Secret Wars II: Illuminati Be Kidding Me

“What do you mean we need to bring the Hulk back?” Pietro yelled into the communicator. “We just got rid of the guy!”

“You need to get him back or else the world will be doomed,” Foresight told them.

“How? How exactly will the world be doomed?” Scott asked.

“My visions of the future were very clear,” Foresight said. “I saw Banner being inside a rocket and then turning into the Hulk in space. Then there were a whole bunch of images. The Hulk fighting in a gladiator ring on another planet. The Hulk smashing and bashing all over an alien world until he became king until a bomb blew it up. Then he and his followers returning to Earth and laying waste to New York City then the rest of the planet. Heroes falling before his might. Some subplot about some newspaper people covering the story I didn’t really get. Just basically mayhem and destruction.”

“As I have said before and will say again many more times,” Lance drawled. “So what else is new?”

“I’m serious guys,” Foresight said. “If you don’t stop this, a cycle of death, destruction and huge potholes the size of New Jersey are going to be inevitable!”

“We’ve definitely got to move to a new base,” Althea groaned. “Especially since the property values are rapidly declining.”

“Anything more?” Scott asked.

“No, that’s pretty much it,” Foresight sighed.

“Nothing on where Banner is, or who is doing this or…Anything helpful at all?” Scott asked.

“Sorry,” Foresight said. “I can only work with what I got. If I see anything else I’ll let you know.”

“Okay nice talking to you Larry,” Althea said before she shut off the communicator. “Well now what?”

Da da-da dee de! Da da-da dee dee!

“Who’s phone is playing ‘La Cucaracha’?” Kitty blinked.

Pyro blinked. “Whoa. I didn’t even know I had a phone,” He took it out of his back pocket. “I wonder where that came from?”

“Knowing you it’s probably the aliens who knew you needed something to contact the mother ship,” Lance quipped.

“That’s just silly,” Pyro answered it. “Everybody knows it’s Cyclops that’s the one who’s related to a spaceship.”

“Thank you for reminding me of that Pyro,” Scott sighed.

“No problem. Hello! Oh hi! It’s that Layla dame from X-Force,” Pyro said. "Howdy Ho! Neighborino!"

“What does she want?” Scott shouted. “And how did she get our number?”

“She says she knows stuff and she’s calling us to tell us what will happen if we don’t rescue the Hulk,” Pyro said. “Yes that was Summers being a weenie.”

“I am not being a weenie! Making sure that your secret base stays a secret does not make you a weenie!” Scott yelled. “Wavedancer, you’re right! After this we’re moving!”

“She wanted to make sure that we knew about Foresight’s vision and to add something to it,” Pyro told them. “Huh? Uh huh. She says that the Hulk going into exile into outer space is too soon in our dimension. If he gets kicked out now, there’s gonna be major trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” Pietro asked.

“Bad trouble,” Pyro said. “Apparently there are a few messes only the Hulk can handle and if he’s not here by the time they arrive…Kaboom baby!”

“Hold on a second, who’s going to shoot the Hulk into space in the first place?” Kurt asked. “Foresight said it wasn’t Fury.”

“Okay I’ll ask her,” Pyro said. “Nightcrawler asks…Oh you know. How did you know? Oh right you know everything. No? You can hear him over the phone? Oh. What kind of phone are you using? Cool! Does it have one of those aps for finding great restarurants? It does? Neato!”

“We’re trying to get intelligence from a man who has very little to spare,” Wanda winced. “Pyro get on with it!”

“She says it’s a secret society that is called the Illuminati,” Pyro said. “Bunch of whack jobs that think they can fix everything that’s wrong with the planet by making things go their way.”

“Of course it is,” Emma rolled her eyes. “What else could it be?”

“She also said we have to defeat and dismantle the Illuminati before they cause further chaos in the world,” Pyro told them. “Preferably before dinner.”

“She wants us to take on a super secret organization determined to rule the world and get rid of them before dinner?” Lance asked.

“Well not exactly,” Pyro scratched his head. “I’d like to do it before dinner. Tonight is Fajita Night!”

“Oh yes of course,” Emma said. “We can’t forget the glory that is Fajita Night.”

“And don’t forget after that we get to have ice cream tacos for dessert!” Fred added. “Yeah we can’t let this interrupt Fajita Night! I’ve been practicing my Flamenco dancing!”

