Chapter Twenty-One

Sester had just taken a shower to help him recover from the effects of a massive hangover. He did feel slightly better, but not by much. What he needed was something from the infirmary. The cabin lights were dimmed and he had just put on a pair of black slacks when the door buzzer sounded. Sester winced at the aggravating sound and immediately went to open the door so that the noise would end.

"Vila…Oh…" He was not expecting Reya to be standing in his doorway. Reya raised her eyebrows as she saw his half-dressed state.

Sester said in a subdued tone, "Reya. It's a good to see you. I rarely get that privilege anymore." He tried to smile but only managed a brief one; anything more seemed to exacerbate the pain in his head. Sester moved aside to let her in.

Seeing Sester with only his pants on made Reya think that she should come back later. She entered cautiously and said, "I wanted to talk to you."

"Wanted to?" He didn't miss the tense.

She said, "I do want to, but I can come back when you're dressed."

Sester looked down at himself. The rest of his body seemed like a long distance from the pain in his head. "If that's the only thing bothering you, it's easily rectified. Let me slip into something more comfortable. You can stay for that part. I promise it won't be anything you haven't seen before."

Sester always managed to make things sound suspiciously indecent when talking to her. He was a master of innuendos and double meanings. He offered her a chair and then chose a dark grey tunic from the dresser and put it on.

[Back in his cabin, a listening Avon did not like what he was hearing. He had no idea that Sester was like this around Reya. He doubted if Argus did either, else Sester would be off the ship, and not in the most user friendly fashion.]

Reya made her disapproval plain as she sat down. "I'm not here to indulge your sense of humour."

Sester straightened his tunic and said with an apologetic grin, "Force of habit. You bring out the best in me. Though I'm sure you would call that my worst."

Reya was about to say something scathing, in response to his constant games, but restrained herself. She was here as a friend, albeit a reluctant one. "Vila was worried about you."

Sester realized the hazy mental picture of Vila in his cabin was not an alcohol-inspired vision. Vila had been here and he had seen him in a highly inebriated state. "He sent you?"

"He was worried, and so am I." There was genuine concern in her voice, despite her constant guardedness around him.

"You don't need to be, Reya, I'm not your concern. Face it; you don't really want to be here. Why are you?"

"You don't know me very well if you're asking me that," she told him.

"Maybe, it's hard for me to believe that someone like you could exist these days."

"Stop doing that," she said with exasperation. Sester always seemed to want to get under her guard, one way or another.

[Avon's impassive face had a definite scowl now as he kept listening. This was not what he wanted to hear but it was a good thing he did. What Sester was trying to do was very obvious. Avon planned to have some very interesting conversations with him afterwards. They had to keep a tighter check on this man.]

Sester said, "I'm only stating the truth, but I will stop it. I only want what you want."

"Then tell me why you've been drinking?"

Sester gave her as big a smile as he could without causing himself pain. He loved her directness and her disconcerting habit of cutting right to the heart of the matter, with very little preamble. He liked the foreplay though and he also had no intention of answering her questions that easily.

[Avon reacted in mild surprise at Reya’s straight question. He wondered how Sester would wriggle out of answering it. Avon had respect for Reya's single-mindedness when she wanted something. She would not let this go until she was satisfied, but Sester was not that easy a person to pin down.]

[Vila was pacing nervously on the flight deck. He had been trying to imagine what Sester could be saying about Avon and Anna. His wildly inventive mind was drawing up all kinds of alarming thoughts. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time and he had been very clever about it. He had been trying to help Avon. Avon had wanted it. Vila didn't know if all of this was such a good idea now. Plus he was stuck on the flight deck and he had no idea what was happening.]

[Cally was down on the planet with Argus. He and the Athol soldiers were helping one of the rebel groups set up some precautionary measures. They wanted to be ready for when the Federation forces with the specialist arrived. Cally was aiding the medical personnel to treat cold victims.]

Sester asked, "Why do you care about me, Reya? I thought you swore that you didn't?"

Reya said, "It's not going to work. Stop deflecting the question and trying to make me feel uncomfortable."

"Do you feel uncomfortable?" he asked. There was a great depth of hidden meaning in his eyes and a slightly lower tone in his voice.

For Reya, the suggestion in Sester's eyes and her own conflicted feelings about a man whom no one wanted her to be friends with, made her feel extremely ill at ease. She could not deny that she was physically attracted to him, very reluctantly so, but she never intended to go down that path again.

What he had done for her in a time of need, was something she could not forget. Even though she had not encouraged him, Reya felt guilty. She should have done more to dissuade his interest in her. Now he was stuck and he was drinking. She hoped that it had nothing to do with her. If it did, then she had to do something to help him. She couldn't do anything if he kept deflecting her like this.

Reya said frostily, "You're trying to make me feel that way."

"I can't create feelings that didn't already exist. Which comes back to the question, why do I make you feel uncomfortable?"

"If I answer your question, will you answer mine?" She added, "Truthfully? My definition of truth?"

[Avon was learning some very interesting things about how these two interacted. Reya was even more of a weapon against Sester than he thought, and despite her toughness, she was much more vulnerable. It was a very interesting tightrope that these two walked.]

Sester desperately wanted Reya to answer his question, but not at the cost of answering hers. It wasn't just about him or Reya for that matter. Her question had to do with Avon, even though she didn't know it. Adding the last part had been clever of her and made it almost impossible for him to answer her.

