|Self Improvement For Mutants
Author: Red Witch PM
The Brotherhood listen to a selfhelp tape.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 2,587 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 16 - Published: 11-11-01 - Status: Complete - id: 450161
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own X-Men Evolution characters has been stolen. Three guesses who did it.
Self Improvement for Mutants
"Did you get it Toad?"
"Yeah Fred, I got it," Todd nodded.
"Come on, let's go into my room!" Fred looked around furtively. They snuck into his room. Todd took out a tape and put it into Fred's boom box. He turned it on then sat down next to Fred on the bed. Both boys listened attentively.
"Hello," The tape spoke. "I'm Rob Masterston."
"Hi!" Fred said. "I'm Fred Dukes."
"Do you want it all?" The tape continued.
"Well that's a stupid question," Todd huffed.
"Do you want money? Fame? Do you want to improve your lifestyle?"
"Duh!" Fred said. "That's why we got the tape in the first place!"
"Do you feel that your life is going nowhere? That you are kept down by forces you can't control?"
"Boy this guy can read us like a book," Todd said.
"It's uncanny," Fred agreed.
"Okay what are you two up to?" Lance asked. He and Pietro were standing at the door.
"Oh hi!" Todd turned off the tape. "We're listening to one of those self improvement tapes."
"We want to improve ourselves," Fred said proudly.
"Lance you can have this one. That line is far too easy for me," Pietro shook his head.
"Okay I'll bite," Lance groaned. "And how are you two going to accomplish this impossible task?"
"By listening to this tape of course," Fred huffed. "Toad and I have been thinking…"
"This is a special alert!" Pietro cracked. "Blob and Toad have been thinking! Warning! Warning! Lock your doors! Beware! Beware!"
"I'm serious Pietro," Fred said. "We think that anything we can do that will improve ourselves will give us an edge. Especially when we go against any of the X-Geeks again."
"Guys don't you realize that those self improvement tapes are nothing but scams?" Lance told them. "They're just ways to rob people of their cash."
"What jealous cause you didn't think of it yourself?" Todd cracked. "Besides, I stole the tape, so we didn't waste a dime! So there!"
"Yeah besides we did some checking," Fred continued. "This guy is recommended by four out of seven talk show hosts!"
"That many?" Pietro said. "My, my."
"Hey not just any talk shows," Todd defended. "This Masterson guy was on Oprah!"
"Oh well that of course makes all the difference," Pietro smirked.
"Laugh all you want smart guy," Todd turned the tape back on again. "But you'll see the results when we're through."
"Do you feel that you are not living up to your full potential in life?" The tape asked.
"Oh we see the results already," Lance shook his head.
"Quiet!" Todd snapped.
"Do you have yearnings? Needs that need to be fulfilled?"
"Yeah I need to get a soda," Lance turned to go. "See ya losers!"
"Would you like to find a way to get the girl of your dreams?"
"Keep talkin' Rob," Lance did an about face and sat down on the floor next to the tape.
"Oh lord…" Pietro shook his head. "It's not easy being the only perfect person in the house."
"With my new 12 step program I can guide your path to achieving your goals. Realizing your dreams, becoming a new you."
"Well that's a relief because all the warranties have expired on your brains!" Pietro said.
"Shut up Pietro!" Lance said. "Okay Rob, start talking!"
"The first step is rather simple. What are your goals in life? Write them down."
"Hey nobody told me we had to take notes!" Fred said.
"I don't need notes! I know what I want, Kitty!" Lance told the tape. "Next step Rob!"
"You don't have to limit yourself to one goal. Write down anything you dream about. No matter how silly or impossible it may seem."
"Fine I'll have Kitty and the car from Knight Rider," Lance said. "Move on!"
"Hey Lance some of us are a little more complex!" Todd was scribbling on a piece of paper.
"A little too complex," Pietro said.
"Pietro you don't have to stand there you know!" Lance snapped.
"Good point," Pietro zipped over to the other side of the bed and sat down. "There! That's much better!"
"Pietro you don't have to be here!" Todd said.
"And miss this evening's entertainment? No way!" Pietro smiled. "I wonder if I have time to make popcorn?"
"Now that you have written down your goals," the tape continued. "You have successfully completed step one. Now that wasn't so hard now was it?"
"Hey slow down yo!" Todd was still scribbling. "I'm not done yet!"
"It's not healthy to hide your feelings. Stop the tape for a while and discuss with someone what you have written down. Share your goals and dreams with someone who will listen. A friend or family member who will support you on your road to self-improvement. An ally who will help you nurture your dream."
"Yeah well I'm gonna have to settle for you clowns," Lance groaned as he shut off the tape. "Okay I want…"
"We all know what you want Lance," Pietro said. "I wanna hear from the dynamic duo over here. This is gonna be good. Okay Fred you're up."
"Well," Fred scratched his head with his pencil as he consulted the list. "I want to make a lot of money. I want people to stop laughing at me. I want to learn how to be a better cook. I want to get a girlfriend and have a family someday with a nice little farm with sheep and cows and elephants."
"Elephants?" Lance cocked an eyebrow.
"I like elephants," Fred said. "Besides, can you picture me riding a horse? Elephants are more practical."
"Yeah I can picture it," Pietro laughed. He made an imitation of a horse being ridden by Fred and dying under the weight. Fred whomped him with a pillow.
"Okay Toad you're up," Lance groaned.
"Oh this I gotta hear," Pietro said.