“You know Scott the more I hang around here the more I realize your reasons for leaving the X-Men in the first place were valid ones!” Emma bristled.

"There are days I wonder why I came back," Scott sighed.

"Wait a minute? Hasn't this Illuminati been around for thousands of years or something if I remember my conspiracy theories correctly?" Fred asked.

Pyro listened. "Actually there never was a real Illuminati. It was just a cover for the other four or five secret societies that keep trying to rule the world. At least that's what Layla said."

"Oh that's good to know," Fred nodded.

“Hang on,” Pyro looked for a pen and paper. “She’s giving me an address. Wait a second, I can’t find a pen. Hold the phone, don’t need one!”

He took out a lighter. “Okay Layla, lay it on me!” Pyro said. Using the fire from the lighter he scorched the information on the walls.

“We are moving anyway…” Scott tried to keep from twitching. “We are moving anyway…”

“Kurt is Amanda still here?” Logan asked.

“Yeah she’s in the infirmary checking up on Christy,” Kurt nodded.

“We’re gonna need her,” Logan said.

“For the mission?” Kurt asked.

“Oh yeah I love fajitas too!” Pyro went on. “Really? I never tried a chimichonga. I should do that. Thank you Layla. Give love and kisses to Bishop!” He made kissing noises.

“Yeah that too,” Logan groaned. “But mostly to see if she still has some aspirin. Because Cyclops is gonna need it. In fact so am I.”

“So this is where we need to go,” Kitty looked at the wall. “It’s not that far.”

“Yeah and the best thing about it is that there’s a great Mexican-French Cuisine take out place right down the block!” Pyro said. “Ooh Click! I just got a great idea for a new kind of restaurant! Barbecue your own food! It’d make a million!”

“Pyro crisis first, barbecue second,” Wanda told him. “So who’s going?”

“Me, Storm, Wolverine, Wavedancer,” Scott called off. “Iceman, Pyro, Avalanche, Quicksilver, Nightcrawler, Shadowcat, Toad, Trinity, Gambit, Amanda, Colossus, Blob and the Scarlet Witch. We’re going to need all the heavy hitters we can get on this team.”

“What about me?” Emma asked.

“You’re in charge here while we’re gone,” Scott said. “You…”

“Ooh! I forgot I had this lighter! I will name this one Carol!” Pyro dug out another lighter from his back pocket and promptly began to set a chair on fire. “Yeah!”

“The rest of you start packing,” Scott groaned. “Make sure you pack the fire extinguishers first.”

"Thank you Scott for not taking me on this mission!" Emma groaned.

SHIELD base hidden in the desert…

“Okay Banner, just see what you can do,” Fury spoke to Banner on a com link in the control center. “Gabriel are you sure it was necessary to bring Banner in?”

“You said so yourself, when it comes to Gamma radiation, Banner is the best there is…” Agent Gabriel folded his arms. The long time SHIELD Hulk hunter was satisfied. “And if we want to calibrate the gamma scanners just right….”

!

“Hey there folks!” The scene was gone and was replaced by Deadpool. “It’s me again! Sorry to interrupt the story but there hasn’t been enough of me in this fic! I mean come on, this part is exposition. It’s boring anyway! We all know what is gonna happen here. They’re going to talk about some boring space stuff, the rocket fires and the merry mutants come to save the day! Or the Hulk! Or whatever! Come on! Admit it! Wouldn’t you rather see more of me? I know I do!”

Deadpool what the hell are you doing? Get out of this fic! You’re not supposed to show up for a while!

“Aww but I’m bored!” Deadpool pouted. “You won’t let me kill anything. Hey how about I do a musical number? That’ll chase the blues away! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!”

Deadpool get out of this fic before you are C-A-N-C-E-L-E-D CANCELED!”

“Sheese! All right! All right! Some people are so picky!” Deadpool grumbled as he left the screen. “I try to liven up your dull boring fic and what thanks do I get? None! Fine! I can tell when I’m not wanted!”

That will be a first. Sorry about that folks. My mind sort of snapped. Won’t happen again. We now return to our fic already in progress.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

“That rocket wasn’t supposed to fire!” Fury snapped. He grabbed Gabriel. “What the hell are you playing at Gabriel?”

“See I told you this was gonna happen!” Deadpool called out from offstage.

SHUT UP DEADPOOL! Sorry. Go back to the fic folks. Really. It won’t happen again.

“So do we just what take it from the top or…?” Fury was confused.

