OK, no one is doing anything until I've had my little rant. Torchwood 2 DVD was supposed to come out on the 2nd in the Land of the Kangaroos, but has the store got it? Noooooo. I come back from a torturous day at music camp (there was a woman there called Myfanwy, I found it hard to keep a straight face) anyway, I come home and there is nooo dvvvd. And I go back to prison (sorry, so easily confused, school) on Monday, so my watching chances are running out.

Team,

It was after I found the dried liver(?) filed under L in the Archives that I decided a day of cleaning might be needed. Owen, you especially. There are things living in the supposedly 'group use fridge'. And Gwen, I don't care if your foundation melts in the heat, it's not staying in the fridge where it looks like mayonnaise to the unwary. No-one even try to venture into the area near Jack's desk,I will be looking after that area. Jack, you can't be trusted, you may not have realised that I actually found those socks you swore to throw out last time. Just because you are immortal does not mean your clothes are. Tosh, don't think you are getting off easy, you really can't attempt to keep all the spare computer pieces. I know for a fact that you are not even aware of what you have, as I threw out the entire second draw on your desk 2 months ago. You haven't seemed have noticed.

Happy cleaning, Team Torchwood!

...

Hello, I am guessing that you are now back from making a runner for the door. The Hub is in lockdown, courtesy of me, and no-one is leaving until all body organs, items of clothing and old Chinese takeaway have been removed.

Welcome back, Tosh. As you have no doubt now realised, I disabled the over-ride function on your computer. Owen, I hope you are planning on picking up whatever you have just thrown. And yes, hello Jack, and don't make suggestive gestures towards the security cams.

Now, I suggest you turn your heads towards the corner of my desk, there are a large number of black garbage bags. I expect them to be filled. And I will be checking.

Tosh: Start with your little collection of old cords in the third drawer from the right. Some of those leads have become fire hazards and no, you will not need them later. And all the old screens are not going to be stored in my Archives. Nor are the assembled bits of alien tech with 'useful' written over them.

Gwen: All makeup is to be out of the fridge, however I suggest you wait until Owen has taken the various bodily organs out. Also, you may think I have not noticed your little collection of shoes in those bags in the fourth staff shower behind the curtain. I have. I don't care how small your wardrobe with Rhys at home is, I would also appreciate if you removed black bra that is currently residing in my section of spare clothes. I have not, and will never, own a black bra.

Owen: Where to start...the fridge would be nice, followed by the archives. Just because the things are dried does NOT mean that they can be stored with the weekly reports. And if you ever want coffee again will you desist in storing alien teeth in the orange and blue spotted mug? It is quite unhygienic and repulsive. I'm not even going to go into that thing that fell from the top shelf of the Archives onto me, suffice to say I want it gone.

Jack: I have seen the amount of paperwork you have 'cunningly' stored under the cushion on the couch. Also the stack you slipped into the R section of the Archives. It did not belong there and it was not appreciated. And I want the suspenders gone from the top of the coffee machine. Oh, and I recommend looking under your desk, if you leave it any longer the dustbunnies will grow fangs. They're are just teething at the moment.

Now, whoever drew the pictures of the skunks in compromising positions and stuck it to coffee table, that has got to go. Even if it is titled 'The Mona Skunk'.

Thank you for your co-operation,

Ianto

The team stood in shock, staring at the note neatly taped to the wall.

Just to clear things up, Ianto had already written the note, anticipating the team's reactions to it.