Author: MuslimBarbie PM
"I don't love him." "Do you love me?" "You know the answer." - Zuko's unlikely affair.Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama - Zuko & Suki - Words: 2,023 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 14 - Updated: 11-10-08 - Published: 11-02-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4633009
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary: "I don't love him." "Do you love me?" "You know the answer." - Zuko's unlikely affair.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, the couples would be a lot different. The lyrics are from Nickelback and the definition comes from TheFreeDictonary online.
Amour: [Noun] A secret love affair.
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery
"You shouldn't be here."
The words slipped from Zuko's lips the moment he walked into his study and found her sitting in his chair – arms crossed over her chest, legs propped up on his desk, and a smirk on her lips – and he had to fight to not slap himself. It wasn't that he didn't want her there; he did. (Agni, he was pretty sure he would want her just about anywhere.) But she didn't belong there, not with him, and especially not with her fiancé laughing with their friends not five doors down.
A frown tugged at her lips and she removed her legs from his desk. Leaning across his desk, she glared at him. "Excuse me?" Her tone dared him to say it again.
Zuko wasn't one to back down. "You shouldn't be here." He said slowly, as if he were talking to a small child.
She ignored it and picked up a scroll off of his desk. "Oh really? Because you never seemed to mind before."
"That was different." He snapped, jerking the scroll out of her hands.
Her eyes narrowed and she stared at him for a moment – probably debating whether or not to snatch the scroll back – before she shrugged and got out of the seat. "Not really." Her voice was neutral as she began to scan the books sitting on his shelf.
A frustrated growl escaped his lips and he grabbed her arm, so that she faced him. She pulled back and made a gesture to shove him back, but he caught her hand before it reached his chest. Her wide eyes stared at the hand he held away him. Usually Zuko would let her shove him so that when he fell, he could bring her down with him. Usually she would get mad and hit him again and a fight would begin. Which, usually, would lead to something a bit more…passionate.
"It was – it is different now." He muttered. "We can't keep doing this."
"And why not?" The sound of his voice seemed to shake her out of her shock.
It was almost kind of funny how much their relationship had changed over the years. He didn't really remember the first time he had seen her; he had been too caught up in trying to capture Aang. And even after that, when he had joined their side, he wasn't even sure he had actually seen her as a girl – she was just another person whom he had hurt in the past, and just another person who he needed forgiveness from.
"You're engaged." He hissed, his fingers tugging at the stone that hung from her neck.
She slapped his hand away. "I don't love him."
"Do you love me?"
"What?" He heard her breath hitch.
"Do you love me?" The Fire Lord repeated.
She wouldn't meet his gaze. "You know the answer."
His hands slammed the wall on either side of her. "I need to hear you say it. Do you love me?"
Her eyes met his and she stared at him for a moment. "No." There was no doubt in her voice.
Zuko wanted to be upset. He wanted to want her answer to be yes. He wanted her to break his heart, to infuriate him to the point where he kicked her out. Because then he would have a reason to make her leave him. Because if Zuko if he needed her, if he couldn't imagine his life without her, if he loved her, maybe – just maybe – what they were doing be nearly as bad.
But he didn't love her.
And what they were doing was wrong.
"So then why are you here?"
"I'm just visiting an old friend, is that so wrong?"
His eyes narrowed and she sighed before slipping out from under his arm. "Oh lighten up, Zuko." She began to explore the study again and settled in front of his broadswords. "We haven't done anything wrong yet."
He cocked a brow. "Please tell me you're kidding."
"I meant this time." Even though her back was to him, he knew she was rolling her eyes – he could practically hear her doing it.
"And we're not going to. You're engaged."
"And I thought we already established this. I don't love him."
"But he loves you."
Her body immediately tensed. "You think I don't know that?" Her voice was soft, barely over a whisper, and Zuko took an instinctive step closer to her. "He's perfect, you know? He's kind, gentle, sweet. He's going to be a wonderful husband and an even better father. And he loves me. Spirits, he loves me so much that it's not right." Her voice cracked. "But I don't love him. I can't love him."
He placed a hand on her shoulder and she finally turned to look up at him. "Calm down, it's okay."
"Okay?! Zuko, do you have any idea how much he loves me?! The poor boy would find a way to move the sun and stars if I asked him to, because he thinks that I love him. But I don't!" Tears glistened in her eyes and he cursed his inability to be comforting.
Not knowing what else to do, the firebender wrapped his arms around her. "I know. I'm sorry." He muttered.
