Outtakes

These were scenes I wrote up in the original version of the fic, but removed them due to the length. I've decided to add them as a kind of bonus chapter.

"I am a Lolita"

"So, Sheba, isn't it-" Jerry began.

"That's Lady Sheba to you," Sheba snapped, primly folding her hands in her lap. "I will not allow a mere Earthling to address me so informally."

"My apologies, iLady/i Sheba," Jerry said, curtseying awkwardly. "Please tell us a little about yourself."

"Very well," Sheba sniffed, raising her nose slightly. "I am a princess of Anemos, the city in the sky. People call it the moon. My parents, the King and Queen of Anemos, sent me down to Weyard as a child, praying I would not live as a commoner."

Jerry was quite unaware that Sheba was telling lies as he stared wide-eyed at her. Well, she wasn't exactly lying, she just didn't have a clue about her background. Still, he was amazed. A real princess, on his show! The ratings would go up for sure!

"I fell into the town of Lalivero and everybody cried tears of joy as they beheld the beautiful sight of the holy child who fell from the sky," Sheba said. "They took me in and raised me well, lavishing me with gold and riches. I was brought up well."

"Your parents must be pleased," Jerry said in rapture.

"That's the King and Queen to you!" Sheba snapped. "Even now, they are sitting on the moon, waiting for my return. One day, when I am older, I believe that I will return on a horse drawn carriage through the sky to my rightful parents. I will meet the rabbit on the moon who makes rice cakes and I will take my place as the Crown Princess."

"It must be hard being without your family," Jerry said sympathetically. "I do not wish to be rude, Princess, uh, Lady Sheba, but was there not something that you came here to speak about?"

"Very well," Sheba said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. "Excuse me. I have a confession to make. I am a lolita."

"A lolita, hm?" Jerry raised an eyebrow. "A young girl who pursues older men, correct? How old are you again?"

"I am fourteen years old," Sheba answered. "And yes, your definition is quite correct. I do, in fact, occasionally lust after men who are older than one would expect. Does that shock you?"

"I cannot even be shocked anymore," Jerry said matter-of-factly. "I'm used to it."

"Right," Sheba said, glancing around and swallowing. Lying sure was fun. She could do this all day if she wanted to. "It all started on the day I was escorted to Tolbi less than a year ago. Soldiers from Tolbi came to collect me with a white carriage drawn by twenty beautiful horses. The people of Lalivero cried and sobbed as they watched me be carried away and that day, they erected a statue and worshipped me as a saint in my absence."

"You were taken to Tolbi because...?" Jerry pressed.

"Babi, the Lord of Tolbi had requested I reside within his walls temporarily," Sheba answered grandly. "I accepted the request. While I stayed in Tolbi, Babi asked that the Laliverans built a lighthouse in my honour. He code-named it Babi Lighthouse, but truly the lighthouse was dedicated to me."

"My goodness..." Jerry blinked. He started to wonder if Sheba was making stuff up. Maybe he should play the games after all.

"I rarely saw Babi during my stay there," Sheba continued. "I was a busy person, with Tolbians begging to see me and have me perform miracles. Once I even fixed a broken leg with just the faintest of touches. They said I was a true miracle worker and begged me to stay so that I could cure their sicknesses and injuries."

Jerry frowned. The audience started muttering, rather unimpressed. It was now blatantly obvious Sheba was lying out of her ass and doing badly at it too.

"Babi, he was a rather weak and frail man," Sheba said. "Usually in bed. But once, I saw him out in the city, and then I was struck by the sight of him. His silvery hair flowing in the breeze, those wrinkles lining his skin, those gleaming eyes. I think that is the moment I became a lolita."

"Wow," Jerry said. "Anything else?"

"Well, I was soon escorted back to Lalivero after that so I did not get to see him again," Sheba said. "However, I ended up travelling with other people to save the world. If it wasn't for me, their quest would have been far more difficult, but I didn't come here to talk about that."

