Rosencrantz & Guildenstern

Crystal Rain To Morning Sun

The Story of Leah Clearwater

With an empty sigh, I slumped down and rested my elbows on the shop counter, watching as the hard steel rain came sleeting down the sloped front windows. No customers had come in for almost an hour, and I was seriously considering skipping out on the rest of my shift for the day.

Other people might find the endless rain depressing in a way. Not me. It symbolised my feelings so perfectly I might as well have been looking in a damn mirror. Once upon an impossible time I loved the light and sunshine, not to mention being around other people.

Lost in my utterly miserable thoughts, I didn't notice my boss set off the wind-chime next to the door and stride into the shop literally emanating disgusting cheerfulness and wellbeing.

'Mind putting these flyers on the counter before you leave, girl? Some young man handed these to me in the street for display, I believe his name was Mike Newton, from that nice sporting goods store.' my boss said jovially.

'I couldn't care less.' I muttered with irritation. Why wouldn't the old guy just let me go? I was so not in the mood for this.

'Thank you so much! See you tomorrow!' I heard faintly in the distance, followed by a ripple of chimes.

Might as well humour him. I glanced down at the top flyer on the counter, blinking in shock as my mind registered what was on it.

A cold, winter forest scene with a sparkling frozen lake was what the picture showed. But that wasn't what my dark brown eyes had been focused on. Right at the front, was a huge, night-coloured wolf howling at the moon. His fur had the beautiful blue tint which only came with the deepest black, and the wolf's posture had all the majestic command of an Alpha werewolf.

'Sam . . . . . .' I gasped. Not again, I thought wildly, as the pain washed over my shuddering body. Already almost a year and the crushing hurt of his betrayal (and upcoming wedding to my cousin Emily) had never lessened.

Stumbling out of the door and into the small gathering of evergreens about a hundred metres behind the shop, I fell to the ground, dimly noting that my long dark hair would be ruined by the time I got home.

Unlike most people, I really could get away from my horrible, unsatisfying self, and all the painful memories. Feeling shudders and heat dance up and down the length of my spine; I concentrated on the mind-image of the small, silver wolf that was the other half of my spirit and my only escape.

Ironic, wasn't it? I was supposed to be at the top of the food chain, a natural predator. Funny, I really felt more like one of the terrified, fleeing deer I hunted throughout the perpetually wet forests of Forks, bounding away in terror, but knowing there was no escape from the torture. Leaping forwards and running into a vortex of dark emerald trees, I surged into the wolf's heart and soul and in doing so, left the miserable human woman far, far behind me.

Yes, that's me. Leah Clearwater, the pretty but rejected young woman, female werewolf, supposedly magic, native spirit of the Quileute tribe, and downtrodden member of the pack where my once-fiancé was the beautiful, night black Alpha wolf.

Completely handing control over to the wolfish instincts, I ran, not sure exactly for how long.

My wolf mind was simple and clever, sensing and feeling every part of the forest. I heard the rustle of every tiny mouse with perfect clarity, to the swish of air as an owl soared across the sparkling midnight sky.

Each and every thing had its own individual scent, and as I inhaled, breathing with exertion, smells rushed into my nose, the most potent ones foremost. There was the clean, pure and wet scent of the rain, and the river. Right alongside it was the fragrance that was dark, moist earth which had jade plants growing and shivering with the silent song of nature that no human could hear. Also the warm tang of tasty and appetizing elk and deer bounding in search of tonight's dinner, and also many other smells that swirled throughout the damp trees.

It was a good distraction, my human mind said, trying to return. No, the wolf snarled, baring my dripping teeth in a furious grimace. This is me! My two consciousnesses fought for a few minutes, but the animal dominated. I relaxed into a sitting position at the top of a small bush-covered hill overlooking the roaring emerald river, panting with the after-effect of my impulsive wandering.

