E

When Bella and I got back to Forks, we resumed our relationship. Though, to be fair, it felt as though we resumed a different relationship altogether. To be more fair, none of that was her fault.

We saw each other most days.

At first it was mostly fumbling around each other, which is an odd thing because it's sort of like fumbling around your house. You don't trip on that slanted step up the back door because you already know it's there; your brain unconsciously makes the move for you because it's memorized the action. You can find your way to the kitchen in the dark because you've got the floor plan mapped out in your head, your spatial reasoning works out the rest.

But we fumbled, we did.

I left the room when she changed her clothes, even just switching her shirt made me uncomfortable, I looked away. I never knew how far to take kissing, it was like I had forgotten what to do - where to put my hands, how to turn my head, what was the best way to angle my mouth, what the signs were that she wanted more.

It was awkward. Well, I was awkward; Bella was the eloquent words I was tripping over.

I made no move to start sleeping with her again. And though she did so subtly, Bella made it clear that she was unhappy with this decision. But I just felt as if it was something I couldn't do again, not anymore.

We discussed what happened with Charlie, and I was surprised and relived that some progress was made in that department, because what we were doing before was wrong. Plus, by claiming moral standards I could get out of some of the pressure to sleep together. So instead, I kissed her goodnight on her front patio and let out a heavy breath once I got in my car. I couldn't say what made me feel so exhausted, but I'm sure it wasn't her.

Since we didn't register for school at the same time and I, in fact, registered late, we had no classes together, nor even similar schedules. It became impractical to go to school together. Although we did still manage to have overlapping schedules, so we met on campus occasionally.

Physically, everything was uncomfortable. I instigated nothing sexually and expected nothing sexually. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was just that it never seemed appropriate. The days when we slept and had sex together regularly seemed distant and implausible.

Everything felt complicated.
That, was not a turn on.

There was even a day when Bella told me she couldn't get an appointment to see her doctor for two weeks. When I "oh really'd" in response, she then went on to tell me that she was going to have a gap in her birth control because of this. I'm fairly certainly she expected me to be upset. But it seemed like a relief? I don't know. But some pressure that was on me before evaporated when she wasn't taking the pill.

She didn't get in for two weeks like she said, then she waited until into the next month to start her pills again. We didn't have sex the entire time.

It was some weeks later that we were in my bed, sunshine flooding every crevice of the room as we laid silently. I said I wanted to take a nap, so I laid on the bed and was perfectly still, but my eyes wouldn't stay closed. Thoughts raced behind my closed lids; vague and unattainable, robbing me of my peace of mind. Bella crawled up to me, laying on her side in front of me to press her back into my chest. She never did it partially, she always liked to feel flush up against me and it was exactly the position she always took. Her position. Our position.

I think I wanted to cry.

"Edward," she said quietly after some long moments of laying there, neither one of us napping.

I had been staring at the back of her head. Watching the individuals strands of brown hair make up the mass that lay inches from my eyes.

"Hm," I hummed, still looking at her hair, wanting to touch it but feeling anxious about that.

"I'm back on you know."

I spent a moment wondering about this, but not hard.

"Back on what?"

"The pill," she explained a bit murmured, like it bothered her to have to clarify, and I knew it did.

There was suddenly a weight back on me. Let there be no mistake; there was also a part of me that was happy, but it seemed small and buried under some avalanche of tension.

"Okay," slipped out of my lips without me really thinking.

I felt her tense up by me and her head lowered a bit, and I knew she was upset.

She's probably thinking you don't want her. She's probably thinking you don't care.

Nothing was further from the truth so I closed my eyes and tried to take a silent, but deep breath. I pulled hair away from her neck and kissed her there. She was so tense that her limbs felt rigid.

I kept my eyes closed and touched her. I touched her anywhere I wanted to, anywhere I was supposed to. I knew exactly what to do, exactly where to go. She whimpered as I slid my hands up her shirt and I was relieved. She let me get on top of her. I wondered for a second if this would be easier if she was on top, but I brushed the thought off quickly and focused again.

I want this. I really do.

She feels wonderful.

But you don't deserve any of this, do you?

I swallowed hard and kept kissing her. My eyes squeezed shut and I worked on some part of her away from her face; away from her line of sight.

When I started unbuttoning her jeans I almost felt my fingers shake, I prayed she didn't notice.

I sped up my movements so that my anxiety could get played off as urgency.

I was pretending like I was frantic.
I was making her think I couldn't wait so that she didn't know I would hate myself after this.