"Any older men in your group?" Jerry asked.

"Well, there's Piers," Sheba said. "He looks about my age but in actuality, he is far, far older. I didn't think much of him at first, but once I learned he could be much older than he looked, I began to find him more attractive. I wish he would notice me, but so far, no luck. How can he ignore me? I am a princess! The Crown Princess of Anemos!"

"Does he know that?" Jerry questioned.

"Ah, no. But isn't it obvious? Someone as grand and beautiful as me is obviously a true princess," Sheba said, looking haughty. "Felix isn't too bad either, but he's only four years older. In a few years, that isn't going to matter much."

"Eighteen and fourteen... I can see where it might be objectionable right now." Jerry nodded. "And the old man... Kraden, wasn't it?"

"Ah, you know," Sheba murmured, slowly shaking her head. "I don't think Kraden is really my type after all. I think he might be kind of hot, but he talks way too much. I get the shivers every time he starts talking and all I want is for him to shut his mouth. Sheesh."

"I see," Jerry said weakly, as the audience muttered even louder, some of them feeling quite disturbed. "Doesn't it bother you? You're so young and..."

"Love is love," Sheba announced defiantly. "Why should my age matter? If I want to go after hot and sexy older men, it's my choice. Good day to you, Mr Springer." She huffily got up and stormed off the stage.

"Scales turn me on"

"Ah, Felix, is it?" Jerry smiled pleasantly, despite the fact his teeth were chattering. Why couldn't he at least have had a longer break? "So, tell us why you are here."

"The Wise One forced me to come on," Felix muttered sulkily, gazing unhappily at the floor and wondering why there was a pool of blood there.

"Uh, of course..." Jerry muttered. He wished very much he could have seen what happened when the Wise One apparently appeared right onstage, but of course he had been frozen solid and by the time he thawed out, the pandemonium had died down. "So, what is your secret?"

Felix took a deep breath and looked up. "I get turned on by scales," he admitted, looking thoroughly ashamed. "Every time I see scales, I just get all excited."

Jerry blinked and shook his head, trying to fathom a love for scales. "So, you see anything with scales, you automatically have an attraction to it?" Felix nodded. "So, what started this?"

"Well, I spent three years in this place, Prox," Felix said. "And... I got to know the people there pretty well. They are rather different to the rest of us, they have bright red eyes, pointed ears... and of course, scales." He let out a rapturous sigh, apparently thinking of the scales.

"I see," Jerry said, once again disturbed by the thought of such people existing. He wasn't sure he ever wanted to see one either. "So you became attracted to these people with scaly skin?"

"Sort of. I wasn't exactly wanting to do everyone," Felix said awkwardly. "But Menardi and Karst... I just started thinking they were the hottest women I had ever seen in the whole of Weyard, and I realised it was because of the scales."

"You're definitely sure it was because of the scales?" Jerry inquired. Maybe he just liked people with pointy ears. That was at least something logical he could get his head around, what with those movies with those elves in.

"Uh huh. I'm sure of it because..." Felix broke off and swallowed, feeling quite awkward. He'd never spoken about this to anyone before, because, well, it was just downright embarrassing! "I started looking at anything with scales differently. Lizards, even. And... I even thought the Doom Dragon was hotter than the Fusion Dragon!" He put his face in his hands in sheer embarrassment.

Jerry blinked and sat back, feeling rather surprised. There were even real dragons where they came from? Oh, wait, he was supposed to be focusing on the scales. "Oh, I see. You really do have a scale fetish."

"It's kind of a problem," Felix said glumly. "I'm afraid if I see some scary reptilian, like, a crocodile, I won't even be able to fight it because I'll be too busy staring at its scales. This could be rather dangerous."

"Maybe you should get some therapy," Jerry said thickly. "I'm trying to sound as nice as possible here, but this is just not normal. Oh, wait, my show's not even normal. Never mind then."

