GALACTIC DECISION: The Phantom Parody

by RJB
RATED PG for occasional language and innuendo.

******

DISCLAIMER: All characters and situations are the copyright of their respective owners. The political situation depicted herein is not meant to mirror any real-life persons or events. This is merely fan fiction parody. It's all in fun; no offense is intended, and no money is involved.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Imagine for a moment that all the science-fiction and fantasy TV shows and movies you've ever seen exist as part of the same continuum, called the Sci-Fi and Fantasy Collective. Imagine that the 50 most prominent SFF universes send Senators and Representatives to a Congress, just as the United States does, and that they elect a President who chooses a cabinet and appoints Supreme Court justices, just as we do. Imagine that the other TV shows you follow-- the dramas, the comedies, the mystery shows, and even the books you read-- are bound together by Genre, sort of like foreign nations that interact with each other in a great Multiverse of Fiction.

It's an absurd premise, I grant you. Just go with it, and remember the MST3K motto of not expecting it to make much sense. I happen to enjoy science fiction, and I happen to enjoy politics, and this was my way of having fun with both. It has no meaning beyond that.

This story is similar to my "Galactic Decision 2008" parody about a presidential primary in the Sci-Fi universe, and could even be seen as a prequel to that story, but they're not officially connected. It takes place during a time of relative peace for the Collective, and begins in a room that-- not to stretch for too many similarities between our worlds-- I shall call the Rhomboid Office...

*****

INT.- GALACTIC COMMAND- RHOMBOID OFFICE

(Enter the PRESIDENT of the SFF Collective, JAMES T. KIRK of the Star Trek Federation. He is flanked by his Chief of Staff, SPOCK, and the inner members of his Cabinet: Vice-President SARUMAN of Middle Earth, Secretary of State CHARLES XAVIER of the X-Universe, Defense Secretary DARTH VADER of the Star Wars Galaxy, Attorney General DIANA PRINCE (Wonder Woman), and Treasury Secretary GRAND NAGUS ZEK (Trek, DS9.)

Also present are some lesser executives: Director of Intelligence CGB Spender (The X-Files' SMOKING MAN, puffing a cigarette), Universal Security Advisor NICK FURY and his Marvel 616 colleague, Homeland Security chief DR. STRANGE, Health Secretary DR. WALTER BISHOP ("Fringe"), and a silent fellow in a black suit, AGENT SMITH of the Matrix, standing near the wall.)

KIRK
This had better be important, Spock. I was making time with a green chick-- you KNOW how much that helps my morale!

SPOCK
My apologies, Mr. President, but the matter is urgent. Your Secret Service detail has foiled an attempt on your life by a rogue agent.

KIRK
A rogue agent? One of ours?

DR. STRANGE
We don't believe so. He displays no supernatural or futuristic abilities.

NICK FURY
Though he did shoot 432 Redshirts without stopping to reload his gun.

VADER
Impressive. Most impressive.

NICK FURY
We think he might have been sent by a rival Genre.

KIRK
I'd better see for myself.
(to Smith)
Bring him in here.

SMITH
Oh, I'm not with the Secret Service.

KIRK
Sorry. You've got a "look" about you.

SMITH
Yes, I get that a lot.

FURY
Who are you, then?

SMITH
I'm the Secretary of Agriculture.

SARUMAN
I find that rather hard to believe. Do you know anything about farming?

SMITH
It involves dirt.

SARUMAN (to all)
Well, I'm sold.

KIRK
Spock, have the assassin brought in.

(While Spock goes to the door, the Smoking Man glances around the room.)

SMOKING MAN
Does anyone else question the wisdom of bringing this highly trained killer into our midst?

KIRK
I like to deal with these things personally. Who do you think I am, Picard?

(Spock returns. ENTER the assassin, JACK BAUER ("24"), in cuffs, escorted by two Secret Service agents: The sword-carrying OPERATIVE of the Serenity 'Verse, and hulking AGENT 23 ["Get Smart" movie.] At one point, Bauer tries to struggle free, and Agent 23 knocks him roughly back into line.)

BAUER
Ow!

AGENT 23

Keep moving.

BAUER
Aren't you supposed to be on my side? You're from a spy movie! A spy movie based on a Sitcom! By what possible logic does your world belong with Sci-Fi and Fantasy?

AGENT 23
We have robots and a Cone of Silence.

SPOCK
Speaking of which, Mr. President, regulations strongly advise using the--

KIRK
No.

SPOCK
But--

KIRK
No.

SPOCK
Aw.

BAUER
(to the Operative)

And you! I thought I'd at least get captured in a respectable running firefight! What's with the sword? What do you think this is, frickin' Lord of the Rings?

SARUMAN
Well, actually...

BAUER
You stay out of this.

KIRK
Mister, eh... (reads the tricorder Spock hands him) Mr. Bauer. It looks to me like we have a lot in common. We've both devoted our lives to protecting people. We're both improbably lucky and kinda short. We're both daring, handsome rogues...

