|Nemuri no Kagura
Author: ForgottenKaze PM
In this extremely long oneshot, Kagura becomes a princess, Sesshoumaru a prince, Byakuya a disgrace to the forces of evil, Naraku wears a frilly dress, and Jaken is a doormat. Sleeping Beauty Parody, SessKagu, InuKag, possible othersRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Kagura & Sesshomaru - Words: 4,200 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 8 - Published: 09-20-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4549686
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This was originally written for English class, where we had to write a parody. My teacher told us to have a minimum of 300 words, I doubt she was expecting me to hand in one numbering more than 3,000. Needless to say, I had the longest story of the class.
Anyway, InuYasha does not belong to me, Sleeping Beauty does not belong to me, and MacBeth does not belong to me. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Charles Perrault, and William Shakespeare respectively.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away that will shift to Europe for the duration of this story, there lived a king and a queen. Even though the opening line was cliché, the king and queen were not.
The king, as half-demon by the name of Inuyasha, was a reckless man who enjoyed beating the crap out of people. The general public thought that he was quite the mysterious man, as they wondered many things about him: why he always went to war himself, why he wasn't dead, why had dog-ears, why he always wore a necklace, how his queen put up with him, how he was named king in the first place…
People usually asked many questions, but most of them had the same answer: King Inuyasha was an idiot, and the only one that could keep him in his place was Queen Kagome.
Queen Kagome was the opposite of King Inuyasha. She was sweet, kind, clear-headed (usually), smart (except in matters involving math), and a superb archer and priestess.
With such powerful rulers, not many dared attack the kingdom, be they human or demon. Thus, their kingdom was a peaceful one.
The King and Queen had all they wanted, except for a child. Every day, Queen Kagome would go to the temple of the goddess Suijin to pray for a child. Eventually, the Priestess-Queen got her wish.
To the King and Queen was born a single child, a girl. The child's hair was so brown it was almost black, and her eyes were as red as blood. She was also born with very sharp teeth. Despite her somewhat demonic nature in appearance, her parents loved her and she was named Briar Kagura-
"Wait, Briar Kagura?" demanded Inuyasha. "Wasn't the princess' name Aurora?"
"Actually, Inuyasha," Miroku said as he popped out from behind the curtains, "Charles Perrault originally named her Briar Rose, but then Disney changed it to Aurora."
Inuyasha raised an eyebrow. "Er… Okay then…"
Miroku blinked as a light cough was heard. "Better get started again. The narrator's looking slightly murderous and won't hesitate to kill us all if we don't get on with it…"
"Ah, right…" the half-demon agreed, then motioned to the narrator to continue.
The narrator coughed again, and continued.
In celebration of their child's birth, the king and queen held a great party. To the party they invited the seven most important faeries.
In a large room filled with light, laughter, food and music, the seven faeries approached the young princess who was sleeping in a cradle on a raised platform.
The faeries were, in fact, the Shichinintai, who were, for some odd reason, wearing frilly pink dresses. Almost all of them looked as if they would blow of their owns heads from the shame, except for Jakotsu, as it was similar to his usual attire, and Kyoukotsu, who was happily munching away at something that looked a lot like a human arm…
The leader of the faeries, Bankotsu, hoisted the blue skirts of his costume up with one hand, curtsied awkwardly, and approached the sleeping child (that was really just a Jaken plushie wrapped in a bunch of blankets).
"Why did I agree to be apart of this damn story?" Bankotsu growled under his breath as he glared at the ceiling. "Ahem… Briar Kagura, little princess, my gift to you is the gift courage." He lifted his 'wand', which, due to budget cuts, was a chopstick. A stream of blue sparkles cascaded down from the roof where a multitude of extras held buckets full of the stuff.
Bankotsu backed down from the raised dais as his second in command, Renkotsu approached.
Renkotsu coughed to clear his throat then amble gracelessly up to the dais on high-heeled shoes.
"Little princess," he recited. "My gift to you is the gift of grace." As with Bankotsu, Renkotsu lifted his chopstick-wand and a shower of glitter rained down from the roof.
And so it went, as four of the five remaining faeries gave the gifts of beauty, song, command over the winds, and a temper. Everyone stared at Mukotsu as he gave that gift, but he just shrugged and said "I like 'em feisty." Various objects of great destruction such as baseball bats, bowling balls, and radios were thrown at the little man. He was then transported out of the room on a stretcher carried by a couple of extras.
