Author's Note: Thanks again for all of your kind reviews, they are a real motivator for me to put aside my own novel this month and delve back into the world of Shadowhunters and Warlocks. Also to blame cough*thank*cough for that is my lovely beta whitelady, who is an absolute doll for beta reading this chapter at two o'clock in the morning. Any mistakes are mine. Again, The Mortal Instruments series and characters belong to Cassandra Clare. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." ~ C.S. Lewis

Chapter Three

Jigsaw

Half of the night had passed by the time Alec and Jace made their way back to the Penhallow estate.

Alec had swiftly dispatched the Drevak demon that caught them unawares in the forest. Jace had, uncharacteristically, stood by and watched, fighting battles in his own head that were far more critical than any minor demon attack.

The two friends and almost lovers made their way back through the forest to where their horses were tied. Neither of them spoke about what had happened in the woods; not a single word about the touches and kisses they had shared, or about the demons they had slain. Jace kept silent because he didn't know what to say. If he told Alec he was sorry, it would only anger the other boy, and besides, Jace wasn't entirely sure that he was sorry.

He had been wrong to think he could distract himself from his longing for Clary with any other girl. Kissing Aline had been a mistake, he knew that now. It was a cheap imitation of the real thing, a pale shadow of holding the girl he really loved in his arms. It had felt like a betrayal. But kissing Alec—touching Alec—was nothing like being with Clary. And he wasn't betraying anyone, not really, except maybe himself.

The Clave would not approve, naturally, but Jace saw that as a perk rather than a deterrent. He didn't agree with Valentine's view of the Clave, but he no longer saw them as the shining example he once had. He and Alec would have to keep it a secret, though. Jace was not willing to forfeit his life as a Shadowhunter for the sake of this…whatever this was. But they could keep it a secret, and it would be a silent defiance. It made what was going on between them all the more attractive.

But these thoughts had been forced from Jace's mind the instant the two Shadowhunters returned to their horses; what was left of them, anyway. No wonder that second Drevak had been so slow moving and easy to kill. Its stomach had been weighted down by the meal it had made of the two stallions.

Which is why, at nearly four am, the parabatai—bloody, exhausted, and hungry— were finally walking up the pathway that led to the front door of the estate.

Maryse opened the door for them with worried eyes. She obviously had not gone to bed yet, either. "Did you find her?" she asked quietly.

"No," the boys said in unison, and stepped into the foyer. When the glaringly bright lights of the house hit their bloody, torn, and sweat drenched clothes, Maryse let out a little gasp. "What happened to you?"

"There was a demon attack," Alec said as he sat on a stool to remove his boots.

"Did, did they capture you? What kind of demons? Is that why you were gone for so long?" She spat the questions at them quickly, without stopping even to breathe between each inquiry.

"They were just Drevaks, and no, they didn't capture us," Jace sat down opposite Alec and began to remove his muddy boots as well. "We had no problem with them, really; they just…caught us off guard." Jace looked at Alec as he said the last part and saw that the blue-eyed boy's cheeks had filled with blood.

Maryse remained unconvinced. "But what took you so long, then? We've had people out looking for you!"

Jace shuddered at the thought that someone might have found them before the Drevak did.

"We would have been back hours ago," Alec said not quite meeting his mother's eyes, "But the demon ate our horses."

Mrs. Penhallow stepped into the hall behind Maryse and glared at the boys. "You let my horses get eaten by demons?"

"It wasn't deliberate," Jace said. "It wasn't like we wanted to take a pleasure walk across Idris ourselves."

A dark haired girl sauntered into the hallway with her hands on her hips. "It better not have been Gabriel. If you let my horse get eaten I'll kill you with my bare hands!"

"Aline?" Jace asked in confusion. He turned his head quickly from Maryse to the girl, then back to Maryse. "I thought you said she was still missing."

"No," the woman answered, looking suddenly grim. "Aline returned home less than an hour after the search parties went out after her."

