Title: Somewhere Between Right And Wrong
Author: darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairings: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau
Ratings: PG-13/15
Warnings: Mild language and sexual references.
Disclaimers: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff
Author's Notes: Done for the picture challenge on LJ, a little bit of a late submission because writers block sucks. Don't think it's too worthy of posting but as usual, I have a beta reader that kicks my ass into doing these things, because apparently she is the boss of my writing! Oh and my habit of naming CM fics after songs is seemingly still going strong!

Thank you: To SofiaLinday for doing her beta thing!

Somewhere Between Right And Wrong.

‘’Jayj, honey are you okay?’’

JJ let out a slow, almost silent breath upon hearing the sympathy in Garcia’s caring and concerned tone, not at all fading in the phone connection. Even stood outside of the bar, with the noise filtering out, she could hear her loud and clear. It stung slightly, because she didn’t want to be checked up on. Yet she did. And she valued having a friend like Garcia, that didn’t mind getting self pitying text messages late on a Friday night, who woke up specifically to call to talk. JJ knew that although it felt bad now, she wanted that.

‘’I’m fine, Garcia. I promise. Go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.’’

She replied smoothly, though anyone that could see her would be able to tell clearly that she wasn’t fine. She was heartbroken. Completely shattered after putting her feelings out there, for the first time in a long time. There was no hiding it. Especially with the smooth spill of alcohol that had taken hold of her already, making her slightly numb and slightly clear all at the same time. Making her thoughts drift in and out of the past and present, whispering to her to revert back to the form she had been taught. She wasn’t drunk. She wouldn’t be getting drunk, because she wouldn’t let herself right now. But she would be in that state, when you drank to sooth, just to take the edge off but always remained relatively sober. But when you became a warm, almost sleepy puppet to its strings.

As she disconnected the call and turned her phone off, a rare action on her part, she pretended that she never heard Garcia’s objections to being cut off. She knew her friend wanted to talk to her more, but right now, she didn’t want to talk. She wanted to dwell. She wanted to wallow. She wanted to brood and drawn her sorrows, like what had been ingrained in her. Yet she wanted to think nothing about the situation she had found herself in either. How could she have been so stupid? What the hell had taken over her?

Sighing as she ran a hand through her hair, JJ bit down on her bottom lip, swallowing the lump in her throat and blinking back the sting of tears. She refused to fall apart, but she felt so damn stupid. So humiliated. And she would have to buck up and walk into work Monday like it didn’t matter. Like she wasn’t completely crushed. Not only that, it had sent her head into a tailspin. Pushed her into becoming something she had tried to run from her entire life. She hadn’t always succeeded, like she didn’t think she would succeed this time.

‘’Get over it, Jareau.’’

She told herself, taking in a shaky breath to compose herself. After dragging in another one, JJ wiped the moist from her eyes, slipped her phone into her back pocket and ran both her hands through her hair, smoothing it out a little after being stood in the breeze.

You can’t run from it, just embrace it; it’ll be good for you.

She lied to herself, ignoring the truth behind that lie, the one she had lived through, saw for herself. Turning, she followed the refrain of music, the smell of smoke and liquor, the sound of muttering voices. Followed them through the doors of the unmarked club, into its dark little space. The air thick, heavy with heat and alcohol and smog. It felt good. It always felt good. This was one of her most favourite places in the world. Right here in D.C. The little blues bar that she had been coming to since she stumbled across it in her early Academy days.

The people were good people, the atmosphere welcoming and homely, the smoke surprisingly comforting, the drinks poured freely and the music soul piercing. It was her hide out. Her nirvana, her outlet. There was no pretense here, she could be herself. She could let go, forget the outside world. Forget the badge, the gun, the piles of folders stacked in her office. Hell she could forget the FBI as a whole. She could forget the unsubs, the smell of death and decomposition, the crying families, the cruelty and downright evil. She could forget Agent Jareau. This place took it all away from her.

But tonight she was looking to forget not one thing, but one person. One Emily Prentiss.

The danger was that being here, like this right now, gave her a better chance into turning into someone else. Into him, despite what she still felt for him.

