|The Great Hamster Invasion
Author: Red Witch PM
As bad as things are for the X-Men you can always count on things to get worse, and weirder. Not to mention the town of Bayville getting caught up in the insanity.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 3,249 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11-16-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4658915
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hamsters have taken away the disclaimer saying I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Just another mad one shot that's a sequel to To Professor X Without Love. Just a very mad very insane idea I had to get out of my brain.
The Great Hamster Invasion
"Let me get this straight," Rogue held up her hand. "In addition to us having to leave the mansion and move all across the country to escape the mess we made here in Bayville we gotta round up and grab Multiple's hamster collection?"
"A hamster collection that is under a hundred," Xavier sighed. "We think."
"How did the little runt get so many of the darn things in the first place?" Ray grunted as he picked up a squirming hamster. "OW! IT BIT ME!"
"I think it also just said 'Bleah'!" Roberto chuckled.
The X-Men were confronted with the latest bit of insanity in their lives. "Jamie must have accidentally let the cage doors open while he was packing," Xavier sighed.
"He got the little buggers from Toad and he's been hiding them in his room," Logan grunted. "Sneaky little rat…Hiding all those other sneaky rats."
"He's good," Remy chuckled. "Gambit is impressed. Reminds me of the story of Great Uncle Alphonse and the time he hid a dozen white mice in Hoover's office."
"Okay this is the second time you mentioned that," Scott said. "Do you mean Herbert Hoover the President or were you thinking J Edgar Hoover of the FBI?"
"Both technically," Remy shrugged. "Guild's been around since 1646 and came over to America in colonial days. Been cozying up to American politicians back when there were only British politicians. Backed up Herbert Hoover for President, that was the one where Alphonse comes in. There's also a funny story of what happened with J. Edgar Hoover involving some stolen plans, an evening dress and…"
"Stop right there," Rogue said. "If this is anything like one of the Blob's family stories and I strongly suspect it is, I don't wanna hear it."
"Wow," Bobby said. "So which one was the guy who invented the vacuum cleaner?"
"Yeah Professor it was a brilliant idea for you to bribe the school board to let us back into school to get an education!" Rogue rolled her eyes.
"I know, I know…"Xavier sighed. "Can we get back to the problem of the horde of hamsters running through the hallways?"
"Picking up alliteration lessons from Beast?" Logan asked. Xavier shrugged.
"Wait a minute," Kurt realized something. "Do you remember when us guys went over to the Brotherhood for a few days?"
"When we were Hanging Out At The Hood House and the Mutant Girls went Wild?" Ray asked. "Yeah. What about it? Oh wait now I remember!"
"How could you forget all those stupid hamsters running all over the place and crawling in our beds?" Roberto asked.
"It wasn't that bad," Sam said.
"That's because you're from a farm and you're used to sleeping with animals!" Ray said. "If I wanted to sleep with rats I'd have stayed in the Morlocks in the sewers!"
"Back up a minute," Jean held up her hand. "Are you trying to tell me that Toad had some kind of hamster breeding scheme?"
"No, just a stupid scheme to have a couple hamsters that backfired," Tabitha explained. "I really hated Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! That's all those idiots could talk about for a week was that stupid rat Marsha! I was so glad to move out of that nuthouse when I got the chance!"
"Weren't you kicked out?" Remy gave her a look.
"Potato, po-tato," Tabitha shrugged. "The point is the Brotherhood and hamsters were a disastrous combination!"
"I remember some of our school field trips," Jean groaned.
"Yah but my point is the Brotherhood let those rodents breed and get out of control," Kurt said. "And quite a few of them got out…"
"Didn't they also say something about leaving a few hamsters in each girl's room that week?" Scott realized it too.
"I never saw any hamsters," Rogue said.
"Neither did I," Jean added. "I don't think any of us did."
"Then that means…" Scott winced. "Oh no…"
"This is not going where I think this is going is it?" Logan groaned.
"Hold it! That's impossible! I mean wouldn't Wolverine have smelled them by now?" Sam asked.
"Unless they got through the cracks under the air vents on the lower levels," Logan said. "Even my nose has it's limits. Then again this does explain why Section C smells like Toad sometimes…"
There was a loud scream. "AAAAAAHHH!" Kitty ran through a few walls. "RATS! RATS! BIG FURRY RATS!"
