The terrible pain in Voldemort's backside was silenced when darkness engulfed him. He saw nothing, and he felt nothing. Then, suddenly, he was surrounded by beautiful flowers in a never-ending field. He frolicked gleefully with the butterflies until he found a crystal clear stream. Staring at his reflection, he gasped.

"Holy crap, I have a nose! I must be in heaven!"

"Look, he's waking up," said an unfamiliar voice.

The field faded from his vision and was replaced with darkness. He opened his eyes to find himself in a small white room with a doctor looking over him.

"You certainly have improved quite a bit, Mr. Voldemort," said the doctor.

"Oh, Voldypoo!" screamed Bellatrix. "I'm so glad you're ok! I've been terribly worried, you know!"

"Bellatrix is here?" said Voldemort, taken aback. "Oh crap! This must be the other place!"

"Voldypoo, you're in a hospital."

It was then that Voldemort realized he was lying in a hospital bed. "Um…Bella?"

"Yes, my sweet injured angel?"

"You know these hospital beds are only built for one, right?"

She snuggled up closer to him. "Yes, the doctor told me."

"Bella?"

"Yes, you wonderful-"

"THAT MEANS GET UP!"

Bellatrix hopped up at once and smoothed out her dress awkwardly.

"So, doctor," said Voldemort weakly. "What is the damage exactly?"

"Well, you have broken some bones in your posterior. That's the worst of the damage. You also have quite a few scratches and bruises, and you suffered a blow to the head, which knocked you unconscious."

"I like you when you're unconscious, Voldypoo," interrupted Bellatrix. "You can't yell at me for being perverted!"

Voldemort stared wide-eyed at the doctor. "What exactly has she been doing in here?"

"Don't worry, sir," he replied with a chuckle. "We doctors are trained to deal with people like her. A nurse has been kept in here at all times."

"Is said nurse trained in some form of martial arts?"

Bellatrix groaned and rubbed her head in pain. "Three forms."

Voldemort tried to sit up, but couldn't because of the pain. He looked around the room to find that Wormtail and Earl were also there with him.

"Wormtail? Earl? What happened after I wrestled the bear?"

Earl laughed. "You call that rasslin'? Why, where I come from…." He stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Wormtail's disapproving expression; not to mention Bellatrix's murderous glare. "I mean…you did a right good job rasslin' that bear, No Nose. It just happen' to be quicker 'n you. But don't worry yerself. I done rassled up that bear real good after ya passed out!"

"And that's not all!" said Wormtail with admiration. "Master, when he saw what had happened to your…um, hind quarters, he actually carried you all the way back to the truck and drove you here!"

"Earl…?" said Voldemort feebly. "You did that for me?"

Earl grinned. "Oh, twern't nuthin', No Nose! We Suh-thurn folk are always reddy ta help a friend in need!" He grabbed a bowl off a side table and handed it to Voldemort. "Here, have some hot soup. It'll make ya feel better!"

"Very well." He took a bite. "This is rather good, Earl. What is it?"

"Grizzly stew!"

Voldemort spat. "Eeeeeeeeeew! Earl, that is SICK!"

"What? That thar's a real del-uh-cus-see where I come from!"

Suddenly, loud noises sounded from the hallway. Thud. Thud. Thud.

The door swung open to reveal a humongous woman, perhaps even bigger than she was the last time they saw her.

"Olga, honey!" said Wormtail. "It's so good to see you!"

"OLGA HEAR ABOUT NO NOSE AND HIS BUTT. OLGA SORRY. OLGA BRING FRUIT BASKET."

"That's wonderful…. Where is it?"

"OLGA WAS HUNGRY."

"Oh. Well, it's the thought that counts. So where's the basket? Did you throw it away?"

"OLGA WAS REALLY HUNGRY!"

"Oh, Olga, I've missed you so much! But I suppose you're happy with your hunky lifeguard now, right?"

"LIFEGUARD SAY OLGA UNCIVILIZED. LIFEGUARD DUMP OLGA. OLGA WANT WORMY!"

"Oh, Olga!" Wormtail rushed over to her and hugged her as tightly as he could, unable to wrap his arms completely around her.

"I hate to break up this reunion," said the doctor, "but I think Mr. Voldemort needs to rest now, so if you all could come back later, that would be great."

Wormtail took Olga's giant hand and skipped out the door with her. Earl pushed the uneaten soup closer to Voldemort and followed them.

"Mrs. Lestrange, that means you too," said the doctor sternly.

"But I won't wake him up! I promise!"

"Out."

Bellatrix cursed under her breath and made her way toward the door.

