Yes. I hated the “movie” so much, I had to make a parody. I’ve already written “Twilight the Movie: 25 Reasons Why it SUCKED”, so why not a parody?

Go ahead and flame me and try to convince me that the movie was the greatest thing under the sun since sliced bread. But just remember this: I DON’T CARE! The movie sucked. End of sentence.

I tried to remember all of the movie the best I could, so bare with me on that.

ON WITH THE STORY!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the movie (thank the lord) because I would not want angry fangirls hunting me down.

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Scene 1:

The camera shakes violently around the view of a deer and the viewer feels like they might just spit back up their skittles. The deer perks up and runs away, just to be attacked by a mysterious person in jeans. The camera shakes some more.

Camera Guy: (whispers) Ahhh! Run everybody! It’s an earthquake! Ahhh!

Director: Jim!

Camera Guy looks up sheepishly, but stops.

Bella: (Insert boring monologue. Some about being self-sacrificial…blah blah blah…Bella picks up cactus to take with her. Aww!)

Phil: Yo! Gech’yo ass in da ca’ foo!

END SCENE

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Scene 2:

Bella is in the car with Charlie. Bella looks like all connections with her brain are failing and Charlie looks like he’s gunna score later on…

Charlie: Don’t have sex, okay?

Bella: (looks over at him, pulled out of her thoughts) Wah?

Charlie: Don’t have sex. Never. Ever.

Bella: Okay.

They arrive at the house and Charlie stalks Bella up the stairs. She stops in her room, looking around, hugging her cactus.

Charlie: The nice saleslady picked out the bedding. Hope you like purple—it was clearance and I can’t return it.

Bella: (pulled out of “thoughts”) Wah? Oh, yeah, cool.

Bella is clearly thinking “Crap…purple…makes me wanna puke…”

Charlie: And there’s only one bathroom…

Bella: Oh…

Bella is definitely thinking, “XXXX!! Now where am I gunna hide my crack?...Hmm...sock drawer...no, panties...”

Charlie is suddenly gone and Bella thinks, “Crap, he wandered off again…”

A horn honks outside and Bella goes to inspect.

Charlie: You remember Billy and Jacob, donchya?

Bella: Yeah.

Billy: IMMA RUN YOU DOWN WITH MEH WHEELCHAIR BOY!

Bill proceeds to chase Charlie with his wheelchair while Jacob says something about mud pies…yummo, as Rachel Ray would say. Haha, that rhymed.

Bella: (fangirl scream) Is this for me?!

Bella walks over to truck and tries to open the driver door, bashing Jacob in the knees in the process. Jacob falls to the ground and twitches.

Billy: Get up! Only I’m allowed to kill you! That way I won’t have to sue who ever killed ‘ya and pay for a lawyer!

Bella: Hows it work?

Billy: Double pump the clutch.

Bella: Gotchya

Jacob is finally able to stand, bending over and rubbing his swollen knees. Bella exits the car and the door connects with Jacob’s head, sending him flying to the ground again.

END SCENE

Scene 3

Bella pulls up into an empty space in her truck. She gets out and heads for the school.

Tyler: Nice ass!

Director: CUT! No, no, no, Tyler! The line is something about a ride. Say it again….ACTION!

Tyler: I wanna ride that nice ass!

Tyler looks at the director and winks.

Bella: Thanks…?

Suddenly, papers fall from the sky and Bella heads…somewhere. I’m not exactly sure. These movie people never tell me anything anymore. Not after the last time….

END SCENE

Scene 4

Bella heads for lunch with Mike, who offers a chair to her. She begins to sit down when Tyler comes over and kisses her, then takes Mikes chair and heads for the empty closet at the end of the hall where him and his friends are playing a card tower game with chairs.

Jessica: (laughs) Sometimes you think they’re still seventeen.

Bella: What? (grins) Who are they?

Jessica: (loudly as they walk two feet behind her) Oh, the blond hooker is Rosalie, she’s currently doing Emmett, though I’ve seen her with Jasper behind his back…The short one is Alice—she’s really weird. She’s with Jasper, the one who looks like he’s overly constipated.

Alice and Jasper walk by and Jasper is thinking, “Okay, wearing three pairs of underwear does NOT make one feel more manly!—MAJOR WEDGIE!!”

Bella: (drools all over the table) Who is he?

Edward walks in looking like he just ran over his dog.

Jessica: That’s Edward. He doesn’t date. The others do….though I’m not sure how that’s legal…

Random Lunch Eater-er: They aren’t blood related…

Edward grimaces at Bella, a quick, meaningless exchange.

END SCENE

Scene 5

Bella enters Biology passing by a fan. Wait, why the hell do they have a fan on in the class room? I know it’s March, but here—flips a couple of pages in the newly aquired script—it’s icy out? What the hell!

Director: Just shut up and do your job…

Okay…Bella passes by a fan and time slows, making her look like a Victoria’s Secret model from an Axe commercial…

Mr. Molina: Here’s your book. Oh, and if anyone calls me Mr. Banner, no, I changed my name for some cultural diversity in this school.

Bella: Okay…

Bella turns toward the desk that Mr. Molina told her to sit at and sees Edward covering his face looking like he was either about to puke on every student or the dude sitting in front of him needed some Beano…

Bella sits and conspicuously sniffs her hair, groping it in the process.

A close up reveals that no, Edward is not wearing contacts, but that he needs some Clearasil…badly…The rest of class is silent and, as if he had some magical powers or something, Edward jumps out of his seat and leaves a split second before the bell.

END SCENE

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Yeah, so if ya wanna flame, go ahead. They’ll be used later in the story. Scenes 6-10 should be out later. Hope ya liked…actually, I don’t care if you didn’t XD…