Mother's Diaries

Part III

Every action is bound to have a proper and opposite reaction

By Jasmin Kaiba

August 25, 2011

I'm not very good at this, no I'm horrible at this, I don't know how to handle it and I don't understand Logan! How can he get over it so quickly? Our son died two weeks ago and he's up and about like every other day! This isn't the man I married; this isn't the man I loved!

Can't he understand that I can't bring up that same attitude and just live on like nothing happened?! I want my little boy back, I don't want anything else! If he can't give me my Nicky back then he should get the hell away from me! I don't want him and I don't need him, I need my son! Give me back my little boy!

August 30, 2011

I got over Mom's death, somehow. I guess I had always known that one day she'll be gone that she can't live forever. That's probably what helped me realize that no matter how much I mourn I'll never get her back, it's pretty much impossible.

But it's not so easy to accept my son's death. I can't even say it aloud, I don't dare say that Nicky's dead, I'm always saying that he's gone, like he'll be back tomorrow, and the worst thing is I even believe that the next morning he'll greet me with a shy smile and a bright, "Good Morning, Mommy!"

I miss him so much it's unbearable. Since the funeral I slept every night on the couch downstairs. Nicky had the tendency to have bad dreams and when he did, though he did it when he didn't have nightmares, he'll come downstairs, where he knew I'll be working or reading or something and say that he was scared of his dream and could he please have a glass of milk, he did it almost every night. Then I'd warm him up some milk, let him cuddle into my lap till he fell asleep and then bring him into bed with Logan and me. He is such a Momma's boy... He was such a Momma's boy. Logan once said that he wondered how we managed to make Annie what with Nicky sleeping in our bed almost every night.

Logan... Logan moved out two days ago... He said that he couldn't watch me like this anymore and to call him when I'm thinking like a normal person again, he took Annie.

I think it's for the best. I didn't try to stop, I didn't want to. Looking at him caused me pain, I'm better without him, but I miss my little girl.

Grandma's been here lately. We talk a lot about Mom. I never had any idea how much Grandma loved Mom and how much it hurt her that Mom had always been so cold towards her. I guess I understand it now that I'm a mother myself. Why my Mom didn't see it, though, I'll never understand. But she'd always been hard-headed and had her own opinion on everything. That's a good trait when you don't overdo it, Mom definitely overdid it. She didn't see how much Grandma missed her because she was busy berating Grandma for being a society lady.

Shira and Honor are here often too, they'd always come at least once a week, but they're here now almost every day. Josh is mostly on business trips so Honor stays sometimes overnight, Shira rarely so, though I wouldn't bet she doesn't do it 'cause Mitchum is waiting for her. God understands that man, I don't.

Shira has also been raging about Logan moving out, I keep quiet, he's her son, and she can say what she wants.

September 25, 2011

My little girl is home with me again.

Logan filed for divorce last week, I'm going to sign it tomorrow. I don't care...

Tears run down Annie's face, so that's been it. Her parents divorcing. She wanted to die; she finally remembered that horrible year and wished it had stayed hidden from her forever.

AN: Thanks for your more then wonderful reviews so far. I'm aware that most of you are very shocked right now and/or very angry. Before you decide to murder me in my sleep, leave fourteen reviews and maybe this madness will be resolved in the next one-shot.

Jas