A/N: A Christmas oneshot. Set in the timeline between Nowhere Man and Rules.

Just What I've Always Wanted

An Invader ZIM/Buzz Lightyear of Star Command oneshot

-because I have plenty of time to say both syllables-

WINTER: A present? You want- to give me- a present?
~Rankin/Bass's Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town

It's just what I've always wanted, it's perfectly right
It's just what I've always wanted, a Christmas delight
~Rankin/Bass's 'Jack Frost', 'Just What I've Always Wanted'

12/4/02

5:13 PM

"Sir- sorry."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Dearly beloved cousin," she said, without a trace of emotion on her face, "I have bought you a gift to commemorate this holiday season."

Zim's eyebrows furrowed. "What on Irk are you doing?"

They were standing on a busy street corner, Zim holding GIR's leash. They had been going on a completely mundane walk to the grocery store and this was the first she had spoken since joining in a rant of his about all of this slush a few moments before.

Now, she frowned slightly. Only slightly. Her hologram was calculated to look 'average' and 'normal' but she appeared to have forgotten to add usual human expressions. "I'm giving you a Christmas present- you are family, are you not? It's only customary."

She was speaking slowly and clearly as though addressing a small child, and, he noticed , holding a brightly-wrapped box. He blinked at it. Present? Present for Zim!

"Wait, what?"

Her lips pressed together. "Zim. It's customary. To give gifts. Please accept mine in the spirit of the holiday."

Ohhh. His eyes glazed over briefly, then he snatched away the box, holding it to his chest. A present for Zim! What could it be?

"YOU GOT A PRESENT," GIR squealed, tugging Zim's sleeve. "May likes yoooou!" He gasped and clutched his hands together, an idiot grin on his dog face. "She wants to be your girlfriend!"

MALIK shook her head. "Zim, discipline him. PLEASE."

Being rather conditioned to GIR's outbursts Zim hadn't really been paying attention, preferring to examine his gift. Now he kicked sideways in GIR’s general direction without bothering to look up. "Shut up, GIR."

"Your behavior is shameful," MALIK added, putting her hands on her hips. "You should be in a scrap heap by now."

"He's advanced," Zim said absent-mindedly. His present had a little tag saying 'FOR ZIM' on it! That was cool!

GIR blinked uncomprehendingly. "Aww..."

Zim shook the box beside one of the hearing organs on each side of his waist, listening to the rattle. It was a pretty generic rattle, anything could be in there. He tried to remember if anyone had ever in his life given him something he actually wanted. Lessee, what had he been given before? Well, he'd been given this uniform, which was kinda hot and scratchy and rode up in the back... he'd been given a little medallion with the symbol of the Irken Invaders on it after finishing training, THAT had been cool, but he'd earned it doing training so it couldn't really be considered a present... he'd been given a Megadoomer that hadn't had working cloaking technology and had been... kinda... yeah, that'd turned into a bit of a farce... no instruction manual with that stupid thing... oh, and he'd been given GIR.

He shot said robot a sideways glare. Ugh.

Yeah. And since MALIK's present was only being given to keep up appearances anyway... enh. At least the present didn't smell offensive. GIR had given him some real prizes.

He tucked the little box into his Pak and MALIK nodded with a small smile. "Good job, sir, save it for Christmas."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Her eyebrows furrowed. He sighed, recognizing the signs of an impending robotic tantrum- something GIR had taught him quite thoroughly about. He reached out and patted her shoulder. A surreal experience; she looked like a small child in a sweater and felt and smelled like warm, vibrating metal. Confusing indeed. "Good work, MA- I mean- thank you, dear cousin." He forced a grin that probably came off as quite ghastly. If it did she either didn't notice or didn't care.

She nodded, satisfied, and Zim promptly forgot all about the present.