I trotted down the slope and into the icy river, my wolf mind taking a long drink of water, then shaking her head and silver body, spraying crystalline drops of liquid through the cold air. Once again taking in the purifying scent of the water, the wolf inhaled in bliss, then in angry disgust as a horrible, cloying odor polluted the clean atmosphere.

Vampire, both my minds spat.

Quickly circling round, sending water flying in a shining arc, I jumped into the air and dashed onto the dark green lawn.

Expecting to see a stinking bloodsucker standing a few metres away, my hackles rose in surprise as all I saw was another wolf, gangly and sand-colored, sheepishly slinking out from behind a mossy boulder. It was only my annoying baby brother with the vampire stink all over him. Pacing over to him, I sighed deeply that my escape was now gone, taken away by my pack-mate.

Seth, I groaned. Why'd you have to come now, pest? I complained, pawing the ground with my foot in stress.

I'm worried about you, sis. You seemed kind of sad today. Why?

Rocking back, and feeling all the pain and hurt that had been contained by the wolf sink into my spirit, I howled in misery and bitterness. Why am I depressed? God, take a wild guess, little brother! WHO'S GETTING MARRIED SOON?

Oh, sorry. I forgot. Seth thought, bowing his head in shame.

You forgot. YOU FORGOT. I raged, snarling in fury that he could be so ignorant.

Seth walked closer tentatively. I just hate to see you like this, Leah. Do you think . . . you might be better off if you got over Sam?

Think I haven't tried? Tried so hard to forget my love for him that I've sunk to living as a wolf for weeks on end? I told Seth hopelessly, sighing in defeat.

Yeah, I guess. That does work . . . . for a while. But you are human, Leah, even with the wolf spirit.

Well, yes, but you're forgetting our pack. Most of those brats I can deal with, but not Sam being there all the time!

You're avoiding the question! If you don't try and deal with the whole Sam thing it'll never go away!

It won't go away anyway! The pack hears each other's every thought! I can't bear being a werewolf and seeing and hearing all Sam's memories with Emily! I threw at him in anger, the beginnings of a growl stirring my throat. And it's none of your damn business, Seth! Yes, I'm Sam's pathetic ex-girlfriend that he can't get away from, and I can't stand it any longer! I'm leaving Forks, and to hell with protecting the tribe from vampires! Why do you have their stench all over you anyway?

Seth whined in worry. Well, you know I've had a cold lately, guess I ran through part of their territory without noticing. But don't go, Leah! Forget Sam, what about Mum and me? I don't like to see you sad, but running away won't help things, and there's no way to stop transforming.

I wasn't listening by that point. Leaping over the river, I shoved Seth to one side, knocking him gently to the ground. Sorry, little brother. I thought with a pang of remorse, and once again disappeared into the forest, then taking some of my anger out on an old stump. Seth didn't deserve to receive the full brunt of my horrible temper, but I didn't know what he expected from a bitch like me.

No. Deep down, I did know. Seth was a caring little brother, and an even better person, so he couldn't understand bitter people like me, and expected me to understand him.

And most likely as soon as he found me again he'd be trying to offer me comfort and help. He was too kind! He should have had a better sister than me! Someone who was nice, supportive, happy. . . .Someone who could stand on her own two (or four) feet and help him with his problems too.

If only I'd never introduced Sam to Emily, all of this would've never begun, I thought with a fresh mental stab. We'd been happy together, I loved him so much, and he'd loved me too then.

But now why couldn't I get over him, as Seth had reminded me? Sam was engaged to Emily now and obviously in love with her to the point of all the imprinting rubbish of the werewolves! Being a werewolf was supposed to instinctively tie you to your perfect soul mate in life, but I was still in love with Sam, even after I knew there was no hope for us anymore. Whimpering faintly with hopelessness, I began walking with my dripping head bowed, the fierce, fighting light of the wolf spirit completely extinguished.

