Workplace?
Chapter One
Riz-I

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Shikamaru

Wide Forehead!!

Did you see Shika this morning? Did you?! What a BIRD!!! Not even joking. He should seriously let his hair down, though. I mean, I’ve never seen him with it down and I’ve known him since I was about a couple of hours old.

Kiba isn’t looking too bad either. That leather jacket does him wonders. You know, it’s a shame he doesn’t work harder and get a promotion. I’d seriously consider him then. And you know Shika only worked because he wanted that office with the really big window. He just wants to look at clouds.

What an idiot. What you wearing to Sasuke’s tonight? I don’t want to turn up in the same thing again.

Sheesh was that ever embarrassing.

At least I looked better in it than you. ^_^

Love,

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Go Die.

Shut up Ino. I don’t want to have to read your stupid thoughts. I have to listen to them all day as it is. I pity poor Hinata, sat in the ‘office’ (if you can call desks separated by plastic barriers attached to the desks an ‘office’) next to you. If I can hear them from here… her ears must be bleeding.

I don’t stare at Shikamaru so no, I didn’t see him this morning. I’d appreciate you keeping those thoughts to yourself.

As for Kiba, he brings Akamaru into the office with him. How do you even look at someone who flagrantly disregards the rules like that in a serious way?

If Shikamaru wants to look at the clouds, more power to him. I don’t need you to tell me about it.

And I’m wearing a black wrap-dress. And you only looked better that time because you paid Kiba to get Akamaru to pee on mine.

I still haven’t managed to get the smell out.

Leave me alone.

Sakura

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Me, Die?

Hyuuga, Uchiha, Nara. Have you noticed how if you take the first letters it makes Hun? You know, like we did in History when we were like, five.

Anyways, those three power whores are so strict, did you hear they’re thinking of monitoring e-mails? You know that Hyuuga always acts like he has eyes in the back of his head anyway. He doesn’t need to have them in our computers as well.

You see that, Wide Forehead? You see how I FLAGRANTLY ignored everything you wrote and then just wrote whatever the hell I wanted to instead?

You going to make a play for Sasuke tonight, or do I get to do the honours?

Oh bollocks. Hyuuga’s coming.

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Player

How many do you want? You want Shikamaru and Kiba… but you also want Sasuke.

Get over yourself. Just because you’re blonde doesn’t mean you can have more fun.

What did Neji have a go at you about? I could tell it was something good Yamanaka. Don’t keep me out of this!

He really needs to shout when he’s criticizing. I couldn’t hear a word.

Sakura

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Neji Hyuuga Is A Dick!!!

You know what he said? He said I typed his speech up wrong and that it sounded far too ‘flowery’. Did you notice he used the word ‘flowery’. A dig at my parents’ business?! What a dick!!!

He said I have to give it all to Tenten to re-do. Why didn’t he just give it to her in the first place?! She is his personal secretary!!

Hang on. Neji/Tenten… do you reckon there’s something there? I mean, she isn’t exactly ugly is she?

Speaking of not ugly people. I do believe my blonde hair does in fact mean I’m allowed more fun.

I don’t know who told you pink is a good look for you. You know, I’m surprised Uchiha hasn’t fired your ass for it yet.

And obviously I already said Kiba’s just fit. I’d never seriously consider getting with him. I’m not his type. I don’t look or smell enough like a dog. Hey, you know what? You should wear that dress Akamaru marked and you’ll have Kiba in the palm of your hands. You already have the looks... and the dress’ll add the smell.

Shikamaru is a clueless fool, and anyway, he’s with that Temari girl from the Art department, isn’t he?

Her brother, Gaara, you know, the scary one who transferred from that rival magazine, you remember, he fired all those people in his first month? Now he is GORGEOUS!!! But you know, too scary.

Sasuke Uchiha? He part owns this entire magazine AND completely owns the company who owns the magazine, he’s good looking, his family pretty much owns the country, he’s good looking, he’s super cool and did I mention he’s good looking?

Our kids would be gorgeous. Oh my. Did you see him walk past then? Mmm. He smells delicious. What is that? It certainly ain’t flowers I’ll give you that.

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: You Think Gaara’s Fit? ^O^

No way Ino!! How low can you sink? You know he almost put Lee in hospital. If old man Maito hadn’t stopped him punching him. And just because Lee said maybe firing almost the entire Legal Department wasn’t the best move.

Shikamaru’s not technically with Temari. They just get lumped together on a lot of things. But you, him and that Chouji guy from the Food Department who gets crumbs stuck in his keyboard, you all go way back right? Yeah. Stick with Shikamaru. Or go for Chouji.