Just go onto your next line. Just pretend it didn’t happen.

“Okay…” Fury went to say something then stopped. “I’m sorry. I forgot my line. The whole interruption threw me off.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Gabriel looked at the monitor. “The X-Men and Misfits are here to stop the rocket.

“Okay so what, do you just cut to them or…?” Gabriel asked.

Yeah we’ll cut to the scenes of them fighting the defense drones.

“Defense drones? What defense drones?” Deadpool poked in.

“It was in the boring exposition!” Fury snapped at him. “If you hadn’t cut into our scene the audience would have known that this satellite was programmed to harness gamma radiation and other forms of radiation in order to study them. And it would also power up a new defense system of defense drones.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

“Defense drones which the X-Men and Misfits are cutting through like a knife through butter,” Gabriel looked at the scanner.

“Oh I guess that was kind of important huh?” Deadpool scratched his head.

“YES!” Fury snapped.

“Look can you just get out of here so we can get back to our scene?” Gabriel asked. “Damn it! Now I forgot my lines!”

“Let’s just do a quick run through before the next scene we’re in,” Fury picked up a script. “If someone would stop bothering us and let us concentrate?”

“Yeah Irving! Stop hogging the background and…” Deadpool snapped.

“He meant you, you maniac!” Gabriel snapped as he held his script. “Great! I lost my place!”

“Right over here on page 12,” Fury pointed.

“Oh thanks,” Gabriel said.

Let’s just go to the scene where the X-Men and Misfits fight the drones and free the Hulk shall we?

“Uh oh yeah, problem…” Deadpool waved. “You know that scene you were gonna show that you put in that big metal film holding thingy?”

Yes…

“Well uh I kind of accidentally dropped it,” Deadpool said. “In a garbage disposal. After I sort of accidentally ran over it with my car. After I played hockey with it by myself for a few hours. And shot it.”

Oh for crying out…Do you have any idea how expensive that was? And how long it took to film it!

“Don’t worry! I’ll act out the scene!” Deadpool said cheerfully. “Okay here’s the big drones and they’re going WRRRROOMMM! BADA! BADA! BOOM! BOOM! And the mutants are like, ‘Destroy them!’ and the drones are ‘Destroy the intruders’ but since they are drones they get sliced! SNIKT! Wolverine slices a few! ZAP! Cyclops blasts some to smithereens! FREEZE! Iceman freezes some! BURN! Pyro burns some! HEX! The Scarlet Witch turns two drones against each other! It’s drone against drone! Brother against brother! Oh the drama! The tragedy!”

“Red we seriously need to talk about your caffeine intake,” Fury gave the author a look.

“One drone is like: I will destroy you all!” Deadpool jumped around acting out the scene and doing the voices. “And the other drone is like: ‘Don’t do this we are brothers’!’ No! We are no longer brothers! Why not? Because we are machines and machines can’t be brothers! You have a point! Let's destroy each other! BOOM! ZAP! KABOOM! You’ve destroyed me! You have destroyed me! What a world! What a world!”

“What a stupid fic this is,” Fury groaned.

“Suddenly Colossus tosses Wolverine using the old fastball special to the rocket in order to cut Banner loose! Something is wrong! The rocket is changing course and is slowing down making it easy for Wolverine to get to the rocket for some reason!” Deadpool kept acting. “BOOOM! POW! POW! SNIKT! SLICE! RARRRR! HULK SMASH! HULK GET ANGRY! Banner Hulks out as soon as Wolverine cuts open the rocket and a drone shoots at them! Hulk jumps out of rocket with Wolverine on his back! Hulk smashes drones! GRRRR! HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH!”

Deadpool began to trash the set. “HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH!”

“GET HIM OUT OF HERE!” Fury shouted.

I’ve got this. Deadpool….SQUIRREL!

“Where?” Deadpool looked around. “Where’s the squirrel?”

SMASH!

“Gotta admit those mallets Red uses are very handy,” Fury remarked.

“Hey what’s going on here? What happened to our big fight scene?” Lance asked as the X-Men and Misfits entered the stage.

“Deadpool the dimwit…” Gabriel began.

“Got it,” Logan interrupted him.

“Daisy…Daisy…” Deadpool giggled. “Ooh look at all the cute little puppets from 9! Nothing says fun like post apocalyptic puppets! I know they aren't really puppets but they are just so cute! Especially when they are blowing up stuff!”

