CHAPTER FIVE

Ever since our first impromptu date, Royce sent flowers to my house every day. He continued to send roses, and each time I would get less and less irritated and more and more embarrassed at some of the very corny notes he would write. They were by no means dirty—it seemed impossible for someone of such a boyish charm who never went beyond trying to hold my hand—they were just really, really, really painfully corny.

What was I saying?

I didn’t like him—I had established that ever since my mother said his name. In fact, I hated him. But there he was tearing down whatever hate I had for him. He didn’t even know what he was doing to me. And I think when it came down to it, I didn’t really hate him. But that didn’t mean I liked him. Right?

I sat on the front porch of my house mulling over the idea of Royce and I. I was subconsciously twirling my blond hair against my thin fingers, playing different scenes of our countless dates together. And to be honest, I wanted that. I wanted to look up into someone’s eyes. I wanted to smile with them. I wanted to laugh with them. Then their eyes would sparkle and he’d say marry me please and I’d hesitate and he’d get wide-eyed and tell me that it’s okay if I wasn’t ready and that’d he’d wait. And I’d whisper, please just wait for me because I would have to take it all in. Breathe.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head onto my knees.

When Vera married her husband it didn’t matter much to me. I knew my time would come because if Vera could get married then surely I could too, right? But when the Depression started, suddenly the flirting stopped. Suddenly no one was interested in me. And when Vera gave birth to Henry I realized I was already seventeen and without a suitor. I was turning eighteen soon and I thought it was over. My mother, my father, and Tom and Nate depended on me, the girl of the family to help them.

And I wanted to help them. I really, really did. But now, I didn’t know if I could.

It was just too confusing. I wanted to be like Vera—it was probably the first time I envied Vera instead of the other way around. When Vera married I was happy for her, but did I want to get married as early as she did? No, because then there would be no more pursuers vying for my attention. I told myself I wouldn’t get married until my twenties.

My mother, being her natural self, told me I would do no such thing. So when Royce presented herself she was absolutely ecstatic that he showed some sort of interest in me.

Before I would have enjoyed him at my feet, but ever since the economy started to tumble I was reconsidering my own promise. If this Depression lasted any longer, who knew how long it would be before someone paid attention to me again? If I stopped seeing Royce and this… this crisis didn’t go away, I would never have a husband or children for as long as I lived.

And if it did stop, it could be too late. No longer would I be the beautiful Rosalie with thick blond hair that blew against the wind with porcelain skin like a doll’s.

I groaned and tugged my hair.

I wished Royce never stopped my to see my father. The dying hate I had for him was killing me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t love Royce—at least not yet, I kept telling myself. I didn’t need any of this. I wasn’t ready when he walked into my life. I didn’t know if I’d ever be. I would loved to be loved, but by him? I wanted the world to stop so I had time to think everything through, but I think that still wouldn’t be enough.

I wanted to leave Rochester for a while and let Royce wait for me. One day, I would be ready. I was still young, I was still catching people’s eyes. But I knew if I waited too long it would probably be too late and Royce would’ve found someone else and I would be left to die alone. I couldn’t expect him to wait for me. I was so lost.

I should’ve met a nice boy who was rough around the edges. Someone I met without the aid of my family. Someone daring. Someone beautifully broken. A carpenter. That bronze-haired carpenter.

I sighed. Why couldn’t he have pursued me? But there was nothing special about him, just that he didn’t look my way.

And that’s how many hours flew by. I went inside at one point. I didn’t remember when. What time was it? I didn’t care. Too tired to look, too tired to notice.

I remained in my room, absolutely still, and weighed every possible pro and con of being with Royce that I could think of. It wasn’t until my mother came into my room with a bouquet of flowers in her hand an ecstatic look on her face that I stopped thinking about it. From her face you would think the flowers were from a possible paramour of hers.

“Oh Rosalie, you’ll never guess what I have!” my mother exclaimed.

“Flowers?” I replied dejectedly.

My mother sighed and ignored the remark. Then she picked up the note attached to the flowers—they were violets this time—and read it: “You probably got tired of the roses for Rosalie, so here’s violets for your eyes that remind me of violets.”

I looked at my mother’s face and there was a dreamy look in her eyes. Despite the wrinkles and haggard lines on her face, I knew she was once a beautiful woman.

“I’m going to make sure he’s dizzy with a dame when he sees you again! Oh”—she flipped the card—“be ready by noon.” I couldn’t tell if it was a question or not—by the way my mother had read the note. Even if it was I knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

And like all the other times Royce had come over, my mother dressed me in a dress and had a glazed look in her eyes.

I wanted to back out. I wanted to stop myself from seeing Royce ever again, but I didn’t exactly know why. I think if we had met under different circumstances, it could’ve been different. But my mother needed me—probably more than I could ever imagine. Love wasn’t something that came and went as I pleased. Love could wait. Right now I needed to survive.

So I let my mother do what she wanted to do. I wouldn’t be selfish and let my own desire possibly destory my family. Right now they needed me. An maybe I needed Royce.

When she was done she was giggling like she had just finished a bottle of giggle water. How appropriate.

