My first piece centered around Miroku. Be kind, don't whine.

symphony of the masked faces

Title: Half Empty

Rating: T

Pairing: Miroku and Kagome

Summary: All he had now was a box of maybes, half empty. Or was it full? He didn't quite remember.

Authors Note: This fits somewhere in the timeline of Kagome's life. It definitely starts before Desolate and the prequel I'm writing but ends along the same time frame of Desolate. I will be writing Sango's side soon after this and get Inuyasha into the mix soon. All of these pieces play some role in Kagome's character, I just need to find out where.

P.S. The lord that is discussed is Lord Takeda Kuranosuke from episode 78.

“I’m sorry." He nodded and watched as she walked out of his life. He didn't feel the piercing agony of rejection, not yet. She was going to marry the young lord, not because he was wealthy, not because of love, but because she just couldn't wait for him any longer. Miroku didn't blame her for leaving. He had nothing more to offer than a flimsy layer of love. With Kuranosuke she could build up her broken village and make it thrive, so she wouldn't feel so bitter and helpless. He had nothing more to offer than a halfhearted promise of a future together. He watched as she walked out of his life. He didn't feel anything.

Maybe he hadn't loved her enough to stop her from leaving.

Maybe he hadn't loved her at all.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

A box full of maybes.

It was all he had these days.

"I'm sorry." He nodded and watched as she walked out of his life. He felt the piercing agony of rejection. She was going to marry the lord, not because he was wealthy, not because she couldn't wait for him any longer, but because she loved him. Miroku didn't blame her for leaving. He had nothing more to offer than a flimsy layer of love. With Sesshomaru she could build up a new life without the loss of her old home constantly plaguing her mind. He had nothing more to offer than a wholehearted promise of a future together. He watched as she walked out of his life. He felt everything.

Maybe he loved her too much to stop her from leaving.

Maybe he truly loved her more than Sango.

Maybe his love just wasn't enough.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

A box full of maybes.

It was all he had these days.

The box full of maybes was half full, or was it half empty?

He didn't know.

She smiled at him during the mating ceremony.

Smiled at him like he was a dear, old friend.

Smiled at him like he hadn't kissed her all those nights ago.

Smiled at him like she hadn't loved him not so long ago.

The box full of maybes was half empty, just like him.

He knew.

The staff he had once travelled with lays in the corner of the hut, it reminds him too much of the past.

The hole in his hand is gone but he still keeps the beads on, it reminds him of the past.

Sometimes he wishes it would come back because then they would all travel together again.

Inuyasha, the brash but caring protector.

Shippo, the sweet and innocent child.

Kirara, the fiercely loyal ally.

Sango, the pained warrior.

Kagome, the beautiful, loyal, caring glue who held the group together.

And him, Miroku the monk, the wise, pervert with good intentions.

He wishes, wishes on the magic-less, dull bauble of a jewel.

Nothing happens and he turns his ire to the staff in the corner of the hut.

It breaks into pieces and he winces at the splinters in his fingers.

He breaks into pieces and the staff, mocking him, winces back.

He is at a level of drunk he calls nirvana.

Drunk enough to not care about anything.

Sober enough to think.

The sake in his hand is forgotten as he relays his bitter love stories to Hachi.

He loved Sango first.

And then Kagome.

No, that's not right.

He loved Kagome first.

And then Sango.

No, that's not right either.

Hachi is too inebriated to care about the details, or the story itself.

Miroku believes he is on the brink of realizing something that could very well change his life.

He loved Sango, loved her enough that he was willing to marry her.

He loved Kagome enough that he nearly lost it when she left.

He loved Kagome, after Sango left? no...

No, before Sango left? No that's not right...

Before Sango was there? Yes his conscious shouts.

He jerks forward- though he believes it is due to admitting he has loved Kagome far longer than he thought.

In all reality, it is because the sake in his stomach is looking for an escape route.

He learns this seconds later when he throws up all over Hachi's feet and promptly passes out.

He wakes with a hangover, a kick to the head and a foul taste in his mouth.

Hachi is yelling at him about the vomit on his toes, Miroku's attitude and other things Miroku doesn't care about.

He tells him to go away and he closes his eyes as the sound of Hachi's footsteps grow quieter.

He loved Sango because she was strong where he was weak and weak where he was strong.

She had lost and bled and could still wake up and smile.

He loved Sango because she had waited. Waited as long as she could.

He loved Kagome because she was strong and weak, beautiful and caring, loud and willful.

She had sacrificed and bled in battles that she did not have to fight and could still wake up and smile.

He loved Kagome because she waited even when the odds were against her. She waited until there was nothing left to wait for.

"Why Miroku are you flirting with me?" It was night, the stars were scattered across the skies. It was just the two of them in a meadow full of soft grass. The wind softly teased her hair and he wished he could be the wind. Her smile warmed him, her eyes overflowing with emotions. She bit the bottom of her lip and he was so tempted to smooth the bruised flesh over with his tongue.