Alec rose and walked to stand beside Jace. "Then why did you ask if we'd found her, Mom? If she wasn't missing…"

Maryse grimaced. "I wasn't asking if you'd found Aline. I was..." she hesitated.

"What is it?" Jace demanded, an uncontainable wave of panic washing over his voice.

"It's your sister," Maryse said softly. "She's gone."

"Isabelle?" Alec gasped.

Jace shook his head, but did not look away from Maryse. "No," he hissed. "No, no, NO!"

"It's Clary," Maryse sighed. "She arrived here with Sebastian several hours ago. He left her by the front gate and went back to pen the horse. When he got back, she was gone. She never came into the house, so she may have left intentionally."

"Maybe she went back home, back to New York," Jace suggested, without much conviction.

"That is a possibility, although I think it rather unlikely."

Jace thought it unlikely, too, but he still had to ask. "Why?"

Maryse blanched. "Sebastian is under the impression that she wouldn't leave Idris without the Downworlder."

"Downworlder?" Alec asked from beside him, but Jace already knew what the answer would be. That idiot Sebastian must have told Clary what happened to Simon. Of course Clary would never leave without him. She would never leave anyone she loved in any kind of perceived danger. She would act exactly as she always had. He thought of how she had convinced him to help her go after Simon when he was trapped at the Hotel DuMort. With a pang he remembered the times she had come after him; to Renwick's and then again to the Silent City. She never thought of her own safety, by the Angel if anything happened to her…

And then he realized the simple truth of it: if anything happened to Clary, anything at all, it would be his fault. Entirely his fault. He was the reason Simon was here. His fault. Maryse said Clary turned up missing right after she and Sebastian had returned from the forest. Jace should have taken her back himself, should have been there with her. But she would not let him. Had not wanted to be anywhere near him because he had hurt her so badly. She had walked in on him kissing Aline, and then he had said those awful things to her. If he had not done those things she would have let him -–not Sebastian—bring her back to the estate. And she would still be there. Safe. Instead he had stayed behind in the forest and…

Oh God. With a burn that cut deeper than the Seraph blade, Jace realized what he had been doing the instant Clary had gone missing, at the very point in time when she had been kidnapped or fled to Angel knew what sort of danger. He had not been there to help her because he had been in the forest, pressed against a tree, lost in Alec's embrace. If she was hurt, he would never, ever forgive himself.

Alec's voice cut through Jace's self flagellation. "What can we do?" He asked Maryse.

"There are several groups still out looking for her. We should hear back from them soon."

"I have to find her," Jace said, and sat down to put his boots back on. "I need another horse."

"Absolutely not," Aline's mother spat from across the room. In his panic over Clary he had forgotten she was even still there. "There aren't any more, and you've proven yourself quite incapable of caring for them."

"Fine, Jace said, I'll go on foot."

Alec stared across the few feet of air that separated him from Jace. There was nothing of substance holding them apart, not physically, yet he felt as if a gaping chasm had broken open between them, one so deep and jagged that it could never be crossed.

"I'm coming with you," Alec said. The startled look Jace gave him was all the proof Alec needed that the blond had completely forgotten he was there, forgotten he existed. There was a barrier between the two boys, visible or not. Clary. Alec realized that it did not matter that Jace could not be with the girl, because he would never really be with anyone else. The part of Jace that had caused him such worry and stress over the years, the thing that drove him to search out danger and pain, it was a Clary-shaped hole. She alone could fit and make Jace a complete being. Alec had spent too long being the puzzle piece that didn't quite fit, but would never stop trying to cram itself into the picture. The revelation hit him hard, and knocked the chains he had been tying himself to Jace with away.

He knew it then, accepted it. It was time to let go.

"Come on," he said, and pulled on the blond boy's shoulder. "We'll find her." They walked out of the estate and into the night without another word.

When they passed the path and the gate, Alec pulled a marbled sapphire hued stone from his pocket and drew it to his lips.

Jace gaped at him. "Did you just kiss a marble?"

