a.n-one last story for you memaw. i love you.

Big Boys Don’t Cry

The sun shone brilliantly, just feet away from Josh. Warm, delicious rays lapped at the cold tile floor through tiny cracks in the closed blinds, and Josh gritted his teeth, wishing that he could feel it, could just breathe as the golden rays melted the ice around his heart. Ice that, he was sure would be frozen solid for years to come.

The air inside the hospital room was leaden. It was impossible to breathe, and as Josh let his eyes roam over the features of the space around him, he found it impossible to think as well. Silence pushed hard against his eardrums, and Josh wanted to scream, just to break the tension in the air. He wanted to scream as if he’d never scream again, as if, maybe he could make enough noise to wake Grammy from her slumber.

The woman had been fighting a long hard battle, with various illnesses over the years. Cancer. Emphysema. Heart-attack. She never faltered. Through medicines, and treatments, and procedures, and hospital stays, she stood. Forever Grammy, and now, now, she lie silent. She gave up the fight, and Josh was angry. Josh was hurt. Josh just wanted Grammy to just sit up, and laugh, declare it all a joke, and make fun of Josh for being so effected. He wanted Grammy back.

His gaze fluttered across her face once more, her closed eyes, and still chest, and choked back a sob. He would not cry. He was almost twenty for god’s sake, death happened. Instead, He clenched his fist, and watched absently as he ground away a clump of dried mud between the toe of his boot and the tile. Then he stood, shaking the ache out of his muscles, gained from hours of sitting, unmoving in the same hard backed plastic chair, he just rose out of, and Josh moved, step by aching step towards the outside door three floors below.

There, the sun wasn’t quite as warm as he’d expected. Maybe he was just frozen solid, he didn’t know. But he lifted his head never-the-less and let out a raucous, blood-curling scream, a lament to the heavens.

Upstairs, Grammy slept on.

The Funeral Procession was slow, and Josh drove alone. The line of cars wound along the roads to the cemetery, a garish, multicolored march towards more blinding pain for Josh. The sun shone down, through a veil of clouds, and Josh couldn’t help but hate it. Hate it for all it stood for, happiness, and hope, and goodness, all the things he missed about life with Grammy. She’d taken them with her when she left, sucked them right out of Josh’s veins with the gasping of her final breath. Josh liked to think that maybe, Grammy was happy now, better with no pain, but that was so very hard for a guy to believe while standing alone smack in the middle of his on personal hell. He couldn’t believe anything while surrounded by demons.

The faint clicking of his turn signal sounded and he felt his tires turning beneath him, into the church parking lot. Josh cut the engine, un latched his seatbelt, and opened his door, trying desperately to breathe, as he stepped out of the car. His eyes were still painfully dry, and focused with concentration, he was not going to cry. He was a big boy, and a pre-med student, and dammit, death happens.

Inside, his heart skipped and sputtered. The Ice was getting colder.

The sun was almost completely hidden, as the minister read scripture after scripture from beside Grammy’s open grave, and Josh smirked, morbidly amused at the sun’s decision to hide--To let Josh really feel shrouded in the pain that weighted him down and held him motionless on the spot. He had finally won the battle, the sun had surrendered to the bitter cold of the occasion, and Josh couldn’t help but be smug.

As the church bells rang, and the casket was lowered, the slamming of a car door, and hasty footfall’s caught the attention of the little party of mourners. Every head turned to see rock star Drake Parker running full speed to the side of a dark, curly haired man, who until then, had been standing alone. Josh didn’t turn, didn’t make a move at all towards his stepbrother. He didn’t want too. He knew Drake could melt away the glacier around his heart, and all he really wanted was to let it take him away. To feel the cold caress away his life, and sweep him away with Grammy. Josh wanted to climb into the grave after her, and sleep too. He wanted to never wake up, and no matter how loud the world screamed, he wouldn’t come back to them.

“Josh.” The ice shuddered with the vibrato of Drakes angel voice, and Josh forced his eyes to Cross the shorter boys. He didn’t say a word. He had nothing left to say. Just a cold, and unfeeling deep-freeze that was threatening to suffocate him. With a pang of remorse, he realized the sun hadn’t surrendered, not at all. It had just decided to use Drake as its super weapon. Josh ground his teeth together with alarming force. He knew now the sun would win.

