Something in the Water

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Chapter 1: Called Into Question

Disclaimer: I don’t own FMA

AN: Birthday fic for Ru Doragon. Keep in mind that this is a lemon comedy fic. In addition, the humor is a tad bit perverted. Think of the humor along the lines of crossing the 80’s comedy Porky’s, with Sex in the City and American Pie. If you can’t take joke, especially sexual ones, then read no further. This chapter is as extreme as the sexual jokes will get. The rest of the fic contains odd fluff, odd situations, descriptions, and all around odd behavior.

WARNING: Sexual Humor, Lemon’s and Lime will be marked for people who want to avoid them. Oh and I am aware that Paris Hilton doesn’t exist in the FMA world but the joke was too good to pass up. . .

I find it strange. . . People are oddly in character yet at the same time not. . . You will see what I mean.

Called Into Question

(Read the AN's Before You Read)

The more Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye listened to the men talking the more she had a desire to train them in a similar fashion that she trained Hayate during potty training. However, the last thing she needed on her record was a reprimand for shooting at her superior and subordinates. Sure, they were finished with their paperwork, but did they really have to converse about this particular topic? It was rather inappropriate when there was a lady present. Of course, none of the men considered her a lady so it didn't matter.

--

"Are you kidding? A woman loves that!" Havoc said.

"And you know that how? You can't keep a woman for more than three days," Breda said.

"Women like when men play with their breasts during foreplay. It's so obvious! That is what they are there for!" Havoc said.

A strange look appeared on everyone's faces at Havoc's words. Riza's eyebrow twitched and a vein that was barely visible popped up on the right side of her forehead.

"Second Lieutenant Havoc. I assure you that is not what a woman's breasts are for!"

"Oh?" Havoc said. This caused every man in the room to sweat drop. Surely, Havoc wasn't that damn stupid. Surely he knew both the purpose of a woman's breast and the fact that he should not piss Riza off.

"They are to suckle their young Havoc. That is their true purpose."

"Maybe so but they get the young by the sex. The older suck during foreplay so breast sucking is passed down. Generation by generation. It's a beautiful cycle!"

"You Jean Havoc are a filthy pervert," Riza said. She couldn't believe those words came from her mouth but she had to tell the truth.

"Aww come on Lieutenant, you can't tell us you don't like for a man to. . ."

"Havoc! My preferences of foreplay do not concern you or anyone else in this room!"

"But you entered the conversation," he said.

"Yes, to shut you up since the General doesn't seem to care," she said.

"I am actually finding this quite interesting," Roy said. "I prefer staying below the waist myself though. I find that is where I seem to be the most gifted."

Riza paled at his words then yelled at herself for wondering just how gifted Roy was down there. She wanted to question it, hell she wanted to find out first hand, but instead she asked, "Am I really working with you people?"

"Surely you've heard worse talk than this?" Roy questioned.

"Of course but on a battlefield setting. Not in an office setting."

"So, Lieutenant what are your preferences?" Havoc questioned. All the men turned to her and her cheeks turned red. Her preferences included the General sitting at his desk, and whatever he wanted to do to her. Of course, she couldn't speak that.

"Like I said, it's none of your concern," she said and picked up her book and began reading. All the men withheld a laugh.

"Aw, come on Lieutenant, you are one of the boys after all. What kind of woman do you like?" Roy joked. He knew Riza wasn't gay but he just couldn't resist.

She glared up at him. "While I have nothing against same sex relationships, SIR" she said, adding extra emphasis on the sir. "I am a heterosexual woman and insist on being recognized as such."

Roy chuckled. "It was a joke. Lighten up, I am sure you've had lots and lots and lots of men," Roy said jokingly again.

Riza put down her book. "Not lots but my fair share."

Roy was surprised at her words. He didn't think Riza had time for a personal life. He didn't like the idea of men doing that to her.

"Why? You jealous?" she asked.

Roy smirked to hide the fact that he was indeed jealous. "Why would I be jealous? I can get any woman I want," he bragged.

"The drag queens down on Maple View Corner don't count as women sir," she retorted.

Roy started to get a bit pissed but the others were thoroughly entertained with the verbal spar. "Bet they have more and much better skills than you!" he said and the men turned their head toward Riza to see what kind of words she would use to retort.

"You couldn't handle the skills I have!" Riza snapped. She no longer cared about the inappropriateness of the conversation, nor did she really realize what she just spoke.

"Oh really? Well, I have some tips for you Lieutenant, for a blowjob you don't actually blow. Oh, and men are good liars."

