|Place Your Bets
Author: KatieBelleCullen PM
Collaboration with vanillabeans - Manwhore Edward bets Emmett that he can remain abstinent for 40 days and nights; that was before the vixen Bella moved to Forks and set her sights on the delectable Edward Cullen. AU/OOC. M for EXTREME SMUT/PROFANITYRated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Drama - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,483 - Reviews: 1,353 - Favs: 1,537 - Follows: 1,674 - Updated: 05-14-09 - Published: 10-05-08 - id: 4576850
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: EPOV will be written by wickedly talented vanillabeans, while BPOV will be written by myself, KatieBelleCullen. In the cases of other perspectives, we'll leave a note of who's doing the writing. Since this is a collaborative effort, the same exact story will appear on vanillabeans's profile – we're writing it together. I didn't steal her story, and she didn't steal mine. This is both of our collaborative firsts, so if you dig it, leave us a review and let us know! Please and thank you!
Also, much to our dismay, neither vanillabeans nor I own Twilight or any of its characters. We just help them get drunk and very possibly naked. ;)
This story is rated M for EXTREMELY foul language, and EXTREMELY EXPLICIT smut. You've been warned. If you don't like it, move on. The rest of you degenerate perverts (and you know you are, you hornballs!), welcome home! Enjoy :)
"Mmm. Edward, I miss you," she breathed.
I held my cell phone propped between my ear and shoulder as I flopped down on my bed, half sitting and half lying against the headboard. Jessica Stanley's stupid ass was talking my god damned ear off, but I was planning on fucking her for the fourth time in as many days tomorrow, so I might as well put up with some of her shit. I flipped idly through the stack of CD's sitting on my nightstand.
"Oh yeah?" Huh. Look at that. This Smiths CD was a fucking classic. Note to self: jam this bitch sometime soon.
"Ohhh yeah. Definitely," she half spoke, half purred at me. Could this bitch try any harder to be sexy? Jesus fuck, she's boring.
"What are you wearing, Jessica?" Hey look, The Clash. This might just take precedent over that Smiths CD. I should go drink some Jack and smoke out with this shit playing.
"Oh, Edward!" she giggled. "You're so naughty!" Cue irritating giggle again. "Hmm, well I guess I'll tell you." And again with that god damned nasal whine-snort. "It's a lacy little black thing. I got it from Victoria's Secret!"
I could tell she wanted me to be impressed. These small town whores thought anything outside JC Penny's was fucking status. I rolled my eyes and wondered if I sounded as absent to her as I did to myself.
"Tell me about it." What the fuck? Who scratched my UnderOath CD? God damn you, Jasper. I vaguely registered this dumb bitch still talking in my ear, punctuating her stale drivel with what she probably thought were sexy, breathy, moans. Mostly it just sounded like she was forty pounds overweight and on a fucking Stairmaster. Where do I find these broads?
I didn't bother to try to comprehend what she was saying. I'd just end up losing precious IQ points, anyway. I cut her off quickly, "Jessica. Stop."
She stammered a little when she spoke, unsure of where I was going with this. "O-okay, Edward? Do you n-not like it?"
"No, it's fine." Ugh. "Jessica, what are you doing right now?"
"Uh. I mean, um, just, talking to you?"
This simple bitch. Wow. "No, Jessica, with your hands. What are you doing with your hands?"
"Um, I'm holding the phone?" She was timid and unsure, clearly wanting to please me, but confused as to what it was I wanted. Jesus, for such a slut, she sure is fucking clueless.
"Are you listening, Jessica?" Without waiting for her to respond, I continued, "Good. Grab your tits. Hard. Are you doing it, Jessica?"
"Yes, baby, I am." She sounded shocked and excited. Figures the slut would be down for this shit. Mental note: tell her to lay off that "baby" shit.
"Pull on your nipples. Hard. Now take your right hand, and run it up your thigh. That's right. Good. Now open your legs and touch your pussy."
