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Chapter 20

Bruce was positive that had he been paid to be Batman, there was no sum to cover enough to justify the job.

“Batsy! I uh, wasn’t expectin’ ya.” Joker cleared his throat and grunted when he shoved Scarecrow back down to the ground. “Mind uh, waiting five minutes?”

Bruce was tempted to take him up on that offer. Only instead of five minutes, he would turn around and pretend he hadn’t found anything. Just walk away as if the lead he had gotten from that bum on the street was just the ramblings of a mad man. Yes. Leaving and curling up in his bed was looking more and more appealing the longer his face twitched at the scene before him.

“I think you broke the Bat Man.”

“Shut up, Highness.”

“Princess.” Two-Face corrected.

Joker grit his teeth together. “Shut. Up. Harvey.”

Harley giggled.

Batman backed out of the rather large bay window slowly and stood back on the balcony. This was not how he was planning to find Harvey Dent. The fact a homeless man on the side of the street was ranting about a guy with half his face burnt under a scarf carrying a box of groceries was ludicrous enough. (Though not enough to ignore considering it was his only lead so far looking for the man...) This was just the icing on the cake.

“Seriously, Batsy. Give us uh, five minutes and we’ll be ready to welcome you in. Maybe we can make some pancakes. Harvey’s really good at that baking stuff. Harley-girl, too.”

Batman frowned and took a deep breath. “Does that five minutes include the time it will take for you all to put your clothes back on?”

“Wow, did you hurt your throat trying to say all that in one breath?”

“Shush, Highness. Stop interrupting the adults while they’re talking.”

“If you get off me, than I will.”

“Nah uh, no Harvey snuggles for you today. You’re all mine.”

“Puddin’~” Harley whined and shook her head, pigtails tossing back and forth. “That’s no fair! I want ‘ya hugs all to myself.”

“Shush, Harley-girl.”

Batman sighed and debated throwing a gas grenade in the room. The way everyone was tangled together on the floor it’s not like they could dodge or get out of the way. Well, maybe Harvey could considering he was on the top of the pile. Well, he wasn’t really a part of it. He and Harley (Batman assumed it was Ms. Quinzel anyway) were off to the sides looking to pull the Scarecrow or Joker apart respectively. In all his years of life and fighting crime, Bruce was fairly certain seeing a naked Joker clinging to a nude Scarecrow was not on his list of things he expected to see. Or ever wanted to see.

The fact Harley and Harvey were dressed down to their underwear did not help things either.

“Would you let go of Princess already? The Batman’s right there! We have other things to be concerned about.” Harvey snarled and grabbed at the Joker’s shoulder. He was surely smothering Jonathan and that was not what they needed when running should be at the forefront of their minds. Well maybe not Joker’s mind but that wasn’t important.

“What’s your rush? Batman’s not going anywhere.” Joker chuckled and sat up dragging a struggling Scarecrow with him. And Highness thought he could avoid washing his underwear. Silly little field beast. “Care to do laundry with us? I’m sure your suit could use it.”

“Laundry?” Bruce lifted an eyebrow. That was it. Batman reached around from behind his belt and took off a tiny clip and tossed it into the room. Harvey cursed and Harley let out a tiny squeal. Joker laughed and Scarecrow groaned as the sleeping gas left the tiny pellet. Batman was only thankful that the scene was so out there and the villains so off guard that it had worked. Four bodies hit the ground swiftly enough and Batman was happy that now his only difficulty would be transporting the four of them back to Arkham.

But really - laundry?

Jonathan had never been so mortified in his life.

He was currently sitting in the back of the batmobile rocking against Harvey dressed in nothing more than his underwear and a blanket. In the front seat sat the Joker with Harley in his lap both giggling quietly. (He wasn’t quite sure how that had worked out, being unconscious at the time, but it was obvious Batman regretted the move.) Harvey was still asleep. And drooling. Jonathan tried not to shiver when the man’s head came back in his direction from the vehicle moving.

Regardless, having his most hated enemy finding him rolling on the ground and naked while being tackled by an equally naked and determined Joker was something he could never live down. Scarecrow was already a laughing stock thanks to the broken leg he did not need this added to his resume.

Laundry.

Joker wanted to do the laundry as a group. The jealous, vindictive bastard had decided that he was going to catch up on all the activities that Harvey and Jonathan had done while alone together. And that included the group laundry sessions that had stripped Harvey and Jonathan down to their britches. However, the Joker didn’t know the meaning of decency or moderation. So, he decided that if they were going to do all the laundry, they were going to do all the laundry. And that included the underwear.

Thus, Joker stripped down to his birthday suit and then tackled Jonathan fully intending to rip off the apparently offending garments. Oh, Harley and Harvey had fought valiantly trying to save him, but they failed. Joker had literally ripped his boxers from his body and tossed them across the room. And just before he could gather his dignity and escape to find a blanket, the Batman had arrived busting in through the bay window in the living room.

A perfect end to a perfect day.

“Can I convince you to just throw me out of the car and hope I break my neck?” Jonathan muttered aloud. “I’m foreseeing a much better ending that way.”

“Stop uh, trying to kill yourself Highness. That body doesn’t belong to you so you can’t do with it what you please.”

Harley growled. She hated it when Joker referred to Crane as something that belonged to him. The only body that should belong to Mr. J was hers! However, there were feelings to consider, too. “Yeah! Don’t make Mr. J angry!”

“I hate you both.”

“Quiet.” Batman growled. He needed longer lasting sedatives. They should not have woken up so soon. At least Harvey was still asleep.

“You need to lighten up, Batsy.”

“Quiet.”

“And a bigger vocabulary.”

“Please, please just end it now Bat Man. I’ll behave and let you have an easy time of it. Just snap my neck. Something.”

“What’d I just tell you!?”

“SILENCE!”

A great quiet settled over the car after Bruce’s angry, frightening, outburst. But it was not to last however, as a slight giggling started from Harley. That turned into all out guffawing from the Joker. Scarecrow, however, just buried his face into Harvey’s shoulder and apparently tried to will himself back to sleep.

Bruce could not get back to Arkham fast enough.

Joan stared at the line-up of four at the front of Arkham gate as the Batman sped away in his tank. They were handcuffed (and ankle cuffed, Joan realized as she looked down) and from what she could see from under the blankets in their underwear. All four of them. Joker, Jonathan Crane, Harley Quinzel (or so Joan assumed under all that face paint and pigtails) and Harvey Dent. “Did, did the Batman do this to you all?”

“Yes.”

“Shut up, Joker.” Scarecrow snarled. “You did this to us and don’t even try to deny it.”

“Seconded.” Harvey muttered and rubbed his coin in his hand behind his back.

“You would.” Joker snickered. “Two-Face.”

“I will kill you.”

“Now now, boys. Let’s not fight.” Harley smiled. Arkham, an apartment. Didn’t matter where she was as long as her Mr. J was around. “Batman just caught us at a bad time, Joan.”

“We were doing Laundry.”

“May we proceed with check-in, Joan?” Jonathan moaned. “I feel any more time in these two lunatics presence may permanently damage my brain.”

“Like it isn’t damaged enough already.”

“I swear Joker, leave Princess alone.”

“I will when you stop hovering like his mommy!”

“All of you quiet!” Joan shouted. “Let’s just, get you all inside and sort this out.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Joan didn’t get paid enough to deal with this.