|Of Marvin and Spacemen
Author: Mortal Anonymous PM
Marvin just wants to blow up this one planet, but Duck Dodgers is annoyingly adamant about stopping him...Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 1,641 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 9 - Published: 10-14-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4596340
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
-Dedicated with special thanks to NightmareBeforeChristmasFreak-
Also, for any other Marvin fanatics like her out there.. ; )
Duck Dodgers' rocket ship piloted smoothly through the depths of space. As it glided, Dodgers himself narrated, "Star date 21.9 million and 3. All remains completely still and silent in the universe. In fact, not having a mission in so very long, has left Duck Dodgers and his eager young space cadet…VERY, VERY BORED!" he finished by shrieking into the recording mike.
As he hunched angrily at his post, his eager young space cadet looked up from the book on worm holes he was reading at his own station.
"N-now captain," he consoled, "I'm sure we'll find some evil alien to fight soon enough. In the meantime, w-why don't you come join me in reading a nice-a-a nice book?"
Grumbling, Dodgers slumped out of the room, returning shortly with a comic book folded under his arm. He took a chair near his cadet's and buried his nose in Space Horrors from Beyond the Nebula. "Have I pleased you, Mother?" he spat sarcastically from behind it.
"Y-yes, quite." replied the cadet, chuckling.
The two read in silence for a few moments, until they jarred to a sudden, crashing halt.
"What in Orian's belt buckle was that?" Dodgers asked as he sat up from the floor, comic book draped over his head.
Checking the monitors on the control panel, the cadet answered, "Well, sir, we appear to have hit a-a small moon of some sort."
"Hmph! Lousy autopilot." groused Dodgers as he made his way to the exit hatch, "If I ever get my hands on the guy who contracted that thing…" He pressed the button to descend the stairs, and then descended them himself, followed by his eager young space cadet. They reached the surface of the yellowed planet and stood back to asses the damage. The severely crumpled hull was wedged tightly into its own impact crater.
"Hmmmm." pondered Dodgers, rubbing his chin and tapping his foot, "It's not so bad. A little scraped, but we should be able to spit-shine her right up, good as new..! So get to it, space cadet!" He looked around to find his cadet looking elsewhere. "Hey, space cadet! And I mean that in the figurative sense…what are you looking at? I'm ordering you around, here..!"
"Uh-s-see for yourself, sir." The cadet pointed. "I-I was just wondering w-what that fellow over there was up to."
Dodgers shot a suspicious look the way his cadet indicated. He saw motion in the distance next to a hulking black shape. Dodgers telescoped his eyes to improve his view. He was met with the sight of Marvin the Martian walking around and toggling a small blue remote control. The object he walked around was a mighty huge steel-blue stationary cannon.
Dodgers' eyes bugged as he did a wild take. "Great cream-filled cannolis! He's gonna blow up this moon's planet!" Instantly striking a heroic pose, he boomed, "Come, eager young space cadet..! This is a job for…Duck Dodgers…in the twenty-fourth and a half…cen-tury!" His eyes shifted a couple of times. "And I suppose his aforementioned eager young space cadet." With that, he bounded heroically toward the cannon. His cadet calmly followed him.
Dodgers leapt boldly in front of Marvin, chest puffed, cape flowing in magic wind, causing the little Martian to pause in mild surprise. "Oh, hello there." he greeted, "Are you here to watch the destruction?"
"Stow the small talk, short stuff!" Dodgers retorted, "I'm here to stop you from blowing up yonder planet!" He posed proudly.
"You are?" Marvin inquired, "Well in that case…" He fired a laser gun at Dodgers, reducing him to a pile of ash with a bill and walked off.
"Hmm, this may require a bit of forethought." noted Dodgers, "Cadet, fetch the Dust Buster."
"Y-yes sir." smiled the cadet.
Dodgers leapt at the passing Martian from under a fake rock.
Marvin disintegrated him without looking as he walked past.
Calmly, the cadet vacuumed up his captain.
Wrench in hand, Dodgers tinkered with the legs of the cannon, muttering, "Alright, the direct approach didn't work..so let's try a little old fashioned sabotage..!"
Chuckling madly, he removed the final screw from the supports. He then rubbed his hands together with evil glee as the machine quaked above him. Suddenly, the whole mess crashed onto Dodgers, burying him in parts.
"…Why did I not see that coming?" Dodgers polled the air around him.
Marvin strolled by, pushed a button on his remote, and the cannon repaired itself entirely. Pancaked into the ground, Dodgers made a puss.