SPOCK
(under his breath)
SNERK.

KIRK
Did you say something, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK
Negative, Mr. President.

KIRK
(annoyed, to Bauer)

So what gives, huh? Why would you try to kill a fellow TV icon?

BAUER
I'm not at liberty to say.

KIRK
So if you're not at liberty to say, and you say you're not at liberty to say, isn't that by definition saying something? Haven't you contradicted yourself? Aren't you, in fact, illogical?

BAUER
I'm not a computer. That routine's not going to work on me.

KIRK
Dang! (beat, thinks) Well, gang, that's all I've got. Suggestions?

VADER
By your leave, my Master--

KIRK
I've told you not to call me that.

VADER
Yes, my M-- erm, Jimbo.

KIRK
Go back to "my Master."

VADER
As you wish. I can think of any number of ways to punish this fool for his failure to cooperate.

Vader gestures, and Bauer BEGINS TO CHOKE.

KIRK
Whoa! Stop! I don't know what things are like in your Galaxy, Lord Vader, but I can assure you the Federation does not and will not condone any form of torture or ill-treatment of prisoners!

SPOCK
Indeed.

KIRK
It's barbaric.

SPOCK
And unconscionable.

KIRK
You said it, Spock. Now force your way into his mind.

SPOCK
For the twenty-fourth time, Jim, that counts! It is against every Vulcan ethic and--

KIRK
Oh, please. If Mr. Goody Two-Ears here is too virtuous for a mind-meld to save his old captain's life, who else would like to fill in? Anybody?

XAVIER
I could do it.

SARUMAN
Or me.

DR. STRANGE
I'll give it a whirl.

VADER
I'd enjoy it.

WONDER WOMAN
I have a "lasso of truth" thingie...

KIRK (looking around at them all)
This explains why I keep losing at Fizzbin. Let's rethink this... how about drugs, Dr. Bishop?

DR. BISHOP
Yes, thank you, as many as you've got.

KIRK
Noooo... I meant, do you have any kind of truth serum to use on the prisoner?

DR. BISHOP

Er, no, not at this time, but if you'll give me a few hours, I could come up with something.

KIRK
Excellent! What do you need?

DR. BISHOP
Salt peter, ten pounds of nitroglycerin, a unicycle, a length of copper tubing, a small thermonuclear warhead, and a rubber chicken.

(They all stare at him.)

DR. BISHOP
Oh-- I can do without the rubber chicken, if necessary. That's just for fun.

KIRK
O...kay. Mr. Spock, we're five pages into this thing and we're not even done with the teaser. Don't make me beg.

SPOCK
(sighs)
Yes, Mr. President.

DR. STRANGE
Before we begin, perhaps we should hear the Attorney General's thoughts on the legality of this course of action.

SMOKING MAN (snorts)
You haven't been in this business long, have you?

KIRK
Miss Prince?

They all look to Wonder Woman expectantly.

WONDER WOMAN
Er... yes, about that. Doesn't it bother you all that I'm not a lawyer?

XAVIER
Not really. I'm not a diplomat.

ZEK
I'm embezzling all my department's money.

SARUMAN
I'm plotting treason and murder.

They all stare at Saruman.

SARUMAN
Did I say that out loud?

The awkward moment passes, and Spock proceeds to perform a mind-meld on Jack Bauer.

KIRK
Well?

SPOCK
I believe I am... depressed.

FURY
Aren't you supposed to be emotionless?

SPOCK
Until now, I was. Horrible, soul-crushing things happen to this man. It seems as though everyone he's ever loved or trusted either betrays him or dies. Sometimes both. Sometimes he kills them personally. Other times they're taken by the capricious whims of fate. It's an endless cycle of killing, dying, and unfathomable pain. And it's always exactly 24 hours long.

KIRK
Okay, but...

SPOCK
Even if he has to cross the Pacific Ocean by rowboat, it will last precisely 24 hours. Fascinating.

KIRK
Spock, thank you, but...

SPOCK
Perhaps there's some sort of temporal vortex at work.

KIRK
Spock! Why is he trying to kill me?

SPOCK
Oh. Difficult to say, Mr. President. He seems to believe he's working for the greater good. As far as he knows, the attack was ordered by his government.

KIRK
The Drama Consortium is trying to kill me? ME? But... I'm a natural stage actor! They're my peeps!

WONDER WOMAN
Mr. President, I don't think we should jump to any conclusions about...

SARUMAN
Oh, but I think the evidence is incontrovertible.

SMOKING MAN
Ironclad, really.

SMITH
We should act upon it immediately.

FURY
I'm sorry, but this concerns Agriculture how?

SMITH
Treachery is bad for our crops.

ZEK
But wonderful for war profiteering! I can already see another ten billion in my bank account!

WONDER WOMAN
Could you at least try to sound a little less thrilled?