As Kyoukotsu, the seventh and last of the faeries approached the cradle, a loud cackle was heard through out the room.
A swirling vortex of terror appeared in the middle of the room. The laugh seemed to emanate from the maelstrom. Slowly, as if to draw out the suspense, the being in the vortex appeared. At first, a pale hand appeared, then an arm draped in black cloth. Another arm followed, then a leg, then another leg, then a body, then a pale, sickly face, and scarlet eyes, framed by dark hair. On the being's back waved a handful of tentacles and on his head perched a ridiculous black hat. A bird that looked suspiciously like one of Abi's sat on his arm, tied down and muzzled with leather straps so that it would not peck his eyes out for killing both Abi and Tekkei.
"Naraku," King Inuyasha growled as he reached towards the sword at his hip.
Naraku laughed again. "Kukuku, Inuyasha, fear not… I merely wished to give a gift to the princess as well, but it seems that I was not invited."
"Of course not," Inuyasha snorted. "Why the hell would we invite a bastard like you?"
The evil faerie laughed again. "Don't worry, I just came to give a gift." He turned to the sleeping 'child'. "Little princess, you shall be courageous, graceful, beautiful, but before the sun sets on your eighteenth birthday you shall prick your finger on a spindle and die! Kukukuku!"
Naraku backed up, still laughing, and disappeared into the void from which he came.
"I knew he'd screw up somehow…" Jakotsu muttered under his breath.
Queen Kagome was the first to recover from the sight of Naraku in a dress.
"My child! Oh, what shall become of my child? Will she truly die by the evil faerie's curse?" she sobbed dramatically as she cradled the blanket-robed Jaken plushie to her chest.
"She won't," replied Suikotsu. "Kyoukotsu still has his gift to give the princess."
"You can undo the spell?" Kagome cried hopefully.
Kyoukotsu shook his great head. "Naraku's powers are to great. But I can change the severity of it." He lumbered up to the Queen and her 'child'. "Omph, it'd hard to breath in this dress… Little princess, although you may indeed prick your finger, you won't die. Instead, you shall merely sleep, until you are awakened by true love's first kiss." He raised his chopstick-wand and once again a shower of sparkles fell onto the princess.
As the glitter fell, a chorus rang out through the castle.
"For true love conquers all!"
Bankotsu sweat-dropped. "Um, guys, what's with the singing?"
"Obviously we had a lower budget than we thought, if we're using music from the original Disney movie," Inuyasha replied.
Thus, the king ordered every spindle in the kingdom to be burned, and so it was done. Various people, including Karan, Abi, Renkotsu, unleashed their fiery wrath upon the enormous pile of spindles. Others stood nearby and roasted marshmallows, hot dogs, and jiffy-pop.
King Inuyasha, Queen Kagome, and the faerie Bankotsu watched the blaze from a tower not too far away.
"Do you think this'll be enough?" asked the queen as she cradled the 'child'.
"Seeing as it's Naraku, probably not," replied the king.
"My King, my Queen," Bankotsu looked fairly angry at having to address anyone, especially a rival, with such a title, "I believe that I have a solution."
"Spit it out then!" Inuyasha exclaimed.
Bankotsu glared at him. "I would, but you're being impolite."
Inuyasha returned the glare. "Okay, would you please tell us?"
Happy that he had finally gotten the arrogant half-demon to bend to his will, Bankotsu smirked. "Well, we, that is to say, my comrades and I, were thinking of taking your child with us, into the forest, were Naraku will never find her. We'll bring her back to the castle on her eighteenth birthday."
Kagome looked as if she was about to argue, but must have then thought the better of it.
"Well…" she began. "This plot does need to go somewhere. So yes, you may take her until she turns eighteen."
The queen turned her child over to the faeries, and thus the princess lived for almost eighteen years.
In Naraku's lair, deep inside of a mountain, the evil faerie sat on a throne of made of human bones.
"Is it not incredible, eighteen years and you still have yet to find a mere girl-child? Are you sure that you've searched everywhere?" Naraku demanded of one of his many search parties.
" Yes sir," answered the patrol captain, a young man by the name of Byakuya. "We've searched everywhere we can think of."
"Yeah, yeah," agreed another demon, this one a mind reader by the name of Goshinki.
"What about the mountains? The forests? The towns? The gates to the Netherworld?" demanded Naraku.
