Being an Investigation into the Respective Virtues of the Characters Richard B. Riddick and Captain Jack Sparrow, More Specifically That Quintessential Characteristic Referred to by the Plebeians as ‘Coolness’

OR:

Why Jack Is Cooler than Riddick.

Describing Certain Events Which Took

Place Between the Dawn of Recorded

History and the Present day.

Submitted to the Imperial Library

By Grimscarp Mansion

On This the Third Day

of the Month of the Athrya,

Of the Year of the Athyra,

Of the Turn of the Jhereg,

Of the Phase of the Phoenix,

Of the Reign of the Dragon,

In the Cycle of the Phoenix,

In the Grand Cycle of the Dragon.

Or, in the 192st Year of the Glorious Reign

Of the Empress Norathor the Second.

By Sir Kieran of Grimscarp,

House of the Athyra

(His Arms, Seal, Lineage Block)

In the Year of Our Lord 1721, Messrs. Riddick and Sparrow drank the entire contents of seven bars, taverns, and other miscellaneous watering holes, including the beer, rum, ale, and even all those odd drinks that come in weirdly shaped bottles, contain more glitter than a Barbie dolls makeup, and have a tiny worm floating at the bottom; a feat declared categorically impossible by ten scientists, seven philosophers, and two wizards! At the end of this ‘pub crawl,’ as Captain Sparrow so eloquently referred to it, the honorable Mr. Riddick was observed by no less than three person of repute (and ten of poor reputation, including no less than seven ladies of the evening) to have collapsed in a drunken stupor, muttering phrases that would cause the most hardy of the Dragon Guard to blush. The good captain, it should be noted, went on to drink dry another three taverns, before declaring that he would like a snooze.

It now comes time to discuss the somewhat indelicate matter of the romantic (and more… ah, physical) conquests of both individuals. Being by nature a rather daring person, we propose to speak rather bluntly in regards to this matter, as we believe that this is necessary to doing the subject justice. We beg the reader’s indulgence, and warn any lady of good breeding, or any gentleman of delicate nature, that they would do well to turn away now, lest they be shocked or offended. Captain Sparrow’s conquests are legendary, including- but hardly limited to- two ladies of the evening who were so obsessed with him that they treated him to a slap across the face at every meeting, a noble lady of excellent breeding, and a goddess. The only conquest that even the most scrupulous of researchers can confirm for Mr. Riddick is a young girl who shaved her head and dressed in most masculine clothing in an attempt to pass as a male- which she did most successfully- which must, we feel, cast doubt upon the most honorable Mr. Riddick’s tastes.

Our most honorable opposition, Paarfi of Roundwood, has often argued the case of the honorable Mr. Riddick in this matter. While we would never attempt to cast aspersions on the character of our most noble foe (we have every faith that Sir Paarfi shall be found innocent of the charges of trafficking in ghostweed and illegal potions, and that he who started such scurrilous rumors shall be caught and brought out into the harsh light of justice), we are not even certain that the Honorable Paarfi has even met Mr. Riddick, while we have had the honor of sharing a cup of tea with the good captain (well, we were having tea; the captain chose a bottle of fine Jamaican rum), and attended a most pleasant party hosted by his companions, the Turner Family.

One instance that Sir Paarfi quotes as evidence is the famed battle between the actor Vin Diesel and the ever-popular professional bad-censoredChuck Norris, and which the honorable MR. Diesel, quote, ‘cleaned up.’ (We would like to clarify the point; this was Mr. Diesel speaking, not Sir Paarfi. Our opponent would never use such crass diction, rumors regarding his actions in certain taverns which shall remain unnamed whilst in an altered state of consciousness notwithstanding.) This is, in fact, a matter of public record. However, the noble Paarfi never mentioned that these are merely the actors who were hired by their respective film companies, not the individuals in question. Is the noble Paarfi so deranged by his ghostweed habit, we wonder, that he is incapable of comprehending the difference between an actor and the character he represents? We most eagerly await his response.

We shall, we think, end this investigation, here, as a further analysis of a self-evident truth would be counter-productive. I invite any agreements, or rebuttals, as always.