ZEK
Sorry, you're right. I'll envision five billion.

DR. STRANGE
This whole thing is moving much too fast.

VADER (glowering at him)
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

XAVIER
I find it instructive to note that aggression in this matter seems to be favored mainly by those Cabinet members with, shall we say, checkered pasts?

SMOKING MAN
Is that some kind of moralist crack?

SARUMAN
Villains are people too, you know!

VADER
If you prick us, do we not smash your skull like a walnut?

SARUMAN
Modulate the tone, Lord Vader.

VADER
I did.

SPOCK
Mr. President, we must consider carefully before taking any rash action.

KIRK
But... I like rash action.

FURY
It is kinda fun.

KIRK
Besides, we're now eight pages in and STILL IN THE TEASER!!! So, gentleman (and awesomely Spandex-clad lady), in the interests of moving this parody along... Mr. Spock, assemble the ambassadors from the other Genres. We'll get to the bottom of this. Meanwhile, Saruman, call the Congress to order for a vote on retaliatory action against the Drama Consortium. Lord Vader, have your starfleet standing by.

VADER
As you wish.

(Vader and Saruman begin to EXIT the Rhomboid Room. Just before the door closes behind them, Vader begins to GIGGLE uncontrollably...)

SARUMAN
OUT of the room! Wait 'till we're OUT of the room!

VADER
Sorry. I'm new at diplomacy.

They EXIT to:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

VADER and SARUMAN crack up as the doors close fully.

WONDER WOMAN (from inside, muffled)
We can still hear you, y'know!

VADER (to Saruman, frustrated)

This is pointless. Can't we just obliterate them?

SARUMAN
Patience, my friend. All is proceeding as I have foreseen.

VADER
Hey, that's a great impression of the Boss.

SARUMAN
I've been working on it.

CUT TO:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY

An EMERGENCY JOINT SESSION of the SFF HOUSE & SENATE. Representatives and Senators from all 50 worlds of the Collective are buzzing to each other in small, excited groups.

On the dais sits SARUMAN, the president of the Senate, and CAPTAIN KATHRYN JANEWAY (Trek, Voyager), the Speaker of the House. At its base, REP. THREEPIO of Star Wars is chatting with a squat alien, REPRESENTATIVE E.T..

THREEPIO
Yes, of course the legislative agenda for the next session is important! But which item shall we put forward first?

E.T.

Home! Home phone! E.T. phone home!

THREEPIO
The telecommunications bill! Brilliant! May I say, sir, you are such a refreshing conversationalist!

(A little distance away, SENATOR BOB WILSON [Shatner's Twilight Zone character] is staring wild-eyed out the window as SENATORS NEO and TRINITY of the Matrix pass by...)

WILSON
But you don't understand! There's something out there! It's on the side of the building!

TRINITY
Sure, there is.

WILSON
You have to believe me! I'm not going mad! It looks like some kind of gremlin!

NEO
Dude, chill. It is a gremlin.

(Wilson frowns at the window as STRIPE from the "Gremlins" movie pokes his head in and waves.)

WILSON
Oh. Well... okay, then.

TRINITY
Just don't feed it after midnight.

(On the other side of the room, REP. TRANCE GEMINI ["Andromeda"] is chatting with REP. IAN MALCOLM ["Jurassic Park"]...)

TRANCE

...and according to Coda, I'm actually the embodiment of pure chaos in the Universe.

MALCOLM
Marry me.

TRANCE
Sorry, what?

MALCOLM
I said, that is so interesting. Tell me more...

Near the back of the room, REP. HAN SOLO is excitedly gesturing as he talks to SEN. JACK SPARROW of Port Royal...

HAN

So we blast plast the Customs ships, and suddenly-- bam!-- we run smack into an Interdictor cruiser. The next thing you know, I'm turning 360-degree spins and Chewie's blastin' away with the quad lasers. We're short a whole shipment of spiced Rhodian rum, Jabba's threatening to send a welcoming committee, and then the planet blows up!

JACK
So... you're saying the rum is gone? All of it?

At the next table over, SEN. WILLIAM ADAMA (Battlestar: Galactica) is settling a fight between two members of the Caprica delegation, REP. KARA THRACE and REP. STARBUCK (classic version)...

THRACE
This is my chair!

STARBUCK
You're crazy! It's my chair!

THRACE
Okay, but I'm answering the roll call first!

STARBUCK
I was answering roll calls long before you were calling yourself a Starbuck, lady!

ADAMA
If you two don't stop bickering, I'm taking this delegation home and nobody will get to be Starbuck!

And, smack dab in the center, a conflict seems to be breaking out between an insistent SENATOR SEVERUS SNAPE ("Harry Potter") and REP. GEORGE TAYLOR of the Planet of the Apes. Snape grabs Taylor by the front of the shirt--

TAYLOR
Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty Snape!!!