She squealed in delight on the other end of the phone, and I could hear her excitement picking up as the risqué factor elevated.
"Mmmhhhm, oh, Edward. Mmm, now what?"
She takes orders well, that's a fucking plus. At least I don't have to waste time wooing this stupid trick. "Pinch your clit. Roll it between your fingers. Rub it."
She moaned loudly as she obeyed me. I tossed the CD's down as I heard her get more and more into it. I lay back and stared at my ceiling as I listened to this bitch finger fuck herself and wondered when every chick I knew ceased to be appealing.
"Edward," she moaned. "Are you touching yourself, too?" she asked tentatively.
I rolled my eyes, again, and with my hands behind my head, sighed as I counted the slats in my ceiling's air conditioning vent. "Yeah, Jessica, I am. Keep fingering yourself."
She continued following orders like a good little sheep and I actually heard her fingers pump in and out of her pussy.
I concentrated on putting Alexis Bledel's face over Jessica's. Something about that peaches and cream shit just gets me cockhard every time – fake tan makes me physically fucking ill. Too bad she doesn't have brown eyes though. Those big Bambi eyes looking up at me during a blow job would be fucking epic. Picturing that girl touching herself for me instead of Jessica was actually giving me a semi. All right, progress.
I was vaguely considering taking my cock out when my door burst open and smacked loudly into the wall. Hadn't I locked that shit?
My obnoxious, overzealous, and apparently, completely fucking door-knocking-incapable best friend, Jasper Whitlock, barreled into my room, tripping over his own feet and laughing.
"CULLEN!" he yelled out with a fist raised to me. "You suave motherfucker! Get your bitch ass up, we're going to Alice's!"
He jumped toward me and landed a kidney shot before I was able to maneuver out of the way. Drunk Jasper was a fucking force to be reckoned with. I never knew how that bastard could keep his coordination when tanked, and he was smashed.
I heard Jessica squeal something about coming soon when I abruptly stopped her. "Yo, Jessica, gotta go. See ya."
I shoved my phone in my pocket as I glided sideways to avoid another blow from Jasper. He'd built up too much momentum lunging for me, and when I managed to avoid contact, he had nothing to break his fall. He went tumbling ass over elbows and landed on my hardwood floor with a loud ass thunk. He grinned up at me with all that stupid shaggy hair in his eyes.
"Well get your keys, bitch, I'm plowed!"
I laughed at his semi-retarded antics, grabbed his hand and pulled him up as he followed me out the door.
It was another typical night at Alice's house. She and Jasper had been together for a while now, and while they were completely different, they were fucked in half in love with each other. I never would have pictured it. That tiny little girl barely cleared Jasper's shoulder, and that was only when she did that spiky thing with her hair. She had black hair and eyes, was tiny and pale, while Jasper was almost as tall as me, and all American tan, blond, and blue-eyed. They were apples and fucking oranges. Okay, I amended as I watched Alice practically dry hump Jasper on the couch, horny ass apples and oranges. They were cute. In a late night Cinemax kind of way.
My other best friend, the gargantuan and perpetually eleven-year-old Emmett McCarty and his chick, the fuckalicious Rosalie Hale were on the opposite couch, bickering, like always. Her feet were in his lap while he rubbed them gently, the whole time calling her a frigid cunt with an attitude problem.
From the floor where I was sprawled out with my head resting on a probably-cost-four-hundred-dollar silk decorator pillow, I called out to Alice, "Yo, Brandon. Where the fuck are your parents?"
Still moving her tiny little hips back and forth over Jasper's tented lap, she spoke without turning around. "Well… mm, Jas… mom's probably blowing her plastic surgeon for a face lift, and my dad is… yeah, right there… most likely fucking his secretary and clocking the hours to pay for my mom's next tit job." She tilted her head to the other side to let Jasper suck the skin there instead – her right side was probably pruny by now.