It’s Hugo Boss. And coffee. I don’t even want to imagine your kids. But yes, he does smell nice doesn’t he.

Neji and Tenten? They’ve been friends since they were kids. She likes him… like, a LOT. But I think he just kind of sees her as a friend. I don’t really know though. Ask Hinata, she’s Neji’s cousin, right?

And you know Hyuuga knows how to get at people. Probably why he went for the whole ‘flowery’ thing.

And now for the most important bit…

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FREAKIN’ DOG!!! AND I DON’T WANT KIBA!!!! YOU CAN FREAKIN’ HAVE KIBA!!!! I DON’T WANT HIM, OR HIS STUPID ASS DOG!! SO IF YOU MAKE ANY MORE STUPID SUGGESTIONS I WILL SHOOT YOU!!!!

Sakura

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Your Many Admirers

Ahh Sakura, what to do with you?

You’re list of beauties is endless. Naruto the fool. Lee the weirdo with bushy eyebrows. Kiba… and his dog.

I suggest you leave Sasuke to me.

I can think Gaara’s fit without fancying him. Sheesh Sakura, calm down. And as for his sister, that slut can have Shikamaru. Because… I’m going to be fighting you for Sasuke. And I’m going to win. You know how manipulative I can be. I can practically control anyone I want to. ^_*

And I’ll check on that whole Neji/Tenten thing. You know, I really do reckon I’m onto something!!

Ino

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Your Cousin

Hey Hinata. It’s Ino. Obviously.

So, Neji and Tenten, eh? What’s the story?

Spill it.

Love,

Ino.

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: My Cousin

Erm, Neji and Tenten are just friends. Erm. I think. You know, I could, you know, check with him. If you wanted me to.

I’m sorry if, you know, that’s not what you were hoping for. And, er, I could be wrong. But, erm, I’m pretty sure that’s all there is.

Hinata

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Get Your Act Together!!

How many times did you use the words; ‘erm’ and ‘you know’ in that four sentence e-mail?

Get some self confidence woman!!!! And I’m sure there is something with this whole Neji/Tenten thing.

I’ll do some research myself.

You want to come eat lunch with me and Sakura? That stupid Naruto from the PR Department will be there though. He talks way too loud. Seriously. It’s ridiculous. And he has a blatant crush on Sakura. It’s weird. Anyways, do come. I’ll collect you from your booth before we go.

Ino

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Lunch

Thank you. And, er, I’ll try.

Hinata.

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Neji Hyuuga

Hinata says they’re just friends. I bet she knows more than she’s letting on. She’s coming to lunch with us.

Ino

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Hyuuga Neji, Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Working Girls

Is it just me, or has Sakura shrieked at her computer about five times in the last ten minutes? And Hinata is bright red and Ino keeps looking around suspiciously and sniffing whenever I walk past.

Do they actually work?

Sasuke

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Who Cares?

Seriously. As long as they get their columns in on time.

Who gives a damn?

Shikamaru

P.S Maybe she has a cold.

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: They Better Be Working

I’m going to go have a look.

Neji

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Sly?

Did you see Hyuuga trying to slyly check our monitors?

Good thing I’d just finished with my e-mailing. Ha ha!!!

You didn’t get caught did you, Wide Forehead?

Ino

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: HAHAHA!!!!

Yes, you did!! And it was something about him you were typing too!!

HAHAHA!! As if you didn’t notice!!!

CANED!!!!!

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: … Just Wait Until Lunch

I’m going to kill you.

Sakura

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: You Were Right

I caught Miss Haruno typing an e-mail to Miss Yamanaka and my cousin, Miss Hyuuga about myself and my personal secretary, Tenten.

I’ll forego the details.

She does have rather… vivid imaginations.

God knows where they came from.

Neji-Sama

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Me

Warn your friends, if I catch them talking about me…

No-scratch that. If I catch them doing anything not work related again…

They’re fired.

Neji-Sama

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura

Subject: Neji’s Message

I’m sorry. But Neji said I had to tell you if he catches you doing anything not work related again, he’ll fire you.

I’m sorry. I really am.

Hinata.

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: Sama?

Neji- SAMA? Get over yourself.

I own you Hyuuga. Pure and simple. I own you.

Sasuke

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Ownership

No you don’t Uchiha. No you don’t.

And you should really see a therapist about your power-issues.

Neji- Sama

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: I’m The Boss

And I could FIRE your ass right now.

Sasuke

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Firing Me

Yeah, you could. But you wouldn’t. Because without me, this magazine would collapse in a day.

And you know it, Uchiha.

Hyuuga-Sama

P.S Are you seriously going to have a party for everyone tonight?

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: Shut Up

And yes. I am.