Sester wondered if she suspected that he had committed himself to telling her the truth, if she asked. He had given himself too many handicaps when dealing with her. Sester could not bring himself to use some of his normal tactics, especially after what he had done the last time with Vanora.

He told her seriously, "I can't do that."

Reya was not to be deterred. "The first part or the second?"

He answered, "The third."

Reya regarded this complex man carefully; the origin of an idea was forming in her mind. "This doesn't have to do with me, does it? Something else is making you act this way."

Sester was amazed how she always managed to make him feel naked; and not the unclothed condition he would have preferred with her. "Please don't ask me, Reya. I can't tell you."

[Avon wondered why Sester wasn't trying to be more devious and manipulative. The man sounded as if he was trying to be honest. Unless that was the lie.]

She said, as if his answer just confirmed her suspicions, "It is someone else then. The only one could be…" There was only one other person she knew that Sester had a strong reaction to. He had spoken to Servalan not long ago about him. Reya said with increasing comprehension, "You didn't tell us the truth about what you learned from Servalan, did you? Or only the partial truth? A psychostrategist's truth?"

[Avon leaned forward. Every nerve was alert as he listened.]

Sester looked pained. There was an entreaty in his voice as he said again, "Reya, please don't ask."

[Vila was sitting at his neutron blaster station. He was increasingly worried and it showed.]

Reya was relentless. "It must be something very significant for you to act like this."

Sester stressed, "Avon doesn't need to know."

[Avon thought, I will be the judge of that. He wished he was in Sester's cabin right now, dragging the truth from him much more forcefully than Reya was currently doing.]

She challenged him, "How do you know that?"

Sester could tell from Reya's manner that she was not going to let this go, but he had to try to dissuade her. This was the longest he had gone without trying to manipulate someone when he had his own agenda. He was finding it very difficult.

"I'm a psychostrategist, Reya. I know."

Reya pressed her case, "Avon would want to know."

He told her, "I'm well aware of that, but sometimes what we want is not what's best for us."

"That's not for you to decide."

"Someone has to."

Reya hardened herself and said ruthlessly, "You're the last person who has the right to decide what's best for Avon, after what you did to him."

Sester's jaw hardened and his eyes held a grimace as her words hit him. He said in a subdued voice, "You're right. I am the last person."

Once the words left Reya's lips and she saw the brief flash of pain and guilt on Sester's face, she wished she had not taken this step. She was ruthless with enemies but never to friends, and Sester qualified at least as half of one. It wasn't the time for apologies though, she knew that she was nearing the truth.

[Avon's heart was starting to race. He knew that he was close to finding out what Sester was hiding from him.]

[Vila was undecided. He wanted to do something but he didn't know what he should do. Leaving the flight deck was out of the question. The Federation ships were still out there and more were due to arrive. Even with the compromise, he didn't trust them for one minute.

He activated the ship's internal comm system and tried to contact Avon. The monitor on the panel indicated a red status for Avon's cabin. He's turned the comm off. Avon probably didn't want to be disturbed. Now what do I do?]

Reya said in a less harsh voice, "Tell me what Servalan told you. Let me decide."

Guilt was a very strong motivator to be used against anyone. For Sester, when Avon was involved, it was never very far away. He smiled wryly to himself. I'm a fool.

When he had no response, Reya said, "I will tell you how I feel about you, regardless of what your decision is." She did not want their relationship to be a bartering chip for his cooperation.

Sester took a deep breath and tried to exhale away some of the tension. "That isn't necessary. I will tell you what you want to know." He paused for a moment and then he began.

[Avon's hand gripped the receiver unit tightly. He was barely breathing as he listened.]

**********

Argus came by the crowded infirmary to check on the situation with Cally. She looked confused as she put a healing cast on a patient.

He asked, "What's wrong?"

She said, "I just received a very strange communication from Vila. He was trying to say something but was trying very hard not to."

Argus said, "That doesn't make any sense."

"I know. I have a feeling that something's wrong. I'm getting some erratic spikes from my connection to Avon. Nothing unusual, he does have them occasionally because the breakdown of his mind causes memories to surface. But it's almost becoming more than usual. His heart monitor has been registering increased stress. He's concentrating on something so I can't even get through to him with my psi abilities."

"Do you want to go back to the ship?"

Cally looked around at the packed infirmary and the crowds of people still requiring treatment. "They're short-handed here. I can't leave."

Argus tried to assess the situation. "Can you tell if there's a real problem?"

"Not yet. If he slipped into another nightmare or if he collapsed, I would know."

"Try contacting Vila again. It's obvious he knows something."

"I'll try that."

**********

Sester's normally vaguely superior tone was almost non-existent as he told Reya [and Avon] what she wanted to know. He was very subdued as he paced around his cabin.

"There are several things Avon wants to know but there is only one primary question to be answered. Did Anna love him?" He turned and faced Reya. "The answer is not that simple."

[Avon bared his teeth at the answer. What game are you playing at, Sester? He thought that he was finally going to hear the truth, but now he wasn't sure.]

Sester continued, "There are several things Anna said to Avon in the cellar, that she never had the opportunity to explain before she died. When I talked to Servalan, she knew answers. She had Anna investigated after the incident in the cellar. She wanted to know the truth too. She considered it knowledge that might be useful in her pursuit of Avon."

Reya asked, "Was Anna a Federation spy?"

