Disclaimer: I do now own Firefly.

Title: The Emperor's New Clothes
Chapter: Fashion Show (4/?)
Characters/Pairing: Simon, Mal, River - Rayne
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3829
Date: 15 February 2009

-A/N: Sorry this took so long!

River’s first outing hadn’t, in Simon’s view, been successful. She’d struck up a conversation with the man they’d spotted at the bar, but it had lasted only a minute or two and – much to Simon’s dismay – hadn’t led to anything more than a smile.

“You just givin’ up that quick?” Kaylee had asked her sister-in-law with a pout. “You only talked to him for a second.”

“Lacking necessary chemistry,” had been River’s reply before she’d shrugged and sat back down to her drink.

Kaylee had tried, dutifully, to entice River into talking to someone else, but the girl always refused. They’d all eventually given up, and she’d spent the rest of the evening dancing.

“So,” Mal asked as everyone trooped back onto the ship, “our li’l albatross manage to snag herself a man?”

Simon shook his head. “No. She talked to one man, but… But that didn’t work out. Apparently he either wasn’t interested or perhaps River wasn’t interested… she was vague on the details.”

“Hmm.” Mal looked the doctor over thoughtfully. “Y’know, doc… I got an idea I been thinkin’ heavy on. Why don’t you give your wife a quick goodnight an’ meet me up on the bridge?”

“I… What? Why, captain? Is there – “

“Just an idea, is all.” He waved the doctor off. “Go on, I’ll tell your sister I got Serenity for the night – send her on to bed.”

“O-okay…” Simon nodded, a little wary. Ideas were far from the captain’s strong suit, and the doctor had more than enough reason to doubt that Mal had come up with something that had even the remotest chance of turning out as he expected it to.

He went to the bunk he shared with Kaylee. “Did you have a good night?”

She yawned, still a bit tipsy and all tucked up into bed. “Sure did!” she answered drowsily, a big smile plastered on her face. “It was… Jus’ all kinds o’ fun. All kinds o’ fun.”

Simon smiled indulgently and gently pushed her hair back from her forehead. “Well I’m glad. I appreciate you trying to help River; and I’m sure she appreciates it, too. Now Mal wanted to… talk to me about something, so I’ll be back later.”

Kaylee frowned and groaned a little, her eyes fluttering closed as she grabbed his sleeve. “Not… not yet. Y’still gotta sex me up. We gotta…” She yawned. “Make a baby.”

Simon let out a breathy laugh. “Oh… Bao bei, there will plenty of time for that. But not tonight.” He kissed her temple. “You get some sleep. I love you.”

“Love you, um…” She snorted. “Too.”

With a chuckle and a shake of his head, the doctor switched off the lighting and bid his wife one last goodnight. Though feeling a little anxious about what the captain had to say, he was curious, as well. It couldn’t be that Mal had finally noticed whatever it was between River and Jayne, could it? He stopped briefly by River’s to tell her that she wasn’t needed. She smiled and thanked him before going back to her drawing.

“So,” Simon said, stepping onto the bridge. “What’s this idea you wanted to discuss?”

Mal stood out of the pilot’s seat, giving the doctor a penetrating look. “This… helpin’,” he said heavily, “all the tryin’ to find your sister a date. It’s about Jayne, ain’t it?”

Simon looked away guiltily. “No, well… I wouldn’t…” He cleared his throat, a hand at his neck, just under his ear. “I wouldn’t say that it’s only about Jayne. After all, I do want River to be happy.”

Mal exhaled in a huff. “You want 'er to be happy, I'm sure, but you wouldn't 'a worried a thing 'bout her love life if she hadn't started gettin' closer to Jayne." He shook his head and laughed. "You jus' want her to find someone so whoever it is’ll distract her from him."

“I hardly think it’s your place to question my motives in regards to my sister,” Simon said with a frown.

“Hey.” Mal shook his head and pointed towards himself. “Cap’n Daddy here. Ain’t questionin’ your motives, I’m just sayin’ what they are.” He rolled his eyes. “Wish you had never noticed they was friends - you been harpin' on this ever since." Simon started to speak but the captain held up a hand to interrupt him. “Now I was figurin’ you’d get all huffy ‘bout this, so here’s my idea. You want so bad for li’l River to find ‘erself a fella, then maybe you ought to be the one doin’ the lookin’.”