"We have searched the mountains, the forests, the towns, and all the gates," affirmed Byakuya. "As well as every cradle."
Naraku blinked. "The cradles?"
"Yes sir, every last one of them."
"The cradles, for eighteen years?" exclaimed Naraku. Turning to the still muzzled bird demon that perched of the back of his chair, he asked "Did you hear that my pet? For almost two decades, they've been looking for a baby!" He started laughing.
Nervously, his subordinates joined in.
Suddenly, the evil faerie stopped laughing. "Fools! Imbeciles! Fools! Dimwits! Fools! Have I called you fools yet? No? Well then, fools! Get out of my sight! Now!"
Byakuya and his men scampered off. Naraku turned back to the captured bird.
"They're hopeless… True disgraces to the forces of evil… My pet, you are my last hope. Circle far and wide, and search for a maiden of eighteen with brown hair and eyes as red as the most pure of rubies. Go, and do not fail me."
With a blood-curdling cry, the bird took off.
For eighteen years, the whereabouts remained a mystery to everyone but an army, who, thanks to the faeries, were all dead and swimming with the fishes at the bottom of the Pacific. Living like the average human, the faeries raised Briar Kagura as their own, and called her Aurora.
"Well, it's been eighteen long years," began Bankotsu as he sat down on a trunk that was in the living room for reasons unknown. "And we're still alive to tell the tale!"
"Yes," Mukotsu agreed. "It's finally time to allow Briar Kagura to return to her home."
"She sure was a handful," Jakotsu commented.
"And I wonder whose fault that was." Renkotsu glared at Mukotsu, and the others followed her example.
"Ehehe…" Mukotsu laughed nervously. "Well, um, what d'ya say that after we return the princess to her parents, that we go and find a couple of armies to slaughter?"
The six other faeries agreed. Just then, the door opened.
"Just who are you planning to slaughter?" demanded a new voice, the voice of a young woman.
The seven whipped around to see Briar Kagura standing in the door, glaring at them with crimson eyes.
"Oh, Aurora, no one," answered Suikotsu. "We were just joking. Right?"
"Right!" the others agreed empathically.
"Gesh!" agreed Ginkotsu, who, because of issues involving a metal jaw and cannons, couldn't talk normally.
"If you say so…" Kagura was still suspicious of the seven men.
"Aurora," Bankotsu started. "There's someone you have to meet."
"And who is this 'someone'?" she demanded.
"You'll see," Jakotsu told her as he lead began to lead her out of the house.
"To the Entei-mobile!" cried Kyoukotsu as punched the air.
"What?" demanded the giant faerie when he realised he was being stared at. "I just thought it would a cool name…"
"Okay then…" Kagura and the others slowly backed away from the cannibalistic faerie and began walking towards their horse and carriage.
Kagura, Bankotsu, Jakotsu, Renkotsu, Suikotsu, Ginkotsu and Mukotsu climbed into the carriage, while Kyoukotsu lifted himself onto the horse's back.
The horse, whose name was Entei, was not amused at having to fly while carrying so much weight. He made sure to make slightly sharper turns and to toss them around a bit.
Eventually, Entei landed at the castle, where the king and queen stood waiting, never mind that royalty would normally wait in their throne room or something when expecting guests.
Briar Kagura was the first to walk out of the carriage. Upon seeing her daughter, Queen Kagome nearly burst into tears.
"Oh, my daughter, my beautiful daughter!" she cried as she ran up to hug Briar Kagura.
"Er… 'daughter'?" asked Briar Kagura as the other woman began sobbing into her shoulder. "Who exactly are you?"
"We're your parents, Briar Kagura," Inuyasha told her.
"…Huh…?" Briar Kagura replied with unfathomable elegance and wit.
Bankotsu approached them. "If I may, your majesty," he spat the last two words with such venom that even a king cobra couldn't rival it. He turned to Briar Kagura. "You see, when you were born the evil faerie Naraku cursed you to die."
"But that's all in the past!" laughed Inuyasha. "Let's go drink and eat ninja food! Oh yeah, Bankotsu and you guys can come too…"
"Gee, thanks," muttered Bankotsu as he shoved his hands in his pockets. But he followed the king anyway.
The others were about to follow, Briar Kagura still as confused as hell, when an all-to familiar voice rang out.
"Kukuku… Inuyasha, you've not forgotten the spell I cast eighteen years ago, have you?"
