|Small Body, Big Anger
Author: Drowned Hopes PM
Once a month, a great evil arises in many humans and elves. More specifically, the females. Saphira just doesn't know any better.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Saphira - Words: 1,040 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 8 - Published: 10-07-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4582531
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The compulsion hit me! I just had to post something. I've been too long without writing anything to post... sigh. This is just an odd little snippet of some scene or another. Not sure exactly how this ties into anything... kinda funny-weird, though.
Warnings: none, oddly enough. Oh, wait – cursing.
Disclaimer: (Insert witty comment about how I'd do things if I owned Eragon, which I don't.)
I can't believe you thought that was a good idea.
Saphira stared down at her reflection in the lake, examining her puny little body. Her once brilliant, strong scales were now peach-colored and soft. And her spines – they were all stringy now, and horribly yellow. And what were those little round things? Where they supposed to be… ears?
It'd nearly two days since Angela – damn that woman! – had appeared out of nowhere just as Saphira, Eragon, Thorn, and Murtagh needed a way to cross the country inconspicuously. The witch had very conveniently just created a potion to turn it's drinker human for two months, and after that left them with the ability to return to human form at will. (Angela had never explained how she'd come up with this potion, or why it had never been mentioned at any point prior to its appearance; she had, however, named the potion "essence of Ploht Devyce".)
And Saphira had thought that taking it was a wonderful idea.
She groaned and buried her face in her paws – no, hands. Useless, clawless hands. Oh, how she missed her paws!
"Saphira! Where did you go? We need to leave!"
Saphira ignored her Rider and lifted her face from her p – hands, sighing. Truly, Saphira, why did you agree to this? You're hideous now, and you have all these useless parts. She peered at her reflection, then lightly squeezed the two odd bulges on her chest. And whatever are these for? Eragon seemed to enjoy staring at them quite a bit, so they must be important, but if so, why is it that only human females have them?
"Oi, Saphira! Hurry up already!"
"I'll hurry when want to!" she snapped. She yelped and clapped her hands over her mouth, mortified. That was what her voice sounded like when she shouted? What had happened to her lovely roar? Who was going to be intimidated by that little squeak? She scowled as she heard a rustle in the bushes behind her.
"Saphira – "
She leapt upright whirled around – well, tried to. She still hadn't gotten the hang of two feet and no tail, so she ended on sprawled in the mud on her butt. "What?" she snarled.
Thorn, not Eragon, blinked at her, confused. "What's wrong with you?"
Saphira flushed crimson. "Oh! I thought you were Eragon."
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Is it just me," she asked, "or is this absolutely horrible?"
"Completely," Thorn said, shaking his head disgustedly. "How does Murtagh stand being human all the time? At least for us it's just temporary. But on the bright side…"
Saphira nodded. "As long as we're human, our magic is gone, so our bond is gone, so our thoughts are private. But still." She shuddered.
He offered her his hand. She grabbed it and stumbled upright. Instead of actually getting to her feet, she overbalanced again – and then they were both in the mud. Thorn swore heavily and squirmed underneath her. "Get off, woman!"
"I'm trying, idiot!" she snapped, slipping in the mud.
"You're the one on top of me!"
Saphira took a deep, calming breath… steadied herself… held still… and slowly pushed herself upright.
And then she slipped again.
Thorn yelped as her elbow went straight into his stomach. "What the hell was that for?" he cried, jerking away from her. Or, more accurately, he tried. Instead, he slipped… straight down the slightly sloped and muddy ground, into the lake. His shriek of pure terror turned into a gurgle as he vanished beneath the surface. Saphira snickered and leaned over the water's edge, watching Thorn struggled upright, dripping and furious. "That's it!" he roared. "Never again – inconspicuousness be damned, if Murtagh thinks I'm ever wearing this stupid body again he's got another thing coming!"
Saphira watched him go, amused and sympathetic, as she carefully got to her feet. She listened as Thorn crashed through the underbrush and trees, swearing as he went. A moment later, she heard another voice – Murtagh's. She chuckled as she heard a splash.
"Saphira, are you near?"
Saphira glanced to her right. Arya was weaving her way through the forest. "Ah, here you are. Eragon asked Thorn to come look for you, but…" She glanced over in the direction the splash had come from. "He, ah, neglected to say if he managed to find you or not. We need to leave, we just found a suitable ferry to cross the lake."
Saphira nodded and started to follow Arya. She stopped when she felt something – wet? – between her legs. She frowned and peered down, but couldn't see properly. "Something wrong?" Arya asked.
"I don't know," Saphira admitted. She sat down and spread her legs to get a better look – then froze in horror. The crotch of her pants was soaked in blood! "Oh, gods above!" she gasped. "I, I wasn't injured was I? I do kind of feel nauseous, come to think of it. Have – have I been poisoned?"
Arya, to her surprise, flushed. "Saphira, you're, uh, fine. You…"
Saphira sighed in relief. "Oh, okay. But what is it?"
She bent and whispered in Saphira's ear.
Saphira choked on air. "What?"
Arya nodded sagely and whispered some more.
"Every month?" Saphira shrieked.
Arya nodded again.
Saphira groaned and buried her face in her hands again. Whyever had she agreed to this?
She did feel better, however, when she got to the ferry to find Murtagh soaking wet. Thorn was already in the ferry boat, sprawled across a seat and looking positively murderous. "Something happen?" Saphira asked.
Murtagh glared at her. "Shut the hell up and get in the boat."