|Down with Aro!
Author: fanciful.thoughts PM
After Felix burns Volturi Castle down with Aro's curling iron, the fearless leader himself gets it into his head that they should move to Forks and be neighbors with the Cullens- mainly to stalk Carlisle. It all goes to hell from there. Beware Caius's swearing. - CRACK; woe to you if you take Twilight seriously. - DISCONTINUED.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Aro - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15,192 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 40 - Updated: 03-11-09 - Published: 11-25-08 - id: 4677449
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
... Hello, people. I'm sort of afraid for my life right now... I know I haven't updated in a long, long time. Um... stuff came up? The next update will be soon, I swear.
Please don't kill me. If you do, you'll be deprived of Aro's lovely fashion sense.
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the story below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!
Chapter Six: Pee-Pee Men and Dignity
The weekend had flown by extremely quickly for the Volturi clan, being vampires of a very, very, very old age. So it was finally time for the day vampires and humans alike dreaded... Monday morning. Everyone had to rush off to school or work, and they (well… maybe not Aro) were all in horrible moods. Or, in Caius's case, a mood worse than horrible. Why? Well... Caius was being forced by Aro to teach five-year-old human children the building blocks of life, and he was absolutely not looking forward to it.
"Well, goodbye my dear family! It's my second day of work! Isn't that exciting?! Isn't it just so amazing and thoughtful that I'm helping people who desperately need help with their human issues?" Aro asked happily as he and Caius walked out the door. The white-haired man rolled his eyes. The gesture went unnoticed.
"Oh, yes! Have a nice day at work, sweetie!" Sulpicia exclaimed, giving Aro a kiss on his way out the door. Alec and Jane walked out after the older vampires, and Caius was just about to unwillingly let the troublesome twins into his fancy rental car when Sulpicia stopped them. "Alec! You forgot the lunch that I packed you!" she called, running out the door in her pink vintage 1950's dress.
"Um…when you make a peanut butter jelly sandwich, the peanut butter and jelly are supposed to go on the inside, not the outside…" Alec murmured, looking disgusted at the sticky mess. Jane giggled.
"Oh, I'm sorry! Its just that this cooking stuff is so complicated! I bet I could get Esme Cullen to help me!" Sulpicia giggled, thinking of a plan. This was rare since she usually didn't like to think much.
"Well… good luck with that! Come on, let's get this horrible day over with…." Caius muttered, shoving the twins into his car. After dropping Jane and Alec off at Forks High, he continued on to his job at Forks Elementary School, which he liked to call "The School for Retarded Baby Human Kids."
Caius parked his car and wandered in to the teachers' lounge.
"Hi Caius!" called a group of three female teachers who found him to be breathtakingly gorgeous. They were sitting huddled up in a little group at a table drinking coffee. A mousy brunette with large thick-rimmed glasses even gave a little wink as she waved at him.
"So… Caius, do you want me to make you some coffee? I can give you a lil' bit of sugar with it if ya' want." said a flirtatious, plump older woman with a Southern accent who was also sitting at the table. She and her friends giggled like little schoolgirls around their first crush.
"Um… no, its alright. I brought my own," he replied, holding up a thermos that was actually filled with human blood. "You know…I should really start working on today's lesson plan for the little ones!" he announced, rushing out of the teachers' lounge without even saying goodbye.
The brightly colored classroom was empty and quiet, just as Caius liked it. Instead of creating his so-called "lesson plan" he just sat at the undersized teacher's desk relaxing and drinking his blood. He knew he would not be able to relax for long. Soon, the hyperactive kindergartners bounced in to the classroom accompanied by their smiling parents. As they were all saying their goodbyes and getting into their seats, one of the mothers approached Caius.
"Oh, hello there, you must be the new teacher! I wanted to talk to you about a problem my son Hugo has. You see, when he gets a little excited he tends to wet himself, so-" the woman started, looking over at her son (he was trying to eat glue). Caius obviously didn't want to hear about it and couldn't care less.
"Yeah, um… I'll take care of that. Haveanicedaygoodbye!" he said, nearly shoving her out the door. Now, Hugo and another little girl named Beverly were fighting over the glue, which was apparently very tasty.