"It's not rats, Half Pint," Logan groaned. "It's hamsters. To be specific hamsters from the Brotherhood!"
"A farewell parting gift from the Brain Damaged Patrol," Rogue said sarcastically. "With a little help from Multiple."
"Oh for crying out loud…" Kitty caught her breath. "I'm gonna kill 'em!"
"Who?" Sam asked. "Jamie or the Brotherhood?"
"Whoever makes the mistake of getting caught by me first!" Kitty snapped.
"I always liked that girl," Logan said to Xavier.
"Making you a counselor for the students is definitely not one of the smartest ideas I have ever had," Xavier winced. "Your personality is rubbing off on them."
"So what do we do?" Rogue asked.
"I guess the only thing we can do," Scott said. "Try to round up as many of them as possible."
"You gotta be kidding me," Tabitha winced. "No way I'm touching one of those fat tailless rats!"
"Tabitha we can't just let defenseless animals run amok," Kitty said. "Even if they are furry and gross."
"Oh that really boosts my self esteem," Kurt folded his arms.
"You know what I mean!" Kitty said. "You don't look like a rat. Well, not that much. Maybe a little in the tail."
"Oh yeah I see it…" Ray began before Rogue hit him.
"Everyone just loves the Fuzzy Dude!" Kurt groaned.
"Look Ororo and I have to go to my lawyers and take care of a few arrangements," Xavier sighed. "Fury gave us permission to go and is giving us an escort. While I'm gone I want all of you to capture the hamsters and prepare them for transport."
"You mean we're going to take those fur balls with us?" Logan asked.
"We have to Logan," Jean said. "We can't just leave them here."
"Why not?" Logan asked.
"They are our responsibility," Scott said. "Well Multiple's responsibility."
"I trust everything will be in hand when I get back," Xavier said. "I know almost all the equipment has been packed as well as your personal belongings. I expect us to leave as soon as I return in three hours." He wheeled away.
Logan shot Scott a hard look. "They're our responsibility," He mocked. "You had to say that didn't you?"
"Look there can't be that many hamsters running loose," Scott said. "We're the X-Men! We've taken on Magneto, the Brotherhood, Mystique, Sentinels and Apocalypse. How hard could it be to round up a couple of hamsters?"
Two hours later…
"One good thing is that we don't have to worry about any protestors trashing the place after we're gone," Rogue looked at the destroyed mansion around her. "We've done a pretty good job of it ourselves."
"I know you're under there you little…" Logan used his claws to cut open a piece of floorboard. "RAARRRRRR!"
"The mighty Wolverine corners the cunning hamster in a life and death struggle," Kurt imitated a wildlife show narrator but sounded more like a German version of Jacques Cousteau. "He uses his sharp massive claws to get at his prey."
"COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID BALL OF FUR!" Logan roared as he tore up the floor. "ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME? WHY YOU LITTLE…"
"But the little hamster is clever and nimble," Kurt continued his impression. "It uses it's tiny size to it's advantage and as a result the Wolverine is left without a meal."
"You're gonna be left without a life support system if you keep that up!" Logan threatened Kurt.
"Wolverine knock it off! It ain't Kurt's fault you trashed the entire living room," Rogue said. "But to be fair this is a lot less damage than what Scott did upstairs."
"Those little fur balls are faster than they look!" Scott snapped. "And they're organized!"
"Sure Scott, right," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"I'm telling you they made me trip!" Scott said.
"Uh huh…" Rogue said.
"Well the fire's out in the kitchen," Bobby walked in with Kitty and Remy on crutches. "And we got two more hamsters."
"Eww, there are like so many gross things between the walls!" Kitty wiped off a cobweb from her shirt.
"I'm telling you the fire was not my fault!" Remy protested. He was so upset he forgot to speak in the third person. "That stupid hamster tricked me into throwing that card there!"
"See? What did I tell you?" Scott said to Rogue.
"I tell you if Remy's leg wasn't busted he would have gotten that miserable…" Remy stiffened. "Did you hear that? It's laughing at me! I can hear it!"
"No that one's laughing at Wolverine," Kurt corrected.