"I have some tips for you General. Penis pumps don't work and I am sure all of the women in your sexual experiences were good liars as well," she said. She then took out a box of bullets from her desk.

"Pity you'll never find out," he snapped.

"Same for you," she retorted. "Now I have to go to the range to get my practice in. Permission to leave sir?"

"Yes," Roy said, in almost a sulking tone. She turned and went to the door. As he watched her, his anger gathered momentum bit by bit. "Why don't you show Jacob down at the range your "skills" as you put it?"

Riza turned and smirked. "Who says I haven't?" She hadn't really but she was sure that would get Roy's goat. She then left the room, leaving a bunch of shocked faces behind.

"That went well for you chief," Havoc said.

Roy glared at him. "If you ever bring up a conversation like this in the office again I will turn you into a human torch."

"You are the one that got carried away."

Roy sighed. He hated to admit it but Havoc was right. After getting back from the northern outpost and being reinstated as a general his relationship with Hawkeye went from very close to almost cold. This little word spar today was the icing on the cake.

"How in the hell do I apologize for something like that?"

"How about, I am sorry I doubted your fellatio skills and would like to possibly confirm your skills in said area?" Breda joked.

Roy's glare at him effectively shut him up.

--

"Riza? Are you all right?" Rebecca asked. She and Jacob were watching her shoot the targets. They could tell by her posture and where the shots were going that she wasn't in a good mood.

"Mustang do something to tick you off?" Jacob questioned.

"Yes," she answered and fired off more rounds.

"Are you going to tell us what he said?" Rebecca questioned.

Riza merely mumbled, lowered her gun, placed it on the table, and pressed the button that brought the target to her. Jacob cringed at the hits on it. All the shots were targeted right in the groin area. She took it off the clip, wadded it up, and threw it in the growing pile. After putting up a fresh target and sending it out, Riza reloaded her gun and fired once more.

After firing all her bullets, she clicked on the safety and put the gun back on the table.

"Riza what did he do?" Rebecca questioned.

"He. . ."

"Yes?" Jacob encouraged her to finish.

"HE SAID I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE A GOOD BLOWJOB!" she screamed, causing Rebecca and Jacob to fall over in shock. Luckily, for her reputation, no one else was in the range at that time.

"Can't say I was expecting that," Jacob said.

Jacob and Rebecca stood up. "How in the hell did you get into that sort of conversation?" she asked.

Riza sent yet another target back out, loaded the gun and fired several more shots at the crotch area of the human outline. "He'll never know, the bastard will never find out!" Riza muttered not answering her friend's question.

Rebecca quirked an eyebrow at her. "And you will forget about being in love with him as well I suppose?" she questioned.

Riza cringed at that question. Of course, any idiot could infer that she was in love with Roy Mustang but she'd actually voiced her affections for him to Rebecca and Jacob.

"Poor guy," Jacob said.

Riza sighed. "Oh by the way Jacob if he asked. . ."

"You swabbed my talleywacker."

"Yeah," she said, not embarrassed in the least talking with him like that.

"Got ya," he said.

"So you are saying that you will never dance the horizontal tango with the general?"

Riza holstered her gun and shook her head. "I never will!"

"Yaaaaa huh," Jacob and Rebecca said at the same time.

"It's true, I refuse!"

"Riza, I am about to be completely blunt with you."

"All right," she said.

"If Roy Mustang were to make a move on you then you would be on your back easier than Paris Hilton at a rock concert."

"Rebecca, never compare me to Paris Hilton ever again," she said, sending a cold glare in the woman's direction. Rebecca merely grinned.

"Let's go grab some coffee," Riza said. "Before we have to get back to work." Riza then proceeded to walk off.

"How long do you think it will be before Riza and the general will be in tongue knots?" Jacob questioned.

"A two days at the very least," she said.

"I agree," he said and the two followed her.

--

Maria Ross laughed at what Rebecca and Jacob told her as Riza just growled. To anyone other than friends it would look like the Lieutenant was being her normal self.

"Oh come on, you have got to be kidding? Did they really? Did you really?" Maria asked Riza, chuckling loudly.

"It's not that funny," Riza said.

"Yes it is!"

"The best part is that Riza said she's never going to let the general find out!" Jacob said.

This caused Maria to laugh loudly. "If the general ever makes a sexual advance toward you, you'd be flat on your back quicker than Paris Hilton after a night of drinking."