“Joshie, c’mon. Why didn’t you tell me? Walter said you’d made him promise I wouldn’t know.” Drake snaked his arms around him, and Josh just blinked. The Ice cracked.

“Don’t. Drake, dammit, don’t.” his voice leaked weariness, it was dry and cracked from days of under use, but it still worked, and that was a thought Josh couldn’t handle. He shoved Drake away, walking fiercely through the dry, leaf strewn October grass. Tears stung at the back of his eyelids, and he blinked hard, keeping them at bay. Behind him, he could hear Drake’s patient pursuit, feel the eyes of the mourning crowd boring into their backs- hot and pointed with curiosity.

Just as josh reached the very limits of the graveyard on the eastern side, Drake caught his hand and spun him around, the ice around Josh’s organs making him dizzy from the sudden weighted disorientation. Josh felt as if he may puke, but he dejectedly left his large paw in his brothers tiny one. Again, the ice shuddered, harder this time. It wouldn’t be long now, and it would shatter entirely under his step-brother‘s stare. Damn the sun for having Drake on its side.

“Josh.” It was softer now, a beckoning, barely above a whisper, and suddenly Josh wanted nothing more than to fall into Drake. Resign to him completely, wholly and wonderfully, but as his feet was about to leave that ledge, a swift gust of artic wind shot through him, freezing him hard again, right where he stood, dangling. He would not fall apart dammit, he wouldn’t. Josh Refused. His reply was icy, given through gritted teeth.

“No Drake. No. Leave me alone. Walter should have just kept his fucking mouth shut, and we would all be better off.”

The ice was impenetrable steel.

“I know you miss her Josh.”, Drake Probed, and Josh subtly shuddered. “I know you want her back. Hell, you probably fucking want to go with her. You want that ice you’ve frozen yourself in to take you away. I know. I felt that too, when my father left us. But you can’t do this to yourself, buddy, c’mon.” Drake held him close now, Josh hard and unmoving against him. Josh felt the ice crack again, just a tiny sliver of the way, but the sound it made was like a thousand deaths, a jackhammer on his eardrums. Deafening, Dangerous, and Scary.

Tears once again pricked at the back of Josh’s eyelids, hard and unrelenting, and Drake was humming in his ear, something reminiscent of a lullaby. Out of the corner if his eye, Josh caught a final glace of the funeral spread as it made its descent into the ground, and with a fierce jerk, Josh found himself out of Drake’s arms, and out of his reach. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, his eyes alight with a strange determined, yet pained fire. The ice, though melting, held strong for the time being, and Josh was grateful for its cold caress.

“Josh, why are you doing this? Its okay. Crying wont kill you, dude.” Drakes voice was gentle, a soothing melodic guitar rift unto the wind. He took a step closer, the ice around Josh’s heart shifting, and he felt as if he may topple over with grief.

Josh’s voice was flat, unfeeling, and his eyes were focused on something far away as he replied. “Big boys don’t cry Drake. Death happens, and im pre-med what better time to practice detachment than now?”

“It’s your Grammy Josh, not just some random patient in a cold, florescent basked hospital. It’s not the same, and you know it. She wouldn’t want this Josh. I don’t want this for you.” Drake’s voice cracked with his last words, and Josh bit his lip hard against the wave of emotion it caused.

.Drip. More melting of his protective cocoon. Damn sun. Damn Drake. Damn everything. Drake took another hesitant step closer, his hands reaching out to curl around Josh once more. This time Josh leaned into him, taking the biggest breath he’d taken in days, a rush of air so potent and painful, that it made his stomach clench with disgust. With a deafening roar, the ice crumbled, in perfect harmony with Josh’s ragged sobs. The world continued to watch on, as rock star Drake Parker leaned down, and kissed away Josh Nichols’ tears, listened as he soothed Josh with a lullaby, and lingering assurances of his love.

The ice was gone, and from somewhere far above, thunder crashed. Josh looked up as the rain started to fall, wrapping the boys in a gentle, yet cold shroud, and Josh couldn’t help but smile. Damned sun.