Garcia, having tried JJ twice more, had decided to give her friend the space she so clearly wanted. If she needed her, she would call. Or as had happened before, she would turn up at her door. Her heart went out to her, because the quirky analyst knew what it was like to get turned down by someone you pretty much worshipped. And JJ did. She worshipped the ground Emily walked on, adored her to a fault.

She had eventually begun to drop off into slumber again, all the while thinking and worrying about her best friend. A woman she greatly respected, had urged to tell Emily how she felt about her. Told her to take the risk. She felt a pang of guilt about that now. But she had been sure, absolutely sure, that Emily had felt the same way. And she sure as hell had no idea that the dark brunette was seeing anyone else. Let alone a guy. A thought that made her mentally cringe for how JJ was taking that particular blow right now.

A loud and persistent knocking had roused her awake again, and she had practically leapt out of bed, yanking on her robe as she made her way to her door, hoping that JJ had re-thought spending tonight alone. Or rather, re-thought spending tonight technically alone, in the company of a stranger. However, as she glanced through the peephole, she suddenly found herself pissed off as she unlocked and opened the door.

‘’Is JJ here?’’

Came the immediate greeting, or more of a demand, from Emily. Garcia sighed, seeing the fraught in her other friends’ eyes. Damn her caring nature. She stepped aside, indicating for the older woman to enter, then closed the door again. Her planned night of sleep, sleep and more sleep was definitely not going to happen. But then, if she could do anything to resolve this situation between two of her most favourite ladies on earth, it would be worth the sacrifice.

‘’No, and she’s turned her phone off. I think she wants to be alone.’’

She replied, turning to see Emily pacing along the expanse of her floor. She was wound up, worried, the cogs in her eyes were turning quickly and Garcia wondered exactly what she was thinking. Especially as she nodded, indicating she knew already that JJ’s phone was off, licking over her lips as she ran a hand through her hair. Letting out a slow breathe, Emily turned to the smaller woman, giving her a look of pure desperation.

‘’Please, Garcia if you have any idea where she is…please tell me. I’ve already been to her house, I’ve left messages…I need to talk to her, explain…’’

She pleaded desperately, firmly though. There was a fire in her eyes, a determination even. Garcia frowned slightly, blinking as she stared at Emily, it was late and she had been asleep and she didn’t have her glasses on. But there was no mistaking the look in those dark brown eyes.

‘’You…you love her.’’

She whispered, slightly taken back. She had thought that Emily liked JJ, but he could see clearly now that it went much, much deeper than that. Which just lent to a rather confusing situation all around.

‘’Yes, I do. But I had no idea she had feelings for me. Otherwise I would never have…it didn’t mean anything; he’s just a guy I know. She needs to know…she left before I even had chance to explain.’’

Emily could not believe the turn of events. If she had had any idea that JJ returned even half of what she felt, she wouldn’t have hesitated in asking her out a long time ago. But seemingly, the girl knew how to play her cards very close to her chest. Tonight had been a disaster. It was Friday night, she’d been at a loose end and when James had called she had accepted his invitation to dinner. Of course she knew where it would end up. It ended up right where it always did, in bed. But that was okay, because they both knew where they stood. They were both single and consenting; they were both filling a need. They were both in love with someone they couldn’t have. Emily wanted nothing more than to take it back, because the look on JJ’s face when she realized what was going on was excruciating. And it made Emily feel like she should never have sought anything from anyone else.

‘’Em, calm down. I know where she is.’’

Garcia held out a hand, indicating Emily to simmer down. At least now she knew there would be a happy ending coming. Perhaps not tonight, but within the immediate future. And if she could help, she was willing to give up on where JJ retreated to. Turning, she moved to the table and picked up a pen and scribbled an address down on the writing pad, tearing it off and spinning back around to hand it to an eagerly awaiting Emily.

‘’Here, go make this right.’’

Emily took the paper quickly, nodding hurriedly before rushing for the door, virtually tripping up over herself in the process.

‘’And Emily?’’

