Golden Sun Exposed... on the Jerry Springer show

So, I wanted to do a parody of Jerry Springer since I've seen it done a few times. However, I've never watched an episode of Jerry Springer because it doesn't air where I live. So it's hardly an accurate representation of a real episode of Jerry Springer. My apologies.

I already entered this in a contest a long while back and decided to put it up on this site as well.

Camelot owns Golden Sun and obviously I have nothing to do with Jerry Springer who is... a real person with a bizarre talkshow.

Jerry Springer reclined on his Barcalounger, fully prepared to bring in more money with yet another one of those talk show episodes. It was fun to make money off scandals and gossip. Who needed soap operas when real life was crazy enough? The audience was jampacked with people who had paid to come sit in the studio and even more people would be watching it live.

Today was special. Jerry didn't quite understand it, but a floating rock with an eye had appeared to him a few days ago, telling him things and asking nicely for a special show in which his friends could be on. Apparently they had scandalous secrets and stuff. Scandalous secrets were practically sustenance for his life force, so of course he had graciously accepted the offer.

The odd thing was, he wasn't quite sure where these people came from. The Wise One had told him that they were coming from a place named Weyard. Even Googling Weyard had simply brought up information on some Nintendo game for the Gameboy Advance. Some RPG named Golden Sun. He hadn't bothered looking in further and given up.

Then strangely enough, last night, the rock had appeared again and given him a little more information so that he could properly present his show and introduce them. Apparently they were characters from the game itself. How was that even possible? Oh, well, at least he was getting money. It could ease his woes and he wouldn't have to worry about why talking rocks with eyeballs were speaking to him.

The show was about to begin. Jerry got off the Barcalounger and went to sit on a very comfy looking armchair. He flashed a cheesy grin at the camera as some random tune played. The show had well and truly begun and now people could feast on the shocking scandals he was about to present with his special guests from another... world? Country? Whatever it was.

"Good morning!" Jerry exclaimed. "You are watching the Jerry Springer show! Today, I will be presenting special guests from... wait for it, a video game! Can you believe it?"

The audience went quiet and stared at each other. Whispered mutterings floated up from the crowd as people speculated that Jerry was on crack or that he had finally gone insane from listening to various scandalous secrets. Perhaps that last special on the person who was his own grandfather and the extraterrestrial married to a horse had broken his brain.

"They are coming all the way from an RPG for the Gameboy Advance, Golden Sun! Well, if what the floating eyeball told me was true," Jerry said, chuckling. "Now, let's prepare to spill the shocking secrets of these wayward teens."

The audience was still staring. A floating rock with an eye? He really was crazy, wasn't he? As they continued to stare and wonder where he was hiding the crack, Jerry announced the first guests to come onto the stage and Isaac and Mia walked on.

"My Boyfriend is a Mute"

"Welcome, Isaac and Mia, isn't it?" Jerry said as Isaac and Mia sat on the couch opposite him. "It's very nice to meet you both. Now won't you tell us a little about yourselves to get the show started?"

"It's nice to meet you," Mia said graciously, smiling as she looked around in excitement. "My name is Mia and I come from a snowy town called Imil, where I am a member of the Mercury Clan. It was our duty to watch the Mercury Lighthouse. I'm a healer foremost and I'm sure everybody appreciates having me on the team."

Isaac just stared blankly at Jerry, then upon realising that the question he had been asked could be answered yes or no, he promptly shook his head. Jerry frowned slightly at him and Mia let out a sigh.

"This is my boyfriend, Isaac. He was the leader of our party at first until we joined up with everyone else. He comes from a village named Vale and he's rather quiet as you can tell," Mia said. "In fact, Isaac cannot even talk at all. He speaks by shaking or nodding his head."

"I see," Jerry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "In fact, that is the very subject of this talk, isn't it? This is what you wished to speak about. Won't you clarify it to the audience?"

"Here it is," Mia said, drawing in a deep breath and turning to stare at a camera. "My boyfriend is a mute. I'm in love with someone who hasn't even spoken a word for an entire game. Wait, whatever happened to the second game?" She sat back, looking confused. Why was she complaining about something disproved in Golden Sun: The Lost Age? Oh, yes, for cheap humour.

"I see," Jerry said sympathetically, leaning back in the chair. "So, Isaac, does it ever bother you? Being unable to speak?"

Isaac shrugged and shook his head. He was used to it after all and could communicate quite well simply by moving his head.

"How do you feel about it, Mia?" Jerry asked, glancing at the blue-haired maiden. "Surely, having a boyfriend who doesn't talk, you must feel like you're missing something."

"I love Isaac," Mia said, sounding slightly defensive as she leaned against him. "He's sweet, caring, sensitive and he's always willing to listen to me when I want to talk about my problems. I have such a wonderful, understanding boyfriend and I wouldn't trade him in for anyone else."

"Isaac is lucky to have such a loyal and caring girlfriend," Jerry said, as Isaac happily nodded and smiled at Mia. "But, Mia, aren't there repercussions to your boyfriend not speaking to you? You can't even have a conversation."

"Well..." Mia awkwardly played with the hem of her dress, a pink tinge creeping across her cheeks. "I suppose that the sex can be kind of dull." Isaac stared at her, plainly aghast with her sudden honesty. "I just stopped talking during it because I was so tired of trying to make up for his silence."

"That's a shame," Jerry said, tutting and shaking his head. "I'm sorry to hear that. But do you ever want to, maybe, have a deep, meaningful conversation? What do you do then?"