“Somebody get him out of here?” Fury barked. Two stagehands dragged Deadpool away. “So now what?”

Just skip to the scene where the mutants confront the SHIELD agents and we’ll take it from there.

“Well that was convenient,” Todd blinked.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say Red let Deadpool do that on purpose so she wouldn’t have to write the scene,” Logan grumbled. “Oh wait. Yes she would do that!”

“Hey give her a break!” Fred told him.

“Yeah do you have any idea how hard it is to write two one hundred chapter fics at the exact same time?” Todd asked. “Cut the lady some slack will ya?”

“Oh I’ll cut her something all right…” Logan muttered.

“Let’s just try to get our focus back even if the fourth wall has been shattered to pieces,” Fury suggested.

“Okay,” Pyro then looked at the audience. “Hey there’s someone picking their nose!”

“PYRO!” Everyone yelled.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Pyro said. “So we’ll pick it up from the top?”

Yes! No more freaking interruptions! Fury we’ll start from your line. Three…Two…One…Action!

“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?” Fury snapped. “What are you mutants doing trashing our secret base?”

“Short version, the Illuminati was trying to shoot the Hulk into outer space,” Scott explained.

“How do you know about the Illuminati?” Gabriel snapped.

“How do you?” Pietro shot back. “We just found out a few minutes ago!”

“We had a call from some psychics,” Rogue explained. “Warning us that if the Hulk was shot into space it would have been a disaster for the entire planet.”

“You don’t expect us to buy that load of crap do you?” Gabriel snarled as he leveled his weapon on them.

“It’s the truth you…” Rogue began.

“!”

“What the hell was that?” A SHIELD technician looked at the scanner. “Uh sir, we have a problem. A big one!”

“Besides the Hulk trashing our…?” Fury looked at the monitors. “Oh boy…”

“Two big green gamma monsters?” Kitty gasped.

“That other one is called the Abomination,” Fury said. “Kind of like the Hulk only he wants to rule the world and destroy all of civilization.”

“I’m guessing that’s one of the reasons we had to save Banner,” Todd blinked.

“Okay that’s a pretty big reason,” Fury blinked. “I’ll accept it.”

“RAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“HULK SMASH GREEN MONSTER!”

“Should we go help him or something?” Bobby blinked.

“Uh no I think the Hulk kind of has this one covered,” Kurt gulped.

“I think we should get out of here and…” Gabriel tried to leave.

“You going nowhere, Sugar,” Rogue smirked as she knocked Gabriel out with a touch of her hand.

“So what do we do Sir?” A SHIELD agent asked. “I mean about the Hulk and Abomination?”

“Son, I learned a long time ago to never get involved in any major fight between two monsters,” Fury snorted. “I think the best thing to do now is to evacuate the base until there’s a winner!”

“RARRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“Or they could just take off and go fight in the desert,” Fury blinked. “Whichever comes first. Now as for you guys, what exactly do you know about the Illuminati?”

“We just said we….” Bobby began.

“Hold on,” Rogue held up her hand. “I just got a dose of memories from Gabriel. I know who the Illuminati are! And I know where they are!”

“How did this go so wrong so fast?” A shadowy figure groaned.

“It was the Misfits’ fault! How else?” Another shadowy figure told the first.

“And the X-Men! What were they thinking?” A third shadowy figure asked.

BOOOOOOM!

“We were wondering the same thing Sugar,” Rogue snapped as she used her super strength to break down the armored door. The X-Men and Misfits were soon in the room with Fury.

“Well, well, well…” Fury folded his arms as he saw who was in the room. “Reed Richards, Tony Stark, and Doctor Strange. You’re the Illuminati?”

“Don’t bother denying it! I got Agent Gabriel’s memories of him working with you,” Rogue snapped.

“You guys are so busted,” Todd snickered.

“Fury we can explain,” Tony removed his Iron Man helmet.

“Oh you better explain!” Fury snapped. “I should have known you three would be involved in something like this!”

"You did? Because we didn't!" Todd said.

“Doctor Strange…How could you?” Amanda was stunned.

“Yeah first you make up this bull about not getting involved in mortal affairs and now you’re sticking your nose in ‘em?” Wanda snapped.

“The purpose of the Illuminati is to guide human development in order to better itself,” Doctor Strange said. “And make the entire planet better. As much as I hate to admit it, getting rid of a menace like the Hulk would help the world.”