"It's not a marble, it's a speaking stone," he said softly, and pressed it once again to his lips.

"Am I supposed to know what the hell that is?" Jace huffed. "Come on, we've got to find her before…before someone else does."

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"Making out with a rock," said Jace.

Alec pulled the stone barely an inch from his mouth and breathed a simple phrase against it. "I need you."

"This is freaking me out, Alec. Are you coming to help me find Clary or not?"

Alec turned on him. He was completely spent. Today had held too much, more than he thought he could possibly bear. From the blissful frustration of his encounters with Jace, to the sight of Magnus's sad eyes in the forest, to the lost look on Jace's face when he realized Clary was gone, to the apathy Jace was showing him now. He snapped. "And how the hell do you intend to find her? In the dark with no horses? Were you going to just wander aimlessly around and hope that we'd stumble over her? Have you even considered the fact that she's probably trying to bust the Vampire out of prison? That if the Clave catches her, they'll throw her right in jail alongside him? As much as people distrust you for being Valentine's son, they are going to distrust her as well. We need to be smart about this, Jace, we don't need to go off half cocked with no plan. We need help."

"I have a plan, to find Clary. I will find her, Alec. And if you're right, and she does break the law, we don't have anyone here that will help us."

Alec kicked the gate. "We do," Alec said guiltily. "Though the Angel knows I don't deserve his help."

The sound of approaching footsteps broke off the boy's conversation, and they watched silently as the warlock appeared from the night.

"Thanks for coming," Alec breathed. "I wasn't entirely sure you would."

Magnus's eyes were sad. "Of course I came," he said softly. "You called me."

Jace glanced at Alec, not quite meeting his eyes, and Alec's intuition flickered. Jace was keeping something from him. Something, it seemed, that he was not keeping from Magnus. "Do you know where she is?" He asked the warlock.

Magnus nodded.

"Is she safe?" Jace asked, and Magnus nodded again. "Where is she?"

"She got lost trying to find the prison," he said simply. "I found her and took her back to one of the cabins I secured for my stay here.

"Where is she now?" Jace demanded.

"I had to leave her in the cabin to come to you, so she's still there."

Jace's eyes went wide and he breathed in through his teeth. "I trusted you! I trusted you and you left her alone! She's not still in the cabin, you know as well as I do that she ran off the minute you left! We have to find her."

"She's in the cabin, Shadowhunter. I'm not stupid. Of course she would flee the instant she had the opportunity, so I gave her no opportunity. I couldn't very well just lock her in, not with her…ability. She's unconscious."

Jace hissed. "Unconscious?"

Magnus shrugged. "She's fine. It was for her own good. A simple spell really, you should have no problem waking her, true love's kiss and all that nonsense."

Jace froze, and Magnus smirked. "Come on, I'll take you to her."

They walked in thick silence for almost an hour before they passed the first line of trees. It should not be possible, they should not have arrived at the border so quickly, but Alec had learned not to question things when Magnus was involved. He was extremely powerful, and sometimes you did not even notice the effects of his magic working around you. They stopped at a fork in the dirt road. Magnus explained that there were two bungalows, one about five hundred feet down the road on the left, and one about the same distance down the road on the right.

"Sleeping beauty," Magnus said airily and pointed to his left, "is that way." He turned in the other direction. "However, I have no desire to be a part of this particular reunion. I'm heading to the other cabin for some beauty sleep. Call if you need me." He didn't glance back at either Shadowhunter.

Jace and Magnus both took off down their respective paths, and Alec stood between them, torn, watching them both go. Up until an hour ago, he'd thought his choice would be clear. He would have followed Jace to the ends of the earth, farther even. But something inside him had changed, remolded itself when he'd watched Jace earlier. He had thought that he was the wrong puzzle piece to fit Jace, but it was more than that. He wasn't the wrong piece at all. Jace just wasn't the right puzzle.

"Magnus?" Alec called to his retreating back. "Magnus, I need to talk to you."