"Keep it up Nightcrawler…" Logan growled. "You're just lucky that the Danger Room is out of commission or else you'd be in so much pain right now…"
"Again, way to go Scott," Rogue gave him a look. "Although I gotta admit part of me is kind of relieved."
"Look I don't know how they did it but I know they figured out the control panel of the Danger Room!" Scott said. "Jean you were there tell them! You saw what they did!"
"They just chewed through a few wires," Jean sighed. "That's all I saw."
"Oh and I guess it's a coincidence they chewed through the exact same wires that activated a level twelve Danger Room session and locked all the doors?" Scott snapped. "They're organized I tell ya!"
"Probably because of Toad," Remy grumbled.
"That's right! I forgot all about that!" Scott yelled. "That slimy miserable…He did it! He trained them to do this to us!"
"Sure he did Scott," Rogue groaned. "The boy can barely program a DVD recorder and he trained a horde of hamsters to do his bidding and attack us!"
"It's possible!" Scott protested.
"Only in your deranged mind!" Kitty fumed.
"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the penguin that attacked me?" Kurt yelled. "Twice!"
"He's right!" Scott said. "If Toad can create a killer penguin to attack Kurt, he can certainly handle a group of hamsters trained to weaken our defense systems!"
"Attack penguin?" Remy startled. "He did just say attack killer penguin? Right?"
"It's kind of a long story," Rogue sighed.
"Two stories technically," Bobby said. "Let's just say it's not true that Everybody Loves Penguins."
"And you haven't seen anything unless you've seen Mutant Television," Rogue added.
"I've got good news and bad news," Tabitha said carrying a large box. "The good news is that we found another hamster."
"What's the bad news?" Jean asked, dreading the answer.
"Amara found the hamster first," Tabitha sighed. "We found her laughing at what was left of it on the floor. To be fair she thought it was some kind of delusion and it was taunting her."
"I believe the taunting part," Scott grumbled. More X-Men entered the room. Sam was carrying a large box. "How many hamsters do we have anyway?"
"Well we've got thirty of them so far," Sam sighed.
"Thirty one if you count the one Amara barbecued," Tabitha groaned.
"What are we gonna do with thirty hamsters?" Ray asked.
"Start a mutant pet shop?" Bobby joked. "Open a hamster wildlife preserve?"
"You realize you are so grounded right?" Kitty glared at Jamie.
"For having a pet?" Jamie asked.
"For having a couple hundred pets!" Kitty shouted.
"Its not a couple of hundred," Jamie said. "It's only under a hundred. I think."
"AAAH!" Hank's yelling could be heard.
"Now what's going on?" Logan groaned as the gang went to investigate.
They saw Hank carefully putting some towels around a box of something leaking. "Don't anyone come any closer! You might step on these chemicals!" Hank told them. "Don't worry, it's not airborne or toxic but I don't want to take any chances."
"What's all this gunk?" Logan winced at the smell.
"Experimental chemicals designed to enhance or study the X-Gene," Hank said. "It was part of my research for my mutation back when I didn't look like Chewbacca's cousin."
"And you've kept them all this time?" Logan yelled. "Wait didn't they get destroyed when the mansion blew up?"
"The first batch did," Hank explained. "I made this batch after that in order to try and help Rogue with her mutation. It didn't work because the chemicals were too unstable to try on human subjects."
"What are the odds that some of those stupid hamsters got into those chemicals?" Tabitha realized.
"Minimal at the most," Hank said. "It's highly unlikely they'll affect anything actually."
Little did they realize that there was a small crack in the floor and a bit of the chemicals had leaked through. It ended up in an underground tunnel where it collected into a small pool. And a pregnant hamster had taken a drink from it.
"EEK!" The hamster startled and it's eyes began to glow.
Back up top the X-Men were still having trouble. "YEOW! GET OFF MY TAIL!" Kurt pulled a squealing rodent from his tail. "My tail is not a chew toy!"
"Put it in here with the others," Jean held the box and Kurt put it in. "That's thirty five…"
"Thirty six but it's dead and in the trash," Logan walked in. "Made the mistake of eating one of Kitty's leftover muffins. I've never seen a hamster turn green that fast before."
"So thirty five live hamsters, two dead ones…" Jean counted off.
