A/N: Much thanks to everyone who helped me reach over 100 reviews! Woo-hoo! This calls for a beach party...in LONDON! By the way, if you'd like to hear my thoughts on the Twilight movie, be sure to check out my profile. Spoiler free, I promise! ;)

The Dark Lord exultantly strode into the beachside souvenir shop, looking as if he owned the place. Oh, how he would have enjoyed bursting through the door, sending it swinging wildly outward on its hinges. Unfortunately, the door was automatic, which kind of ruined the effect he was going for. The Death Eaters followed suit, gazing in awe at their master as if they had never seen anything cooler in their pathetic lives.

However, when Voldemort actually stopped to take in his surroundings, all indignation vanished from his face to be replaced by pure wonder. He felt just like a murderer in a weapon store! When the Death Eaters witnessed their lord's excitement, they instantly became ecstatic as well, and hurried off to rummage through countless trinkets, doodads, and the occasional oddity.

As everyone else marveled in the complete exhilaration only a tourist trap could bring, Bellatrix grumbled miserably, for she was currently being held prisoner by a certain country-native woman with a knack for irritating her so-called "friends" to the point of insanity.

"Bell! Bell! Hey, Bell!" Luann chanted relentlessly. "Take a gander at this here neck-layce! And these here rangs! Aw snap, look at this, Bell! It looks just like ya! Come on, try it on! No, this! No, this is much better…."

With each new piece of tacky jewelry thrown upon her, Bellatrix was reminded of the nauseating possum casserole she was forced to eat earlier, and was certain of the fact that she would soon see it again. When Luann placed a frilly bow adorned with pink gems in Bella's unruly mat of hair, Bella wanted to kill her right then and there, but remembered with a sigh that for some reason she couldn't.

Stupid Professor and her stupid humor fics…, she thought to herself. One day she shall die a most painful death… most likely involving chainsaws, butcher knives, man-eating dragons—no, llamas! Yeah, man-eating llamas…that spit! And giant lobsters! And, ooh, I'll bet Fenrir's hungry…. Oh, and bloodthirsty vampires! …No, wait, she'd like that…I know! I'll kill her beloved Edward Cullen while she watches in terror!

Oh, heck no.

Yes! And then I'll cackle madly! MADLY, I SAY!

"Hey, Bell?" said Luann. "Why 'r you cacklin' madly?"

"Oh, um…no reason, Luann…. Just plotting the author's murder."

"Oh. Arrighty then."

Yes…Edward will die in a very slow and painful—

Suddenly, a two thousand pound weight fell and hit Bellatrix right on her head. She fell to the floor in a humorous manner, knocked out cold. Who's laughing now?

But I digress. When we last left our favorite Dark Lord, he was browsing the countless shelves of merchandise with a lustful gleam in his eye. Currently, he and Wormtail were sifting through the dozens of t-shirts hanging up on the wall.

Wormtail held up a small, revealing tank top. "Um, Master, this is on sale… but what does 'Corona' mean?"

"Oh, how should I know? I'm not a freaking scientist! Just get it if it'll save us money, and you can wear it to the beach or something."

"Yes, Master."

"Ooh!" squealed Voldemort as he excitedly jerked a t-shirt from its hanger. "It's a bit small…but it's black! I totally love that color, Wormtail!"

"As do I, Master! …Hey, there's writing on it. What's it say, I wonder?"

Voldemort examined the shirt. "'Who needs brains when you've got these…' Ah, by 'these' it must mean my faithful servants, whom I can threaten into thinking for me, thus eliminating the need for my own intelligence! Delightful! I believe I'll get this. Oh my gosh, Wormtail, I can't wait to show it off on the beach!"

Perhaps now would be a good time to leave the two clueless antagonists and observe the sure-to-be engaging antics of Draco Malfoy.

"Look, Mommy! This nice muscular man is going to give me a pretty rainbow tattoo right on my—"

Meanwhile, Bellatrix was still in captivity, completely adorned with tasteless jewels. She had regained consciousness about two minutes ago, and now attempted to ignore Luann's constant rambling about how "purdy" she looked, by browsing shelves of jewelry that she would actually consider wearing. A certain pair of skull-shaped earrings caught her eye, and she envisioned herself looking absolutely fabulous wearing them while brutally murdering the fan fiction author who tormented her so.

"Hey, Bell," said Luann, noticing the gleam in her eye, "you like them ear-rangs?"

Bellatrix started, awakened from her sadistic but stylish daydream. "Oh! Er…yes, they're all right, I suppose…."

"So get 'em!"

"Um…." She blushed. "No, I don't think I will today…."

"Well why thuh heck not?"

Bellatrix sighed. "Because my ears aren't pierced, OK?"

Luann, whose own ears had undergone multiple piercings, gasped in shock. "YOUR EARS AIN'T PIERCED?"

"Luann, shush!" snapped Bellatrix. "I am one of Voldypoo's most powerful servants! If he knew about my fear of needles, he'd laugh at me, which would be unbearably humiliating! Plus, he'd kill me."