The voice came from a portal that had opened in the air when no one was looking. From the portal emerged a figured robbed in a long, flowing dress of night black and a tall, two pointed hat.
"Naraku," Inuyasha and Bankotsu growled at the same time, automatically pulling out Tetsusaiga and Banryuu.
"Kukuku, Inuyasha, Bankotsu, I'm glad to see you're still alive… But not for long, as it is your daughter's time to die!" Naraku reached towards the red-eyed princess.
"Like fun you will!" she snapped. Taking out her fan, she unleashed her great and fiery wrath upon the poor, pitiful evil faerie.
"Ow…" Naraku muttered as the princess' winds cut him into itty-bitty slices.
"Ha! Try killing me now!" Kagura laughed.
Now, only half of the evil faerie's head remained, as the rest had disintegrated. The remaining half laughed.
"Did you really think that your puny powers would be able to stop me, the master of all evil!" he laughed. "Goodbye, Briar Kagura."
As the last of Naraku's disappeared, a large beam of light pierced through the dark shadows cast by the light of the setting sun and pierced Briar Kagura's chest.
"How the hell is that a spindle?" demanded Inuyasha.
"He's waaay to far into his role," muttered Bankotsu.
"NOO!!" screamed the queen (who was apparently the only one that remembered what they were supposed to be doing) as she watched her only daughter fall to the ground. "My daughter! She is dead!" Kagome fell to her knees, next to the body of her daughter, whom she had seen for the first time in eighteen years.
"Um, she isn't dead," Jakotsu reminded her. "Just asleep."
Kagome looked up and dapped nervously at her eyes. "Er, I knew that…"
"Ahem," coughed Renkotsu.
"People seem to cough a lot in this," Suikotsu noted. "Is the flu going around?"
Renkotsu shot his comrade a glare before continuing. "So that the princess will not be lonely when she reawakens, we shall force everyone else in the castle into a deep sleep as well."
The seven faeries lifted their wand and simultaneously chanted a spell ripped from the pages of Shakespeare.
"Fair is foul
And foul is fair
Hover through fog
And filthy air."
Never mind the fact that that particular spell made absolutely no sense in that context, everyone in the castle fell asleep. With another wave of wands, the princess and her parents were sent to their own beds.
And so, years passed.
In front of the castle grew a large hedge with roses three times as large as one's head, and with thorns as long as swords. In time, the entire castle was hidden.
Word of the beautiful princess who lay asleep in a castle covered by thorns eventually reached all four corners of the world. Many a valiant knight had ventured to rescue the princess from her confinement, but all attempts were in vain.
Then, one day, after five hundred years, the most brave and powerful of knights chanced upon the hidden castle.
He was a tall and handsome man, with hair as white as snow, and skin that showed pale in the moonlight. His eyes were as the hardest of golds, and shown with the glow of hundreds of small fires.
The knight, who went by the name of Sesshoumaru, was pushed onto the scene by the hands of his own father. When he realised that he could not beat his father, he allowed himself to be propelled to wherever he was to be. Once standing directly in front of the castle, Sesshoumaru stared at it blankly. A sandbag dropped onto his head. Still, he continued to stare. A wrench hit his head. He did not move an inch.
Eventually, someone backstage must have gotten tired of waiting, as both Miroku and Sango popped out from behind the curtains and dragged Sesshoumaru towards the forest of thorns.
"Stop daydreaming about what's going to happen and go do it!" Miroku exclaimed as he pulled the knight.
Sesshoumaru glared at him and used on of his hands to grab onto his sword. As he held the sword out, it glowed blue.
"Souryu…" he began.
Sango sweatdropped. "How about you unleash your anger on that lovely forest?" she suggested.
The knight turned his glare from Miroku to the forest.
"Souryuuha," he stated in a monotone. The forest was reduced to nothing but ashes in a record 0.3 seconds. Sango and Miroku immediately left the scene to help put out the fires Sesshoumaru's attacks had started.
The knight then walked across the scorched landscape and into the castle. He walked through the castles halls, which were littered with sleeping extras, 'accidentally' stepping on the back of a frog-like retainer named Jaken, until he chanced upon a door with a feather painted on it. He stared at it, thinking that it might be important, until yet another sandbag dropped onto his head. Taking the bag as a message that he should continue though the door, he opened it and walked up the flight of stairs it opened onto.
