Homsar Bible Stories

By Fantasy Cat

PLEASE READ DISCLAIMER IN FIRST CHAP

2: The Story of Queen Esther

Marzipan was a poor girl who lived with her father, the King of Town, in a shanty outside some kingdom.

“What am I doing living in a shantie? Aren’t I king of this kingdom?”

No, homsar is. You’re just a poor useless man who is about to lose his part in this story!

“Sigh, that's the 78th time my title has been taken away from me.”

Anyway, a decree has been sent throughout the kingdom that the king was searching for a new wife. The former queen left because she approached her husband to ask what he thought of her new silk robes to which he replied, "That pillow's got a boogery chew."

Marzipan set out to the castle hoping that becoming queen would make her free of poverty. There she met King Homsar for the first time.

Homsar approached every girl that took up his offer and said how he felt about each one.

"My keyboard's got the groooooovy tune."

"Do the dew on the bassett…hoooooooound."

"I'm the shoe of the superstar…baaaaaaaaaaaays."

Then he came to Marzipan and said as he saw her, "That cuuuube has a sharpie naaaaiil."

With that, Marzipan became Homsar's wife and queen.

But ha-ha!! Our story doesn’t end there. Now let's see. Marzipan thought she would be happy being queen until the advisors warned her of something disturbing. There was a very strict rule to follow that no one, not even the queen, is allowed to speak to the king without seeking permission to do so or else they would be be-armed.

"Be-armed? That’s a little far-fetched, don’t you think?”

Do you want the bible people to sue me or what?! They say beheaded but we're going with be-armed. Got it?!

Now then, Marzipan kept in touch with her father whom she got to barely see ever since she became queen. Until one day, she received a message from him. He had been tormented by someone named Strong Bad.

Strong Bad was a high advisor to the king. He was given high authority to boss around everyone who defied the laws of "awesome".

If that wasn't bad enough, Marzipan was strolling through the gardens of the palace one day when she heard Strong Bad talking to his loyal servant, the Cheat.

"Ahh," said Strong Bad. “Soon everything will be ready and all of the tofu in the land will be banished and now all of the kingdom will have to eat meat and become fat and then I will be the king of awesome.”

The Cheat gave out a snorkle of cheer. Then Bubs, a loyal friend of Strong Bad, came carrying a tiny bag stuffed with something soft inside. He dumped out its contents into the deep river near by.

"There you go," said Bubs. "All the tofu in the land is gone for good."

"Excellent,” cheered Strong Bad. “This calls for a celebration. Fresh jams and cold ones all around!"

Marzipan was appalled. No more tofu in the land meant that people would resort to eating meat and slaughter the innocent mammal grass eaters. Marzipan knew her only hope was to turn to her husband, the king. But then she remembered the warning she was given.

Marzipan was no coward. The lives of innocent animals were at stake. So carefully she approached the throne where King Homsar was already sitting. By the side of his throne was a spork that the people must touch if he gives them permission to speak. Then to her surprise, King Homsar leaned his magic spork toward Marzipan and said, "Watch the magnet on the fifth-teeth."

He had officially gave Marzipan permission to speak.

"Good husband I was hoping we could have a feast in honor of your loyal advisor, Strong Bad, so he can tell us all of the wonderful things he wants planned for our kingdom.”

Then King Homsar turned to Marzipan and said, "That sounds like the peeerrrfect med-dal." And the plans for the feast began.

"A feast…for me?” replied Strong Bad. “ALL RIGHT! Now we'll see who should be the true king of awesome!"

So everyone gathered in the palace that night for a very grand feast. A long table filled with Mountain Dew in all colors, giant bowls of Ruffles and gravy and jello shooters and half-eaten Mexican pizzas. King Homsar sat on a computer monitor at the far end of the table he proclaimed, "let the moochin’ nannies…paaaaass." And so the feast began.

Because Marzipan was given permission to host the feast, she was allowed to speak to the entire audience in the hall. "I'd like to thank everyone for coming to this feast that I'm hosting."

"What?! You're hosting the feast?!" said Strong Bad with a shock. “No wonder there are no Smore Pop-Tarts here?! Ugh. I knew there had to be some sort of…horrible catch."

"That's a little mappet to yoooooou," said King Homsar.

"Ugh…," asked Strong Bad. "What did he say?"

One of the guards came up to Strong Bad threateningly. "He says for you to shut up and let the queen talk."

"So Strong Bad," Marzipan continued. "I believe you are the guest of honor so tell us of your evil plot to rid the kingdom of tofu."

"Hey! Where did you find out about this?! The Cheat is gonna got fried when I get home."

"I'm afraid not," said the guard. "The king has officially signed an order for your arrest!"

"What?!" There was lots of commotion as the guards went after Strong Bad. Then, all was silent as King Homsar rose from his computer monitor. "Make that bologna with a rye thrust."

"Huh?" said Strong Bad.

"He says you are to be executed," said the guard.

"Isn't this such a happy story?" said Marzipan.

"But this makes no sense!" wailed Strong Bad. “What’s with making a wo-man, the main character in a bible story? And where's that dude? You know, that dude?"

"You mean God?" asked Marzipan.

"Uh…yeah."

"Ooh I know, I know! I can play God!" Homestar Runner entered the hall, carrying a take-out of teriyaki chicken in his hands.

"Umm…I don’t think God is ever used in this story,” said Marzipan.

"Aw come on, come on. I can do a perfect God. Look, look. Ahem. Luuuuuuuuuke I am your papaaaaa! Bring me the ancient monkey of Juuuune!"

"This is ridiculus! I'll get you for this, narrator!!!!” Strong Bad was carried away by the guards and Marzipan was proclaimed a hero by all of the grazing animals throughout the land.

“Yes,” said Homestar Runner. “Such a happy bible endthingy.”

King Homsar agreed. “And that's the juke platooooon.”

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COMING SOON: The Story of Noah's Ark