That'll Never Work!

By OrlandoBloomFn

Rated: Mature for suggested sexuality, Yaoi, and incest. Language. Multiple random pairings during the course of this series.

Summary: This time, I take a look at the non-canon pairings of Inuyasha and work out exactly in what universe they could work. Do some of these seem a little far-fetched to you? Done humorously, not maliciously.

Disclaimer: The Inuyasha series which I am going to butcher for my own amusement belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.

LES: First up, your basic InuyashaxSesshomaru fic condensed into about five pages. Yes, it's that short, but funny. This pairing is the favorite of incest-lovers. Far-fetched? Yes. Gross? Definitely! How it could possibly work? You'll see. Done in the form of a script.

Chapter 1: Beware--Incest!

(Setting: After the final battle with Naraku. Naraku has been defeated, but not without loss to Team Inuyasha. Kagome is dead. She gave the last of her strength to defeat Naraku. It rains as Inuyasha cradles her lifeless body to himself. The rain masks the tears on his face. The overall effect is gloomy, depressing, and dramatic.)

INUYASHA: No, Kagome! Don’t leave me! Don’t… (He trails off, choking back sobs.) First Kikyo… and now you! Am I cursed? Will every woman I love die?!?

(The rain suddenly stops as if it hadn’t even been raining and Inuyasha’s tears stop with it. He tosses Kagome body aside carelessly.)

INUYASHA: Oh well. Now that those two bitches are finally dead, I am finally free to admit my true love to the person I’ve never mentioned being in love with before.

(Insert Journey montage. Preferably with inspirational Disney music even thought this is a story about two half-brothers f***ing each other. Opps! Did I give something away? Anyhoo… Inuyasha eventually runs into Sesshomaru.)

INUYASHA: (Suddenly develops a girl-like personality.) Tee-hee! Hi, Sesshomaru-sama! (Blush.)

SESSHOMARU: Half-breed, have you finally come to allow yourself to be killed by this Sesshomaru?

INUYASHA: So feisty!

SESSHOMARU: O.o Has your brain been damaged by some pitiful fangirl who just wants to see us f***?

INUYASHA: LOL! Yeah! Oh, Sesshomaru! All those times I tried to kill you were just me trying to express my undying love for you!

SESSHOMARU: On what planet does that make sense?

INUYASHA: (Fear PMSing Inuyasha!) It just does, okay!!!

SESSHOMARU: Okay… this Sesshomaru will humor your, no doubt, several pages long confession of love. Though I won’t promise you that I won’t kill you at the end of it.

(Insert an extremely long, un-Inuyasha-like love speech which basically boils down to: I love you. Let’s f***.)

SESSHOMARU: … This Sesshomaru is suddenly extremely attracted to you even though you’re a filthy hanyou and my half-brother. Let’s f***!

INUYASHA: Yea! :)

(Insert very hot Yaoi incest sex scene, which has been omitted from this story for the sake of the author’s sanity… what is left of it.)

INUYASHA: Hey, Sesshomaru, my love?

SESSHOMARU: Yes, darling? (Here is where the author dies.)

INUYASHA: Do you think this is what father meant when he said that he wanted us to get closer as brothers?

SESSHOMARU: Definitely!

INU-PAPA: (Rolls over in grave.)

(And now… the MPreg portion of the story!)

INUYASHA: Sesshomaru, I think I’m pregnant, and Kouga’s the father.

SESSHOMARU: What?

INUYASHA: Never mind. But I really am pregnant, and Naraku is the father.

SESSHOMARU: Naraku is dead.

INUYASHA: Oh yeah… Well, I’m pregnant, and I’m the fath…

SESSHOMARU: Okay, now I know that you’re f***ing with me.

LITTLEKURIBOH (AKA: The guy who made Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series): (Rolls over, wherever he is.)

INUYASHA: Okay, I did make that one up. But, guess what… you’re the one who is pregnant!

SESSHOMARU: (Sigh.) This is why I’m always on top…

(And now the tragedy. No matter how much the half-brothers liked to f***, the rest of the world simply didn’t accept them. Sesshomaru had to constantly defend Inuyasha from attack, since he had suddenly become a damsel in distress and never used Tetsusaiga again…)

INUYASHA: What’s ‘Tetsusaiga’?

(… Eventually Sesshomaru’s luck runs out and Inuyasha is killed, on a rainy day much like the beginning of this crap story. Oh, the drama!)

SESSHOMARU: (Cradles Inuyasha’s body to himself.) Why? Why?!?

RANDOM ENEMY THAT KILLED INUYASHA: Because being gay is bad, but being incestuous is worse. (Leaves.)

SESSHOMARU: Oh, Inuyasha, I’ll never forget you. (Tosses Inuyasha’s body aside as the rain stops suddenly. Again.) Well, now that that’s over, I can go find my true love.

(So Sesshomaru leaves to find Inuyasha’s sister, since we all know that she must exist! Turns out, he’s not gay, he’s just into incest. Sesshomaru and Inuyasha’s sister live happily ever after.)

SESSHOMARU: I love you, Inuyasha’s sister!

INUYASHA’S SISTER: I have a name, you know.

SESSHOMARU: No… you don’t.