"I just love scales," Felix sighed, looking absolutely piteous as he thought again of scales. "So beautiful and shiny, cold and hard to the touch. I have to stay away from lizards, especially giant, dangerous ones because of this."

"Yes, quite," Jerry said, feeling thoroughly fazed. "Anyway, I think I would like to see the next guest now. This is just getting a little too disturbing for me. Goodbye."

"Everybody shuns me!" Felix wailed, bursting into tears. "I can't help liking scales!" He ran off the stage, still crying bitterly.

Jerry just waited patiently until the next guest, Ivan, came walking onto the stage and sat down.

"I am expecting"

"Hello, Mr Springer," Ivan said, nodding politely and smiling. "Thank you for having me on the show."

"So, Ivan, right?" Jerry folded his hands in his lap and frowned. "So, I'm a little confused, but apparently you're here because you are expecting a baby in a few months."

"That is correct," Ivan said, sitting back and smirking. He glanced at the audience, who were silent and staring. "So, I suppose I'm here to talk about my soon to be born child, though I don't get it."

"I don't get it either!" Jerry exploded, startling Ivan. He couldn't see anything scandalous about it all, unless Ivan was about to announce that it was his cousin's baby or the mother to be was a monkey or something equally as absurd. "I'm sorry for yelling. Congratulations, by the way."

"Thank you, Mr Springer," Ivan said, recovering from the shock of being yelled at. "I am very excited about this. A new future with my own child."

"You know, you look a little young," Jerry said, frowning. Surely that wasn't it? Great, this was just a rehash of Sheba's lolita thing, wasn't it? Except with Ivan in Sheba's place. "How old are you?"

"I am fifteen," Ivan replied matter-of-factly. The audience shuddered slightly. "I know I'm a little young for things like this, but, this wasn't exactly planned either."

"My goodness," Jerry said, shaking his head. He wasn't sure he wanted to know how old the mother was. But was this really a big deal? There had to be some deep secret Ivan wasn't telling him. He needed to pry a little more. "So, please tell me about the mother."

"Mother?" Ivan repeated blankly, raising an eyebrow.

Jerry stared at him in exasperation. Was he seriously that dumb? Strange, he actually seemed pretty intelligent. "The girl who is carrying your child!"

"Oh no, Mr Springer," Ivan said, chuckling in amusement. "I'm afraid you misunderstand." He paused for dramatic effect. "I am the one who is pregnant."

Jerry stared at him, an eyebrow twitching. Then he looked closer and frowned. "I'm sorry, I thought you were... forgive me, with your name, I assumed you were a boy."

"I am a boy!" Ivan cried out, looking offended. "And I'm pregnant with a baby!" He raised his shirt, showing his swelling stomach. The camera immediately panned in. "See?"

The audience exploded, with screams and cries of disbelief. Jerry froze, eyes widening. If he looked close enough, he could even see Ivan's Adam's apple, so he sure wasn't pretending.

"But... but... how is it possible?" Jerry spluttered, shaking his head. "Then... who is the mother? There is a mother, right? Maybe you... had some weird experiment or..."

"There is no mother," Ivan said calmly. "Just the other father and I."

Well, that was just too much. Two men could hardly make a baby together. Jerry's head was throbbing intensely as he tried to get around this and the studio was quite noisy right now. "Who's the other man?"

"Garet," Ivan said. "He's very excited about this too. We don't know how it happened, but somehow I became pregnant. Even with the lack of an egg, not having an uterus... I have a baby inside me. Garet's baby and mine."

Jerry was about to faint at this point so he just thickly muttered, "Please. Leave."

"I know it's rather strange and difficult to understand, if not completely impossible," Ivan said, getting to his feet. "But it's real. Anyway, goodbye, Mr Springer." He suddenly put a hand over his mouth and ran off, looking like he was about to be sick.

It was a while before the cries died down and people came to terms with the fact they had just seen a pregnant boy, but eventually everyone was calm and Jerry felt ready to call the special guest. Yes, a special guest.