"Well," Todd consulted his list. "I want to have people to be nicer to me. I want to have a girlfriend and a family someday. I'd like to get bigger and stronger so I can not get beaten up all the time. I also wanna get stronger so that I can beat up on all the jerks that beat up on me! I want money, fame, power, an island in the Caribbean, a really cool car, a jet, a whole bunch of animals for pets, a swimming pool and an ice cream sandwich."
"Well I think I can help you with the sandwich Toad," Pietro smirked.
"I'm not done yet," Todd said. " I wanna win the Indy 500. I wanna win an Emmy and an Oscar and the Nobel Peace Prize. Not to mention the lottery. I wanna win a couple of gold medals at the Olympics. I wanna become President or King of a country somewhere. I wanna date a supermodel. I wanna go into space and be an astronaut and be the first guy on Mars. I wanna become a scientist and make a monster and keep it for a pet. And I also wanna be a cowboy and ride a horse named Trigger. Or Silver. Or have some kind of cool name so it will be a memorable one when we win the Kentucky Derby."
"Is that all?" Lance asked, dreading the answer.
"No I didn't have time to write the rest down but that's all the important stuff."
"Ah such simple dreams," Pietro shook his head. "Mighty trees grow from such little nuts."
"Freddy what are you doing?" Lance asked.
Fred was writing something down. "I'm adding something to my list. I want an ice cream sandwich too!"
"Oh man," Lance groaned. "Can we move on now?"
"Wait a minute, Quickie hasn't said anything yet!" Todd spoke up.
"Oh no I'm not playing," Pietro said. "I'm merely a spectator here."
"Aw come on," Fred said. "We told you ours!"
"Yeah!" Todd said. "No fair!"
"Aw come on Pietro humor us," Lance said.
"Oh all right," Pietro stroked his chin. "Although it's so hard to improve on perfection. I'm already the most talented person I know. But I guess fame would be nice. Yeah, okay. I want to be worshiped for the talented creative genius that I am. Hmmm. I suppose I could do it either as a star athlete or a movie star. One or the other."
"Why not both?" Todd said. "It's been done before."
"Good point Toad," Pietro agreed. "Why not!"
"Okay now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on," Lance turned on the tape again.
"Step 2," The tape toned onward. "What are the obstacles holding you back from achieving your dreams?"
"Well if you guys have to make another list we could be here all night," Pietro said.
"Pietro shut up!" Lance said.
"Think about what is keeping you back. Perhaps it's something from your childhood. Parents can have a profound impact on our lives. Let's start with Father issues…"
"Father issues?" Pietro turned white. "I don't have any father issues! Who said anything about father issues?"
"The guy on the tape," Fred told him. "Pay attention."
"Think about your relationship with your father. What was it like? How has this relationship molded you in any way?"
"Our parents ditched us," Todd said. "Moving on."
"I'm not like my father," Pietro babbled. " He hasn't molded me in any way! This is crazy talk. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy talk. He hasn't done anything to me…I mean anything for…Why am I saying this? You don't know anything! Uh uh. Nothing. Nothing. This guy is a quack! That's right a quack!"
"Quickie, are you okay?" Todd looked at him.
"Of course I'm okay," Pietro pulled his knees to his chest. "I'm fine! Fine! Fine! Ha! Ha! You know me! Crazy Pietro! Well I'm not crazy, crazy! I'm crazy as in 'Wild and Crazy Guy!' You know me! Good Time Pietro! Ha! Ha! Hey can we fast forward through this part?"
"Maybe how your father treated your mother has shaped your attitudes towards the opposite sex. Perhaps has even interfered in some way with your relationships with other people."
"Wait a minute," Lance said. "This guy might be on to something. Go on Rob."
"Were you in a loving, nurturing relationship with your father? Think about it. How do you feel."
"Listen Pal!" Pietro yelled at the tape. "Cuckoos are more nurturing parents! And they just dump their kids off onto someone else to raise! You wanna know how I feel about my father right now? Here!"
Pietro yanked the tape out of the boom box and stomped on it. He jumped up and down screaming. "How's this for father issues pal?" He shouted.
"Hey man, what are ya doin'?" Todd shouted.
"Pietro knock it off!" Fred shouted.
"What are you doing?" Lance shouted. "Knock it off!"
"AAAAGGGHHH!" Pietro yanked all the tape out of the cassette with one fell swoop and raced downstairs with it. The others ran after him only to discover him in the kitchen. He was chopping the tape up in the blender. "DIE! DIE! DIE!" He shouted laughing maniacally.
"Pietro! Stop it!" Lance shouted. Pietro obeyed.
"Phew," Pietro wiped his brow. Then surveyed his handiwork. "Hey! I feel better! Those tapes do work!"
"Aw nice goin' Quickie!" Todd groaned looking at the damage. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to steal that copy in the first place."
"Now I'll never get my elephant," Fred frowned.
"Forget the stupid elephant! I want Kitty!" Lance shouted. "Pietro what was all that about?"
"Oh just dealing with some issues like the tape said," Pietro shrugged. "Hey! Anybody wanna get some ice cream sandwiches. I'm buyin'."
"Yeah okay," Todd shrugged.
"Works for me," Fred agreed. "You coming Lance?"
Lance was holding pieces of the mangled tape in his hands. "Maybe if I can put this all together like a jigsaw puzzle," He reasoned. "I can find out how to win Kitty's heart."
"Oh give it up yo!" Todd rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.
"Come on Lance," Fred dragged him away. "An ice cream sandwich will make you feel better."
"No it won't! Ice cream sandwiches don't solve anything!" Lance wailed.
"Boy you do need help," Fred rolled his eyes.