|The Dof and His Friends NER!
Author: inky octopus PM
Noodle comes back with a pain, and Russel gives her the number of a doctor. But who could have guessed the doctor was THE DOF, king of studio one and scotland, only to meet up with a STRANGE POLICEMAN. funnier at the time. originated as a sw & me msn talkRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,962 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 3 - Published: 09-04-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4519078
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
OK, this is actually based on a conversation Sw and me had yesterday (Sw is the guy who helped with my Teletubbies one) and was actually the Dof, a policeman and her, but I've altered it to fit in with the Gorillaz.
Really hope you don't mind.
Virtually all the dialogue is quoted directly from the conversation, I just added narrative parts so it makes sense.
I don't own the Gorillaz, and I don't really own this story, it really belongs to Sw. But I guess I annotated it and put it into a story, so I sort of do.
'Good day, Noodle,' Russel greeted the girl as he saw in the corridor.
'Oh! Good day, Russel.'
'How are you?' he asked kindly.
'Well, I just got back from The Pits …' she answered. (1)
'Oh, really?!' Russel was genuinely surprised, she must be brave to enter the hell hole off the car park. He smiled at her courage and listened intently as she spoke.
'Yeah. It was good, but now I've got a pain … down 'there'.'
Russel's smile slipped rapidly off his face and his milky eyes widened.
He spoke quietly. 'Did I really want to know that?'
She grinned openly. 'Probably not.'
He was eager to change the subject, but he cared a lot for her and wanted to make sure she was OK. 'Well, maybe you should see a doctor?'
Noodle put a finger to her lips as he spoke. 'Hmm, maybe I should. Do you know any good ones?'
'Well … There is a good doctor. He goes by the name of … the DOF.'
Noodle's expression changed to one of happiness as she clapped her hands excitedly.
'Oooh, really? I'll go see him right away!'
Noodle had picked up the number of the 'Dof' and was waiting by his office's door in the surgery. She knew he must be pretty good because he was the one who'd redone Russel's stitches, and was quite excited to meet him. (2) However, she was quite confused when she saw a maniac man in about his late forties open the door. He seemed like a batty guy, with short, greying hair, a beer belly and a white and brown – checked shirt. He had on glasses and a yellow pencil behind his ear, but the weird thing was, he was wearing a kilt. He also had a very loud, booming voice and strong Scottish accent. (3)
She was quite scared.
'HALLO!' he boomed at her.
Noodle recoiled at the sound.
'Right … anyway …'
He nodded crazily.
'Ummm ... uh ... uh ... Well, I've kinda ... got a pain...' She started.
'WAAAR?!' He yelled at her.
'Umm … Well …'
'It's …' Noodle felt very uncomfortable around this man but the pain was agonizing and she decided it best to get this over with and vow to never see him again.
'Well … It's down … down 'there'.' She mumbled, flushing bright as a tomato.
'GUT GUT GUT GUT GUT GUT!' He shouted, rubbing his hands together.
Noodle actually took a step back, she was tempted to turn on her heel and wash her hands of this madness.
'NOW, I'D LEK YOU TEE POLL DEWN YOUR PUNTIES, PLEASE!' He announced, his voice heard easily in the waiting room. Noodle cringed more, if possible. Her eyes widened.
'Uuuh … Excuse me?'
'YER PENTIES! POLL 'EM DEWN!'
'Uuuh …' Noodle grimaced, but bit the bullet and did it. 'Ok …' she said uneasily.
'WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!' the Dof said loudly, Noodle standing, pants and jeans around her ankles, blushing almost purple.
He was obviously staring, and Noodle felt embarrassed and undignified, so she pointedly slipped up her pants and jeans and mumbled:
'Anyway … So is it anything bad?'
He looked her full in the face and grinned even more widely. His face was very close to hers. She was nearly cross – eyed.
'NO NO NO NO NO NO! EVERYTHIN' IS JUST … FIIIINE!'
Noodle repressed a sigh of relief. 'Right … So I can go now?'
She was lozzocking around in her room, strumming her guitar, when the strange feeling of someone following her was revealed. Noodle sighed and put down her guitar, looking around the room. Suddenly her bedroom door opened, and there stood …
'The DOF?!' Noodle thought angrily.
'Why are you following me?' she demanded immediately. Instead he just smiled again and bellowed at her, making her lean back with irritation.
'I'M NAWT FOLLOWIN' YER!' he argued, but looking around the room all the same.
Noodle stood up from her bean bag. 'Yes, you are …'
'NER I'M NEWT!' he protested, now sidling into the room and walking around, picking up things and looking at them and then putting them down in the wrong place, becoming friendly with the room. Noodle watched him, fuming, from her spot in the corner as she opened her mouth to speak.
'Please leave me alone …' She pleaded, pouting for extra sympathy. Instead he carried on flicking through her boxes of bobbles, hair grips and combs.
She folded her arms over her chest and sighed.
Soon he was scooting across the room and sat on her bed, bouncing up and down on it, as if to see how springy or comfy it was. Noodle had to crank up her jaw from the floor before she angrily burst out:
'Wait! What the hell are you doing on my bed?!'
He didn't look up to her, just kept up a gentle rhythm of bounces as he answered:
'MEEKIN' IT COMFEE.'
'For what?!' Noodle asked, frightened.
'NERTHIN' IMPERTICULAAR!' he boomed back.
