-Chapter 8: Moment of Decision-

Secrecy, once accepted, becomes an addiction.

--Edward Teller

Two days had passed since Ran put her investigation on hold.

She needed the time to think. When she first threw herself into determining whether Conan was really Shinichi or not, her motivation had been to quell the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that something was wrong with her world. That feeling was probably akin to how Keanu Reeves's character felt in that Matrix movie her friends had dragged her to a few years ago. All she knew was that something didn't feel right, and it was driving her insane.

Then when she discovered that there was apparently a conspiracy to keep her in the dark, Ran had felt hurt and angry. It wasn't enough any longer to simply prove that Shinichi was lying to her. She wanted to know why. But that was until she came face to face with how far Shinichi would go to prevent her from knowing why he had been hiding in plain sight for all this time.

There was something out there that truly terrified Shinichi, the bravest and most reckless person she knew. So much that he was willing to live as a child day-in and day-out. So much that he was willing to let her think she was crazy for thinking that Conan was really some teenage detective. That he was willing to harden his heart every time she fell into a depression over why Shinichi was so obviously lying to her about his 'cases' and why he couldn't come home.

That realization had evoked a combination of anger and pity. She knew that Shinichi did not enjoy making others miserable. She knew that he was trying to protect her from whoever was after him. So she continued her investigation not only for selfish reasons (and she could admit that she was selfish) but to try to lighten the burden on Shinichi's shoulders. So that he didn't have to spend so much time and effort deceiving her, especially when she knew enough that there was no longer any point.

But would she be removing one burden only to impose another? She wanted to support him, but he probably didn't want her support. Just as she hesitated at the idea of telling her father the truth of his success because it seemed unnecessarily cruel, she had to wonder if telling Shinichi that all his attempts to deceive her had failed was really something he needed right now.

However, she had already pointed out to herself earlier that even if she could force herself to lie to Shinichi about what she knew he would never believe her. It was amazing that she even got as far as she did before Shinichi realized that she was onto him.

Shinichi was clearly afraid. She wondered if she wasn't afraid enough. Not for herself as she could less about herself but for Shinichi. Had she endangered Shinichi or anyone else with her running around? She had stopped her sleuthing in order to answer that question, evaluate where she was, and figure out what she wanted to do next if anything.

Professor Agasa and Heiji already knew what was going on, so they weren't in any new danger. Detective Sato had no idea whose fingerprints Ran had given her, and Sato wouldn't know unless she decided to run a computerized search on the prints. Ran trusted that the woman's integrity would not allow her to abuse department resources for her own personal use. There was nothing tying the woman to anything.

The only real loose end was Ran's mother.

Ran thought deeply about this point for awhile. Her mother knew that she was investigating Conan, but she didn't know why. Was that enough to make her a target? If the Organization that was after Shinichi (and she couldn't help but think of it in a capitalized manner) was like other criminal enterprises, it would kill him and the closest people around him, namely her and her father, as an example to others thinking to defy them. They probably wouldn't go any further than that out of fear of arousing suspicion. These types of groups thrived on secrecy, and the more deaths there were surrounding Shinichi, the greater the risk of exposure. Her mother was such a rare part of their lives that there would be no point in investigating her.

Her reasoning was sound and logical, but it didn't alleviate the tight knot in her stomach. Ran stewed about this for a bit of time before ruthlessly pushing the concern aside. What was done was done. The only path open to her now was helping Shinichi maintain his charade so that the worst case scenarios never came to pass.

But she still didn't know what she was supposed to do about Shinichi. Maybe her best option was to pretend not to know anything, and Shinichi could handle that however he wanted. If it really meant that much for him to think she was ignorant of his secret then he might even be able to convince himself that she really didn't know.

Actually, that seemed rather patronizing. It wasn't possible to put the genie back in the bottle here. Maybe she should just shove the evidence she had in his face and let the chips fall where they may. But were either of them ready to deal with the consequences of that? She wanted to give him peace of mind, but that didn't like it was going to be possible no matter what happened.

