Chapter II: "I Thought You Hate Humans"

LES: This one is straight, but in my opinion, about as unlikely as InuyashaxSesshomaru. That’s right! This chapter is about the head-scratching fan-relationship of SessKag!

Rabid SessKag Fans: They are PERFECT!!!! (foam at mouth)

LES: (hides) We’ll see.

(This is a carbon copy of the beginning of the last chapter, except Inuyasha is the one who has died.)

KAGOME: (leans on Inuyasha’s chest, weeping bitterly.) Inuyasha! How could you leave me, you baka! I never even got to say that I l—

SESSHOMARU: (appears randomly.) Get out of this Sesshomaru’s way, dirty human.

KAGOME: (gasp) Wow! Sesshie! You look so much like Inuyasha, except much better! Upgrade! (teleports to Sesshomaru’s side.)

SESSHOMARU: This Sesshomaru should warn you. He hates humans, and would never, in a million years, mate one.

KAGOME: Oh, that’s okay. Because I’m actually an Inu-hanyou in disguise. (dog ears appear out of nowhere on Kagome’s head.)

SESSHOMARU: That is acceptable, even though I’ve always hated my little brother for being a hanyou. This is different, isn’t it?

KAGOME: Of course, my love!

(Sesshomaru begins to mutilate and dismember Inuyasha’s body while Kagome watches and giggles about how silly her new love is.)

MIROKU, SANGO, SHIPPO, and KIRARA: O.o

MIROKU: Who the f*** came up with this shit?!?

(Later, after the sex, which is extremely violent and almost kills Kagome even though she is a hanyou. Remember that, she’s a hanyou! This relationship would not be possible even for one second if Kagome wasn’t a hanyou. KAGOME IS A HANYOU!!!!!!)

SESSHOMARU: Great sex!

KAGOME: I think my back is broken…

SESSHOMARU: Hey, it’s not rape if you want it, right love?

KAGOME: Right, darling.

SESSHOMARU: So… you want to go again?

KAGOME: TWO SECONDS AFTER YOU ALMOST KILLED ME?!?

SESSHOMARU: Of course.

KAGOME: All right then.

SESSHOMARU: Now… where are those whips?

KAGOME: I’m suddenly into chauvinistic sexual torture!

FANGIRLS: Oh, Fluffy is so sweet and sensitive! He’d make the perfect mate!

LES: O.o (jaw drop)

(And now… the problems! Cause every relationship as screwed up as this one has to have major problems.)

KAGOME: Sesshomaru, love, can I speak with you?

SESSHOMARU: Of course.

KAGOME: I’m tired of you treating me like a sex slave.

SESSHOMARU: Aren’t you?

KAGOME: … No!

SESSHOMARU: Oh… but… you’re just a woman and a hanyou…

KAGOME: “Just a woman and a hanyou”!?!

SESSHOMARU: (sensing a lover’s spat) Wanna have sex?

KAGOME: No!

SESSHOMARU: Well, that’s it. If sex can’t fix this problem, I’ll just pretend that it doesn’t exist.

KAGOME: (thinking) He’s even more narrow-minded then Inuyasha! Wait… who is Inuyasha?... Nope. Can’t remember.

INUYASHA: (in Hell) Gee, thanks, Kagome!

(And now, the thrilling conclusion. Damn, this is worse than those crappy day-time soap operas that make you lose a couple IQ points when you watch them.)

KAGOME: Sesshomaru, I have a confession to make.

SESSHOMARU: What?

KAGOME: I’m actually not a hanyou. (dog ears disappear.) I’m actually a normal human girl.

SESSHOMARU: Huh? When did this happen?

KAGOME: The author forgot that I was a hanyou, and accidentally removed it even though it is the glue that binds our relationship together. But that was just at the beginning, right? You still love me, don’t you?

SESSHOMARU: F*** no! I never loved you. You were just a f*** slave! Now you are worthless to me. Your pitiful human body could never stand up to me. Screw this! (he leaves.)

KAGOME: O.o Um… so what the hell was the point of this story?

LES: The point of this story is that a demon whose hatred of humans is a part of his character and a human girl could NEVER end up together. Just as someone I know said when they got in an agreement with a SessKag fan. The ‘Fan’ based off their whole argument on the “fact” that Kagome is actually a hanyou in disguise. And, back to the human thing… I would like to make fun of SessRin pairings, but that one could be considered canon, and I will not be making fun of canon pairings. That means that even InuKik is safe, even though I hate it with the very depths of my soul!

Muse: Well, you did promise…

LES: I know. I had to post this now, because I was scanning a fanfiction site yesterday, and I saw that someone had posted a SessKag fic and labeled it ‘Canon.’ Never before have I wanted to flame someone so badly. But I restrained myself. Barely. For those of you who are clueless:

“Canon”: The original source material upon which the fanfiction is based. Adhering to the original source material. The accepted “official” material. In short, any information that is given to us by the author/creator.