Sasuke

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Tonight

I need an escort Nara. And you’re lucky enough to be the chosen one.

I won’t need you once we actually get inside. I just need you when we walk through the door and until I find Sasuke.

Ino.

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Escort

I can’t. It’d be way to troublesome if I was seen with you.

Shikamaru

P.S. I promised I’d go with Temari anyway because Gaara doesn’t go to parties and Kankuro’s ill or something.

P.P.S. Try Kiba.

P.P.P.S. Or Chouji

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura, Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!!!!

We go to lunch… now.

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Shikamaru ^_^

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! KIBA…

OR CHOUJI!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!

He’s HILARIOUS!!!

Sakura

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Good Job (Y)

Oh Nara you absolute GENIUS!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sakura

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Re: Good Job (Y)

I know that already. But what have I done this time?

Shikamaru

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Genius

It doesn’t even matter. You’re a genius without even knowing you are.

You absolute LEGEND!!

Go Shikamaru!!

Sakura

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Sakura

You like her, man? She’s troublesome.

She really is.

Move on.

Nara.

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Love Advice

I don’t need any from you.

And I don’t like her anyway.

She’s annoying.

Uchiha

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Haruno Sakura, Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Thank You

Lunch was fun. Thank you for inviting me. Mr Uzumaki wasn’t too bothersome. Thank you for defending me though.

Hinata

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Naruto

We’re you’re friends. Obviously we would defend you. And Naruto’s a twat, but I’m sure he didn’t mean to call you what he did. It’s just that, like I said, he’s a twat.

Sakura

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Lunch

You weren’t anywhere near as boring as I thought you’d be. You should join us again tomorrow.

Naruto, on the other hand. Won’t be.

I’ll kill him at Sasuke’s party tonight. Are you going?

Ino

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura

Subject: Thank You ^_^

Thank you both. And yes, I am.

Hinata.

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Uzumaki Naruto

Subject: Hyuuga Hinata

NARUTO!!! IF YOU EVER OFFEND ONE OF MY FRIENDS AGAIN I WILL CASTRATE YOU!! UNDERSTAND? C-A-S-T-R-A-T-E… CASTRATE YOU!!!!!!

Sakura

From: Uzumaki Naruto

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Feisty

I love a feisty woman. Be mine Sakura. Be mine.

Naruto

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Uzumaki Naruto

Subject: You

Drop dead.

Sakura

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Castrate?

I’m sure I’m seeing things. But… I swear I saw the word castrate on your computer screen when I walked past.

Your article is on Konohamaru’s 18th Birthday Party. He hasn’t been castrated has he?

Don’t let me catch you again. Mister Hyuuga said he already caught you typing inappropriate things once today already.

Two strikes Miss Haruno.

Mr Uchiha

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Re: Castrate

It was work related.

I swear.

Sakura

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Work

I suggest you get back to it.

Mr Uchiha

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Stop Screaming!

Akamaru’s going to start barking and then what am I supposed to do?

Stop shrieking.

Kiba

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: Dumb Dog

Yes, the subject line is about you.

Rule Number 107: NO PETS ALLOWED IN THE OFFICE AT ANY TIME!!!!!

Sakura

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Don’t Even…

Did you just call me a dumb dog?

And who gives a damn about the rules.

Kiba

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: Yes

Yes I did.

And you should. Or Hyuuga might just find an anonymous tip slipped under his office door…

A tip saying ‘Check The Big Cubby Under Kiba’s Desk’

Sakura

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Oh Really?

And Uchiha might just find an anonymous tip slipped under his door.

A tip saying ‘Sakura Haruno Is A Lesbian’

Kiba

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: …

You wouldn’t dare.

Sakura

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Watch Me.

Oh yes I would.

Kiba

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: Dogs.

Go rape some.

Sakura

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: HAH!!

Was that you I just saw Uchiha take to his office?

It must be, nobody else has bright pink hair.

Akamaru doesn’t like it you know.

Kiba.

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: SASUKE!!!!

WHAT DID HE WANT WITH YOU?!! HURRY THE HELL UP AND COME BACK AND TELL ME!!

Ino

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Haruno Sakura

Uchiha, why did I just see you escorting Miss Haruno into your office?

She could sue for harassment you know. Mind out.

Neji

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Inuzuka Kiba, Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Both Of You

Get lost.

Sakura

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: She Was Sending A Message

Telling somebody to go and rape a dog. I had to take her into the office to give her a warning. If I hadn’t, like you said, she could have sued.

She was pretty cool about it, actually, considering, you know, I’m the big boss and could have called her in there to fire her.

You know, I reckon she’s never taken me seriously since I accidentally kissed Uzumaki in front of everyone when we were 12.

