Author's Note:

'Ello! 'Tis the Winged Ferret, with a Twilight parody, for fans and non-fans alike! Who else thinks sentinent zombies need some more showtime? Meeeeee! Zombies ahead, everyone!

Warning: If you do not have a sense of humour, press your back button NOW. I make fun of Twilight, and Bella, a lot, and just about mangle it like heck. If you don't like it, don't torture yourself by reading through it. Seriously. It's not smart.

However, if you're a fan with a sense of humour who wants to see zombies on ice, or a non-fan who just wants to see me make fun of everything, including Australians, read on! Swearing follows, just a warnin'.

Disclaimer: The Twilight series and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, the author. I am making no money off this, this parody is made purely for fun. I am not responsible for any eye-burning or ruptured eardrums that may result from looking at this "fanfic" and screaming at the sheer horribleness of it.

Preface

A room. A dark room, illuminated by strange, green light emanating from jars. Bigger than a man's head and taller than the length of the average ruler, they sat in groups on the dark, stone table. A single figure leaned against it, head bowed, dressed all in black – a sinister leather overcoat covering her shoulders, gloves splaying black-clad fingers on the table’s surface, a small black fedora sitting on a head of hair which spilt to her shoulders. She stood, a silhouette against the light, her edges glistening a strange, swirling green. What looked like brains hovered in the jars of water, moved by invisible currents.

She whacked one of the jars, the thick glass making a muffled sound as she did so. “What the heck? Formaldehyde is not supposed to glow like that! And what the heck is making those brains move, anyway?”

“You’re on air,” said a gruff voice, unseen in the darkness.

“Idiot!” the figure turned around. She wore black glasses, in spite of the fact that only the brains dimly illuminated the dark room. “This is a book!”

“Does it count as a book if it’s fanfiction?” said a third voice. Male, slightly husky.

“Shut up, Phil,” said the figure. She frowned, middle-aged wrinkles accentuated by the movement. “Well, let’s start again – “

“Too late,” said the second voice. “The Winged Ferret just started writing. And she’s sick of breaking the fourth wall, so let’s get this show on the road – “

“I said this isn’t a show!”

“Shut up, Renee, and get on with it,” said Phil's voice. As opposed to his leg.

“Fine,” Renee pouted. “How about I start with…" her frown deepened in thought, before she grinned, throwing open her arms. "Welcome to Twilight, with Zombies!,- " her voice dropped into a serious octave. "Mr Anderson!”

There was a stunned silence. Renee snickered, then went on.

“Look,” said Renee. “I’ll explain everything in chapter one. Tee Doubleyou Eff - The Winged Ferret, I mean - doesn't like redundancy. I know you were expecting a preface in which Bella almost-dies, but - ”

“That daughter of yours,” said Phil. “almost-dies an awful lot.”

“Tell me about it,” Renee snorted. “Well, this story is about vampi – “

“Didn’t the Australian change that?”

“Oh, right, zombies,” said Renee. “In any case, I was just here to assure the readers in this preface… Bella doesn’t die. I think. Well, not in this book. Just to stop, y’know, the suspense killing them before they finish reading this fanfiction.”

“Does she die in the next one?” said Phil hopefully.

The second voice groaned, and the faint sound of a facepalm echoed off the walls. Behind her glasses, Renee scowled in Phil’s direction. “That’s my daughter you’re talking about!”

“You’re due to take her to the airport in thirty minutes,” the second voice dropped its groan and prodded Renee gently.

Renee sighed. “Fine, fine. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Phil didn’t point out the hypocrisy.