*A/N – Hello again. I know it’s taken me a while to update, but what can I say I’m a world class procrastinator. Not too mention I have a 9 week old puppy to contend with! I’ve really been enjoying all then new updates, it makes me so happy to have so much wonderful material to read, and I hope that my little addition here will do the same for you. Please review, it means so much to me to know that I haven’t lost all of you on this long journey. Also, I’m changing my rating to T for the time being as we still have a ways to go before these two “go all the way”. Oh and I’ve also updated the previous chapters to include the original titles I had given them, I’m not sure why I didn’t post the chapters with their titles in the first place though…it’s a question for the ages I suppose.

And last but not least, and then I’ll shut up and let you read, a big big big thanks to the world’s best beta and truly the source of my inspiration… LuvJordan. If you like any of what you see here…thank her!

And now, on with our show…****

Chapter 9: The Divide

There are moments in life when you can literally feel yourself change, you know that you’ll never be able to get back to the person you where before. Sometimes the change is so welcome that you never look back. Then there are times when it just sort of feels like your new life washes over you like a tidal wave and you’re left sputtering and struggling for air, and when you finally are able to look around you can see that the entire landscape of your life has been altered into this unrecognizable thing. And all you’re left with is the memory of what you had before, and it’s like you can still feel that life, like it’s so close you could almost be in it again if you close your eyes. I’ve heard stories about people who lose a limb that say sometimes it’s like it’s still there, it’s called a phantom limb. Is it possible to have a phantom life?

I can’t say that I was really shocked or surprised when my parents sat Danielle and I down to tell us that they were getting a divorce, I mean the thought had been hiding out in the dark corners of my mind ever since I saw my dad with that woman in the street all those months ago. That’s not to say that it still didn’t hurt to hear the words leave their lips, because it did…a lot actually. More than I was prepared for.

They gave us that whole speech about how they still cared for one another they had just grown apart and that it had nothing to do with how much they loved us. I don’t know what hurt worse that they couldn’t even be honest with us or that they couldn’t be honest with themselves. It was obvious to anyone with a brain that my father had checked out the second Hallie and the restaurant had appeared in his life and my mother hadn’t been too quick to stop him. I guess that’s what adults call growing apart, I call it giving up.

It’s been two days since we sat in the living room and talked as a family for the last time. I guess they wanted to give us the weekend to process everything before going back to school. I’m not sure if I’m capable of fitting all my emotions into a neat little box by Monday morning though. Not that it matters much. It’s the last week of school so I doubt I really need my brain for anything other than watching a movie or two.

My father had his things packed when we came home, including the box for all his feelings I suppose, because he pretty much bolted for the door after mom finished telling us the news. I guess I didn’t inherit that ability from my father because I can’t seem to stop thinking about what this all means.

The part that makes me feel like a truly horrible human being is that through all of this all I’ve wanted to do is be with Jordan. I know I should be trying to help my mom take care of Danielle and figuring things out for myself but I just can’t get my mind away from him. I’ve talked to him a couple of times already. He hasn’t been what you’d call supportive, I mean I know this kind of stuff is hard for him and he was acting sort of weird all week, but I just thought the news of my parents divorce would snap him out of it.

The only other person I’ve talked to this weekend is Sharon, her and Camille where over her all day yesterday. Don’t get me wrong Sharon has been my best friend my whole life and I love her to death I really do, but she can’t really understand what this is like I mean her parents are still together and probably always will be. That’s why I wanted to talk to Jordan, he’s been through this already he knows what it’s like when your parents are together one day and just like not the next.

But the last time we talked, Saturday when I told him I couldn’t come to his gig, it was like he couldn’t wait to get off the phone with me. Like it was like killing him or something to have to talk to me about it. I mean isn’t that what you’re boyfriend is for? To like help you through a personal crisis and offer some kind of support or god forbid some advice!

“Sup dude,” Shane says as he strolls through the loft and plops down on the couch across from Jordan.

“Hey,” Jordan says not looking up from the guitar he’s strumming on his lap.

“What’s up with you man, you and Angela get into it or somethin’?”

“Naw, it’s just...” He looks up at Shane for a second. “It’s nothing never mind.” He says dropping his head back down to focus on the chords he continues to play.

“Oh I see, all of a sudden your problems are like too complex for me or somethin’” Shane says sarcastically.