She turned at the last second, just before she was out of the door.

‘’If you hurt her…’’

Garcia didn’t need to finish, Emily completely understood already. She nodded, taking in the unspoken threat. Then, she was out of the door. She had no intention of hurting JJ; she had done enough of that tonight. She had every intention on making this right though.

She was sweating a little bit, it felt good. Felt like she was exorcising something. The booze was definitely buzzing through her now, making her feel heavy and light at the same time. Sent that liquid numbness throughout her body, that was so pleasant and warm. But her mind was sharp, as ever. It wasn’t just the liquor she took comfort in though. It was the feel of the keys beneath her fingers, the vibe of the beat moving straight through her body, curling into her stomach. The music swept her away, took her to another place. Let her get lost in its embrace.

She didn’t have to think. Didn’t have to talk. Didn’t have to pretend. She just had to flow. And she could do that easily. It was all about the beat, the music right now. It was the conductor and she was a mere instrument, she let it fill her blood, fill her soul, let it glide through her. It was one of the best feelings on this earth, was why she retreated here. Because when she needed to let go, she could. They gave her that freedom. She was welcomed with open arms here, they wanted her to play. She fit in perfectly. She had never fit in perfectly anywhere in her life.

She was hunched over the grand instrument, her head bowed slightly, her hair falling forward, the flimsy red shirt she had pulled on earlier riding up. She didn’t need to look at the music sheet; she knew these notes by heart. And she played them out, with every ounce of feeling she had. With all the love and passion she held for this music. The blues. A genre that had captured her soul a long, long time ago. When her Daddy had first let her stay up late, sitting with him in his den as he had smoked his cigarettes, poured himself a whiskey and just listened. JJ had listened too. Had inherited his love of the music, and the ability to play the piano. Hell, she had even inherited his drinking style, and the occasional penchant to smoke whilst she played. She was very much her Father’s daughter. That was the worrying part. Was the thing that caused her to excel in everything but her personal life, which was a mess.

Good old Ben Jareau, dead and buried now. Sorely missed by his only daughter. Not so sorely missed by his only son. Or his wife. Nothing had been perfect up there on the farm. Nothing but those moments with him, playing the blues in his den. At some point everyone had loved each other. At some point everyone had been happy. Though, JJ wasn’t sure anymore when exactly those points had been. She supposed it didn’t make a difference now, she had fled the scene.

She stole a moment to take a drag of her cigarette, her Daddy’s brand, a sip of her whiskey, as she continued the piano beats with one hand. Then, as the beat picked up again, she went back to playing with both, her body moving, her head going with the jaunt. Her ears picking up on the faint cheers and whistles as the musicians worked the music good and proper. Or the music worked them. Clearly, it was in control.

As Emily walked into the bar, she found herself quietly surprised. It didn’t fit, yet it seemed to at the same time. She would never have thought about it really, JJ in a place like this. But now she had reason to, the pieces did drop into place quite well. All that hidden depth the blonde had, all that mysteriousness and intensity. JJ was the personification of still waters run deep. And the blues for someone like that was a perfect outlet. A perfect fit.

Still, it was jarring. It didn’t seem to fit either. Because it was smoky, and the smell of alcohol was engulfing. JJ was crisp, she was like air. She was fresh and light. Something that this place indeed wasn’t. Under all that professionalism, all the confidence...there was this. This was where broken people came, what broken people became wrapped up in. Was JJ broken? She was so coordinated, so confident and together. But Emily only really saw her at work, where she was in her element. And JJ loved her job; the brunette knew that the younger woman didn’t take it lightly. But personally? This was a whole new world, a whole knew perspective.

Emily couldn’t help but let her profiler cogs turn, even though she didn’t want them to. She had already hurt JJ tonight; she didn’t want to add to that by profiling her. It was an invasion, one she knew JJ would not like one bit.