"Only you Kagome." Her light laugh washed over him.

"No, I just don't believe it." She playfully swatted her hand at him before he caught it.

"What do I have to do to prove it?" He traced every one of her fingers.

"Sing me a song, write me a poem, bring me flowers and chocolates," she joked. She didn't notice he was by her side until she was pushed onto the ground, pressed against him.

"Will a kiss do?" he asked half joking, half serious.

"Maybe" she breathed out. He caught her lips once.

"Maybe" she whispered. He caught her lips again.

"Maybe" she teased. He caught her lips over and over.

"Are maybes the only thing you have for me?" he asked, his thumb tracing her lower lip.

"I've got a box full of maybes."

"How long till I reach the bottom?" It was supposed to be a joke but his smile fell at the seriousness on her face.

"I just don't know." she admitted.

"It doesn't matter, I've got time." He breathed her in and lost himself.

"I'm sorry." This time he was the one to say it. The words sounded stale but they held truth. He really did feel sorry for the girl. Sesshomaru had showed up to his hut not more than a month before and as stoic and threatening as ever more or less informed him that he would never ever have Kagome. He left swiftly after that.

The next time he came with Rin and told him she was of marrying age and he was the only human male who had some semblance of sense. With Rin standing there, head down, eyes focused on the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, he couldn't say no to such a fragile girl. And so here he was- married to a girl- one he barely knew.

"I'm sorry." He says again. "I will protect you, I will support and care for you. I will give you children and a home and try to make you as happy as I can. If I make promises, I will try to keep them to you. I will never leave you, beat you or undermine you, this I promise you. What I cannot promise is that I will love you. I've been broken one too many times and I'm afraid I'm too jaded to love you." He grabbed her shaking hands. "You are a sweet girl Rin. I do like you but all I can give you is what you see. I hope that will be enough." He kissed her and pretended he loved her. He blew out the candle and brought her to bed.

They made love in the darkness and when he called out, he strained himself to remember to say "Rin." She appreciated his effort.

He was happy.

Or well Rin was, and if she was happy then he had no reason to be upset.

She had given him four children, each proving to him that he could love again. The pain of Sango's rejection had become a distant memory and chalked up as young love- sweet at first but not as serious as it appears to be. The pain of his failed relationships seemed like a distant memory.

So when he learned of Kagome's death, he was unprepared for the backlash of emotions rushing through him.

"How?"

"They say suicide. I am sorry Miroku, I know she was your friend." All her words go unheard except suicide.

"No, she would never do that. It's Kagome, she loved life too much. I don't- no- it can't be." He suddenly thought he would die and crumbled when he didn't.

"She became his secondmate Miroku, she would willingly condemn herself to mistreatment. Minutes before she died, she told Sesshomaru-sama he could mate with Vivienne. It must have been too much to handle-being replaced, I can understand her grief but I don't agree with her selfish actions." Miroku swore he would have slapped her if he didn't know any better.

"Kagome was never ever selfish. Something else must have happened- he led her to her death and he knew it." The conviction and pure rage in his voice was enough to keep her quiet. He slid to the dirt floor, face in hands and he let out a shaky breath, but not before he saw the horror on Rin's face.

"She was the one... wasn't she?" He thought of not answering but realized that was unwise. He had always been honest in their relationship, it was no time to lie now.

"Yes Rin, she's the one. She's always been the one, will always be the one."

"It was right underneath my nose and I never noticed."

"Not now Rin, please. I do not need any more reminders that she has passed."

"But Miroku, you need to face the truth. We have always been honest to each other so I hope what I say will be respected and taken into thought. I am not happy that she has passed, she treated me with a kindness that few possess. But, I am glad that this will allow you to move on and be happy. You're free to love."

"Love who Rin, you?" He bit out.

"Don't be unkind Miroku, it is not in your nature- but yes me. Haven't I stood by your side, haven't I given you children and lived in a loveless marriage for long enough? If you just give us a chance instead of gripping onto the past I'm sure you could find the happiness you need." She was so desperate, he wished that he had it in him to love her.

"You are right, I have been unkind. I have deprived you of things you should have had." She looked up at him hopefully. "Do you remember what I told you the night we first coupled?" A crack appeared in her smile. "I told you I would not promise to love you when I wasn't sure if I could. You knew the circumstances of an arranged marriage, so did Sesshomaru." He spat out the name in hatred. "I have sacrificed in my life too Rin. I have lost love twice and lost too many people who mattered. For years I thought I would die before I even reached 20. I have supported you and our children. I have never hit you or mistreated you. I gave and you took. You gave and I took. I like you, you have been a kind and understanding wife, but I will never love you." The words felt harsher than last time and he heard her try and stifle a sob. "Even after all these years she still haunts me. Even after her death I continue to love her and now I know, I will never be free." She ran off but he did not go after her, he just didn't have it in him. The truth would be a bitter pill to swallow but she had to. In another time and place, where the circumstances were different, he would have loved her but this was not one of those times. He thought back to the woman he loved. Dead, she was dead.