"That was never a question. Anna was Bartolomew, Central Security's most dangerous and top secret agent. She was tasked directly from the Presidential office. No one else knew who she was except for the President and the most senior handlers at Central Security."

Reya's eyes narrowed as she asked, "Does that mean she was working for Servalan?"

"Yes. It was Servalan who sent her to Chesku. She was having him investigated. At that time, she didn't know that Anna and Avon had a prior relationship. Information about classified agents like Bartolomew is not widely circulated. It's the only thing that protects them from the wrath of subsequent administrations."

Reya said with disgust, "A dirty business."

Sester nodded. "I don't disagree, but I imagine that you view what I do with similar distaste."

"I would be lying if I said that I didn't."

Sester sighed but continued, "Anna told Avon that she let him go."

Reya said, "But that can't be true. Weren't all of his contacts pulled in after he disappeared? There was a massive manhunt from what I understand. They had patrols searching for him. How could she have let him go?"

"That wasn't the whole truth. Anna did let Avon go."

[Avon gripped the receiver unit so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. This was what he wanted to hear. He had already applied two of the patches to slow down his stress reactions but his heart was pounding again. Avon reached down and applied another patch to his chest. He had to obtain this information before Cally came looking for him.]

Reya was confused and said, "I don't understand."

Sester hesitated. If Avon was here, he might not have continued but Avon wasn't here. He went on. "Central Security had already decided to bring Avon in. Anna had not been able to find out if he was political or not and they were not going to wait any further. Anna had been stalling for months. She did not want to give Avon up. At the best, he would be convicted of the largest bank fraud in Federation history, the worst he would be deemed an enemy of the state, a rebel like Blake. They are not treated too kindly by the ruling powers, as you know. Though for Avon, they had something very special planned. Something very similar to what Servalan did to him. It would have left him controlled but his mind still useful."

Reya said accusingly, "You mean, what you did to him as well."

Sester bowed his head and said in a guilty voice, "Yes."

This was something Reya could never forget about this man she considered a friend. He had done some things that were difficult to sweep away. Her voice had a controlled anger as she said, "You and Servalan, all of you in the Federation, wanted to make him into a slave. An intellectual one. You never saw him as a human being. He was only a valuable resource, as long as he was useful, as long as he cooperated. And what did they do to him when he didn't? I can't imagine Avon taking too well to having his life controlled by anyone."

Sester could not face her. "No, he wouldn't have." From Avon’s confidential files, Sester knew that the control had started from an early age. The Federation tended to think of it as guidance and the protecting of valuable assets. They were almost paranoid of keeping control over their geniuses, after Ensor, and later Egrorian, disappeared.

[In his cabin, wave after wave of memories hit Avon at this turn in the conversation. He bent over in pain. All he could remember was agony and pressure in his head. A voice burst forth from inside him and tried to spill out from his lips, but it came out mute. Some part of him was trying to speak but had been silenced, leaving him with nothing except a pained hatred. Something had been taken away from him. He could clearly remember that idea but he didn't know what it was.

The memories went as quickly as they came. These ones were fleeting and never tended to stay; he never remembered them afterwards. They were just sparks of memory that could not catch hold.]

[Cally suddenly jerked up at the blast of pain emanating from Avon. She gasped in surprise and shared agony. It was so strong that it almost paralyzed her. The people around her reacted in shock and came to her aid, but she barely noticed them, even when they helped her into a chair. Her mind struggled to put up the walls she had been taught to use when she needed to protect herself from damage.]

Sester was still talking. "Anna didn't want either one to happen to him. When Central Security started shutting down Avon's operation, it was a mistake, and one Anna took advantage of in order to help him. Because of their precipitous actions, Avon knew right away that the game was up. Anna had been ordered to bring him in, but she didn't. She let him leave her and go to the other end of the city to obtain exit visas. In doing that, she let him go."

[Avon's dropped the receiver unit from hands that could no longer hold it. She did let me go. A slow look of horror and confusion came over his face. Then why did she try to kill me? Was she trying to kill me? I saw the gun in her hand.]

"Anna had someone watch out for Avon to make sure he got away. She never expected the visa dealer to try to kill him. It was fortunate that her man was there. Avon was nearly fatally wounded, he passed out on his way back to their flat. Anna's agent got him to safety and hid him. Avon never suspected that it wasn't just luck that put him in the hands of a helpful citizen. Someone who wasn't afraid to hide him from the Federation patrols that were looking for him."

Sester paced a few steps before continuing. "Avon was unconscious for almost two days. Anna's people fixed his wounds and kept him safe, despite the manhunt going on. After he regained consciousness, he insisted on looking for Anna. He would not leave until he found her, or found out what happened to her. He was a very stubborn man."

"He loved her very much," remarked Reya.

Sester said sadly, "Yes. He did. Anna was getting frantic. Central Security was putting pressure on her because she had let him leave the flat, without arresting him. The patrols were being stepped up. They had pulled in extra manpower just to look for him. Avon refused to use the escape plans she had set up. It was only a matter of time before he was caught, but he wouldn't leave. He was still badly wounded but he insisted on going out every day to look for her. Anna was at her wits end. Then she did the one thing she thought would work. She had news leaked that she had died. Central Security was livid. They wanted Avon contained on Earth so they could catch him. Fortunately for her, they never found out who leaked the news."