Riza glared at Maria menacingly. "What is it with all of you and Paris Hilton? Don't compare me to her. I am warning you all for the last time. Besides, are you implying that I am easy?" Riza questioned taking a drink of her coffee.

"Toward the public domain of men, no, to the general . . . well you would be easy," Maria said, pouring some cream in her coffee then taking a sip.

"Of course it's the same if we reverse the roles," Rebecca stated. "If you made a play for the general he would be on top of you faster than. . .

"Can you all please stop it with the metaphors already?" Riza questioned.

"Fine but you understand our point right?" Rebecca questioned.

"What point would that be?" Denny asked, sitting down beside Maria.

"Oh, how Riza vowed never to run the flatback marathon with Mustang," Maria said casually, causing Riza to nearly get choked on the cream puff she was eating.

"Oh, fat chance of her keeping that one," Denny said.

Riza took a sip of her coffee and coughed to clear her throat. "Where are you all getting those names?"

"Names?" Jacob asked.

"Swabbing the talleywhacker, horizontal tango, flatback marathon. . ." Riza started naming off before Jacob interrupted her with more.

"Tongue knots, beating the meat, swinging the bat, coming on home, filling the taco, pelvic aerobics, beating the turtle. . ." he said.

"Okay, that's enough."

"Those are average everyday terms Lieutenant," Denny said.

Riza's eyebrow twitched. "Swabbing the talleywhacker is an everyday term?"

"Depends on how much you enjoy it I guess," Denny said with a shrug and a joking smile on his lips.

"I walked right into that one didn't I?" Riza asked.

"Yes," Denny said.

Riza stood. "I am going back to the office before your perverted minds corrupt mine."

"We are sure you'd like General Mustang to corrupt more than your mind, right?" Rebecca teased.

Riza scowled. "I'm leaving now," she said and walked away, leaving laughing friends behind.

--

Riza muttered to herself as she made her way back to the office. Did her friends really doubt that she couldn't keep her hands, or mouth, to herself? Riza stopped in the hall and made a face at the dirty connotation that thought could be taken as. "I think I am getting worse than them," she muttered. "I mean really though, how could they think that I wouldn't have the will power to keep from touching the General? I mean other than that killer body and that thick black hair and those dark sexy eyes I have no interest at all. . . Do I?" Riza decided to make a slight detour to the women's locker room to take a cool shower.

--

When Riza returned to the office, none of the men would look at her and each of them was working very diligently on their paperwork. She laughed inwardly. If bringing up sexual skills got them to work like this all the time then maybe she would bring hers up more often. Then she gave herself a metal knock in the head for thinking of such a crude idea.

She walked over to her desk and took a seat beginning her own pile of newly distributed paper work. For the longest time, all that could be heard around the office was the scratching of pencils and pens on paper. She suddenly felt eyes on her and glanced up to see Roy staring at her. He had this pitiful yet intrigued look on his face. When her gaze met his, he quickly looked back down at his work.

She looked back down at her own work and smiled inwardly at his actions. It was really something when Roy Mustang was obviously curious about her "skills.” She felt a gaze upon her once again and looked up. Yet again Roy looked back down at his paperwork. She felt more eyes on her and looked toward the other men who instantly looked down.

"If you don't mind, please stop staring at me. Do I have cream on my face or something?" This comment caused dirty minded Havoc to choke on the smoke from his cigarette. "Are you all right lieutenant Havo …" She trailed off when she realized exactly what caused him to choke in the first place.

"I should shove the rest of your cigarettes down your throat," she growled. "I was eating a pastry full of cream at lunch!

This caused the men to giggle. "That's a new name for it," Roy couldn't help but joke. He then mentally kicked himself in the balls. Was he a glutton for punishment or something? Then again, it would probably be really hot to have Riza "punish" him.

"I enjoyed that pastry more that I would enjoy any kind of . . . baked goods you would provide."

Everyone blinked as Riza went back to working on her paperwork. Baked goods? That was a rather odd term to use.

"Well you must know that I can bake my goods with the better of them!" Roy said.

"I don't want to hear about you sticking your pecker in an oven sir. What you do to get off is no concern of mine."

"I do not stick my baked goods in an oven Lieutenant," Roy said.

"Must stay all doughy and flimsy then, Sir," she retorted.

Mustang was at a loss for words after that line. He didn't know his lieutenant was so good at verbal sparring, especially sparring relating to a sexual nature.

"No comeback chief?"

"Shut up Havoc," both Roy and Riza snapped.

AN: More coming soon! Please drop a review my way if you wish. They are appreciated.