"I suppose I have no choice but to confess," Mia said, biting her lower lip. Isaac's eyes widened. "Please don't hate me, Isaac, but... I talk to other people to compensate for the silence in our relationship!"

"That's it?" Jerry cried out. He had been expecting something far more shocking.

Mia closed her eyes and turned away. "I don't want to cheat on Isaac or anything. I just want to have what I'm missing, because to be honest, it sucks to have a boyfriend who never says a single word."

Isaac sat back and silently cried. He did everything silently.

"Please forgive me, Isaac!" Mia latched onto his arm and looked at him tearfully. "Sometimes I just want to have a noisy argument or to have a fun conversation. I wish you could talk."

"I can't talk," Isaac said, startling every single person in the studio. "Because if I do, I sound like a pompous know-it-all jerk of a leader and my personality is much better when I do not talk."

"What?" Jerry cried out incredulously. He looked accusingly at Mia. "You said he was a mute!"

"I'm... just as surprised as you are," Mia said nervously, glancing at Isaac who was now looking very glum. "Honest."

"As I looked at the dying body of my father, whom I unknowingly helped kill, all I said was that I knew what I was doing when I raised my sword," Isaac said sadly. "Even when I am faced by two scary Mars Adepts, all I do is rudely ask them to get out of the way. My personality sucks."

"That is quite a shame, Isaac. I am sorry to hear that," Jerry said. "I suppose I can see why you choose not to talk."

"But, you know, I am totally an awesome leader!" Isaac said, punching the air with a fist. "I can do anything I want. I don't even need friends to help out! Why do you think that those people in the Alhafra Inn talking about Deadbeard only mention me? Why does Feizhi only credit me for saving Hsu or Ulmuch or whoever? It's simple! I did all the work! Garet? Ivan? Mia? Whoever the heck are they?"

Everyone was silent, staring in shock at Isaac as he proceeded to sound full of himself and laugh like some annoying jerk. Mia slowly drew out a mace from behind her back, grinding her teeth in annoyance.

"Everybody loves me and nobody else because I do all the work," Isaac continued. "I rock because I totally owned a two-headed dragon then a three-headed dragon. Yeah, I'm so awesome."

"Shut up, Isaac!" Mia thundered, slamming the mace into his head. Isaac fell to the floor in an unconscious heap. She glanced down at his body and giggled nervously. "Whoops. Hey, I think we should call an ambulance now."

"Yes," Jerry said weakly. "Please, get him out of here. Keep in mind I could get sued for falsehoods if anyone finds out. People want real stuff."

"Heh... sorry," Mia said, dragging Isaac off the stage as someone went to call an ambulance for the injured Venus Adept. A small pool of blood was left in front of the couch where it had come from his nasty wound.

"Well, that was interesting," Jerry said as he attempted to regain his composure. "Next up, we have a real confession of murder on live TV. Call the police? Who, me? No way! Now let's speak to this young man who took a life!"

Alex came striding onto the stage and sat down on the couch, ignoring the pool of blood as he calmly gazed around.

"I killed Lord Babi"

"Hello, Alex," Jerry said, smiling pleasantly at him. "Care to introduce yourself? It really is an honour to have a real murderer here."

"I only killed one person," Alex said, sounding slightly insulted. "I do not intend to kill any more people right now. Getting my hands dirty is not something I like to do. I prefer to have other people do stuff for me."

"Okay..." Jerry faltered, slightly taken aback. "But please do tell us a little about yourself."

"I am Alex and I come from a worthless little town called Imil," Alex said, sounding guarded. "I would rather not say much about myself. I am quite a secretive person, you see, and being an enigma is what I'm all about."

"Very well," Jerry said, placing his hands on his lap and smiling. "Now, please tell us about your confession. Whatever made you do it?"

"I killed Lord Babi," Alex said, suspenseful music playing in the background. "He was an old man who had been ruling Tolbi for many years and he wanted to live forever and discover the secrets of Alchemy. He and I had a lot in common."

"My goodness," Jerry said, looking shocked. "Live forever? Is that even possible?"

"Yes. In fact, that was also my goal," Alex said. "I suppose you could say he was a potential rival, but the foolish old man never even got close to discovering the true secrets of Alchemy, while I did."

"Very interesting," Jerry said. "Is that the reason why you killed him?"

"That's not the only thing," Alex said, lowering his head so that his long blue hair fell into his face. "Babi... he was my father."

"Really, now? But didn't you say you came from Imil? And he ruled Tolbi?" Jerry said, looking shocked. "It must have been a distant relationship."

"We had so much in common, it's not surprising a man like that is my father," Alex said, sounding slightly bitter. "The thing is... Babi never wanted to acknowledge his illegitimate son. He would rather pretend I didn't even exist."

A few cries of sympathy rose from the audience, but they were contested by people shouting he was a murderer anyway. Still, it wasn't hard to feel sorry for Alex as he crouched over on the sofa, looking unhappy.

"Years ago. he was travelling," Alex said. "He met my mother in Imil and things happened. He left before I was born. My mother told me about him though. Sadly, she passed away when I was young. Then I left Imil on a journey with people nearly a year ago. I visited Tolbi and I saw my father for the first time."

"What happened?" Jerry asked.

"He wouldn't even acknowledge me," Alex said sadly. "He said he had no son. I was rejected, left out in the cold. So I hired ninja to go off him and then reported his death to the group. That man was better off dead."

"I see... well, that will do," Jerry said, feeling slightly disturbed. "Thank you for coming on. Have a nice day."

"I just want to be loved," Alex wept, walking off the stage.