I laughed – her parents were just as fucking dysfunctional as the rest of ours.
It was a Sunday night, and we were doing what we always did on Sunday nights – recover from a weekend of nonstop booze, the occasional illicit substance, and the always-present sexual debauchery that made up our free time.
My phone trilled again and I briefly thought about throwing it before I remembered it would be my fourth iPhone this month, and chances are, I'd have to wait till the fucking weekend to get a new one if I broke this bitch. Fucking unacceptable.
Having a perpetually broken inside-voice, Emmett boomed from across the room, "Cullen! What the fuck is up with your phone? That bitch hasn't shut up all night. You workin' a fuckin' telethon over there or what?"
Before I could answer, Jasper, that fucking traitor, spoke for me, from between Alice's tits.
"Nah, Emmett. He's a fucking phone sex hot line. Phone boning fuckin' Jessica Stanley on the regular."
That son of a bitch had been listening. Hah, five points for Jasper. I would have done the same shit.
Emmett laughed loudly while Rosalie made a disgusted face and half-kicked, half-nudged him with her pretty left foot.
"You pig! Don't fucking encourage that shit."
Emmett eyed her incredulously. "Rosie. You cannot be fucking serious. I phone fucked you every night when you were on vacation. How the shit else would I keep it in my pants with you gone?"
She laughed and almost looked sheepish. Well, if sheepish were an emotion Rosalie Hale were capable of having.
She grinned and put her left foot back fully on Emmett's lap and smirked conspiratorially. She arched one perfect eyebrow and said, "I just meant not to encourage phone fucking an ugly bitch."
All four of those backstabbing motherfuckers let out a loud chorus of "OHHH!" and "BUUUURRRN!"
Well, shit. Ten points for Rosalie.
Emmett wiped a god damn invisible tear from his eye. "My woman just burned the shit out of Cullen. I don't think I've ever been prouder. Rosie, I love the shit out of you, you cold-hearted bitch."
They made kissy faces at each other while I chucked the expensive pillow right into Emmett's leftover pizza, sitting in the middle of the coffee table.
I laughed, "Fuck every last one of you, cuz that bitch can suck a dick."
A round of agreement went up from Jasper and Emmett, only to be met with slaps and nipple-twisters from their, hah, better halves.
I hopped up off the floor and walked barefoot toward the kitchen, leaving the lovely couples to their disputes. I heard a muffled "Dirty son of a bitchin' rat bastard" as I opened the fridge. Damn, that little Alice had a mouth on her. Fucking sexy.
I yelled back toward the living room as I rustled around in the fridge, "Which one of you drunk fucks wants another beer?"
I heard a chorus of assent from the other room, and I loaded up my left arm with Coronas as I walked back into the den. I handed the bottles out and used the distraction to snatch the remote from Rosalie.
"Hey you prick! Give it back!"
Emmett poked her in the side and told her to quit being such a god damned douche nozzle. I love his colorful language.
"Eat it, Rosalie."
Emmett turned his giant dinosaur head my direction and said tersely, "Watch your fuckin' mouth when you talk to my woman, asshole."
I couldn't help but laugh. Those two were the most fucked up pair I'd ever seen. They fit like puzzle pieces though. Really crooked, dysfunctional, angry, monkey-sexin puzzle pieces.
Finding nothing on TV, I tossed the remote back to Rosalie and occupied myself by seeing how much of the Corona I could drink in one swig.
I stopped when I noticed what was on the screen. "Rose, what the shit is this? Josh Hartnett's a twat. He's more than a twat. He's a twat waffle."
"Shutup, Edward. He's sexy. And you could learn something from his control."
"His control, Rose? Please. You can't keep your hands off Emmett's cock long enough to sit through this stupid movie. And even if you could, it's a fucking movie. 40 Days & 40 Nights doesn't really apply to his life, you know."