This last carries over the buzz in the chamber, and as everyone quiets down to see what's going on, we hear the POUNDING OF A GAVEL...

JANEWAY
Order! Let's everyone come to order!

They ignore her, STILL LOUDLY BUZZING.

SARUMAN
I could put a spell on them.

JANEWAY
Thanks, but we're still cleaning up the mess from last time.

She takes a sip from a mug beside her and grimaces.

JANEWAY
Intergalactic war before 10 AM. It's gonna be a four-coffee morning, I just know it is... Marshal!

The marshal of the capital complex, MARVIN THE MARTIAN, buzzes up to the dais on a floating platform.

MARVIN
You rang?

JANEWAY
Bring the Congress to order.

MARIN
Oh, goody!

Marvin buzzes over to the center of the room and FIRES A BIG FREAKING WEAPON into the ceiling, winging a stray pixie in the process. It GOES DOWN IN FLAMES...

MARVIN
Silence, Earthlings! Or I shall blast you with my RX-29 space modulator!

All fall silent, staring at the hole he's blown in the ceiling.

MARIN
I just love doing that. Madame Speaker?

JANEWAY
This emergency session will come to order. I'm pleased-- well, moderately pleased-- in a sort of pride-in-workmanship kind of way, I guess-- to introduce Vice-President Saruman.

A GROUP OF ORCS at the back of the viewing gallery break into wild applause. The rest of the room is silent as Saruman clears his throat.

SARUMAN
Greetings. I come before you in dire circumstances-- and this time I really mean it. The situation is this: The Drama Consortium has dispatched a fearsome assassin against our beloved President. Although the situation is under control--

THE OPERATIVE and AGENT 23 burst into the Senate at a run.

AGENT 23
Mr. Vice-President! Jack Bauer has escaped from custody!

OPERATIVE
Apparently he killed fourteen of our best agents with a smuggled toothpick.

SARUMAN

...mostly under control, it is clear we must move quickly and forcefully to respond to such aggression. Not only is it an act of open war and an offense to our national pride, but there remains the slight chance that anyone who disagrees with me might be killed by a Nazgul in the middle of the night. No pressure, my friends. Now, who would like to move for a vote?

MULTIPLE HANDS GO UP AT ONCE-- although it should be noted that Orcs are now standing behind many of them, holding blades to their throats.

SARUMAN
Excellent. Democracy never fails to disappoint me.

JANEWAY
Marshal, call the vote.

Marvin FIRES ANOTHER SHOT through the ceiling.

MARVIN
Vote, Earthlings! Or I shall blast you with my--

JANEWAY
We heard you the first time.

MARVIN (moves away, sulking)

Ohhh, I never get to blast things more than once... unfair!

In the half-second's delay following his departure, young SENATOR LEIA ORGANA of Star Wars quickly stands. When the Orc behind her attempts to snatch her, she elbows him in the stomach.

ORC
Yer a spitfire, aint'cha? Ouchie...

He collapses.

LEIA
Mister Vice-President, I must protest! We cannot vote on an issue of this importance with no debate! The Senate will not sit still for this! When the people hear you've--

SARUMAN
Oh, put a sock in it, dear. If you wish to debate the matter, so we shall... briefly, bearing in mind I'll be keeping track of those who prove difficult. You think I'm kidding about the Nazgul, but the Middle-Earth delegation can tell you I'm not. Isn't that right, old friend?

Near the back of the room, SENATOR GANDALF THE GREY is holding off a ravenous BALROG.

GANDALF
Little... busy... at the moment!

SARUMAN
Gandalf, I believe, votes "yea." Who's next?

As the Congress murmurs uneasily, CUT TO:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - RHOMBOID OFFICE

The chamber has now cleared out some-- KIRK is still present, as are SPOCK, XAVIER, Ambassador to TV Land BAIL ORGANA of the Star Wars prequels, and the ubiquitous AGENT SMITH. They're waiting for the Ambassadors from the other Genres, who begin to file in:

DR. FRASIER CRANE of The United States of Comedy, JOSHUA LYMAN ("West Wing") of the Drama Consortium, Shakespeare's IAGO representing the Literary Guild, BRET MAVERICK of the once-powerful, now-fading Western Union (ahem), FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER from the Dominion of Horror, and Fanfic Nation representative MARY SUE. They're talking amongst themselves.

JOSH (to Frasier)

...I just wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm snarky all the time, I'm rude to my colleagues, and I've made no progress in my personal life despite being involved in an eight-year semi-relationship fraught with sexual tension.

FRASIER (confused)
What's strange about all that?

JOSH
Never mind, I forgot you're a sitcom shrink...

Meanwhile, Maverick holds a deck of cards out to Frankenstein.

MAVERICK
Go ahead, just any card at all.

FRANKENSTEIN (pointing to a card)
Ruh roh?

MAVERICK
Eight of clubs. That'll be another fifty dollars.