“Wh-what?”

Mal shrugged. “Since you obviously ain’t happy with what you’re thinkin’ are her own choices – though I still say she isn’t actually choosin’ Jayne – then why don’t you give her some more ‘propriate options?”

Simon cleared his throat, looking away shamefacedly. “I have been working on… on a list.”

“A list? A list o’ what?”

The doctor’s ears reddened further. “Of… suitable traits. For any suitor of River’s.”

“Doc, tell me that you’re jokin’.”

“N-no…” Simon sighed. “I didn’t do it simply to find someone I approved of – I tried to take what I knew of River’s preferences into consideration, as well.”

Mal crossed his arms and sighed, looking at the doctor skeptically. “An’ what’d you come up with?”

Simon ticked the traits off on his fingers. “Someone strong, reasonably good-looking, intelligent, well-groomed, maybe a pilot. She said at the bar that she liked, well… the man Kaylee suggested was apparently too pretty.” She’d told them basically that she wanted a man similar to Jayne, but Simon didn’t know if that was specific or if those were her preferences overall.

“No pretty-boys, huh? Don’t sound too hard. Y’know, was jus’ talkin’ to Monty the other day an’ he mentioned that a nephew o’ his jus’ got a pilotin’ job. I can check t’see if we’re somewhere near ‘em, an’ then…” He shrugged again, grinning a little. “Our li’l witch may find him to ‘er likin’.”

“I think that sounds reasonable. As long as…” He sighed heavily. “Yes, all right?” Simon scowled. “I told you I was worried and I stand by that. I want to... I just want to help her make a choice that she won’t regret. Jayne is far and away one of the worst men in the ‘verse to begin a serious relationship with.”

"You ever think o' his feelin', doc? Jayne ain't gonna let nothin' romantical happen unless he wants it to."

"Have you ever watched them together, Mal? Really watched them? They flirt, they find excuses to touch each other, they spend more time together than they do with anyone else. It... I don't understand how I'm the only one to see it."

"Fine. You want me to watch 'em? I will. But I can just about promise you I ain't gonna see anything."

"You... If you watch them, Mal, I just don't see how you can miss it."

True to his word, the captain started his observations the very next day. Much to Simon's dismay, he was not subtle. "Would you... Stop staring," Simon chastised under his breath, leaning in towards the captain.

"I figured you'd appreciate the close scrutiny, doc," Mal retorted, never taking his eyes off his hired gun and his pilot.

"Well if they notice, however close that scrutiny may be, it won't do any good, will it?"

"Hey doc!" Jayne called loudly. Simon sat up, his features gone slack with surprise. The mercenary smirked at him, eyes sparkling with amusement. "Li'l Kaylee's goin' t'get jealous if you keep cuddlin' up to the captain like that."

Simon scowled and moved a little away from Mal. "Jayne... No one here is cuddling. We were talking. And... and what are you doing anyway?"

"Huh? Oh. Me an' the moonbrain got gun-cleanin' duty."

"Yes," River agreed, gesturing to the large number of guns laid out before them on a dirty piece of canvas. "Forced into hard labor - trumped-up charges."

"Yeah," Jayne said, pointing harshly at Mal. "Ol' Cap'n grumpy here said she was dancin' too loud 'r some go se like that."

Simon's eyes rolled to the ceiling. "Dancing too loudly?" he asked Mal quietly. "Really?"

"Well I had to get them together somehow. They weren't cooperatin' on their own."

"Yes, but they know you're watching now," the doctor explained through clenched teeth. "Of course you won't see anything telling."

"Maybe I ain't gonna see anything, doc, 'cause there ain't anything to... see."

Mal's attention left Simon and quickly the doctor looked over to Jayne and River to see what had caught Mal's eye. River was smiling up at the large man, looking more than a little besotted. Jayne's eyes flicked back and forth for half a second between the guns and the girl before he cleared his throat and gave her an awkward, tender pat on the head.

Simon met the captain's eyes.