"HEY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU'LL GET POISONED AND DIE! DAMMIT YOU BABIES ARE SO STUPID! GET THAT STUFF OUT OF YOUR MOUTH NOW!" Caius yelled, snatching the glue away from the bickering children. Both Hugo and Beverly stared at him for a moment before bursting into tears. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Can you just shut up now? I lied, its not poisonous, the bottle says non-toxic! JUST STOP CRYING!" he yelled, yanking on his hair in frustration. Because just everyone knows that the way to make a little kid to stop crying is to yell at them more!
"Eeeeew! Hugo, why is the floor all wet?" Beverly squealed, jumping away and giggling.
"Oh shit...." Caius murmured, staring in horror.
"Hahahahahahaha! Look everybody! Hugo's a pee-pee man!" Beverly called to the whole class. Everyone laughed at poor Hugo and started to chant:
"Pee-pee man! Pee-pee man!" And Hugo would not stop crying. Caius groaned and smacked his forehead, letting his hand slide down his face in his frustration. He sighed and turned to Hugo, reining his temper.
"Hugo…I think its time for a potty break. Come with me." Caius demanded.
"NOOOO!" he whined.
"I said, come with me!" Caius snapped, starting to grow more and more impatient.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA!" Hugo yelled, still crying.
"Do you want to stay here and be a pee-pee man, or do you want to regain your dignity?" Caius asked sharply, tapping his foot in annoyance. Hugo looked up at him confusedly.
"Okay everyone, we are going to have a vocabulary lesson!" Caius announced, writing "DIGNITY" on the board. "Now the word dignity means nobility or elevation of character. Let me use this word in a sentence. My dumbass brother Aro lost his dignity when I beat him up and blatantly insulted him in front of his wife and colleagues." Caius said. "Now, can you all write that down?" He asked.
"NO!" all the children replied in unison.
"... Oh, fuck that! Just have free play time." Caius growled, plopping into his teacher's chair.
"Hahaha! Fuck is a funny word! Will you teach us what that means?" a scrawny little kid named Lars asked.
"No, it is a bad word. Don't ever say it. And don't tell your parents I said it in front of you." Caius ordered, opening his thermos.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" Lars yelled. Caius growled, slamming the thermos down and getting up.
"NO! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT! GO SIT IN THE CORNER! NOW!" Caius roared.
"But I don't wanna!" Lars complained. Meanwhile, the rest of the class was running amok. The little children refused to share their toys and were throwing them at each other, the girls were chasing the boys all around the room, and random paper airplanes kept hitting Caius in the face. Something just had to be done to control this chaos... but what could it possibly be?
"WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! DO YOU HAVE AN OFF BUTTON? JUST SHUT UP!" Caius yelled. The whole class of kindergartners started to weep, and now Hugo wasn't the only one crying. Caius didn't know what to do. He couldn't deal with these children... but he knew someone who could!
Within a few minutes, there was another vampire in the room, a very sweet, yet dim-witted one. It was Sulpicia, and she was carrying a very large tray of cupcakes with lots of frosting.
"Hello, human children!" she cooed, walking into the room gracefully. "I have some lovely little treats for you!" She said happily. Each child dropped what they were doing and chorused,
"YAAAAAAAY!" Sulpicia gave a cupcake to each of them. They stayed quiet for a while, happily devouring the cupcake-y goodness.
"Hey, I thought you didn't know how to cook?" Caius asked lightly, his temper under control. Sulpicia giggled, setting the empty tray down on his desk.
"Oh, dear Esme baked the cupcakes! I told her it was an emergency, but she promised to teach me how to cook just like her!" Sulpicia said.
"Alright," he shrugged. "Okay kiddies! What do you say to Sulpicia?" Caius asked. The kids stared at him, dumbfounded. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU, IDIOTS!" he yelled, his left eye twitching.
"Caius! That is no way to talk to innocent children!" Sulpicia scolded, batting him lightly on the arm. He muttered something incomprehensible and sat down behind his desk, picking up his long-waiting thermos. This left Sulpicia open to attack.