The monster slaps his forehead and hands over the money. Meanwhile, Mary Sue is bending Iago's ear...

MARY SUE

...and I'm fluent in seventeen languages and I used my 285 IQ to turn my old toaster into a fifty-terabyte workstation, but I just can't decide which of my three handsome suitors I'm in love with...

IAGO
Mmm-hmm, charming...

He takes a notepad from his pocket with the notation "People to Kill This Week" and adds three exclamation points beside Mary Sue's name.

KIRK
We seem to be a few Genres short.

SPOCK
Yes, Mr. President.

XAVIER
We believe the Ambassador from the Kingdom of Romance may have eloped to Paris with that fellow from Foreign-Language Films.

KIRK
Good riddance, really. What about our ambassador from Reality TV?

MAVERICK
He had a little run-in with Frankie.

Frankenstein's Monster points to an ambassador-shaped hole in the outside corridor wall. The SF characters stares stare at it, wide-eyed...

FRANKENSTEIN
Him make fun when me sing "Feelings."

KIRK
Whoa.

XAVIER
Whoa.

BAIL ORGANA
Whoa.

KIRK (shaking it off)
Erm... to business, then. Mister Lyman, we've intercepted the agent sent by your genre, and I have to say, I'm a little hurt. Do you realize the seriousness of-- Mister Lyman?

Josh is staring at Bail Organa.

JOSH
Don't I know you from somewhere?

BAIL ORGANA
I don't believe so.

JOSH
You look an awful lot like my new boss...

BAIL ORGANA
I'm not sure this is a constructive topic under such stressful times.

JOSH
My mistake. My guy had better dialogue.

KIRK
Mr. Lyman, please! About your act of war...

JOSH
Our what?

SPOCK
Your assassination attempt, sir. An unprovoked act of aggression...

JOSH
Whoa, hold on! You know the Consortium is run by Democrats, right? We don't do aggression, except maybe in circular firing squads.

XAVIER
What if a show of strength was vital to your national interests?

JOSH
I just said we're Democrats. You've got the wrong guys.

FRASIER
I wonder if we're getting a little heated here. Perhaps if we all take a moment to ponder our feelings in silence, we can better express ourselves. In the words of the great Pythagoras, "Do not say a little in many words, but..."

ALL OTHERS
Shut up!

FRASIER
Well, yes, that's the gist of it.

MARY SUE
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're having problems. Mr. President, I'd like to offer my skills as a three-time Nobel Prize winning diplomat and spectacularly powerful magic-user to--

KIRK
Mr. Spock?

SPOCK
Check.

He NERVE-PINCHES Mary Sue, and she slumps over the table, unconscious.

BAIL ORGANA
I think this is going well.

XAVIER
Better than I expected, sadly...

CUT TO:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY

There's still fighting on the floor-- literally-- over the measure to declare war on the Drama Consortium. In one corner, a group of EWOKS from the gallery are pressing the fight against Saruman's Orcs. In another, LINK (of video-game fame) and LEGOLAS are fighting back-to-back with a couple of aggressively pro-war TERMINATORS.

LEGOLAS (to Link, while dodging)
For the last time, I don't see a family resemblance!

In the midst of all this, Speaker Janeway is gamely trying to carry on the floor debate. She ducks under her desk to avoid a flaming arrow. Then, calmly:

JANEWAY
The chair recognizes Representative Worf.

The huge Klingon rises to his feet, PUNCHING OUT an attacking Orc in the process.

WORF
Thank you, Madame Speaker. I would like to say that these assassins are WITHOUT honor!

JANEWAY
Yes, we've already got that on the record, thank you.

SARUMAN (grumbling)
Now sit down, you great sodding lunkhead...

WORF
Your attempts to silence me are WITHOUT honor!

Fortunately, around this time he's jumped by AN ALIEN FACEHUGGER, and goes down brawling with the thing, providing an opportunity to move on.

JANEWAY
The chair recognizes Representative Binks.

JAR-JAR BINKS of Star Wars fame rises to his feet.

JAR-JAR
Tank you, Madame Speaky. Mesa tinkin' wesa ganna be bombad heblitzerred by da maxibig sassin wit' da booma from da zbammin', yah?

Janeway stares at him, blinking several times.

JANEWAY
I'm sorry, I have no idea what you just said.

JAR-JAR

Okeydey.

He sits down again. Saruman shrugs and marks up another "yea" vote. If Jar-Jar minds, he doesn't get a chance to show it before several DEMENTORS (ala Harry Potter) appear on the screen and start chasing him.

In the media section, intergalactic cable-news pundits MIKE NELSON, TOM SERVO, and CROW T. ROBOT of MST3K fame (and CAMBOT, of course, rolling tape) watch as Jar-Jar runs screaming frpm the Dementors.

SERVO
I never thought I'd be so happy to see those guys.

CROW
Meh. Where were they when we were watching "Hobgoblins?"

