Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs.

Six Years After Rachel’s Death

I would always remember her as fearless.

Remember. Thanks to Jake all I can do is remember. I can’t talk to her, can’t help her or hold her or become human for a few precious moments to be with her. I can’t love her.

I never think her name, never willingly. Never think it, yet the name is flooding me from all sides, becoming me and rapidly closing in on me.

I miss her.

Rachel.

It brings pain. Sorrow. Doom. Jake sent her after his own brother. What kind of monster does that? What kind of being will sacrifice all his family, win a war, have a life ahead of him, and shunt it away? At least he has Cassie, and his parents, and his body. I am a hawk with a dead lover.

I would have married her. And I’m sure she loved me back, and would have married me too.

But that’s all null and void by now. The only thing that’s real is the hawk. And the pain.

The hawk wants to fly. I want to fly. I…I am nothing.

The being named Tobias knows himself not.

I cannot stay that way.

Always, Tobias comes back. There’s no choice. He has to come back. When the hawk is done, and his mind is quiet, well, the human mind never stops thinking, it seems.

Pain.

Missing.

Rachel.

I suppose I’ll get over her eventually. I know I’ll never find another girl. Nobody’s quite like Rachel, nobody has that swagger, that cocky smile. Nobody can feel that pain and still say, “Let’s do it!” quite like she can. Like she could.

I’ve been thinking about Elfangor lately. Elfangor. My father. I wonder if, up in Andalite heaven, he’s watching me? If he cares whether I’m doing well or horribly? I know Rachel’s watching. She can’t NOT be. If there is a heaven, someday I’ll see Rachel again. I know this much.

Her again. But she was so much of my life, so loyal, so brave, how could I not think of her always? How could I not?

I hope Aximilli, my shorm, is alright.

I hope Rachel is alright.

My name is Rachel.

And my boyfriend, before I died, that is, is a damn fool.

I miss him too. More than anything. But he should get over me. I’m dead. But there’s company up here. There’s Elfangor. There’s the Ellimst. There’s Tom-the real Tom, not that filthy Yeerk scum. I’m not sure where the Yeerks went, but if they’re here too, I hope I never have to see him. There’s a bunch of Mercora, even-from the time of the Dinosaurs. It isn’t lonely, even without Tobias.

Of course, that’s what I’d tell him now. The first few weeks after I died, I begged the Ellimist, The Sky, even Crayak to be brought back to life, to Tobias. Crayak told me his offer once again-my life for Jake’s-but I’m not scum. I’m dead. He should be allowed to live.

These days I talk to Elfangor, mostly. He’s kind, brave, honorable. And one day he told me his whole story.

“And when I died, I knew I was leaving the Escafil device in good hands,” he concluded. “It was with my son. It was with the son of Eva, of Visser One. It was with Cassie, the girl who could intermingle time. It was with my brother. And it was with the Berenson line. The Ellimist had showed me this. You were strong. You would win.”

I miss him. Tobias. But life-or in my case, death, goes on. I wait for the day I’ll see them all again, but I hope it’s not soon. Then they’ll not be living either.

Sleep well, Tobias, I think softly at him. Live well. Be happy. I love you.

Tobias POV

I swear I can almost hear her voice. She’s telling me she loves me, to be happy.

But maybe it’s just an echo.