Title: Barefoot and handcuffed

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis

Rating: R – to be on the safe side

Genre: crack. Utterly silly crack.

Pairing: there's definitely John/Elizabeth, but there are other pairings too, including Teyla and her private male harem (because she so should have one)

Spoilers: not actual spoilers, but a vague reference to season 5 premiere. If you don't know what the episode is about, as well as the details of it, you'll miss it. If you do know, well I hope I made a good laugh out of it.

Disclaimer: damn it I don't own them, but if I did, just look what I would make them do.

Summary: May the most popular male be sold at the highest price.

Dedication: written for the lovely and always so sweet lady-xan who needed some cheering up. I know this isn't my usual stuff (if you want me to do something fluffy and shippy just say so, sweetie!), but it's from the bottom of my heart and I hope you will like it and have few laughs.

-- x --

"Of course women find him ridiculously attractive, but for what reason, is beyond my comprehension," says Rodney indignantly, staring down his cards. Lately he improved his poker face considerably, but he is still nowhere near Teyla's impeccable poker skills.

"I am handsome and charming?" offers John nonchalantly, closing his hands around his cards.

Rodney rolls his eyes and Ronon glances at two bickering friends with amusement.

“Oh please. Women go lala about you because of your hair. Isn't that right, Elizabeth?” Rodney probably isn't aware of the effect of his comment, because Elizabeth blushes straight to her hairline. Laura Cadman however does take a notice. Not like Laura is completely oblivious about what caused the blush, like Rodney is. (Rodney is always oblivious when it comes to those things.) “But once they do get to know their men better, they decide they prefer really smart men. Besides the hair, I don't get what women see in you, Kirk,” Rodney lifts up his chin. Teyla flashes him a smirk and Ronon tries not to laugh.

“So you are implying that women would actually prefer you to Colonel Sheppard? Is that right, Rodney?” asks Teyla with her best innocent face that usually means she has something absolutely not – innocent on her mind. Definitely so, because Ronon sinks lower in his chair, John turns rigid and Major Lorne's face becomes a shade paler. A wide smirking Laura Cadman should also be taken into consideration as a telltale sign of trouble but Rodney manages to miss it all completely.

“Definitely. And I'm not counting the off world kirkettes but the women who actually know us well enough. I'd outdo him any time,” concludes Rodney with lots of self satisfaction.

“Kirkettes?” asks Elizabeth, eyes wide and face still flushed and then it's John who sinks lower in his chair, looking somewhat guiltily around the table and suspiciously avoiding Elizabeth's eyes. Teyla removes the smirk but the look much like one she has whenever she intends to kick Ronon's ass in sparring session stays on her face.

“He's exaggerating,” John waves his hand in a dismissive motion then scrunches his face after realizing that he just gave his reputation a low kick in the gut. Open mouth, enter foot, thinks Rodney.

“See, even he admits it, which probably means he is smarter than he looks – but certainly not smarter than me,” says Rodney triumphantly. John almost chokes on his soda. Cadman half stops a snort. Elizabeth is somewhat confused but she looks more comfortable than most men around the table.

“How about... what is it called? Testing the hypothesis?” asks Teyla in that innocent voice, looking at Elizabeth.

Well, it's then when Rodney realizes what exactly he is getting himself into. Because the death glare John is giving him definitely counts as unmistakable sign. Owies.

Elizabeth seems very interested by now. Now that isn't good at all, because it means that, whatever Teyla is thinking about, is going to be approved. Shit, shit, shit.

“What did you have in mind, Teyla?” asks Elizabeth, glancing at John and I – will – have - my vengeance look is all over her face.

Teyla looks at Cadman. The marine and the Athosian leader are wearing matching grins, and boy, Rodney knows he is in trouble.

But not nearly as much as John.

-- x --

“Do we have to wear these?” whines John, glaring at his handcuffed wrists. Just where did Teyla hear about this? It was Cadman, damn it, it has to be Cadman's very bad influence, there is no better explanation, because no matter what Teyla couldn't get this idea all on her own... right?

“Oh suck it up and behave like a man,” huffs Rodney, also handcuffed and not happy - but not nearly as jumpy as John is feeling, pulling a breath and his stomach in. Oh great – just what is he trying to pull off? There's no way to make that stomach look flat, thinks John and glances down his shirt hiding solid and flat stomach underneath.

“You do realize this is all your fault?” John glares at him and Rodney shrugs.

“I didn't tell her to do this,” he sighs, surprisingly calm given the circumstances. Then he looks at his reflection in the tall window. “I think I look good in black. Yep, I definitely look good in black,” concludes Rodney. Damn it, he is enjoying himself!

John looks at other men – Ronon, Lorne, Chuck, Zelenka, Bates (how did they get him to cooperate, damn it?) Sargent Doley from Daedalus (talk about flat stomach. And well defined muscles. And fancy hair. And opened shirt. What does this guy think he is?!), and finally Carson - all of them apparently not too worried about upcoming – dear God – bachelor auction.

An auction. As in being sold to the highest bidder.

John inwardly cringes. Like he is supposed to be an item meant for sale? That is so wrong. He does have some dignity, right? He isn't a male – slut to be sold to and then spend the evening with a woman who bought him, no.