"Well, let's fix that!"

"What?"

"You just come with me, Bell! I'll pierce them ears real good!"

"Now just wait a minute, Luann! Nooooooooo…." Her screams died away into the distance as she was dragged away against her will.

"Hey, where did Bella go?" said Voldemort as he stood at the checkout counter. "Oh well. Now to purchase this charming t-shirt!"

Bellatrix sat waiting on a gaudy floral-patterned couch in Earl and Luann's motel room, holding a towel and fidgeting nervously.

"L-Luann?" she stuttered. "Are you s-sure you're a professional?"

"Oh yeah! I done this for all mah cousins, and that's a heck uva lotta ears! Just let me find mah needle."

"OK…. Hey, Luann, you never told me what this towel is for."

"Oh, that's so ya don't bleed all ovah mah couch!"

"Oh…wonderful…."

"Arright, Bell, I'm ready!" Luann approached her, holding a rather large needle.

"Woah!" shouted Bellatrix. "Aren't you going to sterilize that thing?"

"Don't you worry none 'bout that, Bell. This here's a new needle! I only done used it once ta poppa zit!"

"You did WHAT?"

"I know, I know, it ain't good ta pop them thangs cuz they can leave scars. But it was all big and white-lookin', and I just had to, Bell! It did leave a purdy bad scar, though.…"

Bellatrix looked closer at Luann's face. "What the crap do you mean? I don't see any scars!"

"Oh, it wuddn't on mah face. Now hold still!"

"Noooooooo!" Bellatrix jumped up and ran frantically around the room as Luann chased after her with the needle. Desperate, she summoned Lord Voldemort with her Dark Mark. "Save me, Voldypoo!" she shrieked.

The Dark Lord appeared out of nowhere. At first he was confused, but when he saw his most annoying and perverted servant being pursued as if in a horror movie, he smiled evilly. "Get her, Luann!"

Bellatrix paused for a moment to twist the meaning of her beloved's statement into something tender and affectionate in her head, as she always did whenever he insulted her. Unfortunately for her, Luann saw this advantage and took it, tackling Bella to the floor and, with great force, jabbing the needle into her left earlobe.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed as rivers of black eyeliner flooded down her face. "ARE YOU INSANE, WOMAN? THAT FRIGGIN' HURT!"

"Now, hold on a minute, Bell! I still gotta do thuh uther one!"

"THE OTHER ONE?"

Voldemort's eyes started to water as Bellatrix was mercilessly stabbed in her other ear. "This…is…so…HILARIOUS!"

"Arright," said Luann, "let's get thuh ear-rangs in thar now!"

"WHAT?" screamed Bellatrix, again running as if for her life.

Twenty minutes of chasing, tackling, and stabbing later, Bellatrix admired her newly pierced ears in a mirror. Luann was out of breath, but extremely proud of herself. Voldemort applauded and cheered for an encore, still laughing hysterically.

"You know, these actually look very menacing!" exclaimed Bellatrix. "I suppose I should thank you, Luann."

"Oh, you're welcome, Bell!"

"I said I should. That doesn't mean I'm going to thank you."

Suddenly, Wormtail barged into the room, a panicked look on his face. "Master, we have a problem! It's Earl…. He wants to talk to you!"

Earl pushed his way past Wormtail and laughed heartily. "There you are, No Nose! What 'er you hangin' round here fur? We got some more rasslin' ta do!"

Voldemort groaned miserably. "But, Earl, we've done that already!"

"No, not shark rasslin'! I'm talkin' 'bout grizzly bear rasslin'!"

"Oh, heck no. I am not doing that!"

"Well, that's a right shame, No Nose. Yuh see, any av'rage ol' hillbilly can rassle a shark. Where I come from, ya have tuh be pretty durn tough tuh rassle a grizzly! That's a right good challenge right thar. But don't you think a thang of it. I mean, I'm sure you big ol' uppity city folk would find it a little bit too hard..."

Voldemort raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Nuthin' personal, No Nose. No one expects you tuh be strong like a redneck!"

Voldemort took a step closer to Earl and stared him straight in the eyes. "I'll have you know that my neck is redder than the necks of all your family combined."

"Yeah!" agreed Bellatrix encouragingly. "And as your wife so quaintly put it, that's a heck of a lot of necks!"

"Indeed! Thank you, Bella!" Voldemort turned to Wormtail. "Get me a bazooka and a trucker cap. We're going grizzly wrestling!"

He attempted to march threateningly out the door, but was stopped in his tracks as Bellatrix had firmly attached herself to his leg and now held him in place. "No, Voldypoo, you mustn't!" she screamed, the river of dark eye makeup again flowing down her face. "What if that thing attacks you?"

Voldemort chuckled arrogantly, although his laugh hinted at a little fear. "Bella, I'm the freaking Dark Lord for crying out loud! I mean, what are the odds that I of all people will be injured by a silly, insignificant little bear?"