Gomensai

Haruka sat in the chair next to the bed. The machines beeped in a symphony of their own sound. Dim light was off to the side, from a single light on the wall. It was enough light to see the figure on the bed. Long dark hair framed her body; the hospital gown did nothing to accent her. Her pale skin was whiter then normal; her thin arms were too small. Everything seemed too small; as if she were falling in on herself. Her body seemed to be giving up as she lay here, sleeping, amid the sounds of machinery.

Haruka wasn’t ready to cry yet; she was still trying to process what the hell was happening. Her hands held up her head, as she rested her chin on her folded hands. She stared at the sunken cheek bones and frizzy dark hair. How could this be the same person?

Motion behind her made the sailor senshi look away. She stood up as a tall, red head walked in. She was carrying a big vase of red and gold flowers. Her long red hair was braided down her back; she wore a heavy brown coat and had gloves stuffed in her pockets. She set her purse down on the nearby table and carried the flowers over.

“Marion,” Haruka whispered the name, the woman stopped, peaking around the flowers. Haruka saw the shock, the surprise and finally the tears.

The red head set the flowers down on the table on the foot of the bed. She crossed to Haruka and gave the woman a tight hug. Haruka let the woman cry into her shoulder and didn’t look at the bed again.

“How did you get in? Visiting hours are over.” Marion whispered.

Haruka shrugged, not about to explain her abilities to this woman. “I came as soon as I read the letter. I had no idea she was so sick.”

Marion nodded toward the door and the two women left the room. Marion fussed with the strap on her purse as they walked silently down the hall. It wasn’t until they were outside that the red-head spoke.

“She never told anyone. Not even me.” Marion sat down on a nearby bench; staring at her hands. “We haven’t lived together in a while.”

“Why not? You two were really happy.”

Marion sighed, “She wanted her space. She’s been going through a lot of things the last year or so. What with her son getting engaged and the loss of her father. She quit her job a few months ago; I never knew why.” Marion sighed, rubbing her hands together, she put on her gloves. “Winter’s here, I guess.”

Haruka looked up at the night sky; the stars glittered down at her. Snow was slowly beginning to flutter down from the darkness. Tiny, almost invisible flakes of white water, tumbled carelessly down to land beside Haruka’s foot. Now she knew why Michiru had packed her winter coat and gloves.

“How things with you and your artist?” Marion asked briskly.

“Good, everything is good.” Haruka stood up and took a couple of steps. “Marion, she wrote to me.”

“I know.”

Haruka turned to face the red-head, “You do?”

Marion nodded, “I was the one who mailed the letter. I found it among her things when the hospital called. I decided to mail it, you know, as a final act of love. She’s been making amends with a lot of people. Trying to heal the breach, you know? It’s too late to fix things with her dad or her son; but she’s trying to fix it with everyone else.”

Haruka sighed, “Why write to me? I was going to ask her myself, but…”

“You can tomorrow,” Marion stood up, adjusting the sit of her purse on her shoulder. “She’ll wake up in the morning.”

Haruka sighed, looking at the thin covering of snow around them. “She doesn’t have anything to apologize for, not to me.”

Marion shrugged, “Maybe you just don’t know what it is. No one can keep a secret like Mattie can.”

“That’s true,” Haruka had to agree with Marion.

“Where are you staying?”

Haruka realized she didn’t have a place. Michiru hadn’t booked one and she herself, hadn’t bothered to look for a hotel. “I have no idea. I’ll stay at the hospital.”

“No way,” Marion took her gently by the hand, “Come on, I have a couch that’s very comfortable.”

**

It was just past noon when Haruka arrived at the hospital the next day. She unzipped her winter coat and shook the snow from her hair. Marion was parking the car. Haruka crossed to the elevator and waited with a few other people. She had her hands stuffed into her coat pockets; her boot tapped anxiously on the ground.

Once on the correct floor, she signed in at the nurses station and crossed to the room. She opened the door and found the woman out of bed. She sat with her back to the door; she was looking out the window, wearing a heavy red sweater and wrapped in a gold blanket. Her dark hair was dull and looked brittle. Haruka had to take a breath inward before she could step any further into the room.

“Good morning,” A weak voice said in Japanese.

Haruka smiled gently, “Morning,” She used Japanese as well.

“Michiru sent you, I hope she’s well.”

Haruka noticed the second chair across from the occupied one. She sat down and stared at her old friend. Mattie’s face and body were thin and frail but the eyes that sparkled were still hers. Still a striking shade of gold, like molten metal; they were beautiful. The color wasn’t as rich or multi-faceted as usual, but it was still her looking out of those eyes.

“She’s doing very well.” Haruka tried not to notice the tubes or the machines. She tried to focus on the face she knew so well.

“It’s okay,” Mattie said gently, “You can look elsewhere.” And to prove her point she looked outside, studying the snow-covered trees.

“I didn’t know you were sick.” Haruka sighed.

“Why would you? I didn’t even tell Marion or Tanner.”

Haruka knew Tanner to be Mattie’s son; it seemed like neutral ground. “I heard he’s engaged.”

Mattie nodded, “He’s only eighteen, I don’t think it’s a great idea. But he’s stubborn, you know? He won’t listen to anyone.”

“Takes after you.”

Mattie smiled, it was a weak motion. “Perhaps.”

Haruka shrugged off her coat and folded it in her arms. “Why did you send me that letter?”

Mattie shrugged, “I wanted to say my final words to you. I felt you had a right to know everything.”

Haruka recalled the letter; “You said you were sorry for not making it over to see me.”

Mattie nodded, “I had always wanted to. Remember that track meet we had in Juben City? I still remember it as it were yesterday.”

Haruka did remember, that was the day she had met Michiru. The day everything had changed for her.