[Avon felt as if his life was falling apart again. His head was spinning. Anna had done all of this for him. There no longer seemed to be a frame of reference for anything in his life. Too many things didn’t make sense.

He realized that he had wanted Sester to say how Anna had hated him, how she had played him for the fool, how she never loved him, and how she had done nothing but betray him. This would have been an Anna that he could finally let go of. The Anna that Sester was painting, was not this woman.

Why did she try to kill me? Why didn’t she come with me? ]

Reya was absorbed by Sester's account. She asked, "That was when Avon escaped?"

Sester turned towards her again. "Anna's idea almost didn't work because Avon still didn't want to leave. He was almost paralyzed. He had lost the will to live after finding out she was dead. Anna never expected that. She never really understood how deeply he loved her. One of the bright agents hiding him got hold of a picture of Anna and gave it to Avon. He told him that if he really loved her, then it wasn't time for him to die yet. He had to find out who killed her and who betrayed both of them. I understand Avon still had the picture with him on the London."

[Other memories flooded into Avon's non-resistant mind. Now he had one of being on the London. He was staring at the small picture of Anna that one of his benefactors had given to him. He looked at it incessantly and kept it in his pocket when someone nosy came around.

Avon's heart was straining with the stress and the memories. Something unbearable was pressing against his chest.

I was only ever Anna Grant with you… Avon still didn’t understand.]

[Back on the planet, Cally had finally recovered from the shock of the pain that had assaulted her. "I have to get back to the ship," she told them urgently. "Tell Argus there was an emergency. He'll understand."]

[Vila had just decided that he should tell someone when Cally's voice sounded over the ship's comm. She said in a rushed voice, "Vila! Get someone to the teleport quickly. I need to come up. Avon's in trouble!" Vila raced from the flight deck.]

Sester felt tired and sat down as he talked. "From my assessment, purely as a psychostrategist, I believe that if Avon's plan had succeeded and he had gotten away with it, Anna would have gone with him. I think she wanted to believe it was possible. But as everyone who fights the Federation finds out eventually, no one truly wins in the end. You only die. Anna knew that much more than Avon. She was far more cynical about their chances than he was, but she wanted to believe in him. When Avon failed, she let him go but she didn't go with him. Her love didn't extend to living the life of a fugitive with him. She continued playing at being the Federation's top spy."

[In his cabin, Avon stared, unseeingly in front of him as the memories of those days claimed his mind. He was in shock and could feel his straining heart trying to beat free from the imprisonment of his chest. Part of his conscious mind continued listening.]

Reya asked, "Why did Anna continue to fake her death after Avon left Earth?"

Sester replied, "She did that because she loved him. She knew that if she 'resurfaced', Avon would come looking for her. That would have been too dangerous for him. For a long time after Avon escaped, Anna was watched carefully by her handlers. They suspected that she had let him go but they didn't have any proof. She convinced them that it was much more useful for her work as Bartolomew if Anna Grant stayed dead. It meant sacrificing her real life and her relationship with her brother but it kept Avon from trying to find her."

"She did that for Avon?"

"And for her brother. You see, until then she had also been protecting Grant. He never suspected it. Grant is a mercenary with rebel leanings, it was her duty to turn him in but she had convinced her masters that it would be the perfect concealment for the persona of Anna Grant. No one would suspect her of being Bartolomew with Grant as her brother. She was actually pulled in several times by unsuspecting Central Security agents because of her brother. They gave her a very hard time and she let them. It made her cover even more believable."

**********

Cally arrived out of breath outside Avon's cabin. The door controls did not respond to her. She pounded on the door. "Avon! It's Cally! Let me in!"

**********

Reya stood up from her chair and said, 'Thank you for telling me."

"I'm not finished yet."

Reya reacted in surprise and sat back down. "There's more?" She thought that it was already more than enough.

"Far more."

[Avon’s heart faltered.]

Chapter Twenty-One

After Sester said that there was more, Reya had sat down again.

Sester paced the cabin while she waited. His pounding headache had lessened in intensity, most likely due to the influx of adrenaline in his system as he told Avon and Anna’s story. It was a point of stress for him. He knew that despite Avon’s desire to know the truth, he didn’t really want this truth. The knowledge that Anna did love him would be more devastating than any confirmation of her unbridled treachery.

The information had been a great burden for Sester. He hated that Servalan had put him in this position. Her reasons for doing this made him ill. She wanted to assert her control over Avon. She wanted him to feel the power she had over him; the power to tear his life apart at a moment’s whim and then watch him desperately try to put himself back together again. Sester had watched it often enough at the Detention Centre; he had helped her do some of it. He didn’t know if he could watch it again or hear Avon’s screams of agony as they ripped into the heart he barely acknowledged he had.

Sester hated himself for being an instrument that could be used to cause this much pain. He wondered how many other lives he had destroyed in the course of his work. It had never meant that much to him before. You don’t have feelings for puppets. Seeing Avon suffering another horrifying nightmare on the flight deck, had brought back memories of the isolation chamber and Sester’s finest and most dreadful achievement. Until that day in the Detention Centre, he had never witnessed the cost of bringing a human being to the point where they lost all desire to live. Servalan may have authorized it, but he was the one who had knowingly made it happen.

The guilt was like a black hole that threatened to swallow Sester up. He could not do that to Avon again. The others may not believe him, they might see it as more proof of his treachery but he could not tell Avon what he wanted to know. It would hurt Avon too much to realize that he killed someone who loved him; that once again he had done something horrible and made a fatal mistake.