Correction: before, during, after.
I don't skip meals.

Her hands went down to my zipper while her mouth was still on mine and she broke away only to get fully undressed.

Okay, it's one of those.

I took the cue and undressed as well, looking out the window as I unbuttoned my shirt and pulled it away from my shoulders. I was probably being too slow because I had only just gotten my pants undone before I felt Bella behind me, pulling my undershirt up over my head.

Once I was fully undressed I turned to face her, even though I knew it will kill me, I had to.

I wanted to sigh my broken, shuddered breath. Or laugh until I was crying painfully from the disbelief, because you've never seen anything more heartbreaking.

She was smiling at me, waiting for me with this open expression like I deserved any of this. Like anything I had ever done, or anything I had ever been would make this right.

"You're so lovely," I whispered, mostly to myself as I touched her cheek.

She was kneeling on the edge of the bed, waiting for me. What a fucking joke.

"So you tell me," she replied with that same smile.

I didn't have a choice because there was nothing I couldn't give her, even if what she wanted was a simple act that gave me immeasurable pleasure but that my love could not justify.

I laid her down and hovered over her until it was time, then I tried to tell her everything I wasn't saying through gentle movements.

Oddly enough, my relationship with my parents was better than it ever had been.

It had always been a good relationship, but it felt more real now. Like it wasn't just an unspoken truth, it was tested and proved. Embarrassing as it may have been, mortifying that they knew my personal business and mistakes, I tried to have gratitude instead of slipping into the easily accessible land of anger. It was a conscious move on my part, odd but doable.

Alice was proud of herself but unhappy with me for not "getting over it".

I guess I knew what that meant.

But you can't just snap your fingers and expect things to go back to normal. Did I even want things to go back to normal?

Bella didn't. She told me as much. But no one stops to explain to you what great "new" place you're supposed to be going to. Or even how to get there.

Such metaphors left me with more questions than clarity.

And Bella wanted clarity. Like, yesterday. I was testing her patience and let me tell you, it was some patience. Her commitment was astounding, and beyond being flattering, it made me feel inadequate. Oh, if only the depths of self-deprecation weren't so easy to sink into.

But I realized I was likely toxic for her. When you're capable of recognizing that someone you love would be better off without you… what are you supposed to do? Tell them? Leave them? Force them?

I was all questions, no answers.

I was the simple truth of inevitability: I would never be a different person.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It was the question that was wearing a meteor hole between us. I knew it, she knew it - the unspoken between us had its own zip code.

"Talk about what?" I said, and it felt more like a reflex, less like a real wonder on my part.

She sighed. "So is that a no?"

"That's an I-don't-know."

"Don't know what?"

I turned over to lie on my back.

I was expecting what came out of her mouth next. It was a topic that I knew needed addressing, but the fact that I felt entirely unsure about what to say intimated me like none other. A time comes when you stop absorbing blame and fault and start accessing the situation for what it is. In my case, I looked over at the pretty girl next to me and realized she was giving too much of herself on my account. I may have been a fuck up at a lot of things, but I loved her, and that wasn't going to cut it.

I had to come to terms with what I could and could not give her. Realism and fantasy were lines I had straddled before but now, for her sake, I had to face the facts.

"How long are we going to keep doing this?" she asked. "How long are you going to keep punishing yourself? I've forgiven you, I don't understand why-"

I put my hands over my face and breathed out against them, the warm air from my nostrils warmed my palms. "Because I don't know how to do this, Bella. I don't know how to make anyone happy… I don't know if I can."

God, you sound like a pathetic child.

An odd groaning grunt escaped from Bella's general person. The noise was surprising, as I'd never heard that from her, but her words were the real shocker. "Stop thinking of yourself all the damn time!" she yelled at me, surprising me. I dropped my hands and looked over at her. "If you made me unhappy, do you really think I would be here? Watching you punish yourself and enduring you inadvertently punish me? Give me a little credit here Edward, Jesus."

I stared at her for a moment, her frustration plain but the facts unchanging. "I just don't want to be on eggshells, you or me."

"That's exactly what you're doing though. You're waiting for something to go wrong," Bella said, her eyes wide and bright, imploring me to understand.

"I don't know what to do," I sighed. "I don't know what I can do."

"You're over thinking it. There's nothing you need to do."

"No, but there is," I assured her.

"What?"