"That," Mal said deliberately, his voice barely above a whisper, "Don't mean nothin'."

"Mal..."

The captain looked away from him. “Maybe I better wave Monty ‘bout that nephew o’ his now.”

Monty was thrilled about the prospect and didn’t at all mind putting Mal in contact with his young nephew. The boy had just graduated from flight school with honors so he was plenty intelligent, and the capture Monty sent showed a clean, round-faced young man with broad shoulders and sandy blond hair. He seemed practically perfect.

Everyone suspected something when Mal agreed to Kaylee’s request to stop on Dalton to look for a part they needed, but until a tall, soft-spoken young man showed up at the docks, no one knew his motive.

"Sir, what the hell is going on here?"

Mal's smile faltered a little under his first mate's stare. "Now Zo, don't go accusin' me o' nothin' 'til you hear the whole story."

"I'm not accusin'," she told him, her arms crossed and one elegant eyebrow raised. "I'm perfectly willin' to give you a chance to explain." She paused, unable to stop herself from smiling at little at Mal's discomfort. "So start explainin'."

"Just thought, since the last little venture with our li'l witch an' the girls didn't go too swift, that maybe I - as a fine, upstandin' captain daddy - might do a good job findin' her a nice fella to take out."

"You have got to be kiddin'," Zoe deadpanned.

"Hey," Mal told her defensively, "I'm just tryin' to help."

Zoe rolled her eyes, putting a hand up in defeat as she sauntered away. "Whatever you say, sir. Whatever you say."

"That talk's soundin' mutinous," Mal called after her. "I know what I'm doin'! It ain't interferin' - it's for her best interests!"

"Whose best interests?" Kaylee asked, coming over. She shook a dirty rag at him. “Me an’ Simon are ‘bout to go out an’ scavenge. They got some o’ the best junkyards here. If I can find what I need, won’t even have to buy nothin’. Not that you ever let me buy nothin’ anyway.”

“Now Kaylee I spend all the coin I can spare on our girl, here. You don’t – “

"Hey." Kaylee touched his arm. "Who's that?"

Mal looked over to the tall young man in blue coveralls standing silently off to one side. "Oh! Forgot he was there for a second. Kaylee, this here's Johnny... well, Johnny somethin'. A nephew o’ Monty’s." Mal tilted his head up, smiling proudly. "He's Albatross's date for this evenin'."

"A... date?" Kaylee frowned a little, her eyes still on the boy. "Cap'n, I ain't real sure River's gonna like that."

"O' course she will, li'l Kaylee. Already talked to her brother about it - an' didn't y'all just take her out lookin' for boys? I'm only tryin' to help an' you're gonna stand there an' - "

"All right," she said with a laugh. "Maybe she won't get too mad at ya. Bye Johnny!" she said with a wave. "Nice t'meet you."

"Too mad. Hey!" he yelled after his mechanic, "per-maybe-haps she'll see I'm jus' tryin' to help!" He shook his head. "My whole crew's turnin' against me."

"Um... s-sir?" Johnny stepped forward with a tentative smile. "I don't know if this is such a - "

"It's fine," Mal told him, clapping the boy on the back. "Ain't got a thing f'r you to worry about. River's jus' the nicest girl you'll ever meet an' y'all are gonna have a real good time."

"I-if you say so, sir."

Mal nodded definitively. "I do."

Simon had been fretting over their decision to set River up the entire trip to Dalton. They were only doing it out of love, but the kindly-meant interference might not go over so well with the girl with whom they were interfering. And making a psychic assassin angry was something that no one really wanted to do.

He gave River a warm smile as he stood in her doorway.

She frowned. "You are up to something, ge ge."

"W-well... River, why don't you come to the hold with me? For just a little while." She rolled her eyes but stood up to follow him.

Trying hard to keep back any stray thoughts about what they were planning, Simon gently led her to the ship's hold. She blinked in surprise when she saw the unfamiliar figure standing next to the captain. "Who is this?" she asked.

"His name's Johnny," Mal said proudly, clapping a hand on the young man's shoulder. The man smiled, wringing his hat between his hands. "He's the pilot on a ship called the Bethany. So y'all probably have a lot in common."