Sester shook his head. Why is it that you always find yourself in these situations, Avon? First Anna and then Blake. What possessed all of you? What happened to your brains? What enables this tragedy of errors in your life, Avon? A simple word. A little thought. If you, or Anna, or Blake had done just one thing different, it could have all been avoided and your life would not be in the mess it is now.

At times, at the Detention Centre, Sester thought that Avon wanted the pain they were inflicting on him; bowing his head as they broke his body, as if accepting a punishment for something only he understood.

Reya broke Sester’s train of thought, “You said there was more?”

He was startled and turned to look at her. She was beautiful. Her hard face was softened by the humanity he saw in her eyes. A humanity, he knew he didn’t possess. “Yes.”

[Outside Avon’s cabin, Vila had joined Cally and was working on the door panel in order to override the security lock Avon had placed on it. Vila straightened up and said in frustration, “I can’t do it with this.” He looked at the all-purpose tool he normally carried for such occasions. “He must have been watching me override the door panels and done something tricky with the lock.”

Cally’s face was heavy with concern. “Can you open it?”

“Not with this.” Vila put his tool away in disgust. “I’ll have to get my proper kit.”

Cally’s voice was tinged with fear as she said, “Please hurry, Vila.” She had not been able to reach Avon with her mind and there had been no responses to repeated shouts and banging on the door. Her mind was shielded now against the continuing assault of emotions from Avon but it was not enough. She could still feel his pain and devastation. Something terrible was happening inside the room.

Vila was always affected by someone else’s pain and fear. It was even worse, when he shared it. He ran off to his cabin to get the thieves kit that Argus had given to him as a birthday gift. It seemed like such a long time ago.]

Sester tore his eyes away from Reya. His feelings for her were a distraction that he wanted, but could not allow himself. He had more to tell her. “As I said, Anna loved Avon, but not in the way that he loved her. She loved him enough to help him and to let him go but not enough to give up everything for him. She returned to her life as Bartolomew.”

“She was still a spy and she worked for the Federation.”

Sester could almost hear the words she was not saying. “Reya, I know what you’re trying to imply but I’ve already explained my reasons for what I do.”

She was in an unrelenting mood. “I don’t buy it. I don’t think that you believe in what you’re doing anymore. You feel guilty and it’s eating you up inside. You can’t do Servalan’s dirty work for her anymore. That’s why you’ve been drinking.”

Her words were like a sharp knife piercing through to where the truth lay. His jaw tightened and then he said, “It’s my turn to tell you to stop doing that.”

She challenged him, “Am I touching too close to the truth? Am I making you feel uncomfortable?”

Sester’s breathing increased with the stress of the confrontation. He had never felt defensive before. It was not a feeling he liked. He had never been harsh with Reya but he said with anger, “Stop! Do you want to hear the rest, or not?”

Sester’s eyes were like that of a cornered animal. Reya realized she had pushed him too far. She said calmly, “Yes, I do.”

Sester instantly regretted his uncharacteristic outburst, but it was too late to take it back. Reya had the ability to get underneath his barriers and chip away at the areas he was most vulnerable.

In self-defence, he continued telling her about Anna. “Anna expected that Avon would move on with his life and learn to live without her. That was what she did, but she did keep an eye out for him. Then Avon was captured and brought back to Earth for trial. He was sentenced to Cygnus Alpha. Anna still loved him and did not want to see him end up there. She had acquired quite a power base with her success as Bartolomew. Many people owed her favours. She used some of them to help Avon.”

Reya was puzzled. “But Avon still ended up being sent on a ship to Cygnus Alpha.”

Sester smiled. It was a burdened look that spoke of someone who knew too much that wasn’t good for him. “Yes. That was his sentence and that was where he was sent. But not when.”

Reya was even more mystified now. “I don’t understand.”

Sester asked her a guiding question. “Think about it, Reya. Who else was on the ship with Avon?”

Reya knew the answer but she still didn’t understand. “You mean Blake?”

“Yes, Blake.”

“Are you saying that it wasn’t a coincidence?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Anna had something to do with it?”

Sester started pacing again as he told her the circumstances that had put Avon on the same ship with Blake. “When you put two people like Avon and Blake together, several inevitabilities are created. It’s what psychostrategists call the predictability quotient. But you don’t need to be a psychostrategist to know that it’s a very bad idea to put the two of them together. Given half an opportunity, either one of them could cause a great deal of trouble and they both have a tendency to make things happen. Avon and Blake would have been bright enough to recognize each other’s capabilities. Together, it was inevitable that they would attempt to escape. Alone, they each had half a chance. One had the technical ability to take over the ship and the intelligence to plan. The other had the ability to gather a group of people together and to lead them.”

Reya asked, “But I understand that they didn’t succeed. They tried to take over the ship but it failed. They only escaped when they accidentally encountered the Liberator.”

Sester smiled. “That is the bane of a psychostrategist’s work. It’s the unpredictability of human actions. No matter how much we calculate and make provisions, even when things seem inevitable, there is always a chance that things will turn out completely differently."

"It's a good thing they didn't otherwise they would never have been able to get the Liberator," Reya remarked.

"That's very true."

[Vila rushed back with his equipment satchel gripped in anxious hands. Cally was frantic, she had continued to try calling out to Avon but to no avail. The emanations she had been receiving from him, despite her mental barriers up, were becoming very troubling.