“Well yeah man it is actually…y’know complicated. I mean ya think if there was some easy fix I’d be sittin’ here playin’ this guitar alone in the damn dark?”

“Fine man, don’t tell me. It seems like sittin in the dark is workin out real well for ya so far and ya know what? I got shit I could be doin’ so whatever.” Shane says as he sits up on the couch like he’s about to leave.

“Fine, but if you turn into a smart ass this conversation is over. Got it?”

Shane waves his hand in front of his chest to signal to Jordan to continue.

“Floor’s all yours man.”

Jordan sets the guitar down next to him and runs his hands through his hair and lets out a long sigh before he begins to speak.

“Ok see the thing is this does have to do with Angela but not like completely. See her parents split up or whatever, and now she like wants to talk about it all the time. And she keeps asking me about what happened when my parents split. I dunno it’s just like a lot of pressure, y’know?”

“Well who’d you think she’d talk to? I mean you’re the boyfriend so…this shit kinda falls on you now.”

“See that’s what I’m talkin’ about, I’m the boyfriend. So I’m supposed to do the boyfriend thing, but what the hell is a boyfriend…y’know?”

Dude, you’re makin' like no sense here.” Shane says completely confused by Jordan’s rant.

“See that’s what I’m sayin’ nothing makes any god damned sense anymore.” Jordan says as if he’s given up trying to understand it himself and he bends down and picks the guitar up from the floor and resumes his playing.

“Alright man you obviously don’t want to really tell me what’s goin’ on but I can’t see ya like this and not at least try to do somethin’ for ya. Cause you look like you’re about to jump off a freakin’ bridge or somethin’ and I don’t want that shit hangin’ over me for the rest of my life. So, I’m just gonna say some shit that might help, and if it doesn’t…well then fuck at least I tried.”

Jordan has stopped strumming the guitar and is looking at Shane waiting for him to dispense his advice.

“Ok the way I see it you’ve been dickin’ around with all these other chicks all this time just ya know for shits and giggles or whatever, and that was cool, but now you got Angela. And I mean it’s obvious to anyone with a set a eyes and half a brain that you really care about this girl. Thing is you don’t really know what to do about it, cause you never gave a shit before. Plus your parents are assholes so it’s not like you’ve ever seen a functional relationship. So now that shit’s gettin’ tough for Angela you’re up Shit Creek cause you got no idea what to do to help her. All you know is that you want to. But damn man it’s not that hard to just sit and listen to someone else talk, and that’s all chicks ever seem to want to do y’know. So stop bein’ a dumbass and freakin’ out about everything and just go see her and just y’know listen or whatever.”

“What the fuck man,” Jordan says with an astonished look on his face. “When’d you become such an expert?”

“Shut up dude!” Shane says smiling. “I’m tryin’ to help your sorry ass!”

“I guess all those days we cut school and got stoned while watching Maury finally paid off,” Shane added after a moment’s silence.

Both guys let out a little chuckle and Jordan goes back to strumming his guitar.

“I don’t know what to do Sharon, I feel like a terrible person for worrying about this right now but the way he was acting earlier this week plus now he’s like unreachable when my whole life is like falling apart it kinda feels like not a coincidence.” I say into the phone panicking that my worst nightmare has come true. That Jordan Catalano is going to break my heart…again.

“Well I mean I hate to say, but guys like Jordan Catalano are just not boyfriend material.” Sharon says with an air of sympathy and superiority in her voice.

“I just thought things would be different this time,” I say trying to hold back my tears. “I mean I really though he’d changed.”

“Chase-Face, people like that are just like incapable of changing, it’s not like your fault though I mean you’ve given him every opportunity.”

What really gets to me about Sharon is that she will use like any opportunity to get a dig in about Jordan, like her taste in guys has proven to be so much better. But I just really need someone to talk to right now, so I let it go.

“I just feel like it’s all falling apart you know,” I say realizing that I’m speaking more about my life as a whole and that makes the tears to heavy too hold back anymore so I just let them fall.

“Well then you have to do something about it, you know fight to save your relationship.” Sharon says with wide eyes and a determined tone and I can feel the rant coming on.

“Sharon I’m not trying to fight with him.”