“The Hulk isn’t a menace! He can’t help it if nut jobs like you keep hunting him down!” Daria snapped.

“He only acts out in self defense,” Brittany nodded. “Poor misunderstood guy.”

“Yeah you wreck a few cities and leave a tiny little path of destruction and everyone gets on your case!” Quinn agreed.

“Okay someone else better defend the Hulk because you three aren’t really the best choice to be defending him,” Remy groaned.

“Who else is in this secret society?” Wanda asked. “Not Captain America…”

“No, but I bet Namor is,” Fury growled.

“Yes but he wanted nothing to do with this mission,” Reed sighed. “He was against it. And Black Bolt.”

“BLACK BOLT IS IN ON THIS TOO?” Fury yelled. “THE MAN LIVES ON THE FREAKING MOON AND YOU INVITED HIM TO BE PART OF THIS STUPID SOCIETY OF YOURS? HE DOESN’T EVEN LIVE ON EARTH AND ISN’T EVEN HUMAN!”

“I can’t believe it,” Todd said. “Black Bolt knows about this too. Can you believe it?”

“I don’t believe it,” Fred shook his head.

“Me neither,” Todd said. “Who’s Black Bolt?”

“That’s not important right now,” Fury told them. “What’s important that these…lunatics realize the implications of what they almost did!”

“I know! They almost made a huge mistake! Dude your coordinates are totally off,” Quinn looked at the trajectory.

“What do you mean off?” Reed asked.

“I mean you’re wrong,” Quinn said. “These coordinates you wrote down here don’t go to this planet. They go to this one.”

“No, they don’t,” Reed said.

“Yes they do,” Quinn said.

“I beg to differ,” Reed said.

“Beg all you like,” Quinn said. “You’re still wrong!”

“Excuse me, but I have studied quantum physics and propulsion theories for a lot longer than you have been alive,” Reed said. “I know what I’m doing!”

“Hello! Which one of us flew around in outer space for a few weeks getting maps?” Quinn snapped back. “I’ve seen this section of space. You’re wrong!”

“No, she’s right!” Fury looked at the schematics. “You did make a mistake in calculations Richards!”

“How would you know that Fury?” Tony asked.

“This might come as a shock to you Stark, but even though some of us don’t have genius level IQ’s, we can add and subtract and do complicated mathematical equations!” Fury snapped. “And I’m telling you, ya screwed up right here! See that? When was the last time seven and five were eleven? It’s twelve genius!”

“I did put twelve!” Reed took back the data pad. “See right there that’s an…eleven. Oops.”

“Oops? You made a miscalculation that almost sent the Hulk to the wrong planet and all you can say is Oops?” Fury snapped. “How could you make such a stupid mistake?”

“I don’t know! I must have been distracted,” Reed said.

“Gee Reed Richards distracted, what a shock,” Logan said sarcastically.

“Okay so we picked the wrong planet but that doesn’t change anything! I mean one planet is as good as another right?” Tony asked.

“Depends if the planet has oxygen or not!” Todd said. “Even I know that!”

“According to our records that Trinity brought back not only is this planet inhabited, but they have space traveling capabilities,” Fury checked the data. “In other words the Hulk would have been able to come back.”

“Big Oops,” Bobby said.

“So if your plan to shoot Banner into space worked, not only would Abomination have trashed the city, the Hulk would have come back totally pissed,” Kitty snapped. “And I can’t say I’d blame him!”

“I guess this is a bad time to tell you that we were going to send a bomb after the Hulk landed on the planet huh?” Tony coughed. “If we made a miscalculation like that…We could have killed innocent people!”

“YA THINK?” Logan roared. “WHAT WERE YOU MORONS THINKING?”

“Wait a minute! We never agreed to send a bomb on that planet!” Reed shouted. Sheepish looks came from Tony and Doctor Strange. “Are you kidding me?”

“Looks like the Illuminati even keep secrets from each other,” Fury snorted.

“Guys! I swear! I just wanted to send the Hulk to a safe distance! Not destroy him!” Reed protested. “Tony what were you thinking?”

“It was for the good of everyone on this planet that the Hulk would be removed from it,” Tony said. “Even you Fury have to understand that! And Banner would probably understand…”

“Did it ever occur to you geniuses to ask him first?” Fury snapped. “Because I did. A few years back.”

“What?” Reed blinked.

“Banner came to me and begged me to find a place to lock him away so he could work on a cure without hurting anyone,” Fury grunted. “Believe me I almost took him up on his offer.”

