|Secret Desires and Nameless Fears
Author: LorelaiSquared PM
AU:NOW COMPLETE Please note the rating change for chapter 7! Luke and Lorelai are hit with a reality that neither one expected but both have secretly desired. Meanwhile, Rory also encounters some unexpected challenges; only this time, she truly faces themRated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Family - Luke D. & Lorelai G. - Chapters: 12 - Words: 37,799 - Reviews: 115 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 02-21-09 - Published: 11-16-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4659358
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Authors' Notes: This began as a way to get over my writers' block on TippeGypsyDoo and, as seems to be my pattern, has evolved into much more. I hope you enjoy this little trip down fantasy lane.
Thank you to Jewels, Boom and the gang for the writing sessions – they helped so much. This story wouldn't exist without your support and encouragement.
An extra special shout out to Jewels12 for not only, putting up with my inability to master the comma, but also, saving me with her brilliant pop culture references, title recommendations and summary repairs.
Lorelai groaned as she opened her eye and promptly shut it again. The blinding light streaming in from the window made her head pound. Beside her, Luke stirred, then stilled. She took a deep breath and tried to move again, this time she ignored the pounding in her head. She pulled the sheet off the bed, and wrapped it around herself leaving Luke asleep and completely exposed. She smiled slightly as she gazed at him, but quickly winced as the motion set off the hammers in her scull. She reluctantly turned away from him and stumbled to the bathroom.
After emptying her bladder, she washed her hands and splashed cool water on her face, trying to wake herself up. She gazed at herself in the mirror for a moment examining her red eyes and mussed hair. She smiled as she remembered the events of the evening before… Luke is such an amazing lover she thought to herself, smiling.
They had had a great time at the party and she had urged Luke on as he ranted about NYC. By the time they got back to Stars Hollow they were in a frenzy of lust, urged on by alcohol. And they'd been in such a hurry to get to the bed, bursting through the door to Luke's apartment in a flurry of frantic kisses and flying fabric. She gasped suddenly as she realized that in their haste to be with each other they had forgotten to take certain precautions.
Lorelai quickly grabbed the cosmetic bag she kept in Luke's bathroom and rummaged through it until she found the little plastic container that held her birth control pills. She did a quick count and then sat down on the toilet seat and buried her head in her hands muttering, "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap."
Lorelai took a deep breath, and tried to calm down and think rationally. Okay, so I seem to have missed a few doses, and we weren't careful last night, but that doesn't mean I'm pregnant or anything, just that I need to be more careful. She jumped as she heard the alarm clock go off in the other room followed by a fumbling sound that must have been Luke turning it off.
"Oh God," she murmured to herself, burying her face in her hands again. What if I am pregnant? What will Luke think? We're so not ready for this, we just got back together, he doesn't like kids, they have jam hands, and they cry, and he thinks nursing is disgusting, but he'd be such a good father, I mean, look at how good he is to Rory, and we'd make a beautiful baby and…' she trailed off from her internal rambling as she lost control and started sobbing. Huge tears rolled down her cheeks as she pictured Luke with a beautiful dark haired, blue-eyed baby wrapped in flannel. Her shoulders shook with anguish as she began to realize how much she wanted to have a baby with Luke, and how afraid she was that he wouldn't want this baby.
"Lorelai?" She frantically wiped the tears away as Luke knocked softly on the door. "Are you in there? Let me in."
Lorelai hopped off the toilet and splashed water on her face to try and hide the evidence of her tears as she called, "Just a minute, hon."
She quickly inspected herself in the mirror, and deciding she looked okay, plastered a fake smile on her face and swung open the door. "Morning, babe." She leaned up to kiss him lightly on the lips. "Bathroom's all yours." She moved aside so he could enter, and began to gather her clothes.
"How are you feeling?" she asked him casually as she pulled a pair of pink lacy panties off the TV and slid them on.
"I feel like I was hit by a truck," Luke moaned. "What the hell happened last night?"
"You mean you don't remember?" Lorelai smiled despite the inner turmoil she was still experiencing and called, "You realize I will mock you for this, right? I never thought I'd see the day when Luke Danes would get too drunk to remember his actions the next morning."
"I remember some things," he growled suggestively as he emerged from the bathroom.
He walked toward her, his blue eyes fixed on hers as he approached. He touched her chin gently, as he leaned in to kiss her. As their lips met, Lorelai sighed softly and leaned into him, opening for him as her worries melted away. She brought her hands around to his back and pulled him close, his bare chest enveloping her as he deepened the kiss, his tongue entwining with hers in a delicate dance. Luke moaned her name as they finally pulled apart, both of them gasping for air. Luke leaned his head on her forehead as his hands grazed her back lightly. He gazed at her carefully, and the heat in his eyes faded slightly to be replaced with concern.
"Lorelai," he spoke quietly and raised one hand to her cheek, tracing a faint tearstain. "Were you crying?"
Lorelai looked away, avoiding eye contact, her jumbled feelings from earlier returning full force.
"Lorelai?" Luke's voice was tender as he watched her, his worry growing.
Her eyes began to brim with tears again and she wiped them away furiously. "It's nothing," she said, trying to shrug it off.
Before she could turn away, Luke gently grasped her chin and raised her head until she was looking at him. "Tell me what's bothering you."
Lorelai shook her head. "It's silly."