Ran really wished that she had someone to talk this over with. She wondered how Shinichi had managed not to go crazy with all the secrets he was carrying around. She only had one secret and it was driving her nuts.

Okay, all this moping wasn't accomplishing anything. If she really wanted a sounding board then she needed to go and get one. Maybe the professor would be more amenable to talking to her now.

"I'm afraid the professor is not in right now. He's at a conference and probably won't be back until the weekend," Ai Haibara said after opening the front door and listening to Ran's request.

Ran visibly sagged. Her hope of getting some words of wisdom from the elderly inventor had just been dashed.

"Thanks anyway," Ran said before turning to go home.

"Wait, Mouri-san," Ai said. The child hesitated for a moment then she continued, "Would you like to come in for a few minutes?"

Ran looked at the girl curiously. This was rather unexpected. Seeing no pressing reason to hurry home, Ran followed Ai into the house.

As Ai set out the tea, Ran couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. The last time she spoke with the girl her world had been shaken. But maybe that was what she needed right now. Some cool, analytical advice to shake her out of her current funk.

Ran had to shake her head at her silly thoughts. She was in trouble if she was seriously thinking of confiding in a first-grader!

"What did you want to talk about?" Ran asked.

Ai paused before she handed a cup over to Ran. She said, "Actually, that was the question I wanted to ask you."

Ran was startled. "What?"

"You look like you could use somebody to talk to."

Ran could hardly deny that! But she was not going to unload her worries on a child, no matter how eerily mature and composed she seemed. "Ai-chan, I appreciate the thought, but-"

Ai interrupted her. "The last time we spoke we discussed when it was better not to know something. I wondered if your opinion has changed."

Ran found herself giving in to the the girl's penetrating stare. She said, "My opinion hasn't changed per se, but it has... evolved. Look, I get that secrets are sometimes necessary, but I still don't like them."

"But you do like privacy," Ai countered. "And what is privacy but a form of secrecy?"

"Everyone has a right to their secrets," Ran replied. "But not at someone else's expense. Nobody has the right to lie to me. If Conan wants to lie to me, then that's his business. But if I want to find out why he's lying to me, then that's my business."

"You don't trust him enough to wait for him to tell you?" Ai asked. Her expression revealed nothing about what she was thinking.

"Trust is a two way street," Ran snapped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she said, "This is not about trust. At least not completely. I spent a lot of time trying to put myself in his shoes. I wanted to understand his thinking and..."

Ran trailed off. Ai wouldn't understand. Even after countless hours of trying to puzzle out Shinichi's motivations, Ran wasn't sure she completely understood herself. She knew that Shinichi wanted to protect her. That much was obvious. But...

Shinichi couldn't have it both ways. He couldn't insist that her knowing the truth would endanger her life while at the same time putting her and her father in the line of fire simply by being around them. She understood his desire to personally watch over her, and it probably made sense for him to hang around a detective's office if he wanted to track down the bad guys, but that didn't change the fact that his presence was more of a danger than any secret he had could be. It wasn't like the bad guys were going to ask her whether she knew Conan was really Shinichi before killing her. The chances of them believing that she really didn't know was next to zero!

But it wasn't completely zero...

And that was why despite everything, Ran couldn't bring herself to be angry at Shinichi. Grasping at straws seemed like a stupid thing to do until one was in a situation where grasping seemed like a good idea. That was why she kept trying to get her parents back together even though she knew intellectually that any reunion that they would ever had would most likely have nothing to do with anything she did.

Nobody wanted to believe that they lacked control. How many mistakes in history have been made because of the idea that one had to do something, anything, rather than do nothing? Even if that something wouldn't actually accomplish anything at all? Shinichi probably knew full well that his actions were motivated more by fear and desperation rather than reason, but how could she take that hope, however slim it was, away from him?

Ran realized that her thoughts had drifted and she hadn't spoken for some time. Her eyes snapped open to see Ai sitting across from her patiently waiting.

