crept out of bed, realizing that she was naked. This only further intensified her feelings of oh no what have I done I’m screwed now I slept with James Potter for crying out loud he isn’t even a friend and now I’m so screwed oh shit oh shit oh shit oh fuck.

She walked into her room, locked the door, and thought.

Meanwhile, James Potter was waking up from the strangest dream. And then he realized that his sheets were gone, he was naked, and he had slept with a certain Lily Evans last night.

Fuck.

X

I know, I know. But I was really interested in making their relationship progress physically at first, and then catch up emotionally. In the next couple of chapters you’ll see the ball, Christmas, and some more interaction between Lily and Sirius and James and Remus and… well every other character! Please don’t crucify me for their sleeping together! And I hope I explained some of Lily’s character with her background- the duel was meant to show how powerful she is.. I’ll explain that later. More went on in that orphanage than she lets on. If I don’t get any reviews, you guys will have to wait a week for the next chapter- not a day!

Please review!

Some teasers for next chapter-

‘You didn’t have to get me a present.’ ‘I know, but I wanted to.’

X

His heart burst into jealous beats and he saw red when he saw them kiss.

X

‘God, James- it meant nothing. Don’t look at me like that- you just want an excuse to be mad at me. I won’t give it to you.’

X

‘Still want to know what shape I take?’