CHAPTER 19

A/N: Dear all, I am so terribly sorry about the massive delay. My long rough patch was quite long and quite rough indeed, but I am getting out of it :-) Also, please excuse the appalling brevity of this chapter...which is rendered completely in Harry's point of view after consummating his marriage with Severus.

I will be in Venice for the whole of next week, so no updates due to travelling ;-)

What did I feel like? What was I supposed to feel like? Is there such a thing like having to feel in a certain way? I guess so. There are always expectations.

So we had done it. We had consummated our bond, and you were no longer in pain or in danger of dying. But I could see from the look in your eyes that you had expected me to be in some kind of pain after our consummation. I admit that the circumstances, the setting, the act itself were not exactly what you'd read about in novels or see in Muggle movies. There's a reason why they're called fiction, after all. Our first times with each other were not exactly promising, were they? But I realised so many things when we did what we had to do. You were gentle with me in ways I had not expected. We had come to expect things from each other – negative things. I hadn't expected you to be rough with me, but I had thought that you would...just go ahead with it, not look at me...

You nearly died because you regarded our consummation as rape. It was like you wanted to die. But I, I wanted you to live. You said that you could not promise me pleasure. Of course you couldn't – how can anyone promise something like pleasure? It was the thought that you were thinking of my pleasure that touched me. Which made me understand more things about you. Which made me know you, and want to know you, better. You insisted that I keep my writing utensils nearby; you made sure that I had, in a way, words at my disposal throughout the procedure. These little gestures made me stay up at night after we had gone through the procedure, wondering about you, wondering about what was going to become out of us and our relationship. I had all kinds of feelings going on within myself as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Something had happened. So many things had happened...

You told me that I had saved your life. You looked at me as if you were wondering who I really was. And your hand, cupping my shoulder after it was over...your hand, so warm, so firm, so gentle...I had been afraid that you would scorn me as you had scorned my father for saving your life. You did not. I don't quite know why, Severus, but you did not. It meant so much to me when you brought me some potion to ease any physical discomfort I might be experiencing after our consummation. And I felt guilty because you felt guilty for my sake – that you felt like a rapist when we had actually been raped by the circumstances, in a way – and by Voldemort.

When I woke up the morning after our consummation, I found myself lying on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around me. The fire was still burning. I was warm. Warm not only because of the blanket and the fire, but also warm with the knowledge that you had seen to my comfort. So that was what trusting you felt like. And it felt good – so good.

I still feel your hand on my shoulder. And now, touching my shoulder myself, I can actually feel it tingle...tingle with the memory of that touch...of your touch...