"It's not about trust," Ran repeated. Upon seeing Ai's disbelieving stare, Ran said, "Let's try another angle. What's one reason for keeping a secret?"

"To protect others," Ai replied immediately.

Ran leaned forward. "Ah, but is it really the secret that protects or is it the secretkeeper? Imagine that your best friend was in danger. He wants to keep you out of that danger by hiding things from you. But what if you're in danger anyway? Maybe you want to believe that your friend can protect you, but what if something happens to him? What protects you then?"

"Just to be clear, we're not talking about Conan any more, right?"

Ran didn't understand the flash of amusement on Ai's face, but she nodded. She felt a little guilty as she lied, "It's just a hypothetical."

Ai shrugged. "Then hypothetically, maybe nothing protects you. But what use is there for you knowing other than to be worried? Unless you think you can protect yourself better than he can."

"Maybe I can't protect myself. Maybe I can't help him out at all. But that seems to be beside the point. Do you want an illusory peace of mind? Don't you deserve some say in your own fate?"

"Sometimes peace of mind is all that a person has to give," Ai said softly.

"What if I don't want peace of mind? What if I never had it to begin with?" Ran asked. She could feel her eyes well up, and she had to blink furiously to keep the tears back. When was the last time she was able to sleep soundly? Shinichi didn't want her to worry, but that was not something within his control. She knew that Shinichi was only trying to be kind, but kindness could sometimes be the greatest cruelty of all.

After she composed herself, Ran asked, "And what if I know the secret? Is there any point to maintaining it any longer then?"

For the first time in their conversation, Ai's unruffled expression cracked, and the girl had to turn her head away. She said, "I suppose that if you knew the secret then that changes everything. But I still think it would have been better for you not to know."

"Isn't there a secret you would have liked to have known?" Ran asked.

Ai's bitter laugh made Ran draw back in surprise. The girl's eyes flashed as she looked over at Ran. She said, "I had a sister once. She knew my secrets. She knew who I was. She knew what I did. It would have been better if she hadn't known. Because of that she wanted to help me. So she did something stupid..." (1)

Ran had never seen Ai cry. She didn't think she would have been able to imagine it either. Seeing it happen in front of her, Ran knew she had been naive. She didn't know what to say in the face of such raw pain.

"She didn't tell me what she was going to do! She should have told me! Maybe if she had, she wouldn't have die-"

Ran didn't know what to say, but she knew what to do. In a couple of quick steps, she was at the girl's side and pulling her into an embrace. She expected Ai to struggle and resist, but the girl simply sank into her arms.

"I'm sorry," Ran murmured into Ai's hair as she tightened her arms around the girl. The two of them sat together like that for a few minutes before Ai pulled herself out of Ran's grasp.

"I apologize for my outburst," Ai said brusquely, not looking at Ran.

"Ai-chan..."

"But maybe you understand my position now."

"I do understand," Ran replied. "But I'm thinking that you also understand where I'm coming from."

Ai stared at her for a long moment before she nodded. She then said, "I've always understood the point you were trying to make, Mouri-san. I just think things aren't as simple as you make it. Life is not that black and white."

"Life rarely is," Ran agreed. "But I am where I am, for better or worse. I can't go back."

"No, you can't go back," Ai whispered.

Ran regarded the child before her. Ai Haibara was clearly not an ordinary girl. Whether that was the result of some harsh life experiences or something more out of the ordinary, Ran didn't know. But Ai apparently knew more than what she was letting on. Whatever it was, Ran didn't want to know. She had no reason to know, and she had quite enough on her plate already.

Nevertheless...

"Ai-chan, you've really helped me out today. If you ever just want to talk, then I'm willing to listen," Ran said.

Ai gave her a wan smile. She replied, "Maybe I'll take you up on that offer someday."

Ran gave Ai a final squeeze of the shoulder before she stood up to go home. As Ran made her way to the door, Ai called after her.

"For what it's worth, I don't think Conan ever meant to hurt you."

"If there is anything I know with any certainty, it's that," Ran said before she disappeared out the door.