Moving forward into the throng of people, not enough to make it crowded, Emily worked her way toward the bar, all the while scanning tables and booths as she did. This place hadn’t been decorated for a very long time. Yet oddly enough, it was warm and homely. It was comforting and strangely likeable. She was nodded or smiled at by people that passed her, and she couldn’t help but take in that plenty of folk were chatting merrily, or sitting and listening to the music or dancing to it. It seemed that whatever you were here for, to hide in a corner or to have a good time on the floor, you could have it. She wondered which corner JJ had sunken into.

But then she caught a flash. A flash of blonde, which stood out in the darkness of the place. A flash of blonde with a smudge of red. That was definitely JJ.

Immediately, her eyes moved to this flash and smudge, only to gasp in surprise, following by her mouth gaping open a little. Now this…this she would never have expected in a million years. Finding this place was one thing. Finding that JJ was up on the stage, hunched over the piano and being responsible for the notes that flowed out of it…no, never in a million years.

Emily didn’t fail to spot the dark brown liquid in a glass next to her, nor the cigarette burning away in the ashtray next to that. She’d had no idea that this belonged in JJ’s personality. Emily blinked, trying to grasp the reality of what she was seeing. Wondering why JJ never said she could play, especially like this. Those notes flowing, holding the tune together, they were beautiful. And JJ’s hands just glided over those keys, like it was noting. She made it seem so effortless. Emily knew it wasn’t effortless, she’d been forced to attend many a music lesson until her Mother had accepted that she was just tone deaf.

‘’What’ll it be honey?’’

Snapping out of her daze, realizing that she had made it to the bar, Emily turned her head. Mouth still gaping, her eyes will wide in her shock; she just stared at the friendly woman who was smiling toward her, waiting for her order. But Emily couldn’t even think. Instead, she meekly pointed up in JJ’s general direction.

‘’I’ll take what JJ’s having.’’

She said without thinking. The woman smiled brightly, straightening up her stance a little.

‘’You know JJ? Good, ain’t she?’’

Emily swallowed as she nodded, not trusting her voice anymore to speak. Obviously, JJ was a regular. She supposed she would have to have been to be up there playing. It didn’t surprise her though, that the woman behind the bar seemed to like her so much. That was definitely JJ. A people’s person. She understood people, related to them in a very different way to the rest of them. To her especially. She envied JJ’s ability to talk to anyone, to be so good with them. She was awkward most of the time, found it hard to relate to people in a social setting, even sometimes in a work one. JJ was just that girl, which was why she was so good at her job.

After paying for her drink, Emily all but stumbled to a corner, surprised to find it empty. Slipping in, she decided to watch and wait. Her gaze locked into the blonde, and for once she let herself stop thinking. Just for a little while. Just so that she could let the music sink into her. She had often listened to the blues, liking the beats and all the different types of tunes. Evidently, she wasn’t the only one. Evidently, this was a big part of JJ’s life. She wished she had known that. She wished a lot of things. She wanted nothing better than to know everything about the younger woman. She wondered how this obsession, because she could already tell it was an obsession, had gotten started. Wondered why a perfectly ordered woman only smoked here. Wondered why the JJ outside of work was so different, so seemingly tortured. Wondered how long it had taken her to learn those notes by heart, and how long it was until the people here realized that she was talented. Emily realized that she actually knew precious little about JJ. And a great deal too. She knew of her character, her intelligence, her loyalty and passion. She knew of her traits and intensity, of the things that made her up, the determination. However, the other things…like this…she lacked on.

She was to be surprised yet again. Because after the band up there had finished off, receiving a well deserved round of cheers and hoots, Emily watched in awe what happened next. Watched the woman she was in love with down the last of her whiskey, expertly and quickly as an older man leant down to say something, and she nodded eagerly, picking up the smoke, dragging on it and then snubbing it out. She stood up smoothly, her lithe body moving like the liquid she had just drank. She smiled and chuckled slightly, reaching out for something the man passed to her, before someone else took her place. Everyone but her seemed to know what was happening. And before she could work it out, it happened.