"And four hundred holes in the walls," Jean blinked as she looked through a hole in the wall. Then she saw Sam on the floor. "Cannonball!"
"I tried to grab one but I tripped," Sam got up. "It got away."
"I figured that," Jean said. "Jamie how many more do we have left?"
"Forty something," Jamie shrugged. "But I don't recognize a couple of these hamsters. Must be the ones the Brotherhood snuck over."
"This is ridiculous! There's no way we can get them all," Kitty said.
"Especially since a couple of them just ran out on the front lawn and ran off into the woods," Sam pointed out the window. "They're fast little buggers aren't they?"
"Well then we gotta get out there and…" Logan looked out the window. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Hank asked. He looked out the window. "Are those torches? And pitchforks?"
"Yes and they're being carried by a very large, very angry mob," Scott gulped. "Looks like half the town didn't evacuate after all!"
"All of the sudden I don't mind the National Guard being out there to make sure nobody gets in or out of the Institute," Rogue gulped.
"It's the getting in part I'm worried about," Tabitha said nervously.
"This could be a problem," Remy said.
"Look we promised the Professor we'd take care of tracking down those hamsters and it's our responsibility…" Scott began.
"There's that responsibility crap again," Logan interrupted. "Where did you learn talk like that?"
"WHAT DO WE WANT?" Someone yelled with a bullhorn.
"DEAD MUTANTS!" The crowd chanted.
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"HOW DO WE WANT 'EM?"
"BOILED! BAKED! FRIED AND FRICASSEED!"
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"HOW DO WE WANT 'EM DEAD!"
"SHOOT THEM!" The crowd provided random answers. "HANG'EM! BURN 'EM! THROW THEM IN THE VOLCANO! POISON THEM! SHOOT THEM! BLOW THEM TO KINGDOM COME WHEREVER THAT IS! HIT 'EM WITH A ROCK! OKAY A BUNCH OF ROCKS!"
"On the other hand," Scott added. "It is only hamsters and we are leaving Bayville."
"Technically it is the Brotherhood's mess," Bobby said. "They should be the one to clean this up."
"We could always tell Charles we caught the majority of hamsters and only one or two got away," Logan added.
"One or two dozen!" Rogue snapped.
"Potato, po-tato," Tabitha shrugged. "Just let it slide so we can pack up and get out of here already."
"Yeah the Professor will be so distracted especially after meeting with his lawyers he won't notice that a few hamsters slipped by," Ray said. "Especially if we don't tell him."
"You do know that the Professor reads minds?" Jean frowned.
"But he doesn't go into our heads all the time," Kitty said. "And do you really want to face a mob over a bunch of hamsters?"
"You have a point," Jean winced when she saw a red haired dummy being hung by a rope from a tree and several people were using it as a piñata.
"Since we don't want to give the citizens of Bayville another reason to string us up maybe we should let this one slide?" Rogue gulped.
"We already have quite a few of them," Scott reasoned.
"Odds are that most of those hamsters are probably gonna get eaten anyway," Ray added.
"Well that's a great thing to say!" Kitty snapped.
"I'm just saying! I mean snakes and hawks have to eat too," Ray held up his hands. "It's part of the food chain. Circle of life and all that jazz."
"Right, how much trouble can a bunch of hamsters cause?" Logan grunted.
Six months later after the X-Men moved away…
"It is with great pride that I open the doors to the new Bayville High School," The town's mayor beamed with pride as he prepared to cut the ribbon to a new high school across town. "It is in this school with our new No Mutants policy where our students will finally be safe from the mutant menace!"
He was about to cut the ribbon when he noticed something. "Is that a hamster?" The mayor blinked.
"I believe it is," The new principal of Bayville High said.
Suddenly optic blasts shot out of the hamster's eyes and cut the ribbon. "AAAAAAH!" Everyone shouted. Especially when the doors opened and a horde of hamsters with glowing eyes streamed out.
People screamed everywhere as the hamsters with eye blasts, super speed and very sharp teeth attacked. "YOU PROMISED ME NO MUTANTS!" The new principal screamed as a hamster attacked his toupee. "I QUIT!"
"I don't believe it," The mayor moaned. "Even when they're gone those mutants find ways to torment us! It's official! This school is cursed!"