Maybe if he had tried harder they would have both been happy.

Maybe if he tried harder they would be together now.

Maybe if he had tried harder she wouldn't be dead.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

That was all he had these days.

A box of maybes, half empty.

Just like him.

Review please and thank you for reading.

- symphony of the masked faces

Authors note:

There you go, a bit morbid but I felt like this was something I needed to write. This story also answers the question of what exactly happened to Miroku, Rin and Sango in the story line. This obviously runs alongside Desolate in the whole time frame. Anyways here is a little authors note that I hope will clear some things up. This is the rundown:

A short time before the last battle with Naraku, Sango makes Miroku decide if he is serious about them being together. Although he "loved" Sango, mentally and emotionally he felt that he just wasn't ready to make a decision like that. He didn't want to die in the battle and leave her miserable and alone. He didn't want to cause her any more pain. However when he tells her this, she informs him that she is going to marry Takeda Kuranosake and she leaves him with the words I'm sorry. As time passes he grows closer and closer to Kagome and when it seemed that things were going well- the battle with Naraku comes and she dies. When she is brought back to life by Sesshomaru and Kagome calls out to him (refer back to Desolate and you will know what part I'm talking about) Miroku knows that she has been bound to Sesshomaru. He naively believes that this bond will be like the one Rin and Sesshomaru share, however he is mistaken and surprised when Kagome tells him she is going to become Sesshomaru's mate and leaves him "I'm sorry." This time he is more fiercely devastated and most of his days are spent in depression and drinking. He realizes that he has always loved Kagome. Later on in time, Sesshomaru approaches Miroku. He knows of Miroku's feelings and at the time Kagome was Sesshomaru's one and only. Sesshomaru tells Miroku that Kagome will never be his and leaves Miroku to stew. When he comes back Rin in tow, he tells Miroku that he will marry Rin, mostly because he is a) the only human male he really knows and b)he knows where to find Miroku and knows that he is loyal. He wants Rin to be happy but does not count love into the mix. Miroku, feeling for the young girl accepts. When they consumate their marriage- Miroku tells Rin he will never love her but he will take care of her. Over time they have children and Miroku begins to feels himself again. He believes he has buried his past and his old feelings but is sadly mistaken when Rin tells him of Kagome's death and the details. Rin realizes that Miroku has always loved Kagome and tells him her feelings, of how that the woman who had him enamored with her passed on but that he could love again. Miroku, angry and full of despair doesn't want anything to do with Rin. Rin talks of how she took care of Miroku and their children and how they should give love a shot. Miroku tells her that he has sacrificed just as much, maybe even a little more than she did. He reminds her of their consumation and the words he had told her. Rin runs off but Miroku is too lost in grief to even run after her.

Miroku isn't funny Miroku in here. This is more of his wise/ serious side. By the end of the story he is in his late fourties, Rin in her late 20's/ early 30's.

Miroku really does fiercely love Kagome and he will die loving her. That is how I envisioned this. He doesn't have so much of a happy ending. He has his children who he loves and a wife he likes or well after all of this- I just don't know. Maybe in death he will find Kagome. Maybe not.

Does Kagome love Miroku? Ah that is the question. That segment I wrote of them in the meadow was more intimate than the relationship between her and Inuyasha. By this time Inuyasha and Kagome are over and Sango is with Kuranosake. This scene takes place obviously a time after Sango leaves- enough time that he and Kagome grow closer and he believes to love her. Then the last battle comes and she ends up bound to Sesshomaru. The relationship between Kagome and Miroku officially ends while Sesshomaru is courting Kagome. Early enough that it was acceptable to have a relationship with someone else but late enough that she realized her budding feelings and didn't want him to get hurt. But I kind of went off a tangent, the answer is- drum roll please...yes she did love him once. While it was deeper in some aspects compared to the relationship she had with Inuyasha, it cannot compare to her relationship with Sesshomaru.

Naraku really does go out with a bang. With one action he manages to cause somewhat of a domino effect. Everyone ends up unhappy in some form. The degrees of unhappiness vary but everyone is affected. Naraku would be proud of his work I think.

Rin will not be happy either. Like Miroku, she has her lovely children and is with a man she loves but doesn't love her back. She will live life half happy, half pained.

Oh and after the wish is made, Kagome gives him the jewel. This is significant but I won't go into too much detail because it will be explained in Sango's story and later in Inuyasha's story.

Rin who at first doesn't expect love, eventually grows to love Miroku and just wants to be loved in return. I envision her as just a little selfish. Every one wants to be loved- everyone deserves love but you can't force someone to love you, sometimes you have to take what you can get. That is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Sango's story is up next. If you read this, thank you. Until next time.