They launched into another song, and instead of mastering the piano, JJ cupped something between her hands and brought it up to her mouth. A mouth organ, played perfectly to the fast pace. Emily blinked a couple of times, absolutely blown away by this woman. By the majestic nature she had, by the sheer talent she had hidden away. Her body moved with the jaunty tune, which got faster and faster, and there were hollers across the club for encouragement. Emily was mesmerized, and if possible, fell even harder. Her eyes were glued. And as the tune came to a quick close, and the player looked up, Emily found that their eyes locked. Found that piercing blue eyes were both surprised and unsurprised to find her here, were both calm and panicked and hurt yet steady. What she really did notice, was that JJ didn’t hide the deep-rooted pain in there. The crack running through her that she hid so well at work. The resolve that she was flawed, and she knew it. It made Emily’s heart break yet made her fall even further again.

JJ turned, handing back the instrument to her friend, and thanking him, gesturing toward the tables. He nodded, and she departed with a wave toward the other guys. It had to have been Garcia; there was no one else. JJ had never told anyone else, other than the computer guru. Had never brought anyone here but her. Never uttered her dark secrets, what it had been that drove her here. That left her unable to be the person she had always wanted to be in a personal respect. She had only let Garcia see who she really was, when Agent Jareau was left at the door of work. Only given her a glimpse of the shadow that she had been living in all her life.

But why on earth would she send Emily here? To her sanctuary? Especially tonight, of all nights. The night of humiliation, of bitter realization. The night that she had looked past Emily to see him, doing up his belt as he turned down off of the stairs. After she had done spilling out her feelings like it would make a difference. She hadn’t needed anything else to be said, which is why she had ignored Emily’s please for her to wait. Why would she want to wait around? She’d just asked her out for crying out loud, why stay and meet the boyfriend she never knew she had? Her Daddy was right, all along he had been right. People like him, like her, weren’t meant to be anything else. JJ had finally learnt her lesson on that. Knew now, why he had been such a fuck up to his family, to his wife in particular. Knew why he had skulked about in the shadows, broken and severely flawed, drinking and smoking, playing the blues. The blues he put before his wife, his son…even her sometimes, though she was his little protégé. Why he had never been quite able to resist keeping it in his pants. She was definitely her Daddy’s daughter. She didn’t even know why she thought she could be good enough for someone like Emily.

‘’Hi.’’

As JJ arrived at the table, Emily sat up a little, smiling at her softly but hopefully. Sighing as she licked her lips, JJ slide into the opposite seat, leaning on the table and looking at the old, marked wood rather than Emily.

‘’What’re you doing here?’’

She asked huskily, the burn of the whiskey and smokes evident. She felt Emily shift, so that she was leaning on the table too. Their hands near, but far enough apart as to not accidently touch. Despite that’s all JJ wanted to happen. She wanted to feel the softness of Emily’s skin.

‘’I came to talk. You were…JJ you were amazing up there. Where did you learn to play like that?’’

She cooed, her voice still light but weighty enough to get across her sincerity. JJ merely shrugged, a memory flashing though her head of her Father. His obsession was hers. His nature was hers, his weight.

‘’My Dad. Emily, what is it that you want from me? What do you want me to say? You don’t owe me anything.’’

She stated, finally looking up. Emily shifted a little, looking down briefly as she took in the words. She was so beautiful, those eyes were so amazing. JJ couldn’t help but wish circumstances were so very different. She had many traits that her Daddy did. She loved the blues. She loved playing. She could drink whiskey like it was water, and every time she did she smoked. She was more stoic than anything, keeping parts of herself closed off and hidden. She was good with people. She had learnt that from her Dad, a man that she loved, despite his flaws. Because they were big ones. Ones that he had tried to leave her with, but she was different. In the end, she wasn’t him.

If circumstances were different, she would treat Emily right. She wouldn’t cheat on her, wouldn’t put the music above her. She’d want her to be a part of it, not push her out. She would open up to her, let her see. Show her that her passion for her was the strongest of all. She wouldn’t be a failure to her, like her Father was to her Mother and brother. But he had never done anything to let her down. Unless you counted molding your daughter in your broken image. Making her believe that she was condemned to a life lacking any real stability and happiness. Make her think that she wasn’t good enough, wholesome enough to give someone everything they needed, everything that you should give someone you loved. He had taught her to strive for what she wanted in every other respect though, hence her unyielding ability at work. The brunt of it was, as much as JJ loved that man, he had fucked her up. Left her with a screwed up way of thinking of herself, left her so damaged but with the unique talent of covering it up. That’s what she had been running from, but she realized right now, that she couldn’t do that anymore. She had to accept he was what he was, and stop running from the idea that he was anything but perfect.