This is oh so wrong on so many levels.

Then why are other men obviously looking forward to it? Even Ronon seems to be cool about the whole thing, which leaves only John freaking out.

-- x --

Oh but women are the scary part – all dressed up – wait is that Novak from Daedalus?! - and ready to kill.

Each other.

To get the men.

John is so royally screwed.

Luckily he isn't the first offer for the evening – thank God for small miracles. But there is a downside to his observer – behind – the – curtain position, because he can only witness the ensuing chaos as the bidding begins, lead by Laura Cadman herself. Carson is the first meal of the evening, and he walks out there grinning, blushing (it's Carson after all) and winking at the rampant female crowd; and before the whole thing begins, Cadman warns the ladies to treat “this fine piece of a man” with care.

Then she pats his butt.

Damn it, that did not just happen.

-- x --

So Teyla buys Ronon. That's hardly a surprise.

Teyla also buys Lorne. Before that she bought Carson. And that Daedalus metro sexual. And has her eyes on every other male offered for the bidding.

John definitely didn't know about this side of his team mate's persona.

He might stay away from Teyla for a while. Especially when she has that innocent look on her face.

Zelenka is successfully sold to one of the Daedalus engineers, but John doesn't fail to notice that Elizabeth is bidding for him (and trying damn hard), among lots of women. John frowns and something in his gut twists in a knot and his heart does some irregular beating stuff that has nothing to do with jealousy. None whatsoever of course.

Then why does she look like she's regretting she didn't get her hands on Radek?

John casts a glance at that same window Rodney was using as a mirror.

He has better hair than Radek. Definitely.

Then, Bates is sold to one of the botanists. She gives him a rose, puts it in his mouth, and there he's standing with a rose in his teeth, grinning like an idiot as she's unlocking one of his handcuffs and then is handcuffing herself to him.

This must be a nightmare. It should be.

Could he, please God, be hallucinating? Knocked hard on his head, bleeding and hallucinating?

The bidding continues, Chuck is the next to go, and a small war begins when he is presented as another offer to the bidders, which leaves only Rodney and John left.

-- x --

Rodney is the last bidding offer at his own request (Talk about confidence! What does he think, that he's so popular?), which makes John the next to go.

He walks into the crowded city restaurant to be greeted with ooohs and aaahs and wolf whistles (who said men are bad? Women are so much worse!) feeling almost naked in his wrinkled, half buttoned white shirt and worn jeans, and damn it he is standing there barefoot (other men got to keep their shoes! Not fair!) in front of an entire estrogen brigade in an early stage of heat.

Shit, shit, shit. These women look hungry and he is the next meal.

-- x --

Oh that is plain unfair.

Elizabeth had decided to play cool and bid for other men. Not John. Definitely not him.

Because she would blush so stupidly and she wouldn't be able to help it and she doesn't need the whole damn city talking about their leader bidding for her military commander – okay, he isn't hers for real.

Which is sad. Owning him...

You did not just think that, Elizabeth.

But then Cadman brings him out, in that semi transparent white shirt, two top buttons loose (the chest hair, oh noes), and those jeans that do wonderful things to compliment his ass and he is... barefoot.

Oh damn the ladies poker nights and Kate's ability to make her talk, using her superior knowledge of a skilled shrink and peach vodka. Someone did this on purpose, because certain ladies here, Cadman included, know about Elizabeth's fetish.

She likes males with pretty feet.

John Sheppard has gorgeous feet.

(And hair. And hands. Handcuffed hands. And there's chest hair peeking out of his shirt, and she can clearly remember those two life non threatening situations when she had the privilege of seeing his chest hair and his chest. Damn fine chest. She would like to run her fingers down said chest.)

Don't think about his chest, Elizabeth.

Easier said than done. That little voice in her head is mocking her and her resolve not to bid for him is completely gone when the madness ensues, and nearly half of those women start making claims on her military commander.

Oh no, ladies you won't. His lovely ass is mine, she decides and defiantly raises her hand.

-- x --

So, Elizabeth spends a small fortune on him.

He will probably be degraded to her lap dog for a next month or so. She will make him bring her reports and coffee (he won't mind that) and listen to Rodney's rambling during regular meetings (that means she won't shy away from kicking him in the shin if he zones out like he usually does).

But for this evening and night he belongs to Elizabeth Weir and nobody else and that doesn't feel bad.

At all.

-- x --

And then Rodney is sold for the highest price of the evening.

Teyla almost bought him too. (John makes a mental note to himself – stay away from Teyla. Definitely stay away from Teyla.).

Eventually Rodney ended up as Katie Brown's possession, holding a bouquet of daisies in his handcuffed hands and grinning happily.

“Told you so, Sheppard,” smirks the scientist into John's face.

-- x --

John's ego is a little bruised, of course. Rodney McKay just proved he is the most popular man on Atlantis.

However John's brain is unable to care about it right now, because he is stuck in a storage closet, with Elizabeth pressed flush against him, her lips and teeth doing unholy things to his neck, her hands greedily opening his pants.

He definitely has better work to do than worrying about his bruised ego.