The warlock jerked his head to indicate Alec should follow him. Jace made no sign that he even noticed. Alec jogged a few feet until he reached Magnus's side, and they walked silently up the dusty path and onto the porch of the wooded cabin. Magnus raised his arm and the door swung open, then he gestured for Alec to enter.

The cabin was tiny, really just one room and a bathroom, dominated by a giant king sized bed in the center. There was nowhere else to sit. Alec stood on the rug and turned to face Magnus. He had never been more afraid in his entire life than he was in that moment. He finally knew what he wanted, what he needed. But what if the realization had come too late?

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" Magnus asked stiffly.

Alec sucked in a breath, and wished again that he had given himself the fearless rune. It would make what he was about to do so much easier. "You should know, Magnus. You gave me explicit instructions on when I could and could not come back to you."

Magnus pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. "Did I?"

"You told me to come to you when I realized he wasn't what I really wanted. I did something…something really stupid, Magnus. But you were right, he wasn't what I wanted. I know who I burn for now."

Magnus's breath hitched and he swallowed loudly before he spoke again. "You…you and Jace…you…" Alec nodded. "It wasn't what you expected, was it?" Magnus asked softly, "Being with him?"

Alec didn't know how to answer. Parts of it had played out exactly as they had countless times in his fantasies. The feel of Jace's skin against his, the salty taste of him on Alec's lips and tongue, the perfect friction of their bodies as they pressed together. Those parts were exactly what he would have expected, had he allowed himself to expect anything at all.

But the aftermath had fallen well short of his daydreams. The heat was doused quickly, and no warmth was left behind. Jace's eyes burned with passion when they touched, but it wasn't quite enough. The lust was there, the physical wanting of it, but there was something missing. A spark not fully ignited. Alec remembered the way Jace had looked at Clary after a simple kiss in the Seelie court, and knew what that spark was. Jace would never love him, not like that.

"Some of it was," he said defensively, too proud to bare that particular wound to Magnus.

"But not all of it," The warlock said confidently, and took a step towards him.

Alec shook his head, and sucked in a jagged breath as Magnus closed the distance between them.

"It kills me, you know," Magnus hissed. "That I can't push down my feelings for you, even now. Even when I know you touched him, that you kissed him. It burns me that his body was where mine should be, even more so because he holds a part of you that I can never touch. It takes every bit of willpower in me not to grab you and make you mine again. You can't imagine how fiercely I want to take you right now, Alec. To cover you completely with myself, to touch you and kiss you and drown you in the pleasure of it until there is no room for anything but me."

Magnus raised his hand and softly grasped Alec's chin, pulling it up until he had nowhere to look but into his former lover's face. What he saw there turned his bones liquid. The heat that had been in Jace's eyes was nothing compared to this, one dim witchlight compared to the blinding heat of a supernova. And what was behind the lust—the other emotions laid out so bare in the warlock's eyes—turned the knife in Alec's guts. The cocktail of love and lust that Alec had grown so accustomed to seeing in Magnus's face had been joined by fear, hesitation, ache, and loss. He had hurt Magnus, stripped away part of the confidence and sureness that was the infrastructure of his very being.

In that moment, Alec knew he would do anything—give everything—to erase the sorrow from Magnus's eyes.

Time lost all tangibility. It could have been only seconds or whole days might have passed while Alec stood locked in Magnus's gaze. He'd heard of undressing someone with your eyes, and that was sort of what this felt like. But it was not Alec's body that Magnus was stripping away bit by bit, leaving the exposed parts of him raw and sensitive, it was his very self, the part of him that he thought of as his soul.

Magnus moved his face closer to Alec's, inch by inch, careful not to break the spell of their eye contact. Alec closed his eyes, and held his breath, waiting for the sweet intoxication he knew he would feel when their lips touched.

It didn't come.

"Open your eyes," Magnus's voice was hoarse, his desire and hesitation coloring the cadence of his words. Reluctantly, Alec opened his eyes and was taken aback by the change in the warlock's face.

"What…what's wrong?" he hedged.