"If it has you this upset then it's not silly." Luke lead her to couch, he sat down then pulled her into his lap, wrapping his strong arms around her protectively. "Now, tell me what's going on."
Lorelai took a deep breath and snuggled against Luke, resting her head comfortably against his shoulders. "Things have been so busy lately that I've been forgetting to take my pill regularly," she whispered.
Luke frowned. "Your pill?" He looked at her quizzically before realization dawned. "Oh."
Lorelai studied his face, trying to judge his reaction. His jaw was set but his eyes were blank, giving nothing away. She began to fidget with her hair, twirling it around her finger nervously as she continued, "And last night… well… we weren't very careful when we were… you know… primordial." She gestured to the rumpled bed.
Luke nodded to indicate that he understood, then looked at her silently, waiting for her to continue.
She buried her head into his chest, muffling her voice as she blurted, "What if our carelessness has unexpected consequences, Luke?"
Luke frowned down at her, and tilted her face so she was looking at him. "Is that why you're so upset? You're worried that you could be pregnant?" At Lorelai's nod, he continued, tension creeping into his voice, "Do you not want another baby?"
"No…yes, I mean, it's not that. It's just…" Lorelai trailed off, uncertain of how to explain her mixed emotions to Luke. She sat up and turned to face him, taking a deep breath before trying again. "When I was in the bathroom earlier, and I realized what we'd done, I felt so confused, Luke. I started wondering what you would think and I worried that you wouldn't want a baby around because of jam hands and breast feeding, and then suddenly I realized that I was hoping that I was pregnant because the truth is I'd love to have another baby, and I'd love even more to have one with you." She looked up at him, her eyes wide and expectant as she waited for him to respond.
Luke sat unmoving, his hands in his lap, his eyes staring straight in front of him. Lorelai held her breath, her heart pounding rapidly as she nervously waited for him to speak.
A moment later, Luke took a deep breath and started to say something, just as Lorelai's cell phone rang, startling them both as the dulcet tones of Sean Paul's 'We Be Burnin' filled the room. Lorelai reluctantly slid off Luke's lap and scurried across the room to answer her phone.
"Mom?" came Rory's frantic voice, "Mom, where are you? It's noon, we have to decorate for Sookie's baby shower."
Lorelai cursed silently, and sighed. "Sorry, Babe, I got… um… side tracked. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Okay, Mom. Hurry. She could wake up any time."
"I'm on my way." Lorelai hung up the phone and looked longingly at Luke.
"You have to go." Luke's voice was steady and even, emotionless. Lorelai wished more than ever that she had time to figure out what was going on in his head.
"Yeah, Sookie's baby shower." She approached him cautiously and caressed his cheek gently with her right hand. "I'm sorry, we'll have to continue this conversation later. Will you be okay?"
Luke tried to smile. "I'm fine Lorelai, we'll discuss this later." he took her hand from his cheek and squeezed it gently, trying to assure her that things would be okay. He tugged gently, pulling her close and touching his lips to hers in a reassuring kiss.
After a moment, she pulled away, picked up her purse from the coffee table and reluctantly walked out the door. She glanced at Luke one last time as she closed the door and tried desperately to ignore the cacophony of screaming thoughts that were monopolizing her brain.
Lorelai pulled up in front of the Bellville residence a few minutes later and was greeted by a very pale and frantic Rory.
She hurriedly climbed out of the jeep and rushed over to her daughter. "Rory? What's wrong?"
Rory sat down on the bottom step, buried her face in her hands, and mumbled, "It's coming 'round the mountain."
Lorelai blinked in confusion, trying to figure out what Rory was talking about. "Coming 'round the what now?"
"Jackson and Sookie came tearing out of the house just after I talked to you and said that the baby 'is coming 'round the mountain.'" Rory looked up at her mother and crinkled her nose in disgust. "That image is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm never having babies."
Lorelai grinned, taking perverse pleasure in her daughter's obvious discomfort with the miracle of life. "Aww, sweets, you'll change your mind eventually. It's not so bad."
Rory raised her eyebrow sceptically. "Crate of dynamite. Remember?"
Lorelai just laughed and said, "So what you're saying is that Sookie is in labour."
Rory closed her eyes trying desperately to block out the image. "Yes, they left for the hospital about 5 minutes ago."
"Well what are we waiting for? Get in the Jeep, let's go!"
Rory's eyes widened in panic as she frantically shook her head. "Uh uh. No way am I going, I'd rather watch a 'Mighty Ducks' marathon."
Lorelai snorted and patted her daughter on the shoulder. "It's okay, hon. I won't make you come. Gigi's birth was enough trauma for your delicate sensibilities. Go back to Yale to study and I'll call you with the news."
The tension flooded out of Rory's body as she sighed in relief. "Really? Oh thank god. I love you, mom!" She flung her arms around Lorelai giving her a huge hug and dashed to her car before Lorelai could change her mind.
Lorelai watched as Rory sped off down the lane and turned out of sight after the town square. Then Lorelai climbed into the Jeep and drove toward the hospital. She stopped at the red light outside the diner on her way out of town and sighed, her tension over their earlier conversation returning. When the light turned green, she gave the diner one last glance; yearning to go in, and force Luke to talk to her about the baby thing. Instead, she mentally shoved her bleak thoughts to the side and hit the accelerator, speeding off to the hospital to welcome No Name Baby Bellville into the world.