Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or any of its contents, Oda does. This was inspired by one of Antha Aryn's wonderful pieces.

Public Santa, Sanji style

It was a few weeks before Christmas break at Grand Line High, and Nami dubbed the atmosphere as too dull for the season. As such, she turned her computer (which was incredibly expensive and a top-of-the-line model) on, logging into her mail and picking out the easiest person to sway on her plan. She typed quickly and concisely, the air of mischief yet genuine playful intention dancing about.

- - - - - - - - - -

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
Subject: Christmas Exchange

I've been thinking, since it's almost Christmas, we can have a Christmas exchange event; something similar to Secret Santa. I know it sounds silly but Luffy and the others wouldn't pass this opportunity up for anything. The receiver and giver will be drawn from a hat, of course.

What do you think?

To: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Re: Christmas Exchange

Nami-san,

Not at all! It sounds like a superb idea. I'll go and explain it to everyone, that way you can start the drawing whenever you want.

Yours truly, Sanji

To: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Re: Christmas Exchange

Nami-san,

I'd hate to fill up your inbox like this, but Luffy is shuffling around for his straw hat and using it as an excuse to eat anything he comes across. You wouldn't happen to be using that as your drawing bowl, are you? I'll keep him busy until you're finished, then.

Yours truly, Sanji

P.S. I was drawn for your name, right, Nami-san?

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
Subject: Re: Christmas Exchange

Yeah, I'm done with it. It's on the deck, he should have found it by now. I messaged everyone with who they're going to be giving to, yours should come after this. Remember to have your gift ready before Christmas break, otherwise you won't be able to get it to your receiver on time.

I'm not changing your angel.

And no.

To: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Nami-san, why!?

Nami-san,

That marimo is certainly not an angel! What did I do to receive such a heinous punishment? I did something wrong, didn't I? There's no way I'm going to give to an ingrate like that!

Yours truly, Sanji

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: ILoveOkaneandMikan[at]tiempo[.]com
Subject: Re: Nami-san, why!?

No.

- - - - - - - - - -

After some more silent incessant whining and complaining - he blamed Luffy's hat for the accursed drawings - Sanji took a deep breath and checked the dreaded email address on his contacts list. He wondered why his 'angel' had made such a ridiculous username before setting to message him, defying the main rule of Secret Santa concerning secrecy. This is the marimo, rules don't matter, damn it.

- - - - - - - - - -

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Shit Swordsman

What do you want?

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Shut up, Idiot Cook

What?

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Shut the hell up, Marimo

... What do you want for Christmas?

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Wait, what?

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Shut the fuck up, Shithead

The subject is for the subject, idiot. Don't spam me with empty messages.

Answer my question, lest you have a brain the size of a pea.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Whatever

Is this for that dumb exchange that Nami set up?

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Cat got your tongue?

It's not dumb, Shit Swordsman! How dare you insult Nami-san's plan! You need to learn to appreciate events like this.

Stop wasting my time and just answer the question.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Hell no

It's pointless.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Wonderful retort

Not in the slightest, Marimo.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: (no subject)

It is.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Backing out?

ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.

- - - - - - - - - -

Unfortunately, Zoro apparently did not wish to comply, leaving a furious cook in his so-called waking.

- - - - - - - - - -

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Hey

Why so silent all of a sudden? It's been half an hour.

- - - - - - - - - -

Still the swordsman chose to ignore him. Eye twitching, Sanji tapped the keyboard for a good hour, then began typing once more.

- - - - - - - - - -

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: You fell asleep on the keyboard, didn't you?

Wake up, damn it.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: No

Anything that goes well with sake. White rice, too.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: What the hell?

Did I ask you what your favorite food was?

No.

But whatever.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Think it over, Cook

I answer and you get angry. I swear you're PMSing.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Kindly shut up
Attachment: Don't get lost, Shithead[.]pdf

Shut the fuck up and come here. I attached a map.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Why?

What for? I see no point in visiting you while you're PMSing.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: Fuck you

Come here before I kick the shit out of you.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Nah

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: (no subject)

FUCKING MARIMO.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: Fine, I'm coming, you woman

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: SPAM!?

Stop sending blank messages, Shithead! It's a waste of two precious seconds I could be using to cook something delicious for Nami-san and Robin-chan!

- - - - - - - - - -

When he didn't receive a response, Sanji kicked the system and typed up another barrage of messages.

- - - - - - - - - -

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: What the fuck?

It's been three days! Where the hell are you?

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: WHAT THE FUCK?

This is the last time I'm singularly cooking and waiting for you! You're dead when I find you!

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: PMS, PMS

The food was good though.

To: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
From: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
Subject: !!!

I hate you.

To: Mr. Prince[at]red-leg[.]com
From: SleepIsGoodForYou[at]santouryuu[.]com
Subject: I hate you, too.

- - - - - - - - - -

Nonetheless, everyone received their gifts for the exchange - save for Sanji, whose Secret Santa (who was actually Zoro) had fallen asleep and completely forgotten. After a piercing glare from Nami for his irresponsibility, however, a compliment here and there was enough to satisfy the positively steaming cook. The swordsman found it to be sheer luck that Sanji never discovered Zoro was supposed to be his giver. And he hoped he wouldn't ever come to find out.