Turning so that her tits were directly in front of Jasper's all-too-obliging mouth, Alice turned toward me. "Edward, whether or not it's directly… shit, Jas!... his life, it's still impossible for you. You fuck somebody new every day." She giggled as she turned back to Jasper, who was currently biting her nipples through her shirt.
Screw these assholes. That wasn't true. Entirely. "Fuck you guys. I fuck some chicks more than once. I'm a god damned hero, I fucking recycle."
Rosalie giggled while Emmett tickled her feet. "Edward, how often do you get laid? Not even counting getting head."
I thought about it, tried to do the math. Fuck math, I hate math. I'm a god at it, like everything else, but I still fucking hate it. "Uh, daily probably."
She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Seriously, at least daily. Sometimes more than one chick a day, you dirty fuck. You could never give up sex."
I shook my head and chuckled at her. Clearly, they were underestimating me. Fucking GOD, remember? "Sure I could. I wouldn't because, uh, fucking why? But I could if I wanted to."
Dropping Alice's perky and ever-entertaining tits from his mouth, Jasper said, "Bullshit, Cullen. You love pussy too much. The only thing you love more than pussy is that stupid car."
Is it true? Well. Yeah, I think it actually is. Hah. That's fucking new. "Well, Jas, that's because my car is perpetually exciting. Maybe if all the boring ass in this town were capable of sounding half as good as my car, that wouldn't be the case. But I have better conversations with the fucking Volvo than these dumb bitches." I pointed to my phone as it beeped again. DAMN, would these broads ever quit calling me for dick?
Emmett laughed and shook his head. "You're wrong Jas. He loves pussy more than ANYTHING. I'll fucking prove it."
I eyed Emmett warily and said, "Listen you big fuck, I always thought you were packin', but if you're hiding a cooch over there, I don't need to know about it."
He flipped me the bird and kept speaking, still with a grin on his face, completely unfazed. That jovial bastard. "Shutup Cullen. I bet you couldn't give up pussy if it meant keeping your car. And that's a serious bet."
Rosalie picked up her head from where it had fallen backward on the couch. Alice quit rocking on Jasper's cock and turned to face me with raised eyebrows. Jasper actually took his mouth off Alice's tits and leaned around her to look at me with eyes that, for Jasper, almost looked interested.
I rolled the idea around in my mind. Getting some ass, or my car? Fuck. I do love getting laid, but god damn do I love that car. Fuck it. There's no good pussy in this town that I haven't been in a hundred times anyway, and that shit would still be waiting when the bet was over.
"McCarty, what the fuck do you have that's worth putting up against my sexy ass Volvo for when you lose?"
"Hey, hey, hey. It's if, I lose, asshole, and I won't. And if I do, you can have the Jeep."
I considered briefly. That bitch was fun to go offroading in. But it was too jacked up. I didn't need to compensate for my dick with big tires. I could probably sell that shit off piece by piece, make a helluva profit, and make Emmett weep in the process. God damn, I'm in.
"Okay, bitch, for how long?"
"Not to be cliché or anything, Eddie, but I'm thinking forty days and forty nights sounds good."
A little over a month with no pussy? Fuck. I hadn't gone that long without getting laid since… shit. Since, well, ever. This should be interesting.
No sex, for forty days, and I'll get a god damned tricked out Jeep for forgoing the unexciting ass that I've fucked a million times anyway. Too easy.
I reached forward to take Emmett's bear claw of a hand.
"Deal, McCarty. Motherfucking deal."
He shook back and grinned, clearly thinking I was the sucker. We'll see, asshole. We'll see.
Ruh-roh! What has our little hornball gotten himself into? Hahaha! And how will our darling Edward fare at school tomorrow, as the first of a LONG forty days? I wonder if he'll meet anyone… interesting. Leave a review, darlings. ;)
Also, the title "Place Your Bets" is a working title, that neither vanillabeans nor myself are completely in love with. So we've decided to ask you genius readers what you'd like to see it called. So send us your ideas, and the winner will get the next unposted chapter early.