Vila opened up the case, picked out a tool and began working on the door panel. His fingers were stiff with tension.

Cally said, "Please hurry, Vila!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" He shook his fingers and tried to relax them so that they wouldn't be so tense. He was very worried too.]

Reya asked Sester, "So Anna arranged for Avon and Blake to be on the same ship?"

Sester sat down again. "Yes. When Blake was sentenced to Cygnus Alpha, Avon was kept in a special holding facility away from the others. He was never supposed to be put on the London. He was to come on a later transport. The Federation was not going to risk having both of them together. Once they were on Cygnus Alpha, it didn’t matter. You can probably verify that with Vila. Avon was never in the holding cell with the rest of the prisoners that were going to the London. He was brought in later when they started to board. Somehow Anna was able to arrange that. She had false orders issued for Avon's transfer and then had fake prisoner rolls sent to Civil Administration. As far as the Federation authorities knew, Avon was still at the holding facility, waiting for the next transport. You must have imagined their surprise when the captain of the London reported that Avon was among the prisoners who escaped. Central Security was furious. Several people were demoted to penal colonies. The Federation had intended to retrieve Avon from Cygnus Alpha, after a suitable period of time. They thought that after giving him a taste of what life could be like if he refused to cooperate, then he would be more reasonable, and they wouldn't have to employ more drastic measures that might damage his brain."

[In the cabin that Cally and Vila were attempting to enter, Avon was in shock. His heart was beating wildly but he no longer noticed. There was one word repeating itself in his mind, over and over again until it was the only word he knew. Anna. ]

[Vila said, “Just two more connections.” His voice was full of anxiety, but his hands were steady as he continued to work on the door panel. Avon had done something very clever with the circuits. It was like unravelling a lock puzzle. Fortunately, Vila was very good at those.

Argus arrived and urgently asked Cally, “How is he? Have you been able to connect to Avon?” When Argus was informed of Cally’s rushed return to the ship, he had come back immediately as well.

Cally was full of fear for Avon. She knew that something terrible was going on inside of him. “I haven’t been able to. He’s closed off to me and his mind has lost conscious control. Argus, he’s in so much pain!”

Argus put his hand on her arm, “We’ll help him, Cally. He’s not alone. Do you know what caused this?”

Vila’s hands stopped working and he turned towards Argus.]

Reya said, "But there's one thing I still don't understand. If Anna did all that for him, if she did love him, then why did she try to kill him?"

Sester's lips contorted as if there was something he didn't want to say but had to. "That was the greatest tragedy. You see, Blake was known by the Federation as a violent terrorist. He caused the deaths of many people. Blowing up major comm and nav centres like Saurian Major and causing the deaths of many thousands when the control systems went down. Anna never expected Avon to stay with someone like Blake. The Avon she knew was not a violent man. But when he stayed and helped Blake and heard all of the destructive things they did, she thought he had changed. When she saw Avon again in the cellar, Anna thought she didn’t know him anymore. She was afraid he would kill her if he found out she had been a Federation spy so, she pretended that she was the Anna he had known. But then Avon realized the truth and she was trapped."

"That was why she tried to kill Avon?"

Sester looked uncomfortable, "I'm not sure she intended to kill him. She believed that Avon had become the kind of person who would kill her for betraying him to the Federation.”

As Reya heard this, an increasingly horrified look came over her face.

Sester said, “I watched the footage from the cellar that Servalan provided when we rebuilt the scenario for Avon. Anna did pull a gun on him. Cally shouted in warning and Avon whirled around and shot her. It was a purely instinctive reaction on Avon’s part, but Anna may not have meant to kill Avon. She may have only wanted to prevent him from killing her, so that she could tell him the truth. That would make more sense with what we know about her. But unfortunately, Avon never knew that when he shot her. There was no way he could have known that she didn’t intend to kill him."

"So Avon made a mistake?"

"It is likely he did. Anna tried to explain it to him after she was shot. She tried to tell him that it wasn’t all lies and that she did love him. She tried to tell him that she let him go but it was too late and she died before she could say more."

[Cally and Vila finally burst into Avon's cabin but his heart had already stopped.]

[In Sester’s cabin, Argus overrode the door controls and went inside to stop Sester from saying any more, but it was too late, the damage had already been done.]

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.” Arthur Miller

Cally held back tears as she worked on Avon, trying to coax his shattered heart back to life. She counted off the interminable seconds between compressions. With each one, Avon was slipping farther away from her. She could no longer sense his mind. He was as dead to her as he had wanted to become to himself.

Cally was afraid what they would find when he was returned to the living state he seemed to have abandoned. Wherever he was, it was where he wanted to be. Free from the pain of living, of being himself.

She felt guilty. Perhaps it was kinder to grant him his wish. Cally shook her head and continued pressing on his chest. No. There has to be something better than oblivion.

Cally felt selfish, even as she desperately tried to save Avon’s life. She loved him. She needed him. He had become an important part of her and she couldn’t let him go.

She projected as strongly into his mind as she could, but it felt as if she was shouting into the void. Avon, please fight. Please come back. I need you. We all need you.

**********

Vila raced to the medical unit to get supplies for Cally. He staggered a moment as sharp pains emanated from his stomach. It was an old problem rearing its irritating head. Vila steeled himself and continued onwards.