It was late by the time she got home. She found a note from her father that he had gone out drinking with some friends. She frowned a little at that, but she couldn't get too worked up about it. She found Conan asleep on the couch with a mystery novel clasped to his chest.

Ran smiled at the sight. She gently extricated the book from Conan's hands. She thought about waking him up to go to bed, but he looked so peaceful lying there. She also decided against taking off his glasses. He might take it the wrong way when he woke up. Ran decided simply to sit back and watch Conan breathe. He looked like the child he was supposed to be.

She wondered what it was like to be him. Going to school with peers who were nowhere near his mental age. Trying to be taken seriously when he couldn't even see over her father's desk without standing on the tips of his toes. Living through every day wondering if he would ever get back to normal or wondering if he was not acting childish enough but also worried that he was getting too comfortable with his charade...

"Oh, Shinichi. What have you gotten yourself into?" Ran asked with a heavy sigh.

Maybe she was being too dramatic. It was possible that Conan was coping just fine with his transformation. Unlikely but possible. He was always so tough and determined. Or at least that was how he always liked to present himself. As some kind of brainy superhero who was beyond the worries and concerns of mere mortals.

And truth be told, Ran had seen Shinichi that way as well. She would never admit it to everyone, but she had seen the teenage detective as someone who was above her. She was not as intelligent as he was nor could she see the things that he could see. When he had disappeared, her worst fears had only been confirmed.

Shinichi had left her behind.

Ran had felt abandoned. It was such an irrational feeling. She had no claim to him, and it wasn't like he had cut off all contact with her. And she knew that, as egotistical as he could be, Shinichi had never thought of her as some simpleton that was merely to be tolerated. But, deep down, she'd wondered if Shinichi was happier without her around. Wherever he was, he probably didn't have to slow down and explain everything or deal with her mood swings.

Maybe that was why she had fixated on the idea that Conan was Shinichi so quickly. She wanted to believe that her best friend was still around in some form. Until the night of the school play, she had been sure that she knew who Conan really was. She had no proof, and her previous attempts to make Conan confess had failed, but she had never stopped believing. She had given blood to him on that certainty. (2) Just knowing that he was there was enough to comfort her.

A certain realization struck Ran. It had been such a long time that she had forgotten, but she had gone for weeks believing that Conan was Shinichi but deciding not to say anything, and Conan apparently had never suspected a thing! (3) Typical Shinichi. So sure of his victory over her that he'd dropped his guard. Maybe he was not infalliable after all.

There had been a time when she didn't want to tell Conan what she knew because she wanted him to tell her himself. Was it too late for that?

Ran detected movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to see a groggy-looking Conan sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Ran-neechan? When did you get home?"

"Just a few minutes ago. I saw you sleeping on the couch. You have a busy day?"

"I had a really fun day at school! Sensei showed us how to make a baking soda volcano! It's weird what adding a little vinegar will do..."

Ran could practically see the mask fall over Conan's face. It made her a little sad that Shinichi had learned to lie so effortlessly that he could do so upon waking. Yet this ability probably also kept him alive. She listened for a few more minutes then she asked, "I notice that you fell asleep while reading. Is the book that good or that bad?"

"It's okay," Conan replied. "Heiji-niichan keeps insisting that Ellery Queen is better than Sherlock Holmes (4) and he gave me this book to read. Queen is an interesting character, but the mysteries aren't that difficult to figure out!"

Ran had to bite back a smile at the thought of Heiji's likely reaction if he ever heard about this conversation. She asked, "I'm not surprised. You've always been good at piecing clues together. What is it about mysteries that you like so much?"

As she watched a marginal tenseness come over Conan's body, Ran regretted asking the question. She really didn't have any kind of ulterior motive in her query, but Conan apparently had interpreted her question in that light.

Conan gave her a considering glance. Then he replied, "I like solving riddles. It feels really good when I put pieces of a puzzle together. I like catching bad guys. And I like making sure my friends are safe."