"You kissed Jace today," It wasn't a question, but Alec nodded and averted his gaze to the wall.

"Look at me." Magnus's tone was husky and demanding. Alec was drawn to the power in it, and obeyed without thinking.

"I've contented myself with having the parts of you that you would give to me, Alec. I hoped that someday you would let go of your old fantasy and embrace the reality in front of you, but so often I anguished that you never would. It was bearable though, because I knew that you didn't really want him more than me, you wanted the illusion of him. But now that Jace…now that he is no longer just a fantasy to you, I can't be content with being your second choice. You've known the reality of his touch," Magnus's eyes darkened. "I can't keep playing this game with you. I have to know."

"Know what?" he asked, a little bit dizzy from the warlock's words.

"I have to know that when you're here with me, that you're really with me," He drew his bottom lip between his teeth, and looked terrified of his own words. "With me, kissing me, touching me, holding me. That you aren't with him in your head." Magnus lifted Alec's right hand from his side, pushed their palms together, and interlocked their fingers. The simple touch knocked the breath out of Alec as if the warlock was caressing him in a far more intimate place. "When he touched you, was it anything like this?"

Alec shook his head, because it was the truth.

"Then tell me," Magnus whispered, barely audible over the sound of Alec's own blood rushing behind his ears. "Where are you? Right now, where are you?"

"I'm with you," Alec breathed, and closed the distance between them.

When their lips touched, Alec thought the sensation was like simultaneously being surrounded in warm water and soaring through the air without the luxury of wings. He felt grounded and liberated all at the same time. It was amazing. Magnus had been right, Jace had been right. His feelings for Jace were nothing but a glamour he had constructed to hide, to shield himself. He'd been fettered for too long by his own misconceptions. But now that the illusion was stripped away, he was weightless, floating. He wrapped his arms around the only tether he would ever need, and sighed his name. "Magnus."

Magnus tilted his head back and moaned softly. "Are you sure, Alec? Because I don't think I could stand it if I let myself hope, and you changed your mind. Is this really what you want?"

Alec grabbed Magnus's other hand, drawing it slowly up to his mouth. He placed one sensuous kiss between the knuckles of his pointer and middle fingers, while holding his gaze with grinning eyes.

"I know exactly what I want, Magnus." Alec flipped the hand over and languished a kiss over the frenzied pulse point of his wrist. "I want you."

Magnus groaned and ran his tongue across his lower lip. "God, Alec. Don't tease me like that." The fear and hesitation was gone from his face, and its absence was absolution for the Shadowhunter.

Alec grinned cattily at him. "Oh, I'm going to tease you, Magnus. I am going to tease you until you beg me to stop. You can count on that." He looked around the room of the bungalow where Magnus was staying. "Tell me," he said coyly. "Does this shack have a bedroom?"

Magnus laughed at the obvious joke, since the entirety of the cabin was the bedroom. Magnus had, in typical Magnus style, conjured up absurdly lavish furnishings that looked wildly out place. Alec barely even registered them. His eyes were too busy watching the way the warlock's body moved when he walked, enchanted by the flex and release of long muscles under the uncharacteristically monochromatic clothing he wore.

"You look so different," Alec observed aloud. "Almost like a Shadowhunter."

"That would be the point, darling. I'm not exactly inconspicuous, but at least I blend a little better." He cocked an eyebrow at the Nephilim. "What, don't you like it?"

"I'm not sure," he answered honestly. "I mean, you look…wow. But you sort of don't look like you."

Magnus shrugged. "Is that a bad thing?"

Alec nodded and sat down on one corner of the four poster bed. "I like how you look, Magnus." He sucked in a breath, as if he could draw bravery in with the oxygen. "But that outfit isn't working for me. It has to go."

"I don't know. I sort of like the whole evil angel ensemble," the warlock grinned. "If you want me to change, you're going to have to pry the fabric off my body."

"That," Alec said, pulling his knees underneath him, "is the best idea I've heard all day."