I smiled at her with tight lips just as I heard the door knock and open. I heard voice and footsteps and the sound of someone settling in. I breathed out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and followed my mother ut of my room, silently. She must have noticed my slight change in attitude, for she stopped right before we entered the room my father and Royce were currently residing in, and turned to me.

She didn’t stay anything, she just stared at me.

“Is something wrong, mother?” I whispered, “do you need to sit down, drink some water? I could—”

“No Rose, everything’s prefect,” she said and I knew exactly what she met. I was finally accepting Royce. I was finally letting him in. Only after a couple of dates and a couple of days of meeting him I was finally trusting him—trusting him to help my family.

She then began to lead me into the room where Royce was waiting. He looked just like I remembered him, all glorious and charming. He held out his hand and I took it as he led me out the door. He made a joke to my father and gave a compliment to my mother and whispered to me how beautiful I was, but I knew he did not love me.

Our date was the same as any other date, particularly because there was no place to go and nowhere to eat. I grew fond of our walks anyways, and he took notice. We took a different route each time and basked in each other’s presence. Or at least, he did to me. I just mulled over my own thoughts a lot. I was surprised he was still here.

“Rosalie?”

“Huh?” I asked, looking at him in the eyes.

“You were drifting. Penny for your thoughts?”

I was hesitant at first, but in the end decided to just let it all go. “I... I just... Do you like me?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, would I?” He looked amused.

“It’s just... my family adores you. In fact, my mother could talk all day about you that I bet if she wasn’t married to my father she’d be courting you.”

He laughed.

“And it’s just that, if you were only strining me along they’d be crushed. More than I would be. So if you don’t have... any kind of feeling towards me, then please tell me now.”

Royce stopped walking as I kept moving forward. I turned to him as the soft wind tousled his hair and his hands lay at his sides. His hands were smooth and delicate to touch, but at the same time had a lot of strength in them.

He was closer to me now, right in front of me. “Rosalie... I.... I like you. Possibly more than like. Possibly even love.”

Was that even possibe? Was it possible to love someone in such a short amount of time? Did love at first sight truly exist? He loved me, maybe I could grow to love him. I didn’t love him yet—I didn’t feel for him what he felt for me, but maybe one day I could. Or maybe this was the last chance at a family I could have. I couldn’t let it slip away.

It was all happening so fast. It felt like only yesterday I met him and now he was telling me he loved me? I knew Vera’s husband didn’t tell her he loved her until two months later!

But right now I wasn’t supposed to be thinking aboutlove. I was supposed to be thinking about survival, and this was my chance.

His forehead was resting against mine and his skin was soft. My hands reached for his face and let them rest on either sides of his cheeks. His jaw was strong, his voice passionate. There was truth hidden beneath those eyes. He was a beautiful creature with a beautiul voice and everything he said to me was beautiful. I wasn’t in love, but maybe I was getting there. Maybe we could be lovers one day, despite how we lived in the washed out city of Rochester.

I didn’t know how long we stood there because I couldn’t help myself as I let my lips touch his. I was holding his face in my hands as I let our lips brush each others. I wanted to feel that surge pass through us, that feeling of nothing else mattering.

He responded quickly, returning the kiss as I pulled away. One of his hands was on my hip, the other on my back, touching the ends of my blond hair. I closed my eyes as I kissed him and let my hands touch his face. From his cheeks to his jaw to his neck to his shoulders, I travelled.

And I didn’t feel the surge or the feeling of nothing else mattering, but maybe I had to give it time. Maybe one day, I could love him.

Whe he pulled away we stayed staring at each other before he broke into a smile.

“What?” I asked him, my voice raspy.

“I think I love you.”

I let out a little laugh and looked back at him. He was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to return the words. Except, I didn’t love him, not yet. And I wouldn’t say it until I meant it. My mother called me foolish when I told her that after she asked me if I told Royce I loved him. She said it wasn’t about love anymore, it was about survival. She drilled that in my head, yet I still stuck to what I believed in. It was time I stopped thinking about myself, she told me.

I was about to repeat the words to him, to finally let go of what I believed in so I could survive in this cruel world. I needed to, but was interrupted when my brother suddenly came to view as he ran to our direction.

“Sorry for the interruption lovebirds,” Nate started.

“Close your head Nate,” I said to him, having no problem making my voice clearly audible.

“Yeah, yeah Rose. Mother just wanted me to ask if Royce would like to stay for dinner.”

I turned to him, waiting for his answer. A part of me wanted him to say yes. Who had I become?

So when he said no I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. I was sure Nate noticed it too.

“I actually have to, my father is expecting me.”

I nodded and he gave me one last fleeting look before turning away. Just as he was taking a couple of steps impulse took over.

“Royce, wait!” He turned his entire body towards me and my voice hitched in my throat. “Would you... like to do this again sometime?”

I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but they had already been said and I knew I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t think I would even have wanted to.

Royce smiled and I forgot Nate was still there. “Of course. You know, I thought you would have never asked.”

“First time for everything?” I laughed at myself.

“Then I guess I’ll see you soon Rosie,” he said said with a smile on his face. I watched him walk away until I couldn’t see him anymore.

“Rosie?” Nate asked, suddenly beside me.

I turned my head at him and nodded before walking back to our house, Nate following behind.