At length, the orcs and Terminators begin to withdraw, leaving some exhausted heroes in their wake, and REP. GRIMA WORMTONGUE of Middle Earth rises. After appropriate bowing and sniveling:

WORMTONGUE
Oh great Vice-President Saruman, I believe my colleagues have now been sufficiently... persuaded.

SARUMAN
Does anyone else wish to rise in opposition to this proposal?

Perhaps two hundred of the 535 members raise their hands.

SARUMAN
If you doubt the strength of my arguments, you should know I have another wave of Orcs in reserve.

The nay votes are suddenly down to less than a hundred.

WORMTONGUE
The big kind. With vats of boiling oil.

ALL BUT A HANDFUL of nay votes vanish. Saruman looks out across the chamber, pleased.

SARUMAN
Well, I suppose we ought to have a few nays, for the sake of appearances. This will do. (to Janeway) You may call the vote.

(Janeway HEAD-BUTTS an attacking Terminator that has gotten between her and the coffee machine, knocking the poor thing flat. The Terminator, not the coffee machine. Actually, both. But Janeway snags the pot as it falls and sucks the whole thing down in a couple a gulps. Much refreshed, she resumes her chair.)

JANEWAY
All in favor of Joint Resolution 42, a declaration of war against the Drama Collective...

A LITTLE DISTANCE AWAY, several of the remaining nays have formed an impromptu huddle. These include LEIA ORGANA, SENATOR JACK O'NEILL of Stargate, SENATORS JOHN CRICHTON and AERYN SUN of Farscape, SENATOR KAY of the Men in Black, and SENATOR BRUCE WAYNE, the Batman.

LEIA
Okay, people, we're just about out of time. Ideas?

BATMAN

As the World's Greatest Detective, I can state with confidence that Saruman's evidence has been fabricated.

O'NEILL
Well, duh.

AERYN (to Crichton)
I owe you an apology. I had no idea you were one of the smart humans.

BATMAN
Fine, laugh. My point being--

KAY
If we're gonna laugh atcha, Slick, it'll be 'cause of the funky pajamas.

BATMAN
Fashion advice from a Man in Black? Really?

AERYN
I like the costume. It gives him a certain... smoldering intensity.

CRICHTON
I gotta get me one of those.

LEIA
We have like five seconds left, in which you all should really FOCUS!

BATMAN
Er-- yes. My point earlier was, they said the assassin escaped. If we could catch him--

AERYN
He could be halfway across the worlds by now.

O'NEILL
Then we'll get to track down a fugitive.

KAY (shudders)
...huh. Deja vu.

CRICHTON
Look, look, look, this is great and all. But even let's say we do the Richard Janssen thing and find the one-armed man. How are we gonna get Baby New Year back to the North Pole in a couple of bongs?

They all stare at him blankly.

LEIA
You should try to limit your obscure cultural references to one per sentence.

CRICHTON
But--

AERYN
You really should.

O'NEILL
He means, they're calling the vote. We need a stall until we get the proof.

LEIA
I have an idea...

She runs off, leaving the others confused. O'Neill turns to Crichton.

O'NEILL
"The North Pole in a couple of bongs." Rudolph's Shiny New Year, right?

CRICHTON
How'd you know?

O'NEILL
Are you kidding? I'm a cynical wiseass, too. We're practically soulmates.

CRICHTON

You're not gonna ask me out, are you?

O'NEILL
What? No! I have a love interest in my world! Well, sort of a love interest. Not much really tends to happen between us.

CRICHTON
I end up marrying mine. Guess you got the lucky part of the soul, huh?

AERYN (SMACKS HIM upside the head)
Idiot.

CRICHTON (to O'Neill)

See?

LEIA RETURNS, with Threepio in tow.

THREEPIO

--but Your Highness, I couldn't possibly! My political programming is mainly in the area of etiquette! I'm not qualified to filibuster!

LEIA
Sure you are, Threepio. You're the most qualified droid I know. All you have to do... is talk!

She shoves him forward, into view of the dais. Suddenly all eyes in the place-- especially Saruman's-- are on Threepio.

THREEPIO
Oh, dear.

JANEWAY
The chair recognizes Representative Threepio of the Star Wars Galaxy.

The poor droid looks around, helpless.

THREEPIO
For the first time in my life, I don't know what to say...

CUT TO:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - RHOMBOID OFFICE

The dialogue with the ambassadors is quickly turning almost as raucous as the Senate debate.

JOSH
Maybe you didn't hear what I said! I don't care who the guy is, we didn't send him!

SMITH
Perhaps you'd care to prove it on the field of battle.

KIRK
One more time... why the hell is the Secretary of Agriculture here?!

SMITH
Soybeans, Mr. President. It's all about the price of soybeans.

KIRK
...right. (to Josh) Mr. Lyman, you're going to want to be reasonable about this. Your Genre is no match for us.

JOSH
I think the US Marine Corps might have something to say about that.