I told her castration and dog-raping were not suitable topics for me to see on her computer.

She told me I smelt of coffee and Huggies. Now, I don’t like to think I was just told I smell like nappies… but I don’t see what else she could have meant.

Come in here now, Hyuuga. And bring that Inuzuka guy with you. He has a nose like a search dog.

Sasuke

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: Not You Too!!

Why is everyone going to Sasuke’s office today?

And why did you personally get called there by Hyuuga Dick himself?

And why can’t I be called to Sasuke’s office?!

Ooh! E-mail from Sakura. Laters, Mutt Boy.

Ino

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: I Told Him

He smells like Huggies.

I meant Hugo Boss. But I said Huggies.

He said “Castration and dog-raping is not really a suitable topic of discussion, don’t let me catch you again or I’m going to have to punish you.” And I said. “Thank you; you smell like coffee. And Huggies.”

And then I high-tailed it out of there. Oh my God!! INO!! How can I show my face at his party tonight?!

Sakura

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Here’s An Idea…

…Don’t.

It’ll make my job of flirting with him oh so much more easier.

Not that you being there will make it much harder. I mean, you did just tell the guy he smells like nappies.

Good job Sakura. I couldn’t have made you sound more of an idiot to him than you just made yourself sound.

Good job Sakura Haruno. Good job.

Ino

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: Huggies

I have had it confirmed that I don’t, in fact, smell like Huggies.

Might I recommend Uchiha Hospital for you to get your nose checked? You’ll get high quality treatment there, I assure you. Ask for Itachi.

Mr Uchiha

From: Haruno Sakura

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Re: Huggies

I meant Hugo Boss.

Obviously.

Sakura

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: Huggies/Hugo Boss

She says she meant Hugo Boss, not Huggies.

Sasuke

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Tenten

Subject: Can You Get Me

A rope, some duct tape and a gun?

I need to kill Uchiha.

Neji

From: Tenten

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: Sir

I don’t think that’s legal.

Tenten

P.S. I finished that script you had Ino Yamanaka hand me.

From: Hyuuga Neji

To: Tenten

Subject: I Don’t Care

He’s driving me CRAZY!! He asked me to sniff him to see whether he smelt of nappies.

I kid you not, Tenten. Nappies.

Neji

P.S. Bring me it then.

From: Tenten

To: Hyuuga Neji

Subject: Right Away

Sir! Yes! Sir!

HAHAHAHA!!! ^_*

A please would be nice. But I know I’m not going to get one off YOU!! MASTER Hyuuga!!

Be right there.

Tenten

From: Inuzuka Kiba

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: Uchiha

He asked me to smell him and tell him what he smelt of.

I said men’s perfume and coffee and also some toast. And testosterone.

And he asked to make sure there was no smell of nappies.

Do you think our Uchiha Boss is incontinent?

Kiba

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: Re: Uchiha

No way!! I’d rather have something with CHOUJI than someone who wears nappies.

Oh my God!!!

Sakura can have him!!

Ino

P.S. I’ll ask Shika

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Incontinence

Does Sasuke Uchiha wear nappies?

Ino

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Yamanaka Ino

Subject: ?

How do you come up with such stupid questions?

Shikamaru

P.S. Of course he doesn’t.

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Shut Up

Office gossip. Keep up, Nara.

Ino

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Inuzuka Kiba

Subject: It’s Okay

He doesn’t actually wear them.

Ino.

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: So, I Hear You Wear Nappies

What do you prefer? Huggies or Pampers?

Shikamaru

From: Uchiha Sasuke

To: Nara Shikamaru

Subject: Nara,

Do you want me to kill you? I’ll do it.

Sasuke

From: Nara Shikamaru

To: Uchiha Sasuke

Subject: Therapist

I’ve told you before, man. You need to go see a therapist.

Now.

Shikamaru

From: Uzumaki Naruto

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Hinata

I didn’t mean to be so rude at Lunch today.

We’re cool though, right?

Naruto

From: Hyuuga Hinata

To: Uzumaki Naruto

Subject: It’s Okay

Don’t worry Mr Uzumaki. I don’t mind.

Hinata

From: Uzumaki Naruto

To: Hyuuga Hinata

Subject: Cool

Cool then. So I’ll see you at Lunch tomorrow. ^_^

And it’s Naruto. Mr Uzumaki makes me sound old.

Naruto

From: Yamanaka Ino

To: Haruno Sakura

Subject: The Uchiha Party Tonight!! ^_^

I'll meet you at yours, OK? Then we'll go together.

The only person molesting me will be the Uchiha Boss himself.

So you can just go die.

Love You ^_^

Ino