“Duh, I’m not talking about a fight fight. I’m talking about an ultimatum, you know like telling him you need him to start opening up to you and being there for you and all that stuff that he should be doing. And if he can’t handle it then you walk simple as that.”

I hated to admit it but Sharon was actually making some sense, I mean if my Mom had done that with my dad maybe their marriage wouldn’t have fallen apart. There’s only one problem with this idea.

“Ok, but what if he can’t, you know handle it or whatever.” I say wiping the partially dried tears from my face.

“Well let’s look at your other option here. You could just accept things for how they are and never have the kind of relationship you want not to mention the kind you like deserve. I mean really, wouldn’t you rather just know now if this is going to work. It’s got to be better than just letting it drag on making you even more miserable.”

“I don’t know Sharon that still seems kind of extreme.”

“Look Chase-Face, you know I’m not Catalano’s biggest fan right? I mean even before he decided to sleep with Rayanne I just never got what you saw in the guy. I mean I get that he’s like good looking or whatever, but I mean really how far can that take you? I mean that obviously does not excuse this kind of behavior, and when you think of all the other things he’s done in the past…”

“Sharon,” I sort of shout into the phone hoping to snap her out of her tirade. “Was this going somewhere?”

“Sorry, look I just don’t want you making the same mistake that I did by hiding how you truly feel. I mean when my dad was in the hospital and Kyle was like MIA and I was stuck with Brain Krakow as my only means of support I just let that go you know. And now we’re stuck in the horrible mess of a relationship, if you can even like call it that, and I know it’s partly my fault for not being very good about expressing myself.”

Remembering how distant and awful I’d been to Sharon when her dad was sick made me feel horrible. I knew it wasn’t just her boyfriend that had deserted her in her time of need and I should be thankful to at least have my friends to help me through.

Jordan let’s out a long sigh before raising his hand and knocking on the Chase’s front door. It feels like an eternity before someone finally answers it.

“Oh, hi, “Danielle says as if she were disappointed to see him standing on their front porch.

“Um, is your sister home?” Jordan asks shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other and giving a small gesture with his index finger inside the house, then lowering his head to avoid eye contact with the small girl propping open the door.

“She’s really mad at you y’know.”

“Yeah, I know. Did she like say anything about like why?” Jordan asks raising his head slightly to await Danielle’s response.

“Just that you’re a selfish jerk for like disappearing when she really needs you,” Danielle says matter of factly.

“Oh, listen could you tell her I’m here?” He says as he turns himself away form the door.

“Well, are you coming in or what,” Danielle demands from her position just inside the door.

“Nah, I’m good.”

Danielle rolls her eyes and disappears behind the closing door.

“Danielle,” I shout. And just when I was about to yell at her some more for bursting into my room she says…

“Jordan Catalano’s on the front porch he wants you to come out there.”

“Oh my god Sharon he’s here,” I say into the phone in an exasperated sigh.

“What are you going to do,” Sharon asked almost instantly.

“Well I guess I should go talk to him.”

“Well Duh Angela, I mean what are you going to say? Are you going to give him the ultimatum?”

“I really don’t know what I’m going to say.” And that’s the truth. At the moment I’m just so stunned that he actually showed up to talk that I can’t even think beyond it.

“I’ll call you later,” I say before hanging up the phone.

“I told him you’re mad at him, but all he did was look at me. Is he like challenged or something?” Danielle started in as soon as I hit the talk button on the cordless phone.

“Stay out of it Danielle,” I said back almost mindlessly as I got up from my bed and headed for the door.

As I walked through the hallway and down the stairs I played my conversation with Sharon over and over in my head. Sharon had a very valid point I mean I have every right to demand that my needs be met in this relationship. It can’t just be all about him all the time. And I mean it’s not like I’m making some big deal out of nothing here, my parents are getting a divorce for cryin’ out loud! On the other hand he’s told me about a hundred times that he doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to do as like a boyfriend. But I mean how long can he use that excuse? How long can I let him?

His back is to me when I walk out onto the porch and he’s looking out at the street like something really important is out there.

“Hey,” I say cautiously.

It seems to startle him anyway and he turns around to face me.

“Oh, hey,” he says running his hand through his hair.

I want so badly to fling myself into his arms and let his touch chase away all the hurt and anger that’s been building inside me for the past few days, but I don’t because I don’t even know why he’s here.

“So, what are you doing here?”