XAVIER
Unless they say "We've brought Star Destroyers, photon torpedoes, and a regiment of shape-shifting androids," I suspect President Kirk is right.

JOSH
Yeah, well, all that technology isn't helping you find one missing spy, is it?

SMITH
So you admit he's your spy.

JOSH
No, but I'll tell you one thing, I'm starting to root for him!

As the argument gets heated, Dr. Frasier Crane stands.

FRASIER
Come now, all of you! You're behaving like children! Surely as rational adults we can all agree that violence never solved anything?

BONK! Frankenstein's Monster brings one of his huge fists down atop Frasier's skull, and the doctor collapses unconscious.

MAVERICK
Question asked, question answered...

MARY SUE (waking up)

Wow. You people are mean. If my heart wasn't so full of sweetness and love for every living thing, I'd be getting a little angry.

BAIL ORGANA
Aw, not this one again.

SPOCK (looking down at his nerve pinch hand)
Perhaps I am losing my touch.

MARY SUE
Oh, no, it's not you! I have a special immunity to the Vulcan nerve pinch because my great-grandfather 200 times removed was Surak himself. I also have enhanced strength and agility because I'm 1/64th Klingon. And I'm an excellent ballroom dancer.

XAVIER
Perhaps if I wiped her mind...

MARY SUE
Oh, no, you couldn't! I'm immune to telepathy!

XAVIER
Of course you are.

JOSH
Why don't I save everybody some time? President Kirk, the Drama Coalition officially does a Snoopy Dance on the tattered remains of your pathetic request for an apology. And one more thing before I storm out of here and leave you people to your little fantasy-land...

He reaches out and YANKS THE TOUPEE OFF KIRK'S HEAD while the captain gapes in astonishment.

JOSH
Your hair's a little out of place.

KIRK (turning red)

Mr. Spock...

SPOCK
Oh, dear. You really should not have done that.

JOSH
What's funny is, when Leo sent me here, he said "Josh, we're gonna make you ambassador to the SFF Coalition 'cause we're always at peace with those guys and even you can't start a war with them."

FRASIER (from the floor, groaning)
Ironic.

JOSH
Yeah. (to Smith) Cool shades, by the way.

SMITH
Thank you. They're fiber-optic.

EXIT JOSH, while Kirk fumes and sputters.

KIRK
Spock... my hair... if you please.

SPOCK
Jim, I realize you are in an emotional state, but I would remind you that the good of the many--

KIRK
The good of the many can take a flying leap off a moon shuttle! NOBODY STEALS MY HAIRPIECE!!!

MAVERICK
Y'know, I think our work is done here. Frankie, grab the Doc. C'mon, darlin'...

He grabs Mary Sue by the arm and leads her out the door, while Frankenstein follows with Frasier slung over his shoulder. They're still prattling on the way out.

FRASIER
If you like, I could suggest some conflict-resolution techniques...

MARY SUE
And if that doesn't work, I'll cast a giant protective spell over the entire Universe! It's a cinch for the alternate-reality daughter of Galadriel and Hercules!

All ambassadors but Iago EXIT. Organa frowns at him.

BAIL ORGANA
Aren't you going?

IAGO

I-- er-- lost my pencil.

He makes a show of searching the ground for it. Meanwhile, Kirk slowly rises from behind his desk, marches to the center of the room, and plants his toupee back on his head. It is noticeably askew.

KIRK
That's better. Spock, Professor, obscure Star Wars guy... fall in. We've got work to do.

SPOCK
May I assume we'll be stopping by Lord Vader's office and ordering him to launch the Starfleet?

KIRK
Spock, I'm surprised at you! We may be human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands. We can admit that we're killers. But we're not... going... to kill... today!

XAVIER
Tomorrow, then?

KIRK
Midnight sharp.

They get as far as the door and stop. Agent Smith isn't with them.

KIRK
Well, come on, Mr. Secretary. You never know when I might need a quote on the price of soybeans.

SMITH
A moment, sir. I'm... helping him look for his pencil.

He gets down on hands and knees and begins to search next to Iago. Kirk shrugs, then EXITS with the others.

IAGO
Alone at last. So... what's the subterfuge? The treachery? The foul plot? I'm sure it's something good.

SMITH
That's uncanny. You could just... tell?

IAGO
I have a nose for it. How can I help?

SMITH
Why should you? It doesn't concern your genre. What's in it for you?

IAGO
Kicks, mostly. If you can arrange it, I'd also like something tragic to befall Miss Mary Sue.

SMITH
That's practically a public service.

IAGO
I'm thinking it should involve cement mixers and a freak electrical storm.

SMITH
Ambassador, this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

CUT TO:

INT. GALACTIC COMMAND - HOUSE CHAMBER - DAY

The chamber has calmed down considerably. In fact, most of the members are asleep. At the dais, SARUMAN glares impotently while JANEWAY has taken to receiving coffee intravenously. Even so, she's beginning to nod off.

