|I am Sam
Author: RandomCheeses PM
Loss hurts. And you get angry when people try to fill the void. Companion piece to '15 things'Rated: Fiction K - English - Family/Tragedy - 10th Doctor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,653 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 10-23-08 - Published: 10-22-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4610750
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Sometimes I wonder why She's still here. I can see it when She looks at me. The anger, the blame, in Her eyes. I can't bear it. But I can't bear to be alone. So I pretend it's not there. And we carry on. I can't remember the last time I had a companion like this. All the others, they were adults. Was it Susan? Was she the last who I cooked for, who I taught this way, who I really tried to stop wandering off? Is it because She was Susan's age when They paid for my mistakes? They are gone. Someone must do Their duty. I must...It's my fault. I must...
She reminds me of Ace too. Ready to rush headlong into danger with no thought for Herself. Not that I travel to dangerous places so often now. What if I lose Her? I can't. I've already taken so much. Barely older then Ace was, now. I remember Her birthday. She was so proud. Wanted us to go somewhere that She could use her newfound status. I told her She was so grown up. But I can't see anything except the grieving child crying out that They left and won't come back. She wants them back so much. But they won't come and it's my fault, my fault, my fault...I did this...
Sometimes I find Her. Awake in the kitchen when She should be sleeping. Her kind spend so much time asleep. But She doesn't. Not anymore. Because She's afraid to dream. When She does, She remembers Them just before They left. So She stays awake. I make tea. The kettle is always on now. The Old Girl makes sure it's always full. They like each other. Sometimes when I find Her there I can still see the tears. So I hug Her. Everything will be all right. She goes stiff, as if I've hurt Her. But then She holds on so tight I can almost believe She's afraid I'll go away too. Only almost. I can see the anger and hate. Because I won't make Them come back. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...
I remember when She told me They had left Her. I thought They'd be worried. She'd been with me for two days. They'd be expecting her back. She looked at me. And then she told me They'd left. That she was almost alone. I remember feeling it. The smile draining from my face, my stomach dropping. She saw it too. I saw Her look. So confused. It didn't take Her long to realise. They left Her because of me. Nothing can make up for the emptiness They left in Her. But I try. I show her the most beautiful places in the universe. I can see She wishes They were with Her to see it too. And I know that the more I show Her, the more She hates me. But I can't bear to be alone.
If you met us, you'd never guess. She's so full of life. Of energy and excitement. She smiles and I can almost believe I'm her best friend. I've always hidden my pain. But I am old. She is so young. And she hides so much pain. So much anger and hatred. Why is she still here? Why doesn't she leave? Why doesn't she? I am so old and I don't understand.
I wish she'd scream at me. Shout out Her hate so that everyone knows what I am. But She doesn't. Not after the first time, when I told Her why I couldn't stop Them leaving. She only screams when She thinks I can't hear. Pleads with Them to come back. Screams at Them for daring to leave her, screams that She hates them. And then She pleads again, begging them to come back, come back now...please...come back...I want you back... please. I hear it. And my hearts are broken.
She is Sam. I am The Doctor. I am 903 years old. I didn't save her parents from the Cybermen. And I must make up for Them. I must.
So... The doctor's point of view... Read and review please.