'Please, just get out!' Noodle screamed, stamping her foot.
He was now pulling off his shoes.
'Oh my –' Noodle whispered.
'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW?!' she yelled, as loud as possible, as he unbuttoned his shirt.
'Don't get undressed in here!' She paused. 'In fact, don't get undressed at all!' She was aggressively gesticulating towards his crazy kilt, lying crumpled on the floor.
Instead he just looked at her, insanely grinning that insane grin.
'GET OUT! Get out get out get out get out get out!' Noodle shouted, flushed red, pointing at the door.
Noodle started shrieking frustratedly in Japanese, but there was one English word he caught at the end.
' … mother fucker!'
He gave a mocking gasp as she finished her rant.
'Tewt, tewt, tewt, SECH BED language for a WEE LIL' GIRRL.'
At this point Noodle had got over the trauma of having a demented naked man on her bed that she screamed loudly with utmost frustration.
'I'm only EIGHTEEN years old!' she cried.
He stared at her blankly.
'And what are you? Like … forty?! Fifty?!'
'AGE DEN'T MA'ER.'
'PERVERT!' she bellowed before she began calling:
'Russel! Police! Help. Please?'
She put her head in her hands, blocking out the image of a tall policeman in his late twenties walk into her room. The Dof waved manically at him, the policeman ignored him. His deep voice surprised Noodle and she looked up with a jump.
''Ello, 'ello. 'ello,' he said, coming into the room.
Noodle knew it was weird that a policeman she'd never seen before had just arrived in her bedroom on cue, but her need to get rid of this crazy man was overwhelming her other thoughts. She stepped forward a bit before speaking quickly to him.
'Yeah … hi … get this bastard pervert out of my God damn room!' she pleaded.
There was a pause in which the policeman observed the Dof blankly, Noodle watched the policeman and the Dof stared strangely at the pair. Then he broke the silence.
' … Ner.'
Noodle nearly sighed.
'WHY?!' she shot back, loud as him.
'What? What are you doing?!' This time she was yelling at the policeman.
'AAAH!' Noodle screamed.
'Help! There are two naked men in my room!'
The 'two naked men' were sitting next to each other, perched on the edge of Noodle's bed, watching her storm around the room, desperate to go but not to leave two strange naked men unaccompanied in her room. It was amusing to watch and the men observed with small smiles. Well, one did, the Dof kind of … grinned.
She looked back at the men helplessly, and came back into her room, slumping back on her bean bag, trying to ignore the men.
It was hard as the Dof was asking her a question.
'OOOH, DE YER THINK I'M SEXY?' he boomed.
Noodle looked up with a look of disgust on her face. The Dof was standing up, hands on hips, displaying his body for a good judgement.
Before she could say anything else, the policeman had stood up beside the Dof in a slightly different pose, on hand on hip, other hand wrapped round his back.
'How about me?' he kicked in eagerly.
Noodle tried not to cry with the craziness of it all. She couldn't believe this was the guy who had expertly redone Russel's stitches.
'Well …' she started sarcastically, but then actually did have a good look. Being in the police force must put you through some hard training, and he had a nice body.
'Maybe … just a little bit …' she answered truthfully, looking back down at the ground, regretting instantly what she said.
A howl came from the Dof.
'NOOOOO! ME WON END ENLY TRUE LURV … 'AS CHESEN' ENUTHER MAN!'
'Oh, get a hold of yourself,' Noodle retorted, going back to stick her head out the door to see if anyone was coming yet.
Nope. No one. Not a single soul.
She trudged back into the room.
'Anyway, this guy's much younger than you …' she said, as the Dof was now looking distraught, sitting back on the bed. The policeman was patting him on the shoulder, but smirking with pride of being chosen.
'Wait …' Noodle said, thinking.
'What's your name?'
'My name?' asked the policeman. 'Why, it's Charles Albert Pollop Drew Terry Worthington of Newbury, Stockport the Third (encounting)!' (4)
Noodle stared, wide – eyed at him, hoping this was all some crazy dream, inspired by 2D's zombie movies and Murdoc's spell books.
' … I'll just call you Jerry, then.'
'SOWB SOWB SOWB!' Dof called from the bed, attracting attention to himself by shouting out 'sob'.
'Get out, please,' Noodle asked quietly, one hand to her forehead, other holding open the door.
' … NER!'
'Please. Jerry and I have some private matters to 'attend' to.'
Suddenly a loud banging was heard – BANG BANG BANG!
'What? I only went 'bang' …'
Hope you liked it, if you read all the dialogue, not the narrative, you get almost exactly what was the original. I'm only doing this for the sake of doing it – I'm bored. Going to bed now. (:
PS. I only made this Gorillaz because this is a Dof and Sw story and there isn't a section on that, so the narrative I've added is Gorillaz. Most people who like my stories like Gorillaz. Not entirely sure what that's got to do with anything, but hey! it obviously does … IT'S ME, FIZ!
(1) The Pits. Another MSN conversation with Sw and me. She said she'd just got back from the Pits of Hull, otherwise known as the Pits of Hell. ROFL.
(2) Mild reference to 'Secrets', one of my more tragic stories. But 2D is alive in this!
(3) Exact description of the real Dof. Only he doesn't have a loud voice, kilt or Scottish accent.
(4) Pollop is a word Sw invented, she sewed it into this guy's name somehow. :D