In the center of the room, THREEPIO keeps droning on.

THREEPIO

...then, of course, we must have a resolution honoring the linguistic achievements of the Slime People of Blublub IV. Their fascinating language is made up entirely of rude bodily noises. And the Aeiou of Aeiou II have achieved remarkable things despite language skills so stunted, they've yet to invent consonants...

ON THE FLOOR, Leia's group is moving stealthily amongst their sleeping colleagues.

LEIA
Now all we need is the right person to lead our "exploratory committee..."

BATMAN
I could lead it, but I'd need prep time. Perhaps Agent Kay...

KAY
Can't. There's NASCAR on the tube this weekend.

O'NEILL
I've got a court date. The movie O'Neil is suing me for Breach of Character.

CRICHTON
Well, I guess if you all are busy, I could--

AERYN
No, you couldn't.

CRICHTON
Why not?

AERYN
Because, erm... well, you're... you know. Inept.

CRICHTON
What?! That's crazy! I'm not--

In his indignation, Crichton gestures wildly and pokes himself in the eye with his pencil.

CRICHTON
Ouch! She's right. I can't go.

LEIA
And I've got to rally our people in the Senate. That's everybody.

Just then, young FRODO BAGGINS steps out in front of them and tremulously speaks up.

FRODO
I will go and find the spy... although I do not know the way.

LEIA
Thanks, but we're going to hold out for someone who does.

O'NEILL
And maybe who's big enough to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl.

CRICHTON (looking at Frodo's hairy feet)
Man... pedicure, you know what I'm saying?

They keep walking, leaving a crestfallen Frodo behind.

AERYN
What about Captain Solo? He seems perfect for the job.

LEIA
You'd think so, but he's spending the filibuster playing all-night poker with Lando and Jack Sparrow.

O'NEILL
Really, poker night? Maybe I'll just go check on--

BATMAN (grabbing his arm)

No.

O'NEILL
Aw.

LEIA
Han did suggest a replacement, but I have my doubts...

She leads them to an obscure and dusty corner of the chamber, one where no one has risen to actually make a motion in years. These people keep to themselves, and believe in small government to such an extent that they resent having to send representation.

Here, sleeping with his boots up on his desk, is SENATOR MALCOLM REYNOLDS of Serenity.

BATMAN
Surely you jest.

AERYN
I don't know... he's got a certain smoldering intensity.

CRICHTON
So, like... does everybody have that but me?

AERYN
You said it, I didn't.

LEIA
Is that a six-shooter he's packing?

O'NEILL
I feel better about the fate of the Universe already.

LEIA
I'd feel better if it wasn't clutched in his fist with the safety off.

KAY
Allow me.

Cautiously, the Man in Black reaches out with his foot, and KICKS MAL'S DESK OVER. He goes sprawling on the floor, but even so he comes up with his pistol leveled between Kay's eyes.

MAL
Huh? Wha'?! Yay! Nay! Whichever. Go 'way!

KAY
Yeah, he'll do.

CRICHTON
Good news, Marshall Dillon. You're going on a quest.

MAL
Hell I am. Gonna ask you one more time to leave a man in peace.

LEIA
Let me try. I have some experience with this.

(to Mal)
You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love--

MAL
Oh, it is.

LEIA
Then that's what you'll receive.

Mal eyes her suspiciously, then slowly holsters his weapon.

MAL
Better be lots of it.

BATMAN
Now, wait a minute. I don't know that I trust this man. Or-- you know-- my own grandmother, but that's beside the point.

While Batman talks, we see A PAIR OF STRAY ORC sneaking up behind him, unnoticed by the sleeping or distracted heroes all around.

BATMAN
I mean, he's a thief! And a rebel! And he doesn't smell very good. And--

The ORCS POUNCE, but they're still in mid-air when--

MAL DRAWS AND FIRES TWICE. The orcs are dead before they hit the floor.

MAL
Sorry, you were sayin'?

BATMAN
I had that under control. As the World's Greatest Detective--

MAL
Prep time, I heard. I'll be in the ship.

Mal turns to go, tossing over his shoulder:

MAL
Y'know, we can all see your buddy's face behind them fool glasses.

BATMAN
*snort!* Like I haven't told him that a hundred times...

The Senators watch Mal go, confident they have the right man to lead their quest. At length, Leia turns to the others.

LEIA
Now we need a crew.

CUE dramatic John Williams-type music. It's just like you'd hear at the end of a movie. The difference here is, the orchestra is actually present in the chamber, standing ready to play everybody's iconic themes at appropriate moments. But just as we're swelling to a crescendo--

BANG. Somebody shoots the trumpet player's instrument out of his hands. The CONDUCTOR glares off-screen accusingly.

MAL
He was flat.

Another crescendo (sans trumpet). And NOW--

FADE OUT.

To Be Continued.