"He's pretty nice-lookin', ain't he?" Kaylee asked merrily. She giggled and said, "Well, best leave you an' River to it. Have a nice time!"

"Have a nice time? What does she mean by this?"

Simon swallowed nervously. "W-well... Mal and I thought that, maybe, you and Johnny would like to go out for a little while. M-maybe on... a date."

"A date." She looked at Simon in disbelief.

"Yup," Mal answered, giving her a somewhat stern look. "Y'ought to just give him a chance, Albatross. 'M sure you'll have a great gorram time."

"Hello Johnny," River said, showing no enthusiasm whatsoever. "Ready for departure when you are."

He swallowed. "Okay, River." After half a second he gave her a tentative smile and said, "You're real pretty. I bet we have a real good time. I..." He swallowed again. "Well, let's go then."

She nodded and they headed out, River leading while the young pilot shuffled slightly behind.

"Goodbye, mei mei!" Simon called. "Be careful. And have a good time!" She only held up a hand in response. He sighed and she walked further and further away. He was beginning to think that letting her go off on her own had been a bad idea.

"Don't worry," Kaylee told him, wrapping her arms around his middle. "They'll be fine. An' if they get into any trouble then I bet Jayne'll help 'em out - he said he had some stuff to do while we was here."

"Wait, you mean Jayne is out there? He's not on the ship?"

Mal rolled his eyes. "That's gen'rally what 'out there' means, doc."

Simon groaned, hoping that Jayne had nothing to do with River's easy acceptance of the date they'd set up for her. On one level it was comforting to know that there was someone out there to watch out for her, but at the same time Jayne's presence would be nothing but a hindrance to any blossoming romantic feelings between River and her date. “Kaylee… Are you ready to go, too? We should go look for the parts you wanted soon.”

Mal snorted. “Right. An’ that ain’t got nothin’ to do with your mei mei bein’ out there.”

Simon sniffed haughtily. “Not a thing.”

It didn’t take long for them to find the parts Kaylee needed. She knew just what she was looking for and her knowledgeable chatter and adorable smile kept the junkers from upping the prices. They returned to the ship only a few hours after they’d left. River, however, still hadn’t returned.

“I got to get to work,” Kaylee said, patting Simon’s cheek comfortingly. “But don’t keep frettin’, bao bei. ‘M sure Riv’ll be back real soon. An’ I bet she’ll be wantin’ to see that Johnny again.”

Kaylee was right in one respect - it did not take much longer for River to return. She stomped into the hold, Johnny trailing timidly behind her.

"River!" Simon rushed over to her, eager to see if she'd enjoyed herself. "Did you... Did you have a nice date?"

She shrugged. "Acceptable for one evening. Not an activity I would choose again."

Inwardly, Simon groaned. "Oh, w-well... At least it wasn't horrible. And Johnny was... nice, wasn't he?"

River rolled her eyes. "Yes, Simon. He was nice."

"I-I'm sorry that you didn't have a better time, River," Johnny said, twisting his hat between his hands. "But it was... real nice meetin' you. I sure had fun. A-and I guess - "

"Yes," River interrupted, "Lovely time, enjoyed meeting you, maybe we will have a subsequent run-in some time soon. Goodbye."

Johnny smiled nervously. "O-okay, then. G - "

"Hey. Who the hell're you?"

Johnny jumped a little as Jayne strode up behind him. Though Johnny was only an inch or so shorter, Jayne seemed to tower over him like some imposing, muscle-bound mountain.

"M-my name's Johnny," the boy stuttered out. "I was j-just here, um..." He swallowed nervously, eyes daring around the hold. "I took Ms. Tam out on a date. W-we just got back."

Jayne laughed harshly. "You an' moony? A date?" He grinned cruelly, looking at Johnny as though he were as insignificant as a speck of dust. "Guess you're stupider than you look if you'd go out with someone as crazy as her."

"C-crazy? She was... was very nice an' I had a nice time. Uh, sir."

"Right." Jayne rolled his eyes and walked past the shaking young pilot. "Moonbrain, what the hell's this about? Bringin' your boy-toys on ship now?"

River glowered. "Was Simon's idea, ape-man. And it was only one date."