"You're so pretty! Are you a princess?" Beverly, asked as she and her friends came up to Sulpicia. The blonde vampiress giggled and shook her head.
"No, I am just the average Italian-American housewife!" Sulpicia said, sounding very rehearsed since it was probably something that Aro told her to say when asked questions of that nature. So the kindergartners, now on a sugar high continued through the day with Sulpicia to control them for a couple hours. Soon, it was all over and the children's parents came to pick them up, complimenting Caius on keeping them so happy all day long. The vampire tried very hard not to burst into spontaneous laughter at all the praise.
After the last irritating parent had left, Caius retreated back to the teachers' lounge where he could hopefully be alone. He had banked on the hope that all the other teachers would still be teaching since Kindergarten got out earlier, but he was mistaken. Apparently one of his admirers, the plump old southern lady, was also a kindergarten teacher.
"Oh, hello Caius! Fancy meetin' you here ain't it!" she said, smiling at him. He was too mentally exhausted to notice her wandering eyes.
"Yeah… damn. All those kids are crazy!" Caius muttered, mostly to himself, as he sat down.
"Hmm… well I really respect you for what ya' do. Half the kids in your class have ADD or ADHD. Teachin' that class seems like that would be harder 'n finding a jack rabbit on the prairie in the middle o' winter!" she laughed, smacking him on the back. He blinked.
"Wait… what?" Caius asked, turning his body to look at the woman standing behind his chair.
"Ya' know, you're a real lifesaver, findin' ya' last minute was a real blessin'! Ain't it just great how yer brother suggested ya' for the job? It ain't often that you find a job openin' in new town. I remember when I first moved here from Georgia, it took me 3 months to find a job here!" she said, oblivious to his uncaring expression.
"Wow… I suppose I'm really lucky." Caius replied sarcastically. "I think I should head home. It's funny you should mention my brother... we're having a wrestling match today, but he doesn't know it yet." he said, more to himself, smiling evilly.
"Alrighty then! I guess I'll be seein' ya tomorrow! Bye, bye Caius." she called, smiling and waving.
After a long treacherous day of teaching hyperactive five-year-olds and selling clothing and shoes for half-price, Caius and Athenodora hoped that they could have the rest of the night to relax together. But of course there would always be someone to ruin their hopes and dreams.
That someone was Aro!
"Hello my dear brother and sister in-law! We are here for our daily visit!" Aro exclaimed, bursting through the door with Sulpicia and the troublesome twin vampires Alec and Jane. Both of the blonde vampires made rude exclamations, jumping apart from where they had been getting cozy on the couch.
"Daily visit? No… no! We never agreed to that!" Athenodora snapped.
"Oh yes we did. It was in the contract you signed at the end of my book. In case you didn't remember, I planned these daily visits so that the togetherness we once had in Volterra would still remain alive here in Forks! You see, we no longer live together, and if we didn't visit each other every day we would grow apart!" Aro informed them, walking over and sitting down neatly between Caius and Athenodora.
"I don't see anything wrong with being apart from you." Caius said coldly.
"Oh, nonsense! Now tell me Caius, how was your day teaching the uneducated human children?" Aro asked.
"HORRIBLE. Why the helldid you sign me up to teach those insane little babies! I SWEAR SOME OF THEM HAVE MENTAL ISSUES!" Caius yelled, his famous temper jumping into play once more.
"They do not! They simply have mild learning disorders, such as ADD, but they most certainly are not suffering form any kind mental retardation or whatnot! They are energetic! There is nothing wrong with a child who is energetic!" Aro snapped back at him.
"Well, there is a problem when one of the kids pisses all over the place when he gets excited! And guess who's the one who has to clean up after him!?" He asked angrily.
"You?" Jane asked.
"No, the janitor. But still! It's annoying! I just can't take it anymore!" Caius roared, looking like he was ready to give Aro the worst ass-whooping he ever had in his whole life. The two of them fell into deep crouches, preparing for the fight. It was then that Marcus got up from under the table and uttered a few words, as he usually does at the end of the day.
"Ooooh. This is going to be exciting. I think I'll go make some popcorn."