“I uh, I don’t know I thought maybe you might want to get outta the house for a while. Y’know ‘cause of everything that’s been goin’ on.”

I have to restrain myself from giving that sentence more meaning than it actually has and believing that he really has had some kind of epiphany in the last 48 hours. I also know that if I get in his car I won’t be able to control the course of events enough to get out all the things I need to say.

“Can we go for a walk? I kind of need the fresh air.”

Jordan nods in response and we head down the steps. He makes no attempt to grab my hand once we reach the sidewalk, because he’s too busy chewing his thumb nail, a nervous habit that used to be cute before I was able to recognize it as a tell tale sign of a frustrating conversation that lay ahead.

“I wasn’t really expecting you to come by; you haven’t really been around too much lately.” I say trying to suppress my instinct to just release all my bottled up emotions instantly.

“Well we had that gig last night, and we were rehearsing all day yesterday workin’ out these new songs cause the timing just wasn’t…coming…together,” he starts trailing off towards the end of the sentence and then lets out a long sigh.

“Look, I – I’m sorry. I should’ve come by sooner.”

“Yeah, you should have.” I say no longer doing such a great job of masking my frustration.

“I’m here now,” he says with a little too much bite for my liking.

“Right, until things get too intense for you. Then you’ll disappear again. If anyone should be there for me and know what I’m going through I would think it would be you.”

“I said I was sorry okay, what else do you want me to say?”

“What do I want you to say” I say bewildered by the audacity of his last statement and angry that he could be so flippant with me at a time like this. By now we’ve come to a stop on the sidewalk about halfway down my street.

“I’m sorry Jordan, but I don’t exactly have a script to make this easier on you. Maybe you should ask Brian to write one up for you next time!”

He finally breaks eye contact with me and I can tell by the dejected and shameful look on his face that I’ve gone too far.

“Well excuse me, but my whole life is falling apart and my so-called boyfriend is no where to be found. I think I have the right to be upset!”

“Look, I’m here and I’m trying, but all you want to do is yell at me.”

“My-parents-are-getting-a-divorce, and you vanish on me…I think you deserve it!”

“So they split up, it happens all the time. It doesn’t change anything. They’re still your parents and they’re still gonna be there for you y’know. They’re just not together anymore that’s all.”

“I can’t believe this, is everything that simple to you. No big deal you’re family’s just falling apart! Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?”

“No Angela I don’t okay. Because my parents where such a fucking disaster that when they finally split it was like a fucking miracle okay.

He turned his back to me again, so that it was impossible to read his face. I took a second to finally take a deep breath, so that when I spoke again I was no longer yelling, but my tone still held all of its previous anger and disappointment.

“You know I just wanted to be able to believe that I could depend on you. That even though things were falling apart I could still count on you, on us, to make it through together. That somehow as long as I had you everything would be okay. But now I’m not so sure I’ll ever be able to count on you for that. So, maybe…maybe it’s better to know that now.”

“What are you saying,” he asked finally turning back around to face me.

“I’m saying…I don’t know. I mean how long am I supposed to wait for you to figure out how to do this?” I ask gesturing between us to signal to him that I mean our relationship.

“I told you from the beginning I didn’t know what I was doing. I never promised I wouldn’t fuck up sometimes.”

“I know that Jordan, but I didn’t think I’d have to spell something like this out for you. I mean I just think if you really care about someone…”

“Angela,” he says interrupting me with a pleading tone and an attempt to pull me to him.

I move away from him and cross my arms in front of my chest to let him know he’ll not be ending this that easily. It was also an act of self-preservation because I had a tendency to loose my resolve whenever we came into physical contact.

“I do care, you know that. It’s just that this kinda stuff is hard for me.”

“Well, then let me make it easier for you. You better figure out a way to get better at this stuff, because I can’t keep doing this Jordan. I just can’t.”

And with tears welling up in my eyes I took one last look at his face and waited for him to show me some kind of sign that I had gotten through to him and when I was met with his usual stoic stare I turned and left him standing there on the sidewalk alone.

I know it wasn’t the grand sweeping gesture that Sharon had in mind when she told me to put my foot down, but it was a giant leap of faith for me and I trembled the entire way home from the feeling of his eyes on my back and the thought that maybe I had just put the death blow to our relationship, and the idea terrified me.

What did I just do?