Maybe I could move on from my feelings for Sam if I didn't have to hear his thoughts almost every day, and he mine. But even worse than his love for Emily was his now-repulsed thoughts of me, wishing I had never joined the pack, wishing I would just die! I realised, setting free an echoing howl. And all the time I had to endure his disgust. Poor Sam also had to put up with me, in the way of his future with Emily!

But . . . as much as I hated his new view of me . . . . . I still wanted him to be happy. My greatest wish was for Sam's happiness, even though it was no longer with me.

Every one of his smiles, laughs, frowns and all his faces from the perfect time before Emily were my heaven on earth. I treasured all the time we'd had together in my heart, and those memories gave me the strength to endure the pain of my feelings. But like any love, those memories of us were a double-edged sword, and I still wasn't sure if I really wanted to forget Sam, as much as it hurt to still love him.

Picturing the young, dark-haired woman I looked like when mortal, I doggedly concentrated, and with a last flash of silver my wolf body morphed slowly back into human form.

Finally back to my human form, I began to think more clearly. The clear, cool rain had somehow calmed and stilled my thoughts. As I fainted in fatigue in the long swishing grass I glimpsed my home's lighted windows, over the next hill, and the irrevocable truth came to me in the form of a strange dream.

* * * * * * *

I was standing in the centre of a beautiful spring meadow just before dawn, somewhere in the Olympic Mountains round Forks. Splashes of colour dappled the fresh, green grass, in which were rainbow wildflowers dancing in the morning breeze. The sun began to ascend over the deep blue horizon, illuminating the life-filled forest round the meadow, and also softly lighting up the clear depths of the small stream that ran through the clearing's middle. The whole place whispered of peace and serenity.

Was this heaven? I sighed with joy, taking in the indescribable beauty of the dream. Turning round, I saw two wolves emerge from the trees, both instantly lit up by the sunlight. There was a young sand-hued wolf like Seth; I smiled, knowing it was fitting for my wonderful brother to be here. I then saw the huge wolf next to him, furry coat made up of all the satisfying earthy and deep red colours of the forest. But he looked like Jacob, usually the member of my pack who I most hated. But I couldn't hate him here. Nothing could ever be bad in this heaven.

They melted into human form, and both grinned in unison. The essence of the very air seemed, I noted in wonder, to make even Jacob's annoying face beautiful,.

'Come on, sis! All the game will get away!' Seth told me with a laugh, pulling on my arm.

'Let's go have fun, Leah. I'm your Alpha, so do what I say!' Jacob joked, giving me a warm smile.

'My Alpha?' I stuttered in confusion, 'I thought Sam . . .'

'Not any more!' Seth chuckled in amusement, 'You followed my advice, big sis!'

'The kid's right. You're over your past now, so it's dead and can't hurt you anymore.' Jacob confirmed.

I gasped in disbelieving hope. Was I really finally free of Sam?

'The painful memories are dead, and now . . . it's time for you to live.' they murmured, banishing my doubts, and glowing tears of happiness and relief flowed down my cheeks.

'Coming?' Jacob asked quizzically.

'The pack's not complete without you, sis.' Seth said with love, transforming into the sandy wolf.

'Thank you,' I said, voice ragged with emotion. I was wanted . . .

Jacob and I then morphed to the russet and silver wolves. 'Come on, boys! Let's go bag some deer!' I cried with joy.

And as the meadow faded into black in my head, the last image was of three wolves, running into the radiance of the morning sun. United . . . . .

* * * * * * *

And when I woke up, I knew something.

In the end, I had to eventually break away from the past, if not for myself, then for all the people who strangely enough cared about me. Especially for Seth . . . and maybe Jacob.

And then, I might finally be able to come out of my depression enough to tell Seth how much I really did love him. Lifting my chin and shaking back the streams of ink that were my hair, I began to run through the soft rain with the new fire of hope that the dream had sparked.

Yes. I'd find a way to change myself, no matter what. One day soon, I would be free.