"Those are very good reasons," Ran said, smiling.

"Ran-neechan, do you like having me around?" Conan asked.

Ran was taken back by this sudden question. She said, "Of course I do! Why do you ask?"

"You've been acting weird lately. I thought maybe it had something to do with me. You told me that it didn't, but I can't think of anything else!"

What kind of game was Shinichi playing here? Ran thought quickly. If Shinichi was still under the impression that his trick had discouraged her into dropping her investigation, then he was probably trying to reinforce her guilt about having suspected a little kid of lying to her. It was quite an underhanded tactic, but not more so than what he pulled on her two days ago.

Or that's probably how he rationalized it to himself. Secrecy led one down some slippery slopes, Ran thought bitterly. She was careful not to let any of her irritation show in her voice as she replied, "Like I said, I'm not mad at you. If I'm acting weird, then it's because I've been having some stressful days lately."

"Really?"

"Really," Ran replied. She looked into Conan's eyes and she said honestly, "I do love having you around, Conan. You're like the little brother I never had. It was a little lonely with just dad and me. Having you around makes my life a lot more fun."

Conan smiled at her. His smile was full of childish innocence, but there was a brittle quality to it and more than a touch of guilt. It suggested that if she was to push it would collapse completly. His mask was slipping. He didn't seem to be aware of it. Ran found herself turning her head away, unable to face that crooked smile.

"I like living here too," Conan said. His voice contained none of the turmoil that she had briefly seen on his face.

"Oh?" Ran asked lightly. "Why do you like living here?"

"Because you're here. I sleep better knowing that Ran-neechan is watching out for me. I feel safe here."

The conviction in Conan's voice surprised her. Ran had suspected that he lived with her and her father to take advantage of her dad's detective service. She had figured that he also wanted to be close enough to keep an eye on her and ensure that she was safe. But she never would have thought that he needed her presence as much as she needed his.

Maybe a part of him liked pretending that his life wasn't in danger and being able to live some semblance of a normal life. Sure, having her baby him had to be annoying, but didn't it also indicate that she cared about him? Did watching her live a carefree student life give him the motivation to keep going? Did it remind him of a more innocent time? And if so, could she really take that away from him?

Conan had invested an awful lot into keeping her in the dark. Could he deal with the knowledge that all his efforts were for nothing? That he had thrown away his morals and bruised his soul only to fail? How would he be able to live with himself?

She'd fooled him once. Maybe she could do it again. He never had to know that she knew...

What was she thinking? When did she become such the hypocrite? How could she even consider this? She was thinking in circles! She remembered her own words to Ai just earlier today. Do you want an illusory peace of mind?

And she remembered Ai's response. Sometimes peace of mind is all a person can give.

Was it really better for him to know? Was it really necessary for her to push this? For the first time Ran thought she actually understood why Shinichi had made the choices that he did.

Ran stared deeply into Conan's blue eyes for a long moment, and she made her decision.

Footnotes:

(1) Akemi Miyano was Ai's sister. She was also a part of the Black Organization, but she was able to lead more of a normal life than her sister the scientist. Akemi made a deal with Gin to buy freedom for her and her sister, and she ended up losing her life in the process. See episodes 128-129.

(2) Episode 189: The Desperate Revival - The Wounded Great Detective. Conan was shot and he needed a blood transfusion of a type that the hospital just happened to run out of. Ran immediately volunteered to be a donor on the certainty that she and Conan share the same blood type. This is important because Ran and Shinichi share the same blood type, and this leads Conan to realize that Ran had known who he truly was for some time.

(3) In the same episode, Conan realized that Ran had been walking around with the knowledge that he was Shinichi for quite some time without him even suspecting. He came very close to deciding to tell her the truth on the grounds that if she already knew then there was no longer a reason to hide it. Ai convinced him that this would be a bad idea and came up with a plan to convince Ran that she was wrong.

(4) Heiji is a fan of Ellery Queen just as Shinichi is a fan of Sherlock Holmes. They bickered about this once in episode 57.