“Why didn’t you? Not out of the goodness of your heart,” Logan asked.

“For one thing that power the Hulk possesses is too dangerous to be in anyone’s hands,” Fury said. “Let’s just say there are certain factions that want to use the Hulk’s power for themselves within the government. You friend Eddington is one of them.”

“So why not just let us shoot him into space?” Tony said.

“The problem is it’s not just the Hulk we’d be sending out,” Fury said. “It’s Banner too. And there’s a ton of aliens out there who would love a brilliant scientist merged with a raging killing machine to use against us.”

“The Chitauri,” Tony frowned.

“Yes Stark, the Chitauri, the Skrulls, the Kree or anyone else out there!” Fury said. “You send the Hulk out there we might as well gift wrap him with a bow for any alien race that wants to conquer the Earth. Because they’re watching us for any chance to gain an advantage.”

“And having one mean green mayhem mutant wrecking machine that turns into one of the most brilliant minds on the planet in a tin can where he can’t get out would do it,” Logan put it together.

“Right. As much as I hate to admit it, having the Hulk wander around the Earth is the lesser of two evils,” Fury spat. “Although I admit I don’t mind deliberately sabotaging some of Agent Gabriel’s little toys. The man is a snake with a knife in his tail waiting to put it in my back and get my job.”

“Wait that was you?” Bobby gasped.

“Until we can find a better containment system where no one can get to the Hulk everything stays as is,” Fury told them. “Besides The Hulk doesn’t deliberately go out and trash cities like Abomination. He tries to stay away from people as much as possible. And with Abomination still on the loose we’re gonna need the Hulk around for a while.”

“Not to mention the fact that sending the Hulk to a planet you don’t know about that could be inhabited and then sending a bomb to blow him up is just plain stupid!” Todd shouted.

“And he should know about stupid plans,” Kurt nodded.

"Right! Wait a minute..." Todd blinked then glared at Kurt.

“I think that you X-Men and Misfits are in enough trouble without…” Tony tried to change the direction of the conversation.

“Forget the X-Men and Misfits!” Fury got in Tony’s face. “I think you boys and I are going to have a nice long talk about making secret societies behind my back!”

“But Xavier was part of our society too!” Tony told him.

“WHAT?” The X-Men shouted.

“You have got to be kidding me?” Scott shouted. “The Professor would never have…Who am I trying to fool here? Of course he would!”

“Did he know about this little vacation you were planning to send Banner on?” Logan asked.

“We were discussing it but we never got his vote,” Reed said truthfully.

“Wonderful…” Logan winced. “Chuck you are a dead man.”

“I thought he was already dead?” Tony realized something. “He’s still alive isn’t he?”

“And you say I have a big mouth?” Bobby looked at Logan. “Maybe you should shut your pie hole?”

“He’s in a coma but he may wish he never came out of it by the time we get through talking to him,” Rogue folded her arms.

“Just because he talked about it doesn’t mean Xavier would have done it,” Scott told her. “It’s like those little bull sessions we have about the Misfits. Just because we sometimes fantasize about sending them in a crate to Abu Dhabi doesn’t mean we’ll actually do it no matter how tempted we are.”

“You should hear some of the stuff we fantasize about what we want to do to you, Summers,” Lance glared at him.

“So what’s going to happen to these guys? You’re gonna send them to jail?” Kitty asked.

“Like anything we have could hold them,” Fury grumbled. “Besides Richards and Stark are too important. We need them for our fight against the Chitarui and other nutcases like Doom as well as they are important for the image of the Avengers and the Fantastic Four. And Strange is too powerful. But they are not going to get away with this!”

“Hold on a minute,” Pietro grinned. “I have plan. Anybody have a cell phone?”

“What are you up to?” Fury gave him one. “I know you can’t be calling the papers.”

“Oh no, someone worse,” Pietro grinned as he dialed.

“Worse?” Fury asked.

“Hello? Hi there Sue!” Pietro smirked. “It’s me Quicksilver of the Misfits! Oh fine. How are you? Well actually that’s kind of a funny story really…”

“No, no, no…” Reed tried to grab Pietro but he zoomed away to talk privately. Peter and Logan blocked him. “Don’t tell Sue! Don’t tell…”

“HE DID WHAT?” Sue’s voice was overheard by phone. “THAT’S WHERE HE’S BEEN MOST NIGHTS INSTEAD OF HELPING ME AROUND THE HOUSE?”

