This is parody. Be warned(:

sAkUrAfUjI2958858200283 doesn't exist, of course. Neither does a BeAuTiFuL sUgArY sWeEt LoVe StOrY pAiRiNg EsSaY. Sorry about that.

How Not to Write a Pairing Essay.

Four short pointers on how to not write a pairing essay.

All excerpts taken from a BeAuTiFuL sUgArY sWeEt LoVe StOrY pAiRiNg EsSaY by sAkUrAfUjI2958858200283

--

1. You begin with an author’s note- keep the spelling clean, remember the disclaimer, and please! NO CHAT LANGUAGE!

--

Example:

Sakura-chan: Hey, u guyz. Dis is Sakura-chan! N dis is Shusuke Fuji mai bf! Shusuke do da disclaimer plzz.

Shusuke: Prince of Tennis doesnt belong to Sakura-chan, but she is mai gf, so u cant steal her.

Sakura-chan: Yayayayay, thx Shusuke-kun, I luv u! Aniwaizz, I hope u lyk dis SA! Thx! Plzz R&R! Also, dis is mai frist SA or ficcy, so be nyce! No flamez or I wont update!

--

-Apple’s Comments: Note- HIS NAME IS FUJI SYUUSUKE. ENGRAVE THAT IN YOUR BRAIN. Please remember that in Japanese, surnames come first. And another tip- don’t talk about ‘SA’ unless you’re talking about the Sturmabteilung. SA does not mean essay. And if the spelling in the example above does not make you cringe/burn your eyes out/jump off a cliff/drink melaminified China milk to make yourself get kidney stones, go back to primary school.

--

2. Please remember that no matter how cute you might think a pairing is, it might not always work. Try to stick to canon pairings, unless you can find solid proof that those two in mention are truly a proper pair.

--

Example:

The pairing I am writing about is Horio Satoshi x Tanishi Kei. I think this pairing is really cute. My reasons for this are because they both have hair.

--

-Apple’s Comments: Please do not give random reasons like the one mentioned above. This is equivalent to saying that Jackal should go out with Mr. Shannon, because they both do not have hair.

--

Continued:

I think they are also a very fitting pairing because they are both quite ugly. Also, during the first few OVAs, you can see Horio staring quite intently at his boyfriend- I mean, at Tanishi. This is proof of their true love.

--

-Apple’s Comments: That was not proof. Horio could have been looking at Echizen instead. And actually, the OVA does not show him looking at the game at all. Seriously, dude, the only person it shows him looking at is KIKUMARU. Does that mean he’s in love with Eiji? I thinketh not.

--

3. Oh, and remember your introduction. Keep it simple; simple is safe. Explain what your essay will be about in easy words. Summarize each point you’re going to write about. Don’t ramble on about nothing and/or irrelevant things.

--

Example:

The pairing essay that I am writing about is a class assignment for English class, as well as to post on my fanfiction account. We are meant to find a pairing to write about- and find solid proof that this pairing could be canon. I chose Horio Satoshi and Tanishi Kei because, seriously, I’m certain they belong together. We were supposed to plan this essay during class, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent the whole lesson playing hangman with my best friend who sits next to me. God, I hate my English teacher. He’s so boring; he has this boring, droning voice, and I swear he’s gay. I saw him making out with my Math teacher one day. I should write about them instead of the pairing I am about to write about, but I would get a failing grade. Or maybe I could blackmail my teacher into giving me full marks. Hehe, I’m evil like that. That’s exactly the reason why Shusuke-kun is in love with me. Although, my best friend was in love with Shusuke-kun too, but then he liked me more because I was more sadistic than my best friend. We made up, though, so everything is okay with us now. She’s currently dating Tezuka. That way, we can double date. Anyway, end of my introduction, these are my main paragraphs below!

--

-Apple’s Comments: Long, irrelevant, boring, irrelevant, pointless, irrelevant, senseless, irrelevant, oh, and did I mention irrelevant? No anime character inserts! Everyone will think you’re crazy- like, oh look! I’m dating an ANIME CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. They’ll all be like, ‘Get a life, man, you suck.’

(Besides, what our darling Sakura here doesn’t know is that when Tezuka and Fuji go off for a bathroom break together, on their ‘double dates’, they will end up making out and staying in the toilets for half and hour. Sorry, girls.)

--

4. Do the same thing with your conclusion. At the end, write down the main, main point of the essay, and your final, personal analysis and conclusion. Keep the writing formal, and don’t add any personal effects until the very end.

--

Example:

Wow, it’s finally the end of this essay! I’ve written a LOT, haven’t I? LOL, I’m so proud of myself. Like, over 200 words, yo! Yeah, anyways, Horio and Tanishi. My final point is that I think Horio and Tanishi should totally get together. Why? Because Horio will grow up to look kind of like Tanishi, and we all know that Tanishi’s in love with himself, so he’s end up being in love with Horio! Hahahahaha, isn’t that awesome? And they’ll end up having cuteUGLY children later on in life. Even though guys can’t get pregnant. You know, it would be funny if guys could get pregnant. I bet Horio would be the uke, cause, you know, seme!Horio just looks and sounds so totally wrong. As wrong as Tezuka and Fuji being together, which is something that will never, ever happen. Yeah, anyways, this is the end of my conclusion, and therefore the end of my whole essay! The main point is that Horio and Tanishi should, like, go hook up right now! Like, blind date, man! And produce the ugliest babies in the history of ugly babies! LAWLZ! Thanks for reading! Please read and review, and remember- no flames or I won’t ever, ever write again!

--

-Apple’s Comments: This goes without saying that this is terrible. Seriously! This is like blasphemy, saying that Tezuka and Fuji being together is wrong. Because it so is not. I bet they make out every day in the clubroom. And really, Sakura, hon, please try not to scar our brain with images of Horio and Tanishi’s children. First thing- the actual pairing itself will never happen, okay? Sorry ‘bout that.

--

5. And here is a bonus for all my loverly readers! (And yes, I AM speaking as Apple, and not as Sakura.)

--

“Uh, Tanishi-san.” Horio said, looking down at his feet and therefore his shoes also. “I have something to say to you…”

“Really?” Tanishi looked down at the freshman, seemingly uninterested at the midget that stood at about his knee height. “What is it?” He added, because Horio wasn’t saying anything.

Seriously, when he said ‘really’, what he really meant was ‘tell me now, midget! I’m a very impatient giant and I want to eat dinner! NOW!’

“I… I lo… I love…”

“What?” The fat guy growled impatiently.

“I… I really love… Tinky Winky from Tellytubbies!” Horio looked relieved after saying that final, concluding sentence.

“Shit, really? Man, I love him too!” And so, Horio Satoshi and Tanishi Kei went off into their own little sunset and created the ‘Gay Purple Alien Appreciation Club’ for people who appreciate gay purple aliens.

--

Fin.

Reviews are even more appreciated than gay purple aliens(:

I know. This. Is. Stupid. Shit. :DD