12/25/02

6:26 AM

Zim entered the living room to find GIR sitting and watching TV, hardly something unusual. Minimoose was perched on the arm of the couch, and MALIK was nowhere to be found- must still be charging. That was one of the few places where she fell down on the job. It was downright stupid to have a robot that needed so much charging time- but she wasn't Irken technology, so it was a miracle she functioned at all.

He took a seat beside GIR.

"Merry Christmas," the defunct robot said, and held out a candy cane.

"Yeah, whatever," and he took the candy. Christmas was, needless to say, not held on Irk, and Zim really didn't care about this planet's stupid customs apart from the fact that skool was let out for them, which was a blessing. Man, he hated skool.

His antennae twitched as he heard sharp, metallic footsteps behind him. He turned to see MALIK in the doorway.

"You're up early," he said.

She frowned. "So are you."

"I don't sleep." Her single eye widened. As an afterthought, he added "Merry Christmas."

"Indeed," she said, blinking. "How can you not require sleep?"

Silly non-Irken technology. "It's all part of being a SUPERIOR Irken," he said, making a dramatic fist.

She seemed to be mulling this over. "Oh. All right," she said. "What is our work for today?"

He winced. Right. Of course he should be working. It was what he was here for. Watching TV, while banally pleasant, was- oh for crying out loud "Shut up!!!"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Siddown, we're- we're researching," he said quickly, pointing to the space between him and GIR. "And you follow orders! Remember?!"

She sat, but with a patronizing look he didn't appreciate. He scowled and licked the candy cane GIR had given him, then gagged on it. "Ugh! Sugar!" He needed to stop putting things GIR gave him into his mouth.

A relative silence fell, as they concentrated on the TV set. Then MALIK posed a question.

"What sort of animal is that?"

"A reindeer. It was born with a hideous nasal defect and has rightfully been ostracized for its filthy deformity. We're supposed to feel sorry for it for reasons I can't fathom."

"What is the point of that?"

Zim waved his candy cane in an expansive gesture, leaning back in his seat. "It's another example of how these silly creatures are driven by their feelings. They think the reindeer is cute, so they like it even though it's a horrible freak of nature."

"Sweet mother of Venus, how incredibly pointless."

"Indeed."

"A horrible freak of nature," GIR slurred.

MALIK cocked her head sideways, furrowing her eyebrows. "Is it singing?"

Zim nodded. "Mmhmm." He absent-mindedly put the candy cane in his mouth again, then coughed and handed it back to GIR who started sucking on it despite its being coated in Irken spit. Zim made a face. "Ewww."

"Ugh, GIR, please try to behave as though you aren't a pig," MALIK added.

Zim flicked him on the head. It made a hollow ringing noise. "Huh. Empty," he said.

GIR grinned at him, drooling. Zim shied away.

MALIK shuddered, then cast Zim a wary look and folded her arms over her chest. "Sir, it's Christmas morning."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm aware of that."

"You have a lot on your mind, I'm sure, so you may have forgotten..." ...that it was Christmas? "But I gave you a present" oh "towards the beginning of the month, as you may recall."

He blinked. "A present?" Present? Present for Zim? "When was this?!"

"December 4th. 5:15 PM," she rattled off.

"Oh." His eyebrows furrowed. "Kaay..."

She pointed to his Pak. "You put it away in your Pak for later. It is now Christmas morning and, I believe, 'later'."

He did a mental search of his Pak. Yes, the box in question was still there. He pulled it out with a spider limb and took it into his hands, smelling it over with his antennae. It smelled like metal and plastic and paper and the inside of his Pak. "Ooh! What is it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Open it and see, sir."

Hmmm. GIR sometimes gave him old tacos. This didn't smell like tacos. Or dead mice. Or old shoes. Granted, MALIK and GIR were rather different in temperament.

Minimoose squeaked.

"My girlfriend? Huh?" Zim said. "No, she merely gave me this to keep up appearances." He gave Minimoose a cool look. "And she didn't get you anything."

"He hasn't earned it," MALIK said shortly.