‘’I do. You don’t understand, JJ. You left before I could tell you. James…he’s not…we’re not involved. We’ve known each other for a long time, and sometimes…I had no idea you felt that way JJ, I swear. Otherwise I would never, ever have let that happen. I would have been with you, like I’ve wanted to be since I met you.’’

Emily confessed in a rush, but still her words rang clearly and genuinely. If she had had an inkling, she would have stopped her games. She’d thought she’d never get JJ, so she had kept right on playing them. Going on dates, making a few questionable decisions on nights out, hooking up with James when it suited the both of them. When all the while, all she really wanted was JJ. But she’d been trying to move on. Been trying to meet someone else. The dating she could lay that on, because that’s what it was. When she had time, of course. But James was a conscious decision that she just wanted to get laid. It wasn’t that she thought that was wrong, she was fine with that decision. She knew where she stood, and so did he. There were no hard feelings, and she knew the minute one of them found a little something with someone else, that was the end of it. She could deal with that, she was a big girl. But never had she expected JJ to turn up at her door, see him, and think she didn’t stand a chance. It had to be a guy, too, adding insult to injury. Giving JJ the impression that not only didn’t she want her, but she didn’t date women. But she did.

‘’You…you what?’’

JJ stuttered, gaping at her. Emily moved, slipping out of her side and into JJ’s so that they could turn face to face without the interference of a table. Daring to initiate contact, Emily took one of JJ’s hands in her own, letting the other move up to cup the side of her face. She looked so beautiful, even in her confusion. Even though the sharpness of her eyes were hazed around the edges from the liquor, even though the effort of playing so hard was still written in a slight flush across her face, the very edges of her hairline mussed from the start of dampness. Emily had never seen anything as exquisite, and she couldn’t but wonder what JJ would look like flushed with the exertions of what she was doing to her.

‘’I want you, I always have. Since the day we met. And since then, it’s only grown. Jennifer, I’m in love with you. I just…I never thought you’d…I’m sorry.’’

JJ gulped a little, feeling all that rejection retract from her, replaced by something she wasn’t sure she could name. It wasn’t rejection then, it had been misunderstanding. If she had waited like Emily wanted to, everything would have been resolved by now. But it didn’t matter really, did it? Emily was here now, confessing her love. And as much as that terrified JJ, because she had been made in a broken image, it also gave her everything. It made her feel that maybe she could step out of that image, because she was Jennifer, not Ben. She wanted to, for Emily she wanted to. Everything else, that could all just fade away.

‘’I love you too. Can we go home? To my place I mean?’’

It might have been considered an unwise decision to rush in, but all JJ wanted to do was take Emily home and get her into her bed. To do everything she’d fantasized about, to make her hers. Make her forget about anyone else. She wanted to kiss all over that skin, feel the muscles twitch beneath, wanted to feel Emily write beneath her as she tasted her, slipped inside of her. She wanted to be lost in her, and have her be lost too, muttering and panting and moaning. She wanted this to be what they used to drain everything away and start fresh together.

She felt the desire sweeping through her, not created by the drink, but maybe made her brave enough to be as forward. Either way, the look in Emily’s eyes told her she was going to get what she wanted. And she didn’t stop the kiss that Emily leaned in for. Not light, but heavy and thick, full of promise, full of desire and heat. Both willing, both wanting. Both ready.

Tonight had been a night full of emotion, was still that way. And for JJ, it was a night full of booze and music, it was a night of going back to form, of turning into her Daddy. Maybe this was too. Bedding the woman of her desire so readily. But the difference was, she was Jennifer, and she loved Emily, with everything she had. And Emily loved Jennifer.