"Well I don't like it."

"Since it is not your life, you do not have to like it."

"Um... m-maybe I better go."

Simon sighed forlornly and nodded to Johnny. "Yes, that might be for the best. Thank you for taking care of my sister while you were out. It was nice to meet you."

Johnny nodded, already backing down the ramp. "Nice to meet you, too, Dr. Tam. Tell cap'n Reynolds that, uh... that I'm goin'. An' thanks." And with a smile and another wave, he was gone.

Jayne was looking smug, heading up the stairs. Simon frowned. "You didn't have to scare him, Jayne," he called crossly.

"Oh, I sure didn't have to," Jayne replied. He grinned wickedly. "I jus' wanted to."

Though the first attempt had been met with little success, neither Simon nor Mal were ready to give up just yet. The second man they found for River was one she'd met on Persephone. They'd chatted briefly inside a boot shop; he'd made her laugh. With Simon's encouragement to River and Mal's none-too-subtle hints to the man himself, another date had been made.

When he brought her back to Serenity, both seemed in high spirits. River went off to spill all the details to Kaylee while Simon and Mal swarmed her date.

"So how'd things go?" Mal asked. "Y'all have a nice time?"

"Oh yeah, very nice," the man - Miles Brown - answered. "River's a hoot; we had ourselves a great time."

Simon nodded, smiling broadly. "Oh, good. Good! So does this mean that, you'd... like to see her again?"

"Oh, I'd love to see her again." Brown smiled apologetically. "But not in a romantic capacity."

Both other faces fell.

"Well why not?" Mal asked him stubbornly. "Somethin' wrong with 'er?"

He laughed. "I just don't think she was attracted to me. She's pretty as a gorram moonrise and smart as a whip, too. But we get along best as friends - with no agenda behind it. We might see each other next time your boat lands on Persephone, but it won't be for a date."

He left immediately after that, no doubt able to sense both the doctor's and the captain's displeasure. They had thought for sure that he was just what River would want. Still, they had one more trick up their sleeves. Zoe, eager to strengthen her remaining bonds after she lost her husband, had contacted a few of her old friends. One - a man who'd worked on-ship with her father - had a son around River's age. He'd enrolled in a prestigious university on one of the Core planets, and - according to Kaylee and Inara, at least - he was also very handsome.

So they'd set River up with Cal, hoping that maybe this time she'd see something in him that she'd like to see again.

Unfortunately, the date went exactly as Simon had feared.

Mal sighed. He, Simon, and River sat around the table after her latest unsuccessful date. "Let's go through it, then. All three boys you had some kind o’ problem them. Mayhaps you’re just too picky, albatross. So you didn't like Johnny because... ?"

"Too shy," River said simply. "Unattractive. Want a man with confidence."

Mal nodded. "Okay, guess I c'n give you that. But Brown? Y’all sure hit it off. What was wrong with him? Seemed like a nice fellow t'me."

"Then you may date him," she teased. "Want to remain friends, but he would not make an appropriate mate. He was too small - not physically appealing. Need a big, strong man: large arms to protect and hold, built sturdy enough to match me in a fight."

"Don't think anyone can match you, girl."

“I understand that, I think, River. But… but Cal?” Simon ran a hand through his hair wearily. “We saw him; while not enormous, perhaps, he was a big man. And he was polite a-and seemed generally good-natured. Smug, maybe but…” Simon looked at her helplessly. “Nice?”

"Nice, yes," River agreed, "but too smart. Could not accept that my intellect exceeded his. Need a man with common sense - but who can accept the girl's brilliance without feeling threatened."

"That's what you get for bein' a gorram genius, Albatross," Mal said proudly, his 'Captain Daddy' mode going full blast. But then he sighed. "Y'sure are specific. So lemme see. You want a confident, not-too-smart man who's big an' can fight?"

Simon squeezed his eyes shut, pulling on his hair with both hands. 'And let me guess,' he thought caustically, 'he needs to have a girl's name, as well.’

As much as he didn’t want to do it, there seemed to be only one option left. It was time to talk to Jayne.

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Chapter five is coming... eventually. Yeesh. Heh.