"You know," said the doctor, "your husband is staying in room 12. He was mauled by a shark today. You're welcome to visit him if you'd like."

"I would…but, you know, that's an awfully long walk."

"It's right across the hall."

"Yeah, well…maybe after lunch."

Bellatrix and the doctor left, leaving Voldemort all alone. "Finally I can get some sleep…." He closed his eyes and began to drift off, but suddenly there came a knock at the door. "Oh, unicorn turds…," he mumbled. "Who is it?"

"Nurse," said a deep voice outside the door.

"Very well, come in."

The door opened slowly, emitting an eerie creaking sound, and Mr. Happysmileyman entered carrying a rusty knife that was twice his size.

"You're mine now, Tommy!" threatened the plush toy, "I've been told the humans find knives quite a bit more dangerous than pencils!"

"Oh dear…," said Voldemort. "I was afraid this might happen…."

Mr. Happysmileyman laughed a deep, cold laugh. "Yes…and once I've killed you, I plan on changing my blasted name to something more sinister…like Lord Evilfrownyman!"

"Incarcerous!" shouted a voice from the hallway, and Mr. Happysmileyman was immediately bound tightly by magical ropes.

"Who dares to defy the Dark Lord of teddy bears?" shouted the bear in its deep voice.

Bellatrix stepped into the room holding a wand. "Well, what do you know? Narcissa was right. Huh…I should probably get her out of that closet now…."

"Bella? But why?" said the struggling Mr. Happysmileyman, "I thought we had something special!"

"I was going to sneak in here to be with you, Voldypoo," said Bellatrix, ignoring the bear. "Then I saw what was going on."

"That's wonderful, Bella!" said Voldemort gratefully. "…Creepy…but wonderful."

Wormtail, Earl, and Olga rushed into the room. "We heard loud noises! What's going on?" asked Wormtail.

Voldemort sighed. "I suppose it's time to tell you all the truth. I thought I could keep it a secret, but that plan's kind of in the crapper now, isn't it?

"Keep what a secret?" asked Bellatrix.

"Well…Mr. Happysmileyman is a horcrux."

Everyone gasped. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" asked a very confused Olga.

"But if he contains a part of your soul," wondered Wormtail, "then why would he want to kill you?"

All was silent. Then suddenly, something clicked in Bellatrix's mind. "Now is the time to act against global warming!" Then something more relevant to the current situation clicked in her mind. "That teddy bear is in love with me, and he thought Lord Voldemort was standing in his way! He thought he could be with me by killing you, Voldypoo!"

Voldemort nodded. "Yes, I suppose I did transfer a bit of my evilness to him, didn't I?"

Wormtail gasped. "Oh my gosh, guys! That means Rodolphus is in danger, too! And he's in this hospital right now! Oh my badness, Mr. Happysmileyman could have gotten to him first! We have to go check on him!"

"Eh, maybe after lunch," said Bellatrix.

Olga agreed, "YEAH! OLGA HUNGRY!"

"We'll just leave you to rest, then, Master," said Wormtail.

He picked up the still struggling Mr. Happysmileyman and left the room with Olga and Earl. As they were leaving, Voldemort thought he heard Earl say, "So, are y'all gonna tell me what thuh heck No Nose was talkin' 'bout?"

Voldemort closed his eyes again, but something still wasn't right. Oh crap, he thought, Bellatrix is still in here!

She sat down next to him. "Voldypoo, we need to talk."

"Fine. Talk…but nothing else!"

"All right, well…it seems since we've been going out, you've had a lot of near death experiences, am I right?"

Squirming against his uncomfortable butt cast, he replied, "Indeed…."

"And not just from Mr. Happysmileyman, either. It seems the fates don't want us to be together, Voldypoo."

"Aw, that's a shame."

Despite his horrible lying skills, Bellatrix took him seriously. "I know. If I were to lose you, I'd have no one but Rodolphus! And that would suck big time!"

"Oh yes, being stuck with your husband would just be terrible…."

"Exactly, which is why I think we should break up. Now, don't get upset or anything. It won't be so bad. You can focus on your Dark Lordly work-like stuff, and I can go back to admiring you from afar."

Right. Afar, thought Voldemort, if you consider 'afar' to be outside my window with binoculars. But I suppose I should take what I can get. Now to fake some tears. Life in an orphanage...Being beaten by an infant…Losing my nose…Breaking my butt... There, that should do it. "Oh, Bella, I don't know how I will go on, but I suppose if this is how it has to be..."

"I'm glad you understand." She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and hopped off the bed. "Stalk ya later!" Closing the door behind her, she sighed. "He took that really hard..."