**********

"… she died before she could say more." After Sester was finished, he looked at Reya. She was very still and absorbed in thought. Sester’s tired face held soft admiration as he watched her.

The cabin door slid open and Argus seemed to explode into the room. He instantly took the situation in and headed straight for Sester, his hands grabbing him by the collar and nearly lifting him off the floor before Sester could react. Reya had shot out of her chair and was only a step behind him.

Reya touched Argus's arm and asked in alarm, "Argus, what are you doing? What happened?"

Argus's eyes were like guided lasers that would slice through any obstacle with extreme malice. His voice was low and contained a dangerous anger. “He’s killing Avon.”

Sester saw the murderous look in Argus’s eyes and decided that his normal baiting responses would not be the wisest move. He said in denial, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t done anything to Avon.”

Reya voice was firm and reasonable. “Argus, put him down and tell us what’s wrong.”

Argus took his eyes off Sester and turned his head to look at her. It did not help his anger. He had seen the look in Sester’s eyes when he came in. The softness and something that made Argus want to slam the psychostrategist against the wall and through to the next cabin. He said with a tight voice, “What were you doing with him?”

Reya bristled at the accusation in his tone but there was also the ever-present guilt. “We weren’t doing anything. We were having a talk about…” Reya hesitated. She had not promised Sester anything, but she knew it would seem to be a betrayal if she told Argus what Sester had revealed to her, without asking him first.

Sester saw her predicament and said, “I was telling her about Avon and Anna.”

Argus said angrily, “That’s what’s killing Avon.” He twisted Sester’s collar and then he pushed him away, making him stagger backwards and hit the dresser.

Sester’s eyes widened and he brought the tracer bracelet up to look at it. Then he glanced at Reya. There was a look of betrayal in his eyes that was quickly masked by a cynical, self-mocking amusement. I was a fool. Of course, you would do anything to help Avon. ALL of you would. I was nothing more than the enemy after all. You may have feelings about me but not for me.

Reya wanted to say something when she realized what Sester must be thinking. It wasn’t me. I wouldn’t betray your trust. But it was too late. Any denials by her in this charged atmosphere of paranoia and mistrust would fall on deaf ears. She said instead, “I’m sorry.”

Sester said, “You have nothing to apologize for.” There was an easy smile on his face again, that was touched with a hint of cool cynicism. He still loved her but now he knew where he stood.

**********

How many minutes has it been? Where is Vila? Cally continued working on Avon's lifeless body as the seconds passed. She wished she could take each one back.

**********

Vila arrived in the medical unit and emptied a box of medical equipment on the floor. He began gathering the supplies Cally needed for Avon. His stomach was really hurting now but he barely seemed to notice. All he knew was that Avon's heart had stopped and they had to get it started again.

If it was possible, he wanted to kick himself for his part in making this happen.

I knew it was a bad idea. I tried to tell him. How are we going to fix this?

Vila didn’t want to lose his friend. No matter what Avon had been in the past, no matter what they had both been to each other, things were different now. They were no longer the same people, or rather they were, but they were what they both could have been if they had been given a chance.

In the past Avon could be a complete bastard but there were always hints of something more underneath, things that only showed when he risked his life for them.

And what was I? Vila knew that if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t that much better either. They had both done things they shouldn’t have. He was brave at times, but many times he let other people take the risks. There were many things he felt guilty about too. Things he planned to make up for.

Avoiding risks you didn’t have to take was the smart thing to do. Only an idiot would willingly walk into danger and he had spent most of his life running from it. Keeping himself alive and out of a penal colony was enough of a challenge without having to face danger for someone else. Vila suspected that Avon was the same.

It may have been selfish in their parts but when you didn’t know if you were going to be alive tomorrow, it wasn’t the worse they thing they could have done. Neither of them had chosen to work for the Federation, which would have been the safer alternative. Especially Avon. They would have valued him and given him whatever he asked for, as long as he did what they wanted. But both of them had chosen to operate outside of it, despite the risks, and even if it meant they would both become hunted criminals.

Vila knew now that the Federation had done some of it to him. He didn’t know how much, but he was determined that they would never have that control over him again.

Vila put the final item into the box and ran back to Avon’s cabin.

In the past, even before Gauda Prime, at times there had been camaraderie of sorts between them. But since they had rescued Avon from Servalan, and especially in these past few months, the possibilities that Avon had staunchly tried to deny before, had finally started coming to the surface.

Vila refused to lose what was no longer a might-have-been.

**********

Sester faced Argus, “Avon heard everything?”

Argus’s voice was tight with unreleased aggressions, “Yes.”

It was as Sester had feared. After all of the secrets and soul-numbing drinking, it had come to nothing. Sester allowed a faintly horrified look to spread across his face. “I didn’t know.” He glanced at Reya. “If I had, I wouldn’t have said anything. I would never knowingly hurt Avon. Not again.”

Argus felt helpless. All he could see in his mind was Avon suffering as he had been on the flight deck. In Argus’s imagination, it became ten times worse. There was nothing he could do. He really wanted to blame Sester but knew he couldn’t. That made him even angrier. “You kept this from us!”

Sester said calmly, “And for very good reason. I knew this would happen if Avon found out and I was right. But now is not the time for this, you can beat me up later. Avon is in trouble."

With Sester's words, Argus came crashing back to a reality that was not focused on himself. His temper cooled and he said, “You're right. There will be time for this later."