Where do you want me to start? "I have to be different, I have to change, I have -"

She shook her head quickly, her frustration making it a jerky and quick motion. "I don't want that. I don't want you to be any different. I want us to know how to deal with things better, but I don't ever want you to change."

There was silence between us for a few moments. The conversation was far from over, she was waiting for me to say something back but… I felt helpless and I hated myself for feeling so. I couldn't be a different person, and that's what was necessary, wasn't it?

"I just feel like this is out of my control…"

"It isn't," she said, laying a hand on my shoulder. "You need to figure out how to be proactive - right now, all this - isn't proactive."

"I'm sorry, I want you to be happy, more than anything, I do," I promised, hoping against hope that it could mean something coming from me.

"I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to be happy with me. This isn't just about me, like it just isn't about you. It's us."

"Yes," I agreed, nodding feverishly. "I've been so selfish, you deserve so much more, you deserve-"

"Ugh!" she cried, flaying her arms once until they came down heavily against the bed. "You're doing it again! You know Edward, if our time apart taught me something, it was that I can't sit back and just let things go. I can't let you make decisions without me and I can't be enabling all this unhealthy behavior from you."

I flinched. "Unhealthy behavior?"

"Yes! You can't just go from one thing to another, you can be so hot and cold, there has to be a medium."

"Bella, I was wrong, what I did, I don't even have an excuse."

"Look," she said firmly, moving so that she could look me directly in the eye. "I'm sorry for what happened - I'm sorry that you chose to deal with it the way you did and I regret that we had to spend time apart - believe me - it hurt. But you have to see there was purpose behind it. It was always bound to happen - if it wasn't that, then it would have been something else. And yet here we are and I want to try to work this out with you."

I looked at her a bit speechless. She seemed determined, and in my own pathetic, feeble way, I felt determined as well. How could I prove to her, to myself that I wouldn't make these huge mistakes again? Could I do that? I could change that part of myself, couldn't I?

"Edward," she continued. "This is who you are, and I'm not upset with you for being you, I'm upset that you won't forgive yourself. Because if you don't, you can't move on, and if you can't - we can't. You have forgiven me, right?"

"Of course."

"And I have forgiven you. We all make mistakes. I've forgiven myself and tried to be productive, learn something from the experience. Don't you think you can do the same?"

"I am trying to learn something from all of this, I am. It's just… you don't understand Bella…"

There's a long and there's a short and they both equaled up to one thing for me: guilt.

I was the root of everything. Bella was one who got stuck cleaning up after my messes.

But that wasn't what she wanted to hear, and though I had no problem admitting this to anyone now, it would only upset her if that's what I told her.

But it's the truth, isn't it?

Yes. It was undeniable.

On the bright side, at least I was thinking more clearly. Living in various states of either intense or mild denial for a long while - most of my life? - the difference now in my head was fairly remarkable. I didn't know whether or not she'd want to hear about this, so I kept it to myself.

"What don't I understand Edward? Tell me," she asked quickly, snipping at me. She was agitated and I didn't blame her. This was frustrating and I wondered again if she wouldn't be better off without me. I didn't think I was brave or selfless enough to let her go willingly.

Selfish selfish selfish.

I groaned.

"Give me a straight answer," she demanded.

I took a deep breath and looked at her. "What you don't understand is that the more clearly I see things, the more I am learning from this experience, and what I'm learning is that I'm kinda fucking ridiculous sometimes. What's the real kicker is that I don't care, Bella. If you want me to be honest with you, the more I know about myself the more I only care about how it affects you. The rest is irrelevant," I finished, spitting it out before I could stop myself.

I instantly had mixed feelings.

Bella stared, her eyebrows slightly raised but slightly furrowed, an unreadable mix between confusion and realization.

"Your actions affect everyone around you Edward, not just me. They change your life."

I rolled my eyes. "Right, well that's an interesting concept but I'm telling you what I've learned, that's what you asked, you wanted a straight answer and that's what I gave you."

"But you have to see the flaws in-"

I shook my head, only feeling irritated that my point wasn't getting across. Other people -past, present or future -mattered no more to me now than they ever did. "I care about what's going with us, Bella. I care about not making fucked up choices because it's going to do something damaging to our relationship. What I'm telling you is that I know I do these things sometimes, and the fact that it's out of my control and even out of my knowledge apparently, scares me shitless. And it isn't because I worry about how fast I'm going to cut some irrelevant person out of my life, it's because things need to be different with you."

"You can't distinguish something like that Edward, it's not a switch you and turn off and on."

"It should never be 'on' with you," I said. "That's the point."