"Uh, m-may I make a suggestion, captain sir?" questioned the cadet.
"What is it?" demanded Dodgers impatiently.
"Don't light that fuse."
Dodgers looked from the match he was holding to the mess of explosives he had pointing at Marvin and his cannon.
"What?" he asked, not seeing anything wrong.
"Oh, I j-just feel like keeping my head today, sir." was the reply.
The captain glowered at his cadet for a moment before tossing the match and stomping off grumbling, "Spoilsport…"
Marvin walked along, inspecting the yellowed ground as he went. He came across a section that had an equally yellow liquid puddle, and was in alignment with the planet.
"Oh goody..!" he clapped, and pulled out a cloth folding chair, which he set right next to the puddle. As he was fine tuning his position, the eager young space cadet approached him from behind.
"S-say, Mister Martian," addressed the cadet, "might I ask why you're b-blowing up this planet?"
"Oh, certainly." answered Marvin pleasantly, "If you'd like, I'll tell you all about it over a pot of tea."
Dodgers watched Marvin and his cadet drink tea and eat biscuits from behind a rock, scowling. "That no-good traitorous cadet of mine, frateran-erizing with the enemy." he said to himself, "Oh well, looks like you're on your own, Dodgers. Now, how can I stop that cannon?" He looked to the pile of explosives still piled behind the very rock he was spying from. "Tempting…but no, I must think outside the box of stereotypical cartoon antics…aha! I've got it!"
The cadet and Marvin walked back to the laser together. The cadet was saying, "…quite incompetent. S-sometimes I really wonder w-why I stay with him."
"Yes, I can see your conundrum. Quite a silly creature if you ask me." replied Marvin.
At this moment, Dodgers burst from behind one of the cannon's legs proclaiming, "Not so fast! In order to get to your precious doomsday cannon, you'll have to cross…" Here he threw a number of objects from his pockets. "A field of caltrops! A mountain of barbed wire! A forest of chains! A river of dynamite! Half a million buzz saws! And lastly, but in no way leastly…me, the brilliant and amazing Duck Dodgers!" He pressed his back against the cannon defensively.
Marvin and the cadet blinked at him, then looked at each other as if confirming an earlier point.
"Uh, C-Captain," tried the cadet, "perhaps you should know something ab-about this particular planet."
"Ooooh, no you don't!" returned Dodgers, "I ain't fallin' for any of your tricks, Mr. Traitorpants!"
The cadet shrugged and Marvin simply pulled forth his cannon's remote.
Dodgers did a wild take, and tried to rush forward to grab it, but met with several pointy obstacles. After several 'ooch's 'ahh's and 'ow's he managed his way back to his post by the cannon leg, red marks all over. "So much for outside the box.." he directed at the audience, then threatened Marvin weakly, "I'm warning you..one wrong move and I'll…I'll…"
Marvin pressed the button.
KABLOOIE! The planet exploded into millions of tiny little white bits.
"Ahhh! Noooooo!" cried Dodgers, gripping his head.
Marvin quirked a brow. "Why do you care so much for such a desolate and uninhabited planet, Earthling?"
Dodgers blinked. "Un…uninha…unin…uninhab…uninhabited…" He stammered himself into silence.
"Yes." Marvin said indifferently.
After a few moments, Dodgers seemed to regain some of his composure. "Uh, yes, uninhabited. I knew that. I was merely testing your abilities to complete your mission under distracting circumstances..! Yes..sure, why not?" He looked around himself. "So howsabout gettin' me out of here?"
The three stood by Marvin's chair watching the little white bits float in all directions.
"So, if I might ask, what was that there planetoid?" Dodgers inquired of the Martian.
As several of the little white particles drifted through the space above them, Marvin pulled out a red and white striped box, stood on tip-toe, and swiped a large group of them.
"Kernellius 12, of course." he said as if it were obvious, "Otherwise known as the popcorn planet. You can't have a meteor shower without popcorn, you know..!" He took the ladel that was sitting in the puddle and dolloped what was apparently butter over his container of popcorn. "Would you like to watch?"
"W-Well of course I'd like to." chipped in the space cadet, "Eh-e-uh Captain?"
After glowering for a few seconds, Dodgers spat, "Fine." and plopped himself on the ground, pouting and muttering, "Meteor shower..stupid..nothin' wrong..fool of myself..of all the.." He then noticed he had seated himself in the butter puddle. He made another puss. "Pass the popcorn." he muttered darkly as the sky began to fill with thousands of soaring balls of fiery light.