“You were so sad during those days. So, lost, I think. Did you find what you needed to make you happy again?”

Haruka sat back in the chair, “Not entirely.” She had to admit she was still sad; but for different reasons these days. “But I found enough to make do.”

Mattie nodded, “That’s all we can do sometimes.”

“Why did you leave Marion?” Haruka asked gently.

Mattie frowned, glancing at the blonde across from her. “We ran out of things to talk about.”

“You didn’t tell her you were sick.”

“No, I didn’t tell her that.” Mattie looked back out the window. “I saw no need to tell anyone. No need to get anyone else involved. They have their own lives to lead. Did you know her work is being featured in the Metro Museum? She’s got a tour all over Europe starting next week. She leaves for Paris next Friday.”

“Mattie you should have told her.”

“No.” Mattie moved to cross her arms, flinched, and let them rest on the chair arms. “I didn’t have to tell her anything.”

“You have been together since before I knew you. That’s a long time.” Haruka reminded her. “If not for you I wouldn’t have competed and gone to Juben City and met Michiru.”

Mattie smiled slightly, “Sure you would have. You two have something really special.”

That was true, they were definitely special. Haruka let it go. “Marion deserved an answer.”

“So she could worry about me? So she could loose sleep and loose work? If I had told her I was dying she would have quit her work. She wouldn’t be going to Europe and touring and becoming famous. She deserves to have her dreams.”

“And no one should die alone.” Haruka stated firmly.

Mattie narrowed her eyes, looking at the blonde woman beside her. “Who said I was alone?”

“You did, by sending that letter. You knew I would come once I received it. That’s why you never sent it.”

Mattie was too weak to shrug so she looked away instead. “So you came here just to remind me of how stubborn I am?”

“No, I came here because you’re one of the few friends I have left. I didn’t know you had feelings for me.”

“I didn’t either.” Mattie retorted, “It just kind of dawned on me. Perhaps that’s why I kept Marion at a distance.”

“You’ve always had trust issues.” Haruka muttered absently, “We both do.”

Mattie smiled at her, “True.”

“Well at least I can say that I found love.” Haruka told her.

“I am glad for you.” Mattie glanced at her friend, “I’ve never needed that though.”

“I’ve always admired that in you.”

“Yeah, sure.” Mattie shook her head, the motion was slow. “Admire me for that, that’s twisted.”

“Not really,” Haruka stretched out her long legs, “It shows a comfort and an easiness with ones self that’s rare.”

Mattie arched a dark brow at that statement, “That’s a backhanded compliment.”

Haruka shrugged, “Take it however you want.”

There was a knock on the door, a nurse came in and paused. “Oh, you have company today.”

Mattie nodded, “A friend from Japan.”

The nurse’s eyes widened, “Well that’s exciting! I can come back in a few minutes if you want more time.”

Mattie shook her head, “No need. Lets get it over with.” She looked at Haruka, “I hope to see you in a few days.”

“Why not tomorrow?”

“Chemo therapy takes it out of me, best to give me a couple of days to rest.”

Mattie stood up and Haruka moved with her. She held out a hand and Mattie took it. Haruka helped her friend walk to the door; the nurse had fetched a wheelchair. Haruka walked with her friend until the nurse said she couldn’t go any further. She watched as Mattie was wheeled through a set of swinging doors and down a hall. Mattie turned and looked back, she lifted a hand. Haruka returned it. She couldn’t make herself move from the spot for several long seconds.

Cold, icy air shocked Haruka from her thoughts. She was standing outside, the same place Marion had come the night before. Marion was standing there, waiting. Hands in her pockets; Haruka realized in that moment that the artist had deliberately given them alone time.

Haruka crossed to her; the snow was starting to fall again. “Why did you do that?”

“Because she’ll talk to you.” Marion sighed and shook her head, “I can’t get through to her, Haruka. She shuts me out; I know she’s trying to protect me, but it still hurts.”

Haruka sighed, “She says you’re going on tour to Europe.”

“I am going to cancel it.”

“Don’t do that.” Haruka told her, “She wants you to go on tour, Marion. She wants you go live so that she can die in peace.”

Marion stared at the blonde, “She told you that?”

Haruka nodded, “Yes.”

“Ironic isn’t it?” Marion mused, “Two track stars falling in love with artists. I am not at your girlfriend’s level, I know that. But still, it strikes me as funny.”

Haruka smiled gently, “It is. Both of us spent years chasing the wind and found love in the arms of very talented women.”

Marion frowned, “Love, huh? You think she loves me?”

Haruka sighed, “Marion, she’s reserved. Mattie isn’t emotional and she doesn’t display her feelings easily. She has trouble admitting them to herself most times. You can’t let that interfere with the fact she loves you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have lived with you.”

Marion sighed, “I guess.”

The two women headed toward the public parking area. “Haruka,” Marion paused and tried again, “Would it be possible for you to take her back with you?”

Haruka frowned, stopping her tracks. Marion faced her. “What?”

“She talks about Japan all the time; she has pictures and posters all over her apartment. Before she was moved here; she watched Japanese anime all the time. If the doctors would let her she would bring them all here. There are times when she’s really sick, she’ll use Japanese not English. She wants to be there, Haruka.”

Haruka chewed her lip for a moment, “But she’s dying…”

“It would be a one-way ticket, and when she dies she wants a traditional Japanese funeral.”

Haruka pulled in a breath, “I can talk to Michiru and I’ll ask Mattie what she thinks.”

Marion continued walking, “Don’t worry about the cost, I have money now. The least I can do is give her a ticket to Japan.”

“I’ll call Michiru tonight and ask her.”

“Thank you.”

They reached Marion’s car and the two women climbed inside. Marion backed out of her parking spot and headed into traffic.

**