She looked at me blankly.

"I can't change who I am Bella. I can understand what I do wrong and try to change those things, but... I don't know what else to say, I am being honest with you."

There was silence between us for a few moments, long and tense.

"I know and I don't want you to be different, this isn't about that," she said.

"Then what is it? Because it sounds like you are expecting me to be a different person."

She rolled her eyes. "You know that isn't true. If you recognize that things need to be different between us, if we both have things to change…" she looked at me then to make sure.

I nodded in agreement.

"Then that's all I can ask."

Good because that's all I can give. "Okay."

We looked away from each other then, no doubt with a lot on our minds then. When I turned back and looked at Bella, she seemed a bit wary.

I took her hand.

"I'm sorry I can't offer you more."

She shook her head. "I'm realistic about this Edward, I don't expect you to be a different person, even if that's what I wanted. Which again, I don't."

I had to believe her. I was thrilled to believe her. I felt like I could breathe a little.

Maybe this is what she wants? Maybe she gets it?

I stopped second guessing it and kissed her head. "I don't want to argue anymore," I said quietly.

"We weren't arguing."

I gave her an "oh really" look but let that drop too.

"You're giving a lot of yourself," I said. "You already have and here you are, just continuing to do more. How could I not feel selfish about this? I know I can't change who I am, granted I've seen my errors and am genuinely sorry for them but still… I feel like all I'm doing is taking from you."

Bella let that rest in the air for a minute, circulate and then shook her head minutely. "I get that. I really do. But while you've had your realizations, I've had my own. I've thought about it, and I know it's worth it to me, even if I have to do a lot right now. Believe me, there will be a time when you'll have to do the same."

"I am sorry for it though, you don't deserve to have to be put through something like this," I said.

"Then that means I am undeserving of a genuine relationship. If this were easy, it wouldn't be worth it."

Hours later after I had dropped Bella off at her house, I was watching TV in the living room with Alice. Normally, we didn't tolerate the same type of programming, but you couldn't really go wrong with the Sunday night lineup on HBO.

"You're not at Bella's," said captain obvious.

"How astute of you." I turned back to look at the TV.

"You're retarded," she shot back.

I kept my attentions on the television. "You don't even know what astute means, do you." It wasn't a question.

She was silent.

"Exactly."

"I know you're insulting me."

"Me? I would never do that. Now shut up, you're talking too much."

That lasted for about five minutes.

"So what ever happened to that guy?" Alice asked.

"Hm?" I was distracted and not paying any real attention to her question.

"You know, the guy that was in Bella's room."

That got my attention.

I gave Alice a look, though what kind I'm not altogether sure. The association of that person left me irritated, hurt, regretful and confused.

Her face was impatient, waiting for an answer.

"What about him?"

Alice was sitting Indian style on the pale sofa diagonal to me, a bag of chips in her lap. The couch was low, clean lines with no fuss about it. The concept of purchasing furniture passed through my mind quickly enough that I wasn't sure where the idea originated or led.

Her hand waved in a rolling motion in another display of impatience. "You know, what happened to him…?"

I shook my head, looking back at the television set but not seeing anything. "I'm not sure. Nothing I guess."

Did I want something to happen with him?

Alice wasn't done. "Do you know who it was?"

"Yeah… Why are you asking anyway?"

"Just wondering," she said with a shrug.

"Nosy," I clarified.

"So Bella hasn't talked to him again?"

"I really don't know. I haven't asked."

Alice didn't say anything for a minute, when I looked at her she seemed surprised.

"What?"

Her eyebrow rose. "You mean you aren't meddling in her all her other relationships? I thought it was odd that you've been spending your evenings here…"

"I don't know what Bella has and hasn't done. I haven't asked, like I said."

"Doesn't that bother you?"

I thought about it. Maybe it bothered me a little, but I was giving her some breathing room. I looked at Alice again. "Does it bother you? Are we not being interesting enough to appease your boredom?"

"Don't be rude, Edward. I'm part of the reason why she went up to see you. Remember that."

I rolled my eyes, even though she did get credit for that. She was my sister, I couldn't very well just be nice to her, warranted or not. "Oh yes, thank you great and powerful Alice, where would I be without your prying and manipulation."

"Alone. That's where you'd be, jackass."

"You're doing what?"

"A job," I said for the third time. "I'm filling out applications."

Bella was leaning over my shoulder, watching me write and making me nervous. Even just filling in my daytime and evening phone numbers felt like a task when I had an audience.