“I’m afraid so,” Pietro said in a sing song voice as he zoomed back. “Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh yes you can ask Colonel Fury here and he will tell you that everything I said was true. Right Colonel Fury?”

“Yes I’m afraid so,” Fury spoke to the phone as Quicksilver held up. “Your husband is part of a secret society called the Illuminati that’s trying to mold the world and nearly shot his buddy Bruce Banner into space.”

“See?” Pietro took the phone back. “Oh really? He promised to do what? I see…Hold on…” He held the phone. “Reed your wife would like to have a few words with you.”

“I’m a dead man,” Reed moaned as he took the phone. “Uh Sue? Honey…I can explain…”

A torrent of screams and yells emerged from the phone. “She’s a little miffed,” Reed winced at the screaming.

“That won’t work on me,” Tony snorted. “I’m not married.”

“Oh really?” Logan raised an eyebrow. He pulled out a cell phone and punched in a number. “Hello? Pepper? Pepper Potts? Hi there! It’s Logan!”

“Oh crap!” Tony’s face went white. “You wouldn’t!”

“Girlfriend?” Lance asked.

“Nope, secretary,” Logan smirked. “Sorry, personal assistant. I said I was sorry. Look there’s a reason I called. Pepper guess what your boss has been doing?”

“Don’t tell her I’m here!” Tony yelled.

“Yes he was planning to betray Bruce by sending him into outer space,” Logan went on.

“He tells her anyway,” Tony groaned.

“This childish plan to tattle on me won’t work,” Doctor Strange gave them a look. “Not only have I ended my relationship with Dead Girl I am a Sorcerer Supreme. You can’t…”

“Hello? Clea?” Amanda called on her phone. “Hi there! It’s Amanda Sefton!”

“HOW DID YOU GET HER NUMBER?” Doctor Strange yelled.

“Benny,” Amanda grinned. “Clea remember how you once said that you hated secret societies that try to shape the destinies of Earth and other worlds?”

“Benny! That lousy little…” Doctor Strange gritted his teeth.

“You guys are in such trouble,” Todd snickered.

“Yeah that’s what he did with Richards and Stark,” Amanda said. “Oh really? You know where they live? Oh well that’s handy. I think they will enjoy that. Okay see you soon.”

“What did you mean by that?” Doctor Strange asked.

“Sue! Sue please!” Reed shouted. “Sue there is no need to use that kind of language! Sue wait? Sue?” He blinked. “I think she hung up on me.”

“Pepper, Pepper…” Tony tried to talk his way out of it. “Look Pepper I know what I am…Pepper. Pepper? Pepper? She hung up on me. That went easier than I thought.”

“I don’t think so…” Doctor Strange moaned.

“Why do you say that?” Reed asked.

There was a bright flash. Three women were standing before them. Three very familiar and very angry women. “That’s why!” Doctor Strange moaned.

“Reed…” Susan Storm glared at her husband.

“Tony…” Pepper Potts, a red haired woman with glasses and a conservative outfit glared at her boss.

“Stephen…” Clea, a very powerful silver haired sorceress glared at her of and on again lover.

“We need to talk,” All three woman said in unison.

“RUN!” Tony screamed. He tried to make a break for it using his Iron Man armor but he was stopped cold by an invisible force field. “Ow!”

“Going somewhere?” Susan asked in a cold tone.

“Someone’s in trouble!” Pietro taunted.

“You bet someone’s in trouble!” Susan grabbed Reed’s ear and stretched it.

“Ha! My armor protects me from any…” Tony began. “OW! NOT THE MUSTACHE! OW! PEPPER LET GO!”

“Clea! Clea remember I am the Sorcerer Supreme and…YEOOWWW!” Doctor Strange screamed in agony.

“Oh that has got to hurt,” Scott winced.

“I’m guessing you guys will take care of Xavier’s little part in this?” Fury asked.

“As if there was any doubt?” Bobby snorted. “Ooh, that Clea has a good right hook.”

“Yeah I think as of today the Illuminati is shut down but good,” Logan snorted. “Of course that still leaves us with you Fury.”

“Are you kidding? You destroyed the Illuminati, helped save the city of San Francisco, and now I have something to hold over the heads of three of the most powerful men in the world,” Fury grinned. “I feel like it’s Christmas and there’s a nice big shiny new bicycle under the tree!”