But Zim had? Yes! Of course he had!

But what could it possibly be? He was stymied. He had only had MALIK for a few months and still knew little about her... he knew she was dedicated and fierce, and seemed trustworthy. And she didn't make stupid jokes. And had to charge every night, and drank oil... but other than that...

"You just gave me this as a decoy gift, right?" he prodded.

She blinked twice. "Of course. Why else- I simply thought, sir, as I had the occasion-" What was IN this thing? "I intended to do things right, sir."

"Okaaay..." he muttered, wondering if she had some sort of craziness to her that hadn't previously presented itself. Was she a serial killer? Was there a head in this box? He shredded the paper with his claws and opened the box to reveal-

His jaw dropped. "A tool set?"

It was a nice tool set, too. Not of Irken design, but much better than what he currently had, as what he currently had had all been either melted by GIR in the oven or thrown at the neighbor's dog in a fit of pique. It would do quite nicely until he could get the Tallest to give him something better.

It was a good present. What the-

"I thought it appropriate. You seem to be a talented inventor-"

"Mmhmm..."

"-and the SIR is constantly making off with your tools."

"I... suppose..." he said, opening the little case and taking out a laser wrench, exactly what he'd been needing to recalibrate the robo-parents with. Why had she done this? "Where did you get it?" He gasped. "It has my NAME on it!" In gold. Z-I-M. AWESOME!!

"I thought you might appreciate that," she said with a slight raise of her eyebrows. "I bought it in the Galactic Federation. I had some money on me from when-" She blinked. "From when you stole me, I suppose." She looked thoughtful for a minute, then shook her head. "Anyhow, I didn't spend your money." She couldn't have, Zim had no money. "That would have been foolish and misguided."

He slowly blinked. She'd left the planet? "Did you go alone?"

"I wasn't about to take GIR," she said shortly.

So she could have left him. All this time, she could have- and he'd stolen her. He'd forgotten all about it until she brought it up. Technically, she should have...

A strange logical fallacy... and she was not prone to logical fallacies. He drummed his fingers on the couch cushion beside him.

"Where I come from, we also have a holiday for giving gifts," she was saying. "I am sorry if I have offended you in some way."

"No. I'm fine," he said, putting the tool back in the case and shutting it. "It's satisfactory." He pressed his lips together. "You've done well."

She frowned, studying him. He looked away, standing up. "We have work to do. GIR, shut this thing off."

She stood. "Ah! What work?" she said, looking glad.

"Not you."

MALIK blinked, looking taken aback. Zim folded his arms over his chest, pressing his antennae to his head. "You, umm... you need to…" She'd most likely know if she was being given busywork but whatever. "-go… t-to- the store and get-" He stamped one foot, looking like the world's ugliest four-year-old. "I don't know! Just-"

"Oh. Y-yes sir." She looked rather crushed.

GIR began to giggle. "Maaaster liiiikes Maaaay!"

Zim looked down at him, narrowing his eyes. "Die in a fire, GIR."

GIR blinked.

"I'm very sorry, sir," MALIK said hastily. "I didn't mean- I didn't ever-"

"Of course you didn't," he said shortly.

She clasped her hands in front of her. "I-"

"No, it's quite all right," he snapped, and stalked towards the toilet.

So what if she went out to buy him presents instead of running away. It was merely a reflection on his amazing people skills. So what if no one had ever bought him anything with their own money because- well- he should be proud of his ability to make friends. He shouldn't-

She had to be tricking him, right? Because no one... ever...

He shook his head. As he was descending into the lab he heard GIR squealing-

"ZIM AND MALIK SITTIN' IN A TREE! KAY-EYE-ESS-ESS-EYE-EN-"

There was a loud clang. "SCREW. YOU. GIR."

Zim's squeedly-spooch lurched and he resolved to have some Irken beer. It was a holiday, after all.

A/N: Yah, whatever.

Rankin/Bass pwns.