"But why?"

"Because I need one," I answered.

"I don't get it."

I looked over my shoulder at her. She was wearing a pink and green striped t-shirt I especially liked. It had a tiny hole in the shoulder seam. "You have a job, don't you?"

She nodded.

"Well there you go. It's totally normal. I should have had one a long time ago."

"But you don't even need one, your family-"

I cut her off, "Everyone needs a job, Bella."

She let that brew for a minute.

"What does your dad say?"

I shrugged. "I haven't asked him. I don't need permission for God's sake."

'Convicted of a felony'… no. 'Willing to be tested for narcotics'… sure, why not.

"I doubt he's going to like this," she mumbled. She moved over and sat back on the couch by my bed, kicking off her shoes so she could put her feet up.

School had been long that day. I had been attempting to talk to people in my classes that semester and other than obligate you to talk to them on a regular basis - inserting friendly smiles and helpful answers about missed sessions - they were also remarkably uninteresting. Socializing was overrated.

Speaking of the devil, my cell phone rang.

It was on the couch with Bella, but based on the ringtone I knew that it wasn't someone who called regularly.

She picked it up and looked at the screen before she frowned.

"Whose number is this?" she said, raising the phone like I could read the tiny digits from across the room.

I shrugged and soldiered on with my application. Am I selling my soul or something? So fucking long… "I don't know, answer it."

She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Hello?"

Pause.

"Yes, it is."

Pause.

"He's busy at the moment."

Pause.

"Sure."

She hung up the phone after that, looking at it with a strong sense of… distaste? Then she looked over at me.

"School friends?" she asked, totally astounded, but it not in a good way.

"If that's what you want to call them."

"Why do they have your number?"

"Don't say 'they' like it's an entire league of people."

"We'll that girl had your number," she said defensively.

"I swapped numbers with a couple of people in my classes like the rest of the student population," I answered.

"With a girl though Edward?"

"They can't all be boys. I did it with whoever was in range."

Bella was silent with this information for awhile.

My application was nearly done when she spoke again. I tapped my pen on my desk and thought about what 'special abilities' I could bring to a company.

"Since when do you talk to anyone at school anyway?"

I looked over at her. She looked a little flustered.

"Since I'm branching out with my social networking skills, that's when."

Bella glared at me. "I'm being serious."

I let my head roll back on my shoulders, it felt especially nice since I'd been hunched over a six page application. Six pages? Really? Excessive much? If you have two pages worth of work experience to share, then you probably shouldn't be applying anywhere, you should probably be sticking to one job and stop moving around so much, or getting your dumb ass fired.

I only had volunteer service to note.

"Are you upset that someone other than you is calling my cell phone?" I asked, trying to get to the point.

"Yes," she said plainly.

I smiled.

"Come here," I said.

She did, and she sat on my lap.

"Have you given your number away to people in your classes?" I asked.

Bella nodded.

"Guys?"

She nodded again. I scowled in disapproval, but my point was proved. She saw that and frowned.

"But why are you doing that anyway? You don't do stuff like that."

I took a deep breath. "I told you, I'm being more social."

It was comical how stupid it all sounded.

Bella was still serious though.

"How is that working out for you?" she asked skeptically.

I considered my answer, but then reconsidered editing. "It's as bad as I thought it would be."

Her smiled was a bit relieved, a bit confused still. "Then why are you doing it?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I thought I should try."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Does this have something to do with us?"

"Everything has something to do with us."

"Be serious."

"I am. That's a very serious statement, you should not underestimate its level of seriousness."

She rolled her eyes. "That was really lame. Look, can you just not give away your number to random people?"

"Will you not give away yours?"

"How about I just tell you when I do? Plus, this isn't even like you, Edward. You don't do stuff like this and you know it, I don't like it. I know this has something to do with us and you trying to be different or something…"

"I'm merely experimenting. Like with drugs, except this isn't half as rewarding."

She raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Since when have you ever experimented with drugs?"

"Oh you silly, silly girl. The things you don't know about me…"

I invited Bella to stay over that night. In truth, it pained both of us to spend the night alone; it was hard being separated, it was a reminder of the time before, it was a reminder of the loneliness. But because she was fucking magnanimous and half saint, she waited until I was instigating it again.

And so when the idea popped in my head, or rather, the overwhelming urge that just felt so good again, I spat it out. "Want to sleep over?"

A pity we were at her house and Charlie was in the room with us.

These technical things, so troublesome.