“And here is the pictures that will keep the memories alive for years to come,” Lance grinned as he filmed the most powerful men in the world getting their butts kicked.

“Wait a second…” Fury said. “I don’t want you guys filming this!”

“We’re not gonna put it on the Internet,” Lance said. “Just keep it for our own files in case we wanna blackmail these guys.”

“Well in that case make me a copy and we’ll call it even for the whole Mass Device thing,” Fury said.

“Deal,” Althea nodded.

“Good kick Clea!” Amanda shouted.

“Ooh! Rubber like body or not that is gonna leave a mark,” Logan winced.

“You know there’s something missing from all this,” Fury thought. “Oh I know. Amanda can you teleport me to the Avenger’s Mansion in New York for a few minutes?”

“Okay, but why?” Amanda raised an eyebrow.

“Just gotta pick something up,” Fury smiled. “Keep that tape rolling!”

“Will do!” Lance grinned as he kept filming. Amanda teleported the two of them away.

“Why are they going there?” Kurt asked.

“Who cares? This is hilarious!” Pietro grinned. “Too bad Jonny Boy of the Fantastic Four isn’t also getting beaten up! Oh well, can’t have everything!”

“I have to admit this has been one of our better missions,” Scott said. “Ouch… I just hope Phoenix doesn’t hear about this.”

“Why?” Wanda asked.

“Because this might give her ideas on what to do to me,” Scott winced.

“Come on Cyclops. It wasn’t your fault. You were brainwashed,” Wanda said. “You weren’t responsible. Trust me on this. I’m an expert.”

“Yeah it’s not like you chose to do it,” Bobby said. “Unlike these clowns.”

“Maybe we should have them write ‘I will not belong to a secret society to try and control the world and shoot my friends into outer space’ a hundred times?” Todd quipped.

“STARK!”

“Oh no…” Tony’s knees began to shake when he heard that voice. He turned around and saw a very large, very green and very angry female standing over him. “Hi Jen…”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU TRYING TO SHOOT MY COUSIN INTO OUTER SPACE AND TRYING TO KILL HIM?” Jennifer Walters, the She Hulk grabbed Tony and started to shake him.

“Oh the She Hulk,” Pietro nodded and looked at Fury. “Nice touch.”

“I thought so,” Fury grinned.

“OW! OW! JEN! STOP IT!” Tony screamed.

“HOW ABOUT I SEND YOU INTO SPACE PAL?” Jen shook him violently.

“I got an idea how!” Clea nodded as she use her magic to force Reed Richard’s to bend his body like a slingshot. “Stuff ‘em in here!”

“Wait a minute! Can’t we talk about this?” Tony shouted.

TWANG!

“Apparently not,” Pietro snickered. “Right into a wall!”

“Ow…” Doctor Strange moaned.

“Strange! You’re the one with the magic! Get us out of here!” Tony yelled.

“You run and I will really hurt you!” Clea threatened as she grabbed Strange by the back of the neck.

“Help…” Strange whimpered before Clea socked him another one. “Sweetheart…”

“Don’t you sweetheart me you son of a bitch!” Clea shouted. “This is why I dumped you the last time!”

“And you! I took this job because I promised to keep you on the straight and narrow path!” Pepper kept hitting her boss’ unshielded head with a newspaper. “Do you know how hard it was to get you to quit drinking? Well that is gonna look like a piece of cake by the time I am through with you!”

“That’s it Reed! You are banned from your lab for at least a month!” Susan yelled. “And one more thing…”

“Susan! Ow! Susan! No! Ow! Don’t do that!” Reed screamed.

“Uh you’re not going to let them the girls kill them are you?” Lance asked Fury.

“Nah, just beat ‘em up until they agree to never pull a stupid stunt like that again. That reminds me, I’d like that Weapon X doctor as soon as you’re finished with him,” Fury said.

“Uh oh…” Quinn blinked. “I knew we forgot something!”

“Oh hell, did we leave that guy in the electric eel tank?” Remy yelled.

“If we did we’d definitely better move because we’ll never get the smell out,” Daria said as they sped off.

“Doesn’t matter if it does. We’re moving so it’s the next guy’s problem,” Pyro said.

TWANG!

“Hey that’s a good knot Susan!” Jen commented on the shape of the Invisible Woman’s husband.

“And people wonder why SHIELD stays out of super human affairs as much as possible?” Fury groaned.