Sesshoumaru followed the stairs upwards, toward the top of the tower, when he came upon yet another door, this one with painted with a crescent moon and the same feather that was on the first door. Guessing that it was someone's sick idea of a joke, Sesshoumaru pushed open the door and stopped dead in his tracks.
On the silk covered bed lay Briar Kagura, her face unchanged and ethereal in her dormant, her hands clutched at her fan, holding it over her chest. He stared at her sleeping face for several long moments, entranced. After what seemed like an eternity, he slowly approached the sleeping princess.
He leaned over her and pressed his lips to hers. The contact lasted only for a few seconds, but during those few moments a record number of photos were taken, mostly to be used as blackmail and/or to be framed.
As Sesshoumaru drew away, Briar Kagura blinked her eyes open.
"Huh? I'm awake?" she asked as she sat up. Sesshoumaru did not answer, but at the same moment the seven faeries appeared in showers of the same glitter that was used at the beginning. The janitor in the corner muttered something about children and their glitter, and how in his day, kids listened to their parents and didn't make messes that were a pain to clean…
Bankotsu started first. "Sesshoumaru, knight of the Western Lands, you have freed Princess Briar Kagura from the curse of the evil faery, Naraku, but she is still in danger."
Jakotsu dipped his head in agreement. "If you truly wish to save the princess, then you must destroy Naraku once and for all."
"Until he is killed for good," continued Suikotsu, "the princess will be hunted down and killed, no matter how long it takes."
Just as Suikotsu finished speaking, a creepy cackling was heard.
"He's here…" muttered Renkotsu.
"That he is," affirmed Bankotsu. Turning to the princess and her knight he merely called out "Ciao!" and he and the other six were gone.
Sesshoumaru turned to the Swirling Vortex of Doom™ just as Naraku entered the room, via said vortex of course.
"So, you are 'Naraku'?" Sesshoumaru demanded, still abusing his right to speak in monotone.
"I am. You are the knight who think he can destroy me, I take it?" the faerie replied.
Sesshoumaru said nothing but attacked, his sword raised. Naraku didn't even blink as the sword made contact with his barrier. Sesshoumaru attacked again and again, trying every single angle for week spots
"Give it up," Naraku told him. "You cannot win."
The young man swung his sword again, ignoring the others advice. All during this confrontation, Briar Kagura had been watching on the sidelines and she had noticed something. Whenever Sesshoumaru attacked, the small, spherical jewel around Naraku's neck glowed pink. She had a thought that might aid in Sesshoumaru's plight. She lifted her fan, and, in the moment when Sesshoumaru took the recoil from one attack and unleashed another, she sent several crescent shaped winds at the necklace. Naraku was unsuspecting of her attack and had no time to call up his barrier. The jewel fell to the floor with a 'plink' and rolled away from the faerie and his opponent.
"Attack him now!" Briar Kagura ordered the knight.
Though he disliked being ordered around, Sesshoumaru did as he was told. He swung his sword in a wide arc, managing to slice Naraku in half.
"No… My power… How did you figure out that all my power came from my necklace?" he asked as he fell to the ground, dead.
"Do I really have to answer such a clichéd question?" Briar Kagura asked, disgusted, as she watched the villain's body disintegrate. The princess walked over to the jewel and picked it up, trying to choose what to do with it. Deciding, she threw it out a window, where it hit a crow demon. The crow then fell to the ground, and was then eaten by Kirara, who had somehow made her way onto the set.
"…" Sesshoumaru turned around to look at the princess. "Briar Kagura, because this is a fairytale, I must ask this of you… Will you marry me?"
'What's up with him?' wondered Kagura, noting that Sesshoumaru wasn't looking directly at her, and that there was a slight pink tint to his cheeks.
"Yes," she answered.
And so it was done. The next day, under the queen's decree (the king was sulking, as he did not like Sesshoumaru), the two were married.
And they lived happily ever after.
Except for Jaken, who to this day wonders why he awoke with an aching back and a muddy footprint on his shirt.
That was... Long. I also had to re-write it, as the computer at my first version. ('The computer ate my homework' is the main excuse of the twenty-first century, I swear) I'm sorry that this was not as funny as it could have been. I tried to keep the humour intelligent, will stuffing in as much as I could.
I would appreciate it if you reviewed and told me what you enjoyed, and what you think I should work on. So please, click that little blue button!