Sester asked, "How is Avon?"

For Avon's sake, they all acted as if they had not almost been at each other's throats.

Argus replied, "I don’t know. He’s locked himself in his cabin and Vila is trying to break in. Cally hasn’t been able to reach Avon with her psi abilities, but she says that he’s in trouble. That’s why I came to stop you.”

Sester said with equal concern, “I was afraid of that. That’s why I decided not to tell any of you.”

Argus asked, "Do you know what's happening with him?"

Sester looked at Reya. "You know."

Reya's eyes passed between the two men. "Yes." She told Argus, "It's a long story but the crux of it is that Anna did love Avon and he may have killed her by mistake."

Argus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now he understood and it was as bad as he had feared. With all of the nightmares that already haunted him, Avon could not take this kind of additional shock.

He turned to Sester and fixed him with a long stare. There was only a slight hint of recrimination in his voice as he said, "If you had told us this from the very beginning, rather than lie to us and keep this information to yourself, we wouldn't have tried to find out and Avon won't be where he is now."

Sester said, "You're right. I suspected that this might be inevitable, but I did everything in my power to prevent it."

Reya said, "Argus, he's right. He did try to prevent this from happening by keeping the information from us. Servalan wanted him to tell us, but he didn't. Vila came to me and told me that Sester had been drinking."

Sester tried to stop her, "Reya, don't…"

Reya told him, "I have to say this. Sester cares about Avon and he feels guilty about the things he did to him. He's told us that repeatedly and he's shown it to us by his actions. If he didn't care, he would have followed Servalan's orders and told all of this to Avon. He was willing to risk himself with Servalan by refusing to tell us. The pressure has been so great that he's been drinking. He would rather do that than try to hurt Avon again."

Argus rebelled at hearing all of this from Reya. He said sarcastically, "You're painting him out to be quite the hero."

"Argus, stop it!" Her eyes pleaded with him for reason and understanding. "Please."

Her tone made Argus feel terrible. "I'm sorry."

Reya knew that there was much to work on between them, but now was not the time. She said, "We should go and see how Avon is." Without another word, she headed for the door and both men followed her out.

**********

Vila came back with the supplies. As he handed the box to Cally, he immediately asked, "How is he?"

Cally took the box from him and took out a cardiac stimulator. She tried to keep the fear out of her voice and forced herself to concentrate on what she was doing. "I couldn't get his heart started." Spreading Avon’s shirt farther apart, she applied two remote pads to his chest and turned them on. Her hands faltered as she said in a shaky voice, “I don’t think he wants to come back.”

Vila said in a panic, "But he has to! We can’t lose him, Cally! We’ll help him!”

“I know.” She turned on the unit and set the controls. I’m sorry, Avon. “Clear, Vila.” Vila backed away from the bed. Cally pressed the activation control and the charged pads sent shocks to Avon’s heart, trying to force him to come back to a life he no longer wanted. Avon’s body arched and then slumped back onto the bed.

**********

Argus, Reya and Sester arrived at Avon and Cally’s cabin as Cally was administering the shocks to restart Avon’s heart. Vila turned to acknowledge their arrival and then looked anxiously back at Avon again. They all stood to the side and tried to keep out of the way.

Cally depressed the activation switch again for the fifth time and Avon’s body arched. Each time she did, with her mind she would call out to him.

This time she added a plea, * Avon don’t leave me. Please. *

The monitor on the cardiac unit coughed out a beep. A single one. Their mouths opened in shock and they all leaned forward, straining to hear something they weren’t sure they had all heard. With fearful hope, Cally applied another shock. * Avon, come back. We need you. I need you. *

Another beat. Cally put her hand on Avon’s chest and tried to reach for his mind; sending him comfort, encouragement and love. His presence was barely registering; he was like a sputtering flame that was threatening to extinguish itself.

A few more faltering beats. Everyone’s faces took on an anxious hope.

A weak but steady rhythm began to emerge. Faces broke out into smiles and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

Vila hugged Cally. “He’s back!”

Cally kept her hand on Avon’s chest as she continued to send him encouragement and love. It was troubling that she was receiving no answering responses despite the intimate contact. Avon didn’t seem to be aware of her.

He was back, but none of them knew what that meant now. Avon had heard something that made him not want to live anymore. None of them knew what they would find when he woke up.

Cally knew that he had come back for them. For her. She was afraid what it was going to cost him.

Were they going to regret bringing him back?

**********

Servalan had a speculative look in her eyes as she sat watching the viewscreen. She had the aura of a snake that was anticipating swallowing a helpless morsel. As always, footage of Avon was on her screen. Avon struggling against the bonds that fastened him to a table. He was being forced to relive the day in the cellar; again and again, each scenario worst than the last, until he was almost comatose with grief and guilt and horror.

She could almost see him in her mind’s eye. She could imagine the same look on his face as he heard what Sester was telling him. Servalan wished she could see him collapse to his knees as the truth sunk in.

There was a likelihood that Avon would collapse. They had left his heart very weak and it wouldn’t be able to stand too much strain. Servalan wasn’t worried though. That was what Cally was there for. All of her little unknowing soldiers, doing exactly as she wanted, even in this. It was such a delicious thought. She relished the day when she would be able to tell them all, the day when she reclaimed her property and destroyed those who were no longer of any use to her.

Servalan’s lips curved in a predatory smile.