Of all the situations Zuko had ever imagined them in, this was most certainly not one of them. From what he knew about her (which he had to admit was little), she did not seem like the kind of female who would cry over something trivial. She had been raised to be strong and tough. She had to be in order to survive in the chaotic world they had been born into.
And even besides that, other than their recent (twisted) affair, they had no real relationship. Friends was hardly a word he could use to describe them; they had never really talked much when they were teenagers – she had hated him for so long, after all - and even more so now as adults. Lovers was even worse; there was no love between them, only mutual a desire they helped each other fulfill.
So holding her so tenderly was not something Zuko had ever pictured.
"I've tried too, you know? Spirits, have I tried to make myself love him. But I couldn't do it. He's just so much of a child sometimes. It was fine when we were younger, because I thought he would grow out of it, but he didn't." Her face was pressed against his shoulder and through the tears, he was surprised that he could understand her. "But even then, he deserves better than this. I don't even love you – Spirits, I barely like you." (He really wanted to be offended, but fought a smirk instead; he couldn't say the feeling wasn't mutual) "So why do I keep coming to you?" She slammed a fist against him. "Why?" Her sobs hardened. "Why?"
Zuko didn't know what to tell her, because it was as much of a mystery to him. So instead, he just held the crying girl closer to him. When her tears finally stopped, she looked up at him with glistening eyes. Every instinct told him to pull away from her, that trouble was coming, but Agni, he couldn't break his gaze from those eyes.
He wasn't sure who moved first, but their lips crashed and every promise he had made to himself that he would not do this again faded away, because those eyes were begging him not to stop. They needed this, she needed this.
It was different that night. Sex between them had always been hard and rough, resulting in many bruises and scratches afterwards. They had tried every possible way he had ever imagined (and a few he had never dreamt of). But that night, it was slow and gentle, and she begged for him not to stop. And more than once he had to cover her mouth, in fear that their friends (only rooms away) would hear them.
Zuko wondered if her fiancé ever made her cry out like he did, but he highly doubted it. If he did, she would have no need to come to the firebender.
He watched her from the floor as she wondered around his study, unashamed of her nudity, picking up the books that had been knocked off when he had taken her against the shelf. "You don't have to do that."
"And leave the mess to your gossiping staff? No thanks."
He smirked and wondered what their life would have been like if they were in love. Would every one of their nights be like that one? Maybe, but somehow Zuko doubted it. He suspected the reason they were able to get so much pleasure out of it was because that's all it was for them, pleasure.
"I meant I'll clean it up." He propped himself up on his elbows.
"It's fine, I've got it."
"Suki, you've been gone for hours." He explained and the Kyoshi Warrior froze. "Sokka is going to have a panic attack if you don't get back soon."
She sighed and put a book back. "You're probably right."
Zuko tugged on his pants and helped her to gather her clothes, grateful that she hadn't been in her warrior paint (that time had been a pain in the ass afterwards). He sighed as she dressed, and ran his hands through his knotted hair.
"We can't do that again."
"I know." She sighed pulling her hair into a ponytail.
Zuko watched Suki leave, knowing very well that they were both lying.
'Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?
Fight For All The Wrong Reasons - Nickelback
Notes: This idea has been floating around my head since I was talking to my brother about a Zutara fic that I was working on and I mentioned something about Sokka/Suki. He responded "I dunno, they always seemed kinda football player/cheerleader to me" and that really stuck with me. Because Sokka/Suki really was a little random. I was originally going to make this into a Zuko and Katara, but I wasn't sure if I could see Katara in that situation and then there are a million other Katara has an affair with Zuko fics. And let's face it, Zuko/Suki fics are so much harder to come up with than Zuko/Katara.
The main reason I actually sat down and started working on this is actually because I am stuck on my current Zuko/Katara. And since this idea kept getting pushed back, I thought (even though I'm an avid Zutara fan) I would spread the Zuko/Suki love!
I'm sorry if Suki seems weird. The only character I'm usually decent at is Zuko and even he feels a bit weird here. I haven't read an ZS fics nor really paid that close attention to her character in the show. I'm just going off her being a more laid back version of Katara (kinda like Ginny vs. Hermione). Sorry if I completely screwed her up. This is my first and probably last Zuko/Suki. Sorry guys Zutara owns my heart (and plot bunnies).
This fic has not been